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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To put tracking app on (daughter's) mobile

104 replies

Liz1tummypain · 07/01/2023 13:37

I'm asking for information and your experience with these. What is the name of a good app? How have you used them?

My daughter is off travelling soon for 6- 9 months approx. Going to Bangkok to start with, Vietnam and so on. She's mid- twenties 27? hard to remember. So yesterday I mentioned a tracker app, as a friend had suggested it to me, and she just laughed. Think I may be able to persuade her. You suggestions on how to convince her would be fab please. Why would she be likely to resent it? I can't imagine the issue with it.

Any info would be helpful. Many thanks.

OP posts:
Overthiscrap · 07/01/2023 18:19

What about AirTags instead? I assume she will have a day to day rucksack or bag and she will take a nicer bag for the nights out? She could attach tags to her rucksack and that way you would know shes out and about and ok through the day without you actually knowing her evening antics. Bonus would be that if her bags are stolen you may be able to track

MarvellousMonsters · 07/01/2023 18:37

You can't remember how old your child is? Hmm I have two and I know exactly how old they are.

My daughters both have iPhones and we all have our locations shared with each other. If your daughter doesn't want to share her location with you then you can't do it without her knowledge or consent.

PaperwhiteTheGhost · 07/01/2023 18:39

rwalker · 07/01/2023 14:50

it there as a back up thats all

no need for the arsey answer

Show quote history

A back up for what though? The daughter will be thousands of miles away, presumably travelling around What is the OP knowing where her phone is going to achieve? It’s different when it’s a 16 year old who has gone to a gig in the local city alone for the first time, or headed to a destination shopping centre- you cat keep any eye out and see that they are where they said they’ll be. Because they’re still a child. What is the point of tracking a grown adult in a foreign country?

PaperwhiteTheGhost · 07/01/2023 18:50

mrsbitaly · 07/01/2023 17:45

I think it's lovely you are concerned but it may be taking it a little too far having a tracker although you have the best intentions. I'm sure she doesn't want to feel like she is being tracked everywhere she goes, she is an adult and will need to be more responsible especially with drink. Make sure her contacts are absolutely clear for next of kin on her phone and that she is aware of who she can contact if she is in trouble and where local hospitals ect are. Maybe also a small book of contacts should she loose her phone. Have a chat and ask that she calls every 2-3 days to ease your concerns.

She is 27.

27!!

She doesn’t need all that done for her like she is a teen just starting to go out alone. I’m sure she knows how to get medical help and so on. She also doesn’t have to agree to checking in every couple of days.

Grasshopper30 · 07/01/2023 18:56

You don't try "and persuade her" you treat her like the adult she is and respect her autonomy. Can't think of anything worse than being tracked by your mother across the world! Crikey back in my day there were no mobile phones, no internet cafés, just post restants and very rare phone calls! Let her have her adventure, there's plenty of ways of keeping in touch without needing to know where she is 24/7. This is very much a you problem.

Original poster
Liz1tummypain · 07/01/2023 19:03

IGiveUpalready · 07/01/2023 16:32

This sounds like someone trying to keep track of their partner and when it goes tits up will complain that "mumsnet said it was ok"

Lol. Conspiracy theorist kind of thinking. I-m just trying to gauge opinions on the idea before , or if I ever were to raise the question. It's quite helpful so far,even ignoring all the preaching at me for being unable to let go or whatever else people ascribe to me. She basically left home at 18 and only comes back now and then so I've managed to let go so far.

OP posts:
GeneticallyModifiedGrump · 07/01/2023 19:06

Do you know where she is and what she is doing at home in the UK? Would you track her around London for example?

Kitkatfiend31 · 07/01/2023 19:22

Yes she is an adult but as an adult needs to think about her own safety. Someone should know where she is etc. But that doesn't have to be you of course. Maybe have a more open ended conversation about what she is going to do?

PaperwhiteTheGhost · 07/01/2023 19:36

Kitkatfiend31 · 07/01/2023 19:22

Yes she is an adult but as an adult needs to think about her own safety. Someone should know where she is etc. But that doesn't have to be you of course. Maybe have a more open ended conversation about what she is going to do?

Sharing your location doesn’t keep you safe, any more than me texting my mate once I’m home from a night out doesn’t. It just alerts someone quicker if I’ve not made it home.

PeekAtYou · 07/01/2023 19:55

I replied already but I just wanted to say that my kids are at the age where they are new drivers so I had a new wave or worrying about their location but it's a problem with me. I don't want them to live a restricted life or worry about me so I hide it from them but part of me thinks did they get to X?
Luckily(?) they went to uni so I'm not left wondering if they got home from the pub like I would if they were living with me.
Is your dd likely to post /upload travel photos to SM? I'd be asking if it was ok to follow so you could worry about her discreetly.

autienotnaughty · 07/01/2023 20:20

@Liz1tummypain
I've had it a few years. Got it as it's an easy way to communicate with teens. I only have them, my sister and my two nieces as friends😂 it is easy to use it's mostly photographs tho u can message to. Plus the map.

tumpymummy · 07/01/2023 21:50

I understand where you are coming from, I had a similar thing when my daughter went interrailing this summer. Although she is 18 years old, so much younger than your daughter. She added me as a friend on BeReal so that every day I got a photo showing her having fun plus I knew she was still alive. Incidentally my daughter is also going to Bangkok and then Vietnam soon. Do you know if your daughter has all her flights booked or does she just have a flight to Thailand?

Original poster
Liz1tummypain · 07/01/2023 23:03

@tumpymummy thanks I think I,ve heard of Breal, sounds interesting. she has booked a flight to Bangkok and also got tickets for a tour for a couple of weeks I think not too sure where that goes. Then she will decide what to do after that, no fixed plan but wants to get to Vietnam. I was hoping she might get to South America because then hubby and I might be able to join her at some point but she doesn't want to make any firm plans yet. I think she's been saving for quite a while. Has just given up a well paid job in the city. Always been impulsive. We shall see where she gets to. Where did you daughter travel to ?

OP posts:
Onebelow · 07/01/2023 23:08

She's mid- twenties 27? hard to remember

Its really not that hard to remember how old your children are. You’ve forgotten when you gave birth to her? I wouldn’t want my mother tracking me when I’m a full grown adult, especially a mother who can’t even be arsed to remember when she gave birth to me!

JudgeRudy · 07/01/2023 23:13

Liz1tummypain · 07/01/2023 13:37

I'm asking for information and your experience with these. What is the name of a good app? How have you used them?

My daughter is off travelling soon for 6- 9 months approx. Going to Bangkok to start with, Vietnam and so on. She's mid- twenties 27? hard to remember. So yesterday I mentioned a tracker app, as a friend had suggested it to me, and she just laughed. Think I may be able to persuade her. You suggestions on how to convince her would be fab please. Why would she be likely to resent it? I can't imagine the issue with it.

Any info would be helpful. Many thanks.

YABU to want to track your 27 year old daughter, irrespective of where she is.If I chose to have a tracker app on my phone I'd not be wanting my mum to be the tracker.
You are seriously going to need to work on your anxiety. Stay in touch by all means but do not start dictating specific call/text times. It's unfair on her and puts addition pressure on you when she forgets or changes her plans....which dhe will. Back off

NameInUseAlreadyAgain · 07/01/2023 23:15

My mum, me and DS17 can all see where each other are. Separately my husband, me and DS17 can all see where we are. On find friends. It’s useful because my 75 year old mum lives alone and she likes that we can find her if a problem. Son likes it because he can see where I am when picking him up from work. Husband and I like it because we can see if the other has left work and know when to start dinner.

oh and the cats also have iphone trackers so we can find them when they don’t come home.

i can’t see an issue but all have to agree to it of course

ReiRay · 07/01/2023 23:20

You need to accept her decision. We have them on our phones but we are all more than happy for that. Not everyone would be, and it's their decision.

THEDEACON · 07/01/2023 23:25

Terrible idea unless it was hers as it's not FORGET IT

Jack172 · 08/01/2023 09:26

Absolutely not reasonable in any way.

firstly a tracker will make things worse for you- any time it fails to work, she doesn’t have signal etc, it’s going to cause a major issue. Thailand doesn’t tend to have data roaming anyway so it will be expensive for her phone bill.

secondly, she is an adult. I wouldn’t be able to justify tracking her movements at 18, never mind 27. It’s ridiculous that you can’t let her have her independence. All you’re going to do by that is push her away.

if she wants to check in with you, she will do, but that is her choice to make, not yours to expect. I get that they are always your kids no matter how old they are, but you have to let go and be her own independent person. Tracking her isn’t going to stop her drinking or help that she’s got herself into sticky situations in a country where mobile data isn’t free. All it will do is either run up a large bill and drain her battery so she can’t use her phone in emergencies or she won’t be traceable because her phone isn’t connecting and it will worry you more

Doone21 · 10/01/2023 06:32

Tracker Apps use lots of battery, would you rather she had an App or had enough battery to call for help? It's not going to make you feel better anyway, you'll just keep watching the App and letting your imagination scare you. And it's not just about trust its about you training yourself to let go of her and let go of your anxiety. Far better to have a check in schedule, email or phone every Sunday morning for example.

JM8evett · 10/01/2023 08:34

Your daughter is 27, not 17, you sound manipulative, obsessive and down right odd. You need to get a grip and stop wanting to stalk your child who is nearly in her thirties. The way you’re going, she will resent you for the rest of your life. Get a hobby that doesn’t include trying to manipulate your daughter into being able to follow her every move.

dontleaveitthere · 10/01/2023 17:28

Liz1tummypain · 07/01/2023 14:39

@Wonnle why do you think I am working for a magazine? I don't know what you are asking.

The mirror!

What do I win?

Original poster
Liz1tummypain · 10/01/2023 18:14

@JM8evett thanks for your kind response (not). It's users such as yourself who put me off ever posting for help on Mumsnet. Peace.

OP posts:
Aeroflot21 · 10/01/2023 18:16

DuplicateUserName · 07/01/2023 13:40

You find it hard to remember your daughter's age?

I was just about to say this - I can’t understand how you find it difficult to remember your daughter’s exact age but want to put a tracking app on her phone. It doesn’t come across well - it sounds like you don’t really care that much or know that much about her, but want to behave in quite an overbearing way (putting a tracking app on her phone). You’ll need to ask her permission to put the app on her phone, I think.

MistyLuna · 10/01/2023 18:24

I agrée with everyone that she’s an adult, etc. But I’ve been travelling since I was a teenager (back in the day with no smart phones) and there were situations where I wish my family had a tracker on my phone. Then again, there are times I’m glad they didn’t.

As I mentioned on another thread, My DH are I use tracker for security reasons (we both have them on our phones AND our smart watches. It tells us when another person is in danger (e.g. if one of us has a bad fall and doesn’t get up) and allows us (through the app) to send an alarm to the other person’s phone or watch by pressing a single button! I think it’s fab.

For us, it’s safety and security thing, not a snooping and spying thing. Tools are neutral - you can use them for good or for bad. Technological tools are no different; it just depends on how and why you’re using it. As long as you’re not abusing it, and you reassure your daughter that’s it’s for her own safety, then she might be convinced to install it.