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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To make my daughter catch a bus into town rather than give her a lift there and back?

58 replies

lightgreen · 06/01/2023 18:39

She’s just turned 17. She’s perfectly capable of and used to catching this precise bus and pre pandemic usually did to school. This involved a contactless pass.

it’s a straight forward 7 mile journey.

She wants me to take her there and back - at as yet undecided miring to afternoon times - and is genuinely hurt that I’ve said no. During the pandemic I got used to being a taxi but I think it’s ok to expect her to get there under her own steam now and put my foot down. Her Dad and teenage sister think that - as I have no real concrete plans tbh - I’m being unfair. He’s got a knee injury at the moment so can’t take her himself but he’s made it obvious to me (not to her) that he thinks I’m not being ‘very nice’ - he’d be the taxi no problem ( this is true - if he could he would). He’s not being a dick or anything - he just said stuff about liking doing stuff for them, but that it’s my choice.

I’ve tried to offer a compromise of doing one direction - for me the major issue is hanging about between the back and forth - I feel like I’m in limbo during that period. It takes up mental space iyswim . Nobody here seems to understand that at all. To be honest, her sister has been more vocal than she has when she said to me ‘it’s just nice to be nice, isn’t it? It’s hardly a big chore - it’s 25 minutes of your day to take her there’

She’s not had a tantrum or been rude, nobody is at each other’s throats but it’s quite clear she thinks I’m being unfair and my husband thinks making her stand at a cold bus stop when we have a ‘perfectly good car and no firm plans’ isn’t the choice he’d make. I feel a bit of a heel but I also don’t think I’m wrong to make her get on a bus for the first time since March 2020.

OP posts:
asimileofsomesmoke · 06/01/2023 23:32

It's a waste of petrol. It's unnecessary pollution. It's not teaching independence AND "It's nice to be nice" cuts both ways - it wouldn't hugely inconvenience her and it would be a nice thing to do to go to the effort of making her way under her own steam and so leaving you free time.

OnaBegonia · 06/01/2023 23:33

How long would you be expected to hang around for return leg?

ChiefWiggumsBoy · 06/01/2023 23:37

I'm surprised you haven't had the hordes of mummies on that would never allow their girl-child anywhere if they could possibly take her!

YANBU.

DreamingOfAGreenChristmas · 06/01/2023 23:49

She hasn’t caught a bus since 2020?

I am actually gobsmacked that a 17 yo would expect or ask for a lift when there is a bus. Utterly infantilised.

And your other Dd needs to pipe down too! Who does she think she is to tell you what being kind is and what you should do with your time?

Anisina · 06/01/2023 23:52

DreamingOfAGreenChristmas · 06/01/2023 23:49

She hasn’t caught a bus since 2020?

I am actually gobsmacked that a 17 yo would expect or ask for a lift when there is a bus. Utterly infantilised.

And your other Dd needs to pipe down too! Who does she think she is to tell you what being kind is and what you should do with your time?

She might have to sit with the great unwashed. The poor little mite.

ZiriForEver · 06/01/2023 23:58

It’s 25 minutes there and back - it’s a 7 mile journey into a congested small market town in a rural area. Most of it at traffic lights. The bus goes round the houses so takes about an hour. They come once an hour.

Hm... So it is (from her point of view) 12 minutes if you take her or waiting for a bus and than it takes an hour. And it is the town where her school is, so a place you picked for her commute when deciding to live there.

I was originally on the "get the bus" side, but with the update about bus taking 5×longer (not counting for waiting), I'd say that one way would be more fair.
You don't have to be generally on call thought, with one way and pre agreed times, it should be easier on you as well.

YukoandHiro · 07/01/2023 00:03

YANBU. She's almost an adult. Make take responsibility for her own plans.

Oystersandwhelks · 07/01/2023 00:04

This has been a big issue for our family recently. Young people who wouldn't dream of doing the same for you, expect you to act as a taxi service on demand. It shows a lack of respect for you and the value of your time. And they clearly don't think about the environmental impact at all either. I think that at this age they should be independent unless they really can't be.

Redblanky · 07/01/2023 00:07

I'd be telling mine to go by bike 😆

TBH mine at that age would have chosen either bike or bus ahead of being seen dropped off by mum. I don't think it's being mean, it's helping them develop independence and in fact have some genuine independence

StillWantingADog · 07/01/2023 00:10

Yanbu
we live where we live specifically so that the kids can take public transport to places rather than rely on us

if tHere were special circumstances eg it was a late finish after the last bus, I was heading in that direction anyway or she had a massive instrument to carry I’d “be nice” but otherwise, bus!

MMMarmite · 07/01/2023 00:12

I was gonna say she should definitely take the bus, but to be fair the bus sounds frustratingly shit if it takes 5 times longer plus having to wait for it if late. Presumably she didn't choose where you live, and if she had the choice would learn to drive or live somewhere with good public transport?

I think it's okay to have boundaries of your own though, so it's up to you - if you're feeling kind, work out what compromise would be least annoying and offer that.

Redblanky · 07/01/2023 00:13

What will she do with saved time? Is it anything she couldn't do on the bus? 😆

EllieM27 · 07/01/2023 00:22

ZiriForEver · 06/01/2023 23:58

It’s 25 minutes there and back - it’s a 7 mile journey into a congested small market town in a rural area. Most of it at traffic lights. The bus goes round the houses so takes about an hour. They come once an hour.

Hm... So it is (from her point of view) 12 minutes if you take her or waiting for a bus and than it takes an hour. And it is the town where her school is, so a place you picked for her commute when deciding to live there.

I was originally on the "get the bus" side, but with the update about bus taking 5×longer (not counting for waiting), I'd say that one way would be more fair.
You don't have to be generally on call thought, with one way and pre agreed times, it should be easier on you as well.

I agree with this.

OP, in your other reply you mention that the three people that know and love you the most are thinking that you are being unreasonable and not very nice and you want to hear more perspectives. Honestly, it sounds like you already know! It would take you 25 minutes round trip, but it sounds like it could take her as long as 2 hours via the bus. I’m not sure why this is a hill you seem ready to die on, but I agree that your family will think that you are being stubborn and unpleasant if you don’t. Whether you are okay with them thinking that or not is up to you.

GertrudePerkinsPaperyThing · 07/01/2023 00:29

I actually think it’s actively good for them to get used to going places by themselves, under their own steam, as teenagers. Relying on lifts is going to make for really incapable adults.

Yes on the odd occasion a lift is nice, or if it’s late at night when they’re a bit younger, but generally just walking out the door by themselves should be the norm.

I can’t imagine my 14 yo wanting a lift to somewhere that she could easily just get to - she just wouldn’t.

GertrudePerkinsPaperyThing · 07/01/2023 00:30

Mind you, we do live in London (albeit outer London) so we do have good public transport. It is a bit rubbish for teens when they live somewhere with crap transport links, very limiting for them.

UsingChangeofName · 07/01/2023 00:32

The only thing that is unreasonable her is the fact she hasn't caught a bus in nearly 3 years !!!
That's hardly building up her independence skills for becoming an adult soon, is it ?

Remaker · 07/01/2023 00:35

I have 15 and 16 year olds. The 16yo in particular has a very active social life. We mix it up with lifts vs PT. If we have something on they make their own way. If I’m just sitting around at home I give them a lift. I don’t mind driving and will listen to a podcast or audio book when I’m on my own. Driving is a good time for a chat with teens. A frequent compromise is we drop them at the local train station which is a 7 min drive vs 30 min bus plus walking/waiting. Last night I was cross with DD as she was late home but I picked her up from the station as the alternative is a long walk home from the bus stop in the dark and rain which I don’t think is safe (fewer people around in heavy rain makes it less safe for teen girl to walk alone IMO).

I know MN believes in being tough on teens but ours are good kids and very independent for their age so I will just stick to what is working for us.

whoyougonnacallGOATSBUTTER · 07/01/2023 00:36

That’s crazy, I took the bus to my Saturday job every week when I was 16 (14 miles).

It’s great to build that confidence early on.

To be honest, her sister has been more vocal than she has when she said to me ‘it’s just nice to be nice, isn’t it? It’s hardly a big chore - it’s 25 minutes of your day to take her there’

How old is her sister? Unless she has her own car and can drop her sister, she really needs to keep her nose out.

Longtimelurkerfinallyposts · 07/01/2023 00:45

How long would it take her to cycle there? and does she have a bike?

Noonesperfect · 07/01/2023 01:33

You could drive her to the bus stop and let her wait in the car till said bus arrives, then she won't get cold 🤔

Saracen · 07/01/2023 01:47

People show kindness in different ways. My DH is just the same as yours, OP. He genuinely doesn't mind giving lifts and doesn't see why I would mind. On the other hand, he would never play a board game with the kids which he didn't enjoy himself.

I am willing to give lifts only if the journey would otherwise be impossible, unsafe, or highly unpleasant. It's actually one of the reasons I chose to live where we do: so the teens could have independence and so I wouldn't have to ferry them around.

lifeinthehills · 07/01/2023 02:26

At 17 this shouldn't be an issue. Of course she should take herself if she can. If you can take it her one because it fits for her, bonus for her, but it's not your job to have to do that.

One thing I have been able to do sometimes with my older kids is do a swap. It's quite disruptive to my getting things done that I need to do, so sometimes I make it a win/win situation. "If you can get the vacuuming done, I'll drive you one way." It still takes more time to do it than it would do do the chore, but the time saving means that I don't feel stressed because I'm not getting anything done. Besides, driving and chatting with them is more fun than vacuuming.

At 17 though, she should be virtually completely independent as far as her movements.

NoisyWitness · 07/01/2023 02:48

Do you mean she would like you to take her, hang around for multiple hours and then take her home? I wouldn’t do that on a regular basis unless she needed extra support for some reason, but I would occasionally. If it’s a long time between her getting there and wanting to come home, I think it’s more than fair that you’ve offered to do either drop off or pick up.

I wouldn’t mind hanging around for a short time though, I’d just read a book or something.

MysteryBelle · 07/01/2023 03:28

I would gladly drive her there and pick her up especially if I’m free to do it. Teens become independent soon enough (most do that is 😀) and I for one enjoy the time with my teenage son however I can get it.

JudgeRudy · 07/01/2023 03:38

YANBU - she is going into town for leisure. There's no reason she cannot take the bus other than its 'inconvenient' so she feels it's OK to inconvenience you. That's incredibly entitled
I hate it when people say l have no plans - yes I do. I plan to do exactly as I want, and dont give me any of this "itll only take you 10mins"....no, it wont, it hever does and its disrupting my whole afternoon/evening. Whats she plan to do when she gets a job?

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