To refuse to agree that I will take on FiL's dog when he dies?

[SpareHeirOverThere]

FiL is 84 and over the last year his health has become increasingly fragile. He lives alone and independently still, at the moment. But he could need to be put into a home or hospital - or heaven forbid could die - at any time. It's been a tough year for all the family as he is much loved.

FiL has an 8 yo dog, a medium-ish sized rescue (20kg?). He's a nice dog, what I've seen of him. Barks for extended periods during the day and doesn't get walked anything like often or far or fast enough. I don't see FiL often as we live a long distance away. So I don't know much about the dog or its behaviour.

Dh & I & our 3 teenaged dc have a small dog. And because of that, the wider family (dh has 4 siblings) are looking at us and looking at FiL's dog - and I know what's coming.

I do not want this dog. We live in a large upstairs flat in a block. I love taking our ddog for walks. Love having a dog. But one is enough. Ours is half the size of FiL's and trained to be a good neighbour (critical in a flat). It's a lot more mess and hassle and noise, and our dog does not get on well with FiL's dog.

DH also does not want the dog. But DH will melt like butter. He is a mad animal lover and we all know what rehoming might be like for an 8 year old dog that barks indoors. Dh will stand firm if I do.

No one else in the family will take the dog. No one else owns one currently.

So... am I being unreasonable to refuse straight up to take this dog?

I really don't want another dog.

YANBU Refuse the dog
YABU Take the poor thing

Very good suggestions about getting a conversation started about this.

I am a total dog lover but I wouldn’t have 2 in a flat unless they were both very small. It wouldn’t work and it wouldn’t be fair on you, your dog, or FIL’s dog.

Not your problem. How do you know they are looking to you to have it-what’s been said?

Excellent plan, until he perhaps goes in to care/hospital and ISN’T dead, but still wants them to take the dog …

Make it very clear now OP, and ensure people (including your DH) don’t get it in their heads that you are the solution. Any of the reasons of making your own dog’s life a misery, not being suitable when living in a flat and/or just not wishing to are entirely valid.

MiL, who sadly passed away two years ago, adopted the dog. I don't know where it came from - but someone might. I'll ask. Thanks.

In my family we've agreed to take in any left behind dogs . Rehoming is traumatic for dogs particularly an older dog . If that means I have a few years of parents dog so be it .

Or our neighbours!

Make it clear your dog doesn't get on well with other dogs particularly this dog (or this dogs type if they haven't really met) and that addressing dog v dog issues in a flat, with a dog that is traumatised by sudden life change is as unwise as it gets and doomed to failure.

Find out where dog came from, if its a reputable rescue it should go back there and they should facilitate that (and if they don't, then they're not a reputable rescue!).

If that fails then look for places that will take on dog, which is a faff but at least means its unlikely you'll be asked at the last second to step in, and then have to do all that anyway!

Your FIL can contact The Dogs Trust or RSPCA, they both do a ‘ home for life after you’ve gone” scheme. There’s no charge but donations welcome , or an amount in a Will I suppose.
I wouldn’t fancy carrying a 20kg dog up flights of stairs if it should develop mobility problems in older age!

I agree that two people in their mid-70s should not have adopted a dog without first making a plan for this really very likely scenario. But they did. And it isn't the poor dog's fault.

If they all think ‘No, I don’t want it’ is a reasonable answer, then it’s a reasonable answer for you to give too.

If they ask why you don’t, ask them why they don’t and say ‘Same’.

I think the poor dog should be rehomed now, not when FIL passes away. He’s clearly not meeting it’s needs, the dog needs exercise and stimulation that FIL isn’t providing. I bet the behaviour issues will resolve once dog is having its needs met.

Good tip - thank you.

There is a lift in our block of flats, so no need to carry the dog.

Hmm. Just been told dog was a Romanian rescue. It is a Heinz 57 - cute as can be - so I probably should have realised.

This probably explains how 2 people in their mid70s were able to adopt a young, active dog.

Rescue charities are very accustomed to this scenario. (Elderly owner goes into care/dies, leaving a dog) In fact, it would be a good idea to enter into an active discussion with one or more rescue charities as to how they would handle this sort of re-homing, and then present it to either/or both other family members, FIL.
Example, I used to work with a breed welfare charity. They would take in rescues, then place them with extremely knowledgeable foster homes for assessment and re-training. Then they would be placed for adoption, with the families and their properties carefully assessed. I remember doing the home assessment for a very spry 90 year old woman; we identified a dog v similar to your FILs (older, quiet), she was delighted and the placement was a great success.
These can actually be “win-win” situations, but a reputable charity is a must. Good luck!

Our neighbour's 10-year-old, loud, reactive dog has been rehomed successfully via the Dogs Trust now that he's gone into sheltered accommodation. Don't despair of an older dog being rehomed.

He did ask if we'd take her -- a fair question, as we've been walking her for years since he became too frail, but like you, we have a dog chosen to suit our family set-up, which includes bad backs and a slow and stupid cat.

My Mum adopted an older dog whose owner had passed away.
In your shoes I would talk it over with your DH and agree a position. If your FIL is very distressed about the dog I probably would tell a white lie so he doesn't worry. If you can't take the dog, you can ensure it is responsibly rehomed..

Lots of excellent help here. Thank you all for your suggestions. I am feeling much more hopeful about finding a good solution FiL's ddog.

What matters is what is best for the dog, not the emotion of the family. Rehoming might be traumatic... but so our unsuitable living conditions like a flat and another dog whom they don't get on with.

YANBU to research a plan for the best welfare of the dog.

I very very reluctantly took my mothers elderly but adored dog when she died I already had 2 dogs. I hated having her found walking three dogs a nightmare and there were space issues in the car etc she wouldn’t eat dog food my mother had spoilt her and lots of other things. Two months in I posted in the dog house about rehoming her I felt terribly guilty. Just after that she had a stroke and was put to sleep in my arms. My advice don’t take in this dog unless you really want it.

I'm so sorry that happened to you. Losing your Mum and then having to handle the dog's death. That's incredibly sad.

I echo Cinnamon Trust, this is their specialty.

It was terribly sad I knew my mother would have wanted only me to take her, and it broke my heart having her PTS as she adored the dog but it was also a relief as I couldn't really manage her I was so conflicted.

Cinnamon Trust might well be helpful now to get the dog more exercise - their main role is to help the elderly care for pets so they can stay together. They do have short term foster carer volunteers if someone has to go into hospital etc, but they aren’t a rehoming charity and have no kennels. Dogs Trust offer a service to elderly folk where they will promise to rehome a dog if owner dies in return for a donation or legacy gift. All the rescue organisations are overstretched though so get a plan in place now rather than wait until crisis point.