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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to not want my Mum to come and stay for a week when my baby is born?

58 replies

Chequers · 04/02/2008 17:21

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Twiglett · 04/02/2008 17:24

absolutely not .. you MUST NOT LET HER

I never let mine

you need to bond with your baby and get used to being a family together

no visits to stay .. half-hour to one hour visits tops .. and not on first day either

geordiemacminx · 04/02/2008 17:25

I know exactly what you mean.

The best way t broach this is to say "your dh is off for a week or 2 after the birth, but once he goes back to work you will be really stuck for help and would it be possible for her to come then as it would be such a help as your a bit nervous about being alone - also play on the fact that after a week or 2 you are much more likely to be feeling ok and that you will be able to go out and do things together"

MaeWest · 04/02/2008 17:25

My mum stayed with us when DS was born and was absolutely fab, the house has never been so clean , but I can understand that if you don't get on so well it could be hellish...

pol27 · 04/02/2008 17:25

I wouldn't want my mum to have been there!

Yes, maybe to pop in but not stay! God, no! I wanna sleep when I want, eat when I want and just spend time with DP and new bubba when DD was born.

Not selfish at all. Having a new baby is a huge change and I think you and DH will want time to readjust and to get to know baby.

Maybe you could say 'well it would be really helpful if you came when DH went back to work for a FEW days?'

louii · 04/02/2008 17:25

Not a brat at all, definately do not let her stay for a week. Maybe let her visit you in the hospital then get a few days peace at home from any visitors.

moodlumthehoodlum · 04/02/2008 17:26

I felt EXACTLY the same. And I bit the bullet and said that I felt it was an important time for us (ie me dd and dh, and then second time round, ds) to just hang out and learn to be a family, so to speak. She was miffed, but she got over it.

You're not being a brat. Your gut instinct is the right one.

bigwombat · 04/02/2008 17:26

No, I felt exactly the same and have a similar volatile relationship with my Mum. I think she was a bit put out though, but she has moved on now! It's a stressful time and you must do what is best for you.

luckylady74 · 04/02/2008 17:28

My mum came for the day the day after ds1 was born and then for a few days after dh had gone back to work, but i get on with my mum quite wellish! You are not being unreasonable, but suggest a compromise - crap parents can be ok grandparents.

NoBiggy · 04/02/2008 17:29

You'll never have those first few days with your baby ever again. This is a time for your family - you, DH and your new baby.

The best thing you can do for your baby is stay in bed dozing and feeding.

So YANBU. Tell her thanks but no.

Original poster

Chequers · 04/02/2008 17:29

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theboob · 04/02/2008 17:30

my mum was there after i had all my children and i could not have done it without her,but i totally understand if you did not want your mum there ,no your not a brat

Original poster

Chequers · 04/02/2008 17:31

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hotcrossbunny · 04/02/2008 17:31

Ooooh such a tricky one.... I had my mother for a week before dd was born (so that she was there if dd came early) and a week after. It was awful She made me and dh feel completely incompetent and I still haven't forgotten it.

I would say quick visit if possible, or not for a couple of weeks to let you get your confidence with baby. Only if you have a GREAT relationship or have had a c/s would I suggest your mum comes.

Original poster

Chequers · 04/02/2008 17:34

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Tamdin · 04/02/2008 17:35

I don't think you're being a brat at all. Everyone feels differently in the first few weeks but i personally wanted to cosy up at home with dh and ds and no-one else!
mum and dad popped every few days with some food and some clean washing but other than that it was just the 3 of us and I wouldn't have had it any other way. hth

NoBiggy · 04/02/2008 17:35

Chequers! It's absolutely the best thing to do for recovery and establishing breastfeeding!

needmorecoffee · 04/02/2008 17:36

YANBU but are on dodgy ground. My mum came over anyhow and when I said me and DH wanted to be alone she stormed off and didn't speak to us for 9 months.

Original poster

Chequers · 04/02/2008 17:36

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sweetkitty · 04/02/2008 17:37

No can totally agree with you my Mother is the last person I would want around with a new baby not that she would offer as this would mean effort on her part and she is one of the laziest people I have ever met.

When my first was born we lived 400 miles from family and a few days after she was born MIL and SIL wanted to visit of course but we were in a tiny 2 bed flat and we booked them into a local hotel.

Was still a nightmare though HV turned up for her first visit as they were visiting and leaving MIL is really loud and even though she stayed out the way she couldn't help poking her nose it, it was really stressful chatting to HV whilst MIL and SIL were saying their goodbyes and of course HV couldn't have come back or made it another day.

I would be honest with her tell her you don't know what kind of birth you will have and how you will feel afterwards and will probably just want to be with DH and your new baby for the first few days. But you would appreciate her visiting later on when you are more sorted.

Original poster

Chequers · 04/02/2008 17:37

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Original poster

Chequers · 04/02/2008 17:38

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MrsBumblebee · 04/02/2008 17:42

YANBU at all. However... I'd wait and see how you feel as much as possible - leave the door open, so to speak. I was absolutely adamant that I didn't want my mum coming to stay, because I'm quite an independent person, and although we get on pretty well, too much of her can drive you nuts!! BUT, I had the baby from hell - constant screaming all his waking hours (which were numerous...). After DH went back to work I lasted three days before begging her to come . In the end, either she or my MIL were there pretty much permanently for the first two months, during the week at least. They did the night shifts, so at least DH and I got a bit of sleep. So...my advice would be to put your mum off for the first few days, then see what kind of baby you've got and how you're feeling. I honestly think I would have had a breakdown without the help. But equally you might have the easiest baby in the world (e.g. my sister had wanted my mum to stay with her for a week, but sent her home the first afternoon because there was nothing much for her to do, and she wanted time to bond with her adorable child). (Oh, and by the way, DS is a charmer now at 4m - so if you do get a really difficult one, don't worry - it won't last!!) Congratulations, and good luck .

needmorecoffee · 04/02/2008 17:42

oh, my mother could sulk for England. She once gave away our dog and then sulked for 8 months when I said I was a tiddly bit upset.
And guess what, she's coming to live close by and we are bankrupting ourselves and risking our house to get her a farking bungalow.

needmorecoffee · 04/02/2008 17:43

Sorry Chequers. Outrageous hijack there.
Do what you feel comfortable with. you know if your mum will sulk for all eternity or not. Or maybe ask her if she'd come when yur DH goes back to work?

kayzr · 04/02/2008 17:46

I would have gone mad and Im very close to my mum. She came round the first/ second day (I came home quite late at night) and gave dh a hand while I had a bath and that was it.

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