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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to not want my Mum to come and stay for a week when my baby is born?

58 replies

Chequers · 04/02/2008 17:21

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OP posts:
frootloop · 04/02/2008 17:47

YANBU, everyone feels differently about how much visiting they can take.

i can't wait for my mum to come and look after me by cooking, cleaning etc. i can put up with any amount of out dated childcare advice if the shittip house is tidy and there is food to eat that i didnt have to prepare.

Original poster
Chequers · 04/02/2008 17:49

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OP posts:
Original poster
Chequers · 04/02/2008 17:52

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OP posts:
macdoodle · 04/02/2008 18:05

ooh no YANBU my mum invited herself down when LO was born she is 5 weeks now - I had section and H and I are seperated and I have DD1 age 6 - it was horrific ...don't do it !

MegBusset · 04/02/2008 18:12

YANBU -- I felt much the same before I had DS, he was 10 days late but my mum and stepdad insisted on coming over a week before his due date, I was really worried about her invading our space.

However... as it happens, as soon as DS was born I wanted them to see him, they held him on the day he was born (in hospital) and it was a special moment for all of us. They also helped with cooking and cleaning, and holding the baby so DH and I could catch up on some much-needed sleep. In the end I did really appreciate having them around. Not to say that you'll feel like this!

Then again I am close to my mum, although she can bug the hell out of me, at least she is reasonably good at taking a hint to clear off for a while

smallwhitecat · 04/02/2008 18:13

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mumbear · 04/02/2008 18:14

Even though every one has said it i didnt want to leave this thread without saying something as its v close to my heart!! Do not back down, you know how you want things to be and if you dont get on that well normally youre going to be hyper emotional when you have given birth. MY mother wanted to come over and sulked when i said no!! She even went and booked a hol to spain on my due date to spite me (thats the kind of person she is) Id have spent the week tidying up after her and cooking meals for her while she held the baby. She came for the day a week and a half afer the birth, no longer. Its not the time to be having guests!!!!

PaulaYatesBiggestFan · 04/02/2008 18:14

under no circumstances let her....you will need to be alone as a family - dont do it

TotalChaos · 04/02/2008 18:14

YANBU.

iamdingdong · 04/02/2008 18:22

YANBU I didn't want mine there either. Luckily it was Christmas so she went to pester my sis instead

tassisssss · 04/02/2008 18:27

haven't read the whole thread, but I was like you. dh was having 2 weeks paternity and so why woul dI need both supposedly looking after me?

i do see it from my mum's point of view too though, I think I'll be the same if dd has a baby - she just wants to be there and to help.

what I did was welcome her for the first few days, then send her off for the duration of dh's paternity leave and then welcome her back for another week after that.

I do like the idea of having meals cooked for me, washing done for me and my other children looked after for me but it's never really happened that way. Dc3 is due in June and I'm going to hold out for it this time even if it means staying in my PJs for a week (think my main problem is that I feel the need to nip round tesco and go visiting friends or entertaining the masses when my babies are like 2 days old)

Troutpout · 04/02/2008 18:28

yanbu

it's your call..say how absolutely lovely it is for her to make the offer and there will be plenty of times where you will take her up on it when her grandchild is here.

but no thankyou

ps..tell her a few frozen homecooked meals wouldn't go amiss though ..and that perhaps week 3 or week 4 would be a good week to come and stay and help

WinnieThePooh · 04/02/2008 18:40

I called my prents when my waters broke with DD1 and they drove down from Scotlsnd. They stayed in our house with dp while I was in hospital. Dp was off for the next 2 weeks and I asked my mum to come for a week when he had gone back as this was when I would need her most. She and my aunt stayed in a local B & B. I was more confident with breastfeeding by then which meant we could go out visiting more.

When DD2 was due she came a few days before my due date and stayed for a week after DD2 was born. It meant that DD1 was not disturbed when I went into labour at midnight and her nana took her to school the next day.

Califrau · 04/02/2008 18:42

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
Chequers · 04/02/2008 18:47

Message withdrawn

OP posts:
GrapefruitMoon · 04/02/2008 18:49

I felt the same with my first dc - but my mum is quite easygoing and was happy to wait until dh was about to go back to work before she came to stay. MIL on the other hand through a hissy fit when we insisted we didn't want her to jump on the first plane as soon as I went into labour - so she flounced off to Spain instead

Have to say I was most glad my mum came to stay when I was having dc2 and 3 - to look after the older ones when I went into hospital. Though tbh, i would have been glad for her to go away again once I came out - unreasonable I know but those hormones!

FoghornLeghorn · 04/02/2008 18:51

I love my mum to pieces and am very close to her but I still wouldn't want her to stay with us. IMO it's time for you and your new family to spend time together and bond.

MaeWest · 04/02/2008 18:54

I do think it is OK to do it on your terms tho, if she really is offering to be helpful (and she probably is, even if it feels like she's steamrollering you atm).

My mum ended up coming a few days before my due date (only went over by 2 days luckily) as I was starting to feel that I didn't want to be on my own. She then stayed for the birth (DS was born at home) and left after 2 days as she wanted DH & I to have time together - which we did for all of 24 hours before MIL turned up, which is a whole other thread...

Theochris · 04/02/2008 19:01

I'm really close to my mum. We see each other lots and generally get on. She is super helpful, cooking, cleaning making tea and shopping. Her and DH get on brilliantly.

I wouldn't have wanted her to come and stay for a week when my lo was born. An afternoon visit would be best. YANBU

PS the very idea that I'd want her when I gave birth, god I'd rather sell tickets!

wb · 04/02/2008 19:13

YANBU

My mum came a stayed for a week when dh went back to work and it was wonderful - but we are very close. Those first couple of weeks it was really nice for it to be the 3 of us though.

Maybe ask her to visit briefly early on then come and stay for a few days later on - you'll be more confident w. baby and less hormonal and even after a couple of weeks it's great to have someone else cook/clean etc

I also found that breastfeeding ds helped a lot in terms of not letting other people (mum, MIL etc) take over - cause only I could do that. They got a turn when his nappy needed changing.

beeper · 04/02/2008 21:04

I was not close at all to my mum when my DS was born. She was planning to come down for a week and I was a little scared, I said yes to her coming. Anyway as all births dont go to plan and I had a c-section after a long labour, it was the best thing in the world that she came, she sat with me the whole day in hospital for a week when I was bed bound and helped me with everything. She then stayed an extra couple of days after I got out. This brought us much closer, we still had problems but me being a mum has helped me see that I had judged her unfairly in the past and understood how hard is is to be a mum.

This time I was on the phone at 19 weeks crying for her to come down for a week, she has said yes and I am so relieved.

Time goes very quickly when you have newborn and nothing is gaurenteed in terms of a birth so I would just keep an open mind on her visit.

poppy34 · 04/02/2008 21:09

YANBU - you don't sound like you're being a brat but quite sorted about what you will won't need.

this hasn't been mentioned by mum yet but bound to be - totally with you and twiglett on this . The thought of dealing with my mother when hormonal and trying to bond.. am shuddering and comforting at thought..

poppy34 · 04/02/2008 21:09

YANBU - you don't sound like you're being a brat but quite sorted about what you will won't need.

this hasn't been mentioned by mum yet but bound to be - totally with you and twiglett on this . The thought of dealing with my mother when hormonal and trying to bond.. am shuddering and comfort eating at thought..

1dilemma · 04/02/2008 21:21

YANBU
My mum came to stay after dc2 and it was a total nightmare she just sat around moaning about how tired she was, and telling me to stop bfing and that I should have had an epidural!Oh and boasting about how she intended never to change her dgcs nappies. She did occasionally wash a dish but certainly would never do any cleaning (I include pushing a broom/hoover accross the floor) or make a meal!!
She invited herself!
It took all my remaining strength not to tell her to p&^s off
I echo the rather sell tickets than have her in delivery room.
My dsis is having a baby and I have advised her under no circs to have mother to stay until baby is at least 4 weeks old

clam · 04/02/2008 21:26

Don't commit to anything!! But don't slam the door shut on the idea completely..... you never know how its all going to pan out and you might be glad of her help when it comes down to it. When I had my 2nd, my parents rang to say they'd be up to lunch on Day 3 (you know, the day the milk comes in and new mums usually spend in floods of tears?). It ended up with darling MIL tidying my house before the royal visit, and cooking a 3-course meal (my dad doesn't 'do' snack lunches. And he likes cheese after the pudding too!)