To make my daughter catch a bus into town rather than give her a lift there and back?

[lightgreen]

She’s just turned 17. She’s perfectly capable of and used to catching this precise bus and pre pandemic usually did to school. This involved a contactless pass.

it’s a straight forward 7 mile journey.

She wants me to take her there and back - at as yet undecided miring to afternoon times - and is genuinely hurt that I’ve said no. During the pandemic I got used to being a taxi but I think it’s ok to expect her to get there under her own steam now and put my foot down. Her Dad and teenage sister think that - as I have no real concrete plans tbh - I’m being unfair. He’s got a knee injury at the moment so can’t take her himself but he’s made it obvious to me (not to her) that he thinks I’m not being ‘very nice’ - he’d be the taxi no problem ( this is true - if he could he would). He’s not being a dick or anything - he just said stuff about liking doing stuff for them, but that it’s my choice.

I’ve tried to offer a compromise of doing one direction - for me the major issue is hanging about between the back and forth - I feel like I’m in limbo during that period. It takes up mental space iyswim . Nobody here seems to understand that at all. To be honest, her sister has been more vocal than she has when she said to me ‘it’s just nice to be nice, isn’t it? It’s hardly a big chore - it’s 25 minutes of your day to take her there’

She’s not had a tantrum or been rude, nobody is at each other’s throats but it’s quite clear she thinks I’m being unfair and my husband thinks making her stand at a cold bus stop when we have a ‘perfectly good car and no firm plans’ isn’t the choice he’d make. I feel a bit of a heel but I also don’t think I’m wrong to make her get on a bus for the first time since March 2020.

I think the point someone made above about mystery timings and hanging around taking up brain space is a good one. As they noted, a lift in one direction gets rid of that problem.

An hour in the bus for something where it would only take a little more than twice that long to WALK it does sound pretty annoying TBF.

I think at that age my parents expectations would have been that if it was summer or decent weather in spring or autumn that I cycled. That I was learning to drive to eliminate the lift issue ASAP. And that I had agreed times so they weren't hanging round all day wondering what was going on. They wouldn't have agreed all the time if I had asked all the time. They would have e.g. ages to drop me there and back on the way to other things they were doing if it wasn't a massive detour.

She's not being 'unhelpful', she's just not being helpful. Daughter's asking her to give up 50mins of her time (and fuel) in exchange for 1hr of her daughters time for a leisure activity....plus of course disrupting the flow of the day. I'd say the daughter is being unhelpful.

In general I take the view that if public transport is available teens should use it, but in the situation you describe I would probably drop your daughter off and tell her to get the bus home purely because of how long the bus takes. Any hint that lifts are expected though, rather than a favour, and I don’t care how inconvenient your means of transport it. I would also be less than impressed at your DH not having your back.

My 17 is exactly the same. Always wants lifts. Obviously I don't mind doing it but it becomes an expectation, like you are at their service.
When there is a bus going exactly where they need to go, they can catch the bus I reckon.

17?! I thought you were going to say they were 11-12. No way would I be offering constant lifts at 17.

The actual driving time/effort is one thing, but what on earth don't they understand about you not wanting to hang around in town for an unspecified amount of time in between?
I would give her a lift there (because I'm a bit soft) but she would be getting the bus back (because I'm not a complete pushover).
I suspect your other daughter is being vocal because she thinks what happens this time sets the precedent for her - don't fall for it 😂

Yeah I'd do a life one way - probably pick up at a specific time. That would be a good compromise and I have found works with teens to do that. My 17 yo almost never gets bus- also rubbish rural bus service - but he cycles places and gets the train to college. Incidently does she do stuff round the house - trying to work.out if a general entitlement problem or just a shock that things have changed/be inconvenienced issue. Also if your DH feels that strongly why don't you suggest he does it?

Don't you love 17 year olds. Treat me like an adult. Please give me a lift to town and wait for me. If I wasn't busy I might agree to either take her or collect her, whichever suited me, but there's no way I'd hang around waiting or do a repeat trip.