To make my daughter catch a bus into town rather than give her a lift there and back?

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She’s just turned 17. She’s perfectly capable of and used to catching this precise bus and pre pandemic usually did to school. This involved a contactless pass.

it’s a straight forward 7 mile journey.

She wants me to take her there and back - at as yet undecided miring to afternoon times - and is genuinely hurt that I’ve said no. During the pandemic I got used to being a taxi but I think it’s ok to expect her to get there under her own steam now and put my foot down. Her Dad and teenage sister think that - as I have no real concrete plans tbh - I’m being unfair. He’s got a knee injury at the moment so can’t take her himself but he’s made it obvious to me (not to her) that he thinks I’m not being ‘very nice’ - he’d be the taxi no problem ( this is true - if he could he would). He’s not being a dick or anything - he just said stuff about liking doing stuff for them, but that it’s my choice.

I’ve tried to offer a compromise of doing one direction - for me the major issue is hanging about between the back and forth - I feel like I’m in limbo during that period. It takes up mental space iyswim . Nobody here seems to understand that at all. To be honest, her sister has been more vocal than she has when she said to me ‘it’s just nice to be nice, isn’t it? It’s hardly a big chore - it’s 25 minutes of your day to take her there’

She’s not had a tantrum or been rude, nobody is at each other’s throats but it’s quite clear she thinks I’m being unfair and my husband thinks making her stand at a cold bus stop when we have a ‘perfectly good car and no firm plans’ isn’t the choice he’d make. I feel a bit of a heel but I also don’t think I’m wrong to make her get on a bus for the first time since March 2020.

I don't think it's unreasonable at all. It's not a long car trip but as you say you'd have to hang around in town for the day with nothing planned for you to do. Or, double the driving to go there and back in the morning and afternoon. So 14 miles becomes 28. Presumably the buses are fairly frequent and reliable?

As long as the bus is reliable then YANBU. Your dd needs to be more independent if she wants to go to town. It's so easy for other family members to comment when they aren't doing it!

as above re mileage and surely if it’s 25 mins - it’s actually 50 mins for you there and back x2 so that’s nearly 2 hours of driving in one day.

YANBU.

Did we not have this exact same scenario last week?

YANBU at all. I’d refuse on environmental grounds and the fact that you are doing her no favours by stopping her becoming independent. In our house dh is also a much softer touch on lifts (and spending money) I would absolutely not give lifts there and back, I might begrudgingly offer one journey if bus times are rubbish.

One way is a good compromise. She's 17. She needs to be independent bWe have a planet to look after. I would say what you said but I wouldn't feel remotely guilty about it.

YANBU. I wouldn't even take her one way.

Yes it's nice to be nice so why aren't your family being nice to you instead of expecting you to act as an unpaid taxi driver.

I'm sure the poor thing will cope standing at a cold bus stop.

YANBU. My 16 yo is expected to get buses unless none available, especially as it's often cheaper to buy one return bus ticket than my diesel would be for two round trips. It's also better environmentally and good for their independence.

I'd be the same as you. My youngest (13) would regularly go to the pics with his friends, no direct bus so I'm left sitting around waiting for a phone call to pick him up. I've no problem at all dropping and picking up any of my 3 if I've got a time.

My 19 year old hates asking for a lift and would rather get the bus even when he's finished work at 11.30pm.

I think it's entitled and lazy for a 17yo to expect lifts when public transport is available.

Of course she should get the bus. You're not a taxi service.

Maybe drive her as a treat on an especially wet and windy day. Otherwise it’s ridiculous and wasteful to be driving when there’s a bus.

It’s 25 minutes there and back - it’s a 7 mile journey into a congested small market town in a rural area. Most of it at traffic lights. The bus goes round the houses so takes about an hour. They come once an hour.

She’s upset - not angry or petulant - she’s a very sweet, well behaved kid on the whole, but she’s clearly thinking I’m being a git. I’ve tried to say that diesel there and back plus me not knowing where to put myself in the interim is a problem - I’m not a shrinking violet by any stretch. But she’s upset and my husband thinks it’s a daft reason to fall out.

Just because you don't have concrete plans doesn't mean you've got nothing to do. I'm sure there are many things that YOU would like to do, even if that's reading a book or watching a film alone (that sounds nice hey?!) Which you could do if only your DD gets a bus. Something she is perfectly capable of doing. That'd be nice of her wouldn't it?!

Middle of the day commute to save a half an hour of her time while taking away an hour of yours? Nah.

The most sensible compromise is she gets the bus there, and you pick her up to come home when it's dark/later/she has shopping bags.

I think it sounds like you're being deliberately unhelpful to make some kind of weird point, but I'm not quite sure what that point is. Your other daughter is right. Sometimes it's nice to be nice. Especially to your kids.

Why on earth would you do both ways? Why is she going? Are you supposed to drive home then go back to get her? So an hour round trip?

Honestly namechange, this was what I sort of wanted by posting. I’m here to know if that’s how they see me. I’m genuinely not trying to gather support - I honestly, in this house, right now, feel like the consensus is that I’m being unreasonable. I’m basically convinced I’m not, but if I’m wrong, I’d hate to think I’d made everyone here think I was being petty for not wanting to do something I could easily do for her. I know it’s MN and AIBU but I’m genuinely here to see if I need to change course, not to start a bun fight. Anyone that agrees with them I’d listen to so that we don’t have to unpick it here at home hours after the discussion. I’m not adverse to thinking I’m being precious and the 3 people I love the most all think I am right now. Your post was helpful, thanks

I have similar, frequently. As much as anything it's the not committing to set times. I like to do long walks and "could you take me to x at some point in the morning once I'm up and showered and done x,y and z, not sure exactly when that'll be, and fetch me when I'm done, but I don't know when?" is essentially asking you to be "on call".

I say "I can either take you at 10am or fetch you at 4pm - you pick, but I want to walk and need to do the supermarket shop and I need to be able to plan my day too".

It works fine - the being "on call" and not being able to do anything else is a useful way to explain it.

Honestly I've got so used to doing this with the kids that when our 20 year old intern at work informed me that she'd been getting lifts with a colleague and assumed it would be no trouble for me, but she'd need picking up and dropping off at times xyz and it'd only take me two minutes (although it'd actually take half an hour each way) I nearly bit her head off and told her exactly how inconvenient it would be 😳😂

So she'd be in town in 12 mins vs an hour if she took the bus? I would likely do one way assuming she's good with chores around the house and generally polite and nice to be around. If she's not, I'd make it clear that favours are reserved for people who deserve them.

What was she going to do in town and how much hanging around would there be?