To refuse to agree that I will take on FiL's dog when he dies?

[SpareHeirOverThere]

FiL is 84 and over the last year his health has become increasingly fragile. He lives alone and independently still, at the moment. But he could need to be put into a home or hospital - or heaven forbid could die - at any time. It's been a tough year for all the family as he is much loved.

FiL has an 8 yo dog, a medium-ish sized rescue (20kg?). He's a nice dog, what I've seen of him. Barks for extended periods during the day and doesn't get walked anything like often or far or fast enough. I don't see FiL often as we live a long distance away. So I don't know much about the dog or its behaviour.

Dh & I & our 3 teenaged dc have a small dog. And because of that, the wider family (dh has 4 siblings) are looking at us and looking at FiL's dog - and I know what's coming.

I do not want this dog. We live in a large upstairs flat in a block. I love taking our ddog for walks. Love having a dog. But one is enough. Ours is half the size of FiL's and trained to be a good neighbour (critical in a flat). It's a lot more mess and hassle and noise, and our dog does not get on well with FiL's dog.

DH also does not want the dog. But DH will melt like butter. He is a mad animal lover and we all know what rehoming might be like for an 8 year old dog that barks indoors. Dh will stand firm if I do.

No one else in the family will take the dog. No one else owns one currently.

So... am I being unreasonable to refuse straight up to take this dog?

I really don't want another dog.

YANBU Refuse the dog
YABU Take the poor thing

YANBU, but has anyone actually asked you directly?
I'm sure there is a charity out there that is set up for scenarios such as these.

YANBU!

You already own a dog and couldn’t possibly take on another one. Just keep saying that on repeat.

FIL had a dog when he died. We couldn’t (& wouldn’t anyway) have it and SIL didn’t want it so her DH’s DM actually took it on.
If none of the other siblings want it, it doesn’t mean you have to have it. Stand firm.

Ha! I’m in the same position as you, but I don’t have a dog and it’s Two boarder collies. I love dogs but don’t have one at the moment as I don’t have the time and enjoy holidays but I’m apparently having these two very young dogs when FIL dies, he has Leukaemia he should never of bought the dogs when he knew he had maximum of ten years. I have no advice but to stick to your guns and don’t let DH make the decision.

Is t there a charity called the Cinnamon trust that will regime in these circumstances?

No one has asked directly. Love 'em, but the family are not big on planning. They will ask when there is a crisis.

Of course YANBU. You shouldn’t have a medium sized dog in a flat, IMO. Small dog chosen for that lifestyle, fine. But you’d be stupid to agree to take on any other dog.

My MIL had an agreement with her DD that she’d have her dog if anything happened to her. That’s been revoked due to changed circumstances. We have a dog that tolerates MIL’s dog - and she’s mentioned her fears of what would happen to hers with the clear subtext of us saying ‘Don’t worry, we’ll have him.’ But my DH hates her dog and I’m not fond of it either. So what I said was ‘Don’t worry, we’d make sure he was looked after and the best home found for him.’ I suggest you say the same.

I was going to say YABU until I saw you live in a flat. YANBU because you know the dog will not be happy in a flat and it doesn’t get on with your dog. YANBU to consider your neighbours.
Those 3 reasons are more than enough to refuse to have the dog if you are asked.
Look at The Cinnamon Trust who may be able to help if and when the dog needs a new home.

Stay firm and say no. You’re not obliged to take the dog in so if you don’t want it just stick to your guns and say no.

Off to Google! Thank you.

If you haven't been asked yet. Surely there's time to sort this and come up with a plan before it's a crisis

Then at crisis point you can deliver the well researched strategy (Cinnamon Trust, animal charity close to your FIL etc) with well practised line about not being able to because of your own dog.

Or you can ask FIL outright - ‘Do you have a plan for what would happen to dog if you’re not well?’ - and then make it clear direct to him you are not an option.

I agree with a pp that the Cinammon Trust are the people you need . In fact you could contact them now as they may have a volunteer locally who could walk the dog now and that way they would be aware of the dog before they were actually needed .

Agree to take the dog so he is easy in his mind, but make preparations to re-home the dog when the time comes.

Yanbu. Especially living in a flat.

Lots of people will give a good home to a house trained dog and if he gets more regular exercise he will be a lot less barky too I expect.

I see this is a common issue!

@NoSquirrels Um, no. FiL is totally planless.

I do like the thought that while I can't take the little beastie, I can get a plan together for its care.

Do you take your dog with you when you visit?

id be dropping into conversations with family now that your dog “wasn’t able to cope” with FILs big dog, and that you have realised that if anything happened to FIL you couldn’t have his dog in the same home as yours.

set out your stall and be clear it’s not an option.

Google Cinnamon Trust

cinnamon.org.uk

Also glad to see that I am not being unreasonable. I do feel for the dog - and I do agree that his behavioural issues would likely resolve with more exercise and training.

Posted too soon! Drop it into conversations now with DHs family that you can’t have FILs dog (blaming your own doesn’t make it seem you are against FILs dog, people do get oddly offended if you insult a family dog), and it might make them start to have conversations about what to do with the dog that doesn’t involve you/DH. You might find when they stop to think about it, someone else might be prepared to take on an older dog.

No, we usually leave ddog with a friend who dog-sits.

Just tell FiL you will take the dog. You don’t ACTUALLY have to take it, but FiL will be dead so he won’t know any different. But if it makes him happy, just say you will.

our dog does not get on well with FiL's dog

This would be the deciding factor for me. I considered offering to be the back up home for my Nan's dog, but she finds our (young, bouncy) dog too much. Luckily we have other family with older dogs she gets on well with. No point offering a home where both animals will then be stressed.

Ok reframe as you can’t take dog to FIL because your dog doesn’t cope being round others so you definitely can’t take FILs dog, don’t say this to FIL but to other siblings. Make sure they have the conversations amongst themselves, clear that you aren’t a solution.

Reputable rescues will always take a dog back in these circumstances, have you asked them?