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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Is she clueless or am I missing something?

77 replies

Cluelessa · 07/01/2023 13:37

I have a mummy friend.
She is single, I am married.
There's about 5 months between our toddlers, around 2 years of age.

Friend, let's call her 'Anna'...has well off parents who have worked hard for their money. My parents are comfortable but don't have much to spare, they equally have worked hard.

I have worked hard, at the expense of my social life as a teen and young adult to hold down a respectable profession. Anna works 2 days a week in a pub, and cleans for her parents where she spends 4 out of 7 days, the other 3 days in a flat, paid for by benefits apparently. Flat has been refurbished to a boutique standard almost, not done obviously by the housing association! Flat has big rooms, especially bedrooms as far as flats go.
I live in a mortgaged house family otherside of the country, rarely see them. House needs lots of work, we bought a project as that's all we could afford for the family home we wanted. Bedrooms are quite small.

Anna wants to go to Dinesyland Paris, understands that "to do it properly" will cost about £3k. Thinks maybe she'll do it in a year or so. So this year instead wants to go on holiday abroad, let's say Spain...oh it's only a couple of hundred quid, not expensive Hmm She was explaining all her trips out,regularly London which include train fares cost her about £50/60 quid, she picks up meal deals so it's cheaper....

I said we aren't even contemplating trips abroad for the next decade due to cost, that's where she said "Oh Spain is cheap..."...

Anna sells lots of stuff she's bought online, but buys stuff to...

Am I missing something, surely working in a pub 2 days a week, cleaning for a few hours on a weekend and selling the odd thing on vented does not fund her amazing fun filled lifestyle on benefits?!

I have literally almost no money left after mortgage and bills, even with my DH who also works as a white collar professional full time.

AIBU to think she's a bit clueless to the real 'unsubbed by parents' world?

OP posts:
Arsepants · 07/01/2023 14:15

She's obviously being financially supported by her parents. Lucky her!

vodkaredbullgirl · 07/01/2023 14:18

Family helping out.

inpixiehollow · 07/01/2023 14:18

Yeah.. I'm under the impression her family will be providing more financial support than perhaps she is letting on.. if she is eligible for UC then her wages can't be much, therefore they are topping her up somewhere.

AnxiousPancreas · 07/01/2023 14:19

Her parents are giving her money. She’s spending it. What’s your point? You clearly want everyone to tell you how great you are and how lucky/awful she is. Well, you know what, I’m self-funded, no money from parents, own my house in my 20s and I manage not to rag on my friends just because I’m bitter and jealous that they have something I don’t.

Scurryfunge12 · 07/01/2023 14:24

You care because…?

Life isn’t a competition. This whole attitude people have is utterly exhausting.

Just leave her to it.

BakedTattie · 07/01/2023 14:25

How judgemental are you?!

BakedTattie · 07/01/2023 14:26

Also, it’s absolutely nothing to do with you (or your ‘respectable profession’ - wtf does that even mean?!)

Desmondo2021 · 07/01/2023 14:27

I think you sound a little over interested and not particularly like a true friend tbh. There's a million reasons she may be able to afford her lifestyle choices and not one of them is really your business.

Coffeellama · 07/01/2023 14:28

AIBU to think she's a bit clueless to the real 'unsubbed by parents' world?

Who cares? Atleast she’s not miserable and two faced. Why even bother being friends with her?

Coffeellama · 07/01/2023 14:29

There’s also absolutely nothing not ‘respectable’ about working in a pub or cleaning.

user1473878824 · 07/01/2023 14:34

She’s a cleaner?!? And she GOES ON HOLIDAY? Disgusting. Get your head out of your arse.

sst1234 · 07/01/2023 14:36

Their parents must have spoilt her, so now they are having to raise their grandchild. By supporting this sponger.

vodkaredbullgirl · 07/01/2023 14:37

sst1234 · 07/01/2023 14:36

Their parents must have spoilt her, so now they are having to raise their grandchild. By supporting this sponger.

ouch

Friendlyplover · 07/01/2023 14:51

Who cares

MolkosTeenageAngst · 07/01/2023 14:51

Parents are obviously helping her out and are helping pay for the holidays and the flat refurbishments etc, either that or they are paying her more than she is declaring for the cleaning. Depending on the situation it could be she is receiving high maintenance or spousal payments from her DC’s father as well.

WeBuiltThisBuffetOnSausageRoll · 07/01/2023 14:58

There’s also absolutely nothing not ‘respectable’ about working in a pub or cleaning.

Where did OP say it wasn't respectable?

"Am I missing something, surely working in a pub 2 days a week, cleaning for a few hours on a weekend and selling the odd thing on vented does not fund her amazing fun filled lifestyle on benefits?!"

Surely it isn't controversial to say that cleaning and pub work don't pay a huge amount? If anything, it tends to be the most respectable jobs that are the least well-paid.

I agree it does sound quite unfair if Anna is living high on the hog and still claiming benefits. If she had a large amount in savings herself or had had a big inheritance, she wouldn't qualify; but if her parents keep drip-feeding her frequent substantial gifts - to the extent that she makes plans for holidays and the like based on the surety of that gifted money being available - it sounds very dodgy indeed.

If the major source of her large income were an employer instead of her parents, nobody would let her get away with her only being 'paid' a small amount but her handing her big bills or invoices direct to them to 'settle' as well.

Coffeellama · 07/01/2023 15:03

WeBuiltThisBuffetOnSausageRoll · 07/01/2023 14:58

There’s also absolutely nothing not ‘respectable’ about working in a pub or cleaning.

Where did OP say it wasn't respectable?

"Am I missing something, surely working in a pub 2 days a week, cleaning for a few hours on a weekend and selling the odd thing on vented does not fund her amazing fun filled lifestyle on benefits?!"

Surely it isn't controversial to say that cleaning and pub work don't pay a huge amount? If anything, it tends to be the most respectable jobs that are the least well-paid.

I agree it does sound quite unfair if Anna is living high on the hog and still claiming benefits. If she had a large amount in savings herself or had had a big inheritance, she wouldn't qualify; but if her parents keep drip-feeding her frequent substantial gifts - to the extent that she makes plans for holidays and the like based on the surety of that gifted money being available - it sounds very dodgy indeed.

If the major source of her large income were an employer instead of her parents, nobody would let her get away with her only being 'paid' a small amount but her handing her big bills or invoices direct to them to 'settle' as well.

I have worked hard, at the expense of my social life as a teen and young adult to hold down a respectable profession. Anna works 2 days a week in a pub, and cleans for her parents where she spends 4 out of 7 days, the other 3 days in a flat, paid for by benefits apparently.

Her tone is quite clear, she worked very hard and made sacrifices to hold down her ‘respectable profession’ while Anna works in a pub and cleans. The part you quoted isn’t what I was referring to.

WetBandits · 07/01/2023 15:05

How dare a bartender/cleaner go on holiday? Confused

She sounds like she’s getting some financial assistance from her parents, if they’re happy to support her then that is their business and not yours. You sound like a jealous martyr.

AhoyMaBuoy · 07/01/2023 15:07

Life isn't fair,I'd do the same for my children if I could afford it though

newdestination · 07/01/2023 15:09

She might prioritise other things and doesn't spend money on things that are important to you and vice versa.

If her parents give her money, good for her..... it is really between them and none of your business.

She might have had vulnerabilities and hardships in her life and hasn't been able build a good career for herself because of this. Or maybe she's just lazy.

Either way, it's got nothing to do with you. Even if all of a sudden she was destitute and broke tomorrow, it still wouldn't grow a magic money tree in your garden.

FromTheFront2theBack · 07/01/2023 15:09

To be fair you can get pretty cheap deals for holidays abroad especially out of term time and with only one adult. It can work out cheaper than most trips to the UK so no she isn't clueless. Obviously some people can't spare a few hundred quid to be spare but she obviously does.

It seems what you're getting at in your OP is that she has a lifestyle which is probably partly funded by her parents. I wouldn't have anything against her for that to be honest. Lots of parents only work part time or not at all because their partner works enough hours to support the majority of their expenses. Those families often have holidays abroad and nice flats or houses too.

Is your problem that she's insensitive to the fact that you have less disposable income than her? Hard to say without knowing her but she probably feels since you own your own home and have a partner to share costs with you're not doing badly and probably aren't worried about your financial situation.

FancyFanny · 07/01/2023 15:11

You sound a bit like one of those people who actively forgoes all fun in the name of sacrifice so they can claim the are 'doing the right thing' and bemoan anyone who lives more in the 'here and now'. Be careful!

Lampzade · 07/01/2023 15:11

Op with respect it is none of your business.

Lampzade · 07/01/2023 15:12

Op you seriously need to take a chill pill as the youngsters would say. You are way too invested..

SallySunrise · 07/01/2023 15:16

ANOTHER stealth benefits bashing thread. Yes, she's clearly subbed by her parents. You don't get that kind of lifestyle on universal credit. It's also none of your business though.