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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be concerned that he never talks about marriage?

51 replies

Brackathon · 06/01/2023 14:34

DP and I (both aged 30) have been in a relationship for two years and living together for 18 months. DP has made it clear that he wants to spend the rest of his life with me, yet when speaking about our future and plans over the next couple of years, marriage is never mentioned. I asked him directly about this a few months ago and his response was that he would like us to get married “sometime in the future” when the time is right and the topic was quickly changed.

I have a number of friends around my age in relationships of a similar duration to mine, and many of those couples are either engaged or have at least spoken in quite a bit of detail about their timescales for will marriage and have even discussed wedding plans. AIBU in being a bit concerned at this stage of our relationship that the same isn’t happening here?

FYI I don’t know for sure whether or not I want to have children (I have known fertility issues, so TTC would be long and stressful), but before even considering that, I’d want us to be married, which does in some way make me feel as though time is running out.

OP posts:
TeeBee · 06/01/2023 14:40

And maybe marriage isn't important to him...and his feelings are as valid as yours. Not everyone wants marriage. I guess its something you're going to have to discuss bluntly with him if it a dealbreaker for you.

Testina · 06/01/2023 14:41

What’s there to talk about though?
How many times can you talk about timing? I certainly would be bored having, “when we do get married I’d like a carriage with white horses and a dove release” type conversations.

If you want to get engaged, propose to him. If he says no - deal with that.

IME having known fertility issues made TTC far less stressful and much quicker second time round… straight to IVF, instead of the years of trying and testing before IVF for number one!

girlmom21 · 06/01/2023 14:41

If marriage is important to you you need to tell him that and ask if you're on the same page.

Testina · 06/01/2023 14:43

Time is not running out. You’re only 30. The conception rates between 30 and 35 aren’t much different. 5 years is plenty of time to get married. Or are you saying - if he won’t get married, you need time to end the relationship and start again?

ThreeblackCats · 06/01/2023 14:43

You need to let him know. Marriage is important to some, let him know if it matters.

Cheeseandhoney · 06/01/2023 14:44

Why are you telling us and not him?

BernadetteRostankowskiWolowitz · 06/01/2023 14:45

Just sit him down and say "marriage is important to me, especially before we have kids, and I'd like you to know that. What are your thoughts, and can we at least discuss any potential for it happening in our future as I'm keen to check we are both on the same page on this"

Amanitacae · 06/01/2023 14:49

You need to have the conversation about whether you want to try for kids first. That has to feed into both of your decisions re. whether to get married.

girlmom21 · 06/01/2023 14:51

Amanitacae · 06/01/2023 14:49

You need to have the conversation about whether you want to try for kids first. That has to feed into both of your decisions re. whether to get married.

Why do you need to discuss kids before marriage unless it's something one of you is certain you want?

Suprima · 06/01/2023 14:53

i just don’t understand why you have committed and moved in with someone when you haven’t made sure you are on the same page about a pretty big deal breaker?

I honestly think so many women have been conned into thinking that if you want a future with marriage you are obsessive and crazy and don’t talk about it because you might scare him off (hey, if a man is scared off by marrying you, let him run). If you are in a serious relationship, you need to make sure that you both see it that way and you know where you heading towards.

late twenties/early thirties is the danger zone for your time being wasted as you are still young on paper so don’t want to issue ‘ultimatums’ or sound cRaZY but equally men don’t want to settle down properly but DO want someone to split the bills with, shag and go on holiday with for 5 years+ before they move on to who they actually do want to marry.

OP- i think you need to start peppering your conversations with ‘when I get married, I want to do x’ or ‘I want to be married before 34’. Make it about you and what you want, see what happens. Give it a few months and reassess.

you will be advised to have a blunt conversation with him but I think the horse has bolted really. You are already living together, committed, he knows he’s got you, cornering him and declaring that you want to marry HIM will just make him feel even more secure in your relationship.

show him your bar, see if he’s on the same page and let him rise to it.

my advice is based on a lot of hand holding of thirty something friends who wasted their best years on a bloke who saw marriage ‘someday’. Someone who was very happy with my mates as a live in girlfriends making their life peachy for a decade, but didn’t want them as a wife.

Getoff · 06/01/2023 14:54

girlmom21 · 06/01/2023 14:51

Why do you need to discuss kids before marriage unless it's something one of you is certain you want?

Show quote history

Presumably because it would be a bit unfortunate to find out the other person didn't want children after you were married?

girlmom21 · 06/01/2023 14:54

And it'd be crap to have kids then realise they're not bothered about marriage @Getoff

Getoff · 06/01/2023 14:56

girlmom21 · 06/01/2023 14:54

And it'd be crap to have kids then realise they're not bothered about marriage @Getoff

Well yes, if you want both, you have to discuss both. Not do one and hope for the best with the other.

Suprima · 06/01/2023 14:57

Getoff · 06/01/2023 14:54

Presumably because it would be a bit unfortunate to find out the other person didn't want children after you were married?

Show quote history

What bizarre logic

you can always get divorced

you can’t reabsorb a baby. Also you can’t ever disentangle yourself from the person who never wanted to marry you. They’ll always be there. Because baby.

Swannning · 06/01/2023 14:58

Testina · 06/01/2023 14:41

What’s there to talk about though?
How many times can you talk about timing? I certainly would be bored having, “when we do get married I’d like a carriage with white horses and a dove release” type conversations.

If you want to get engaged, propose to him. If he says no - deal with that.

IME having known fertility issues made TTC far less stressful and much quicker second time round… straight to IVF, instead of the years of trying and testing before IVF for number one!

Exactly this

IWantItThatWay002 · 06/01/2023 14:58

Been with DP 11 years & only just got engaged. I made it clear years ago I wanted to get married by getting a house & having DC came first. It was a pleasant surprise at Xmas.

My DF always said we'd do it "one day". Just took a decade. I'm only a few years older than you too.

poetryandwine · 06/01/2023 14:59

I think @Suprima has a good idea. Advocate for yourself, but be strong, don’t sound desperate and keep an open mind about whether or not the two of you are really on the same page. Act in your own interests. He is pretty clearly looking out for his.

Getoff · 06/01/2023 15:00

Suprima · 06/01/2023 14:57

What bizarre logic

you can always get divorced

you can’t reabsorb a baby. Also you can’t ever disentangle yourself from the person who never wanted to marry you. They’ll always be there. Because baby.

Show quote history

My thinking was that intending to have children is the only good reason for wanting to get married. But I guess there are still some people about who feel differently, for religious or romantic reason. (And if ciourse there are people who who will want to avoid marriage like the plague, regardless of children or anything else.)

Laiste · 06/01/2023 15:02

Tell him you want to be married. Tell him you have a time-frame in mind.

Ask him what he thinks.

If you really really wanted any other specific thing out of life which required his enthusiastic participation you'd tell him wouldn't you?

Imagine in a few years - it turns out that he was never that keen on marriage and says he didn't realise you were because you never properly said ...

No one wants to waste years over misunderstandings.

HarvestThyme · 06/01/2023 15:03

At 2 years in, you should be agreed on whether this is a longterm relationship and on marriage (or not). And kids (or not). You should want the same things on these 3, as these are normally not areas where you can or should compromise.

Ask him to marry you. If he says no or vaguely 'later', be prepared to walk away. 'Later' means no. Time to think about it? Fair enough. A month should do.

It's perfectly understandable if he does not want to marry. It's not for everyone. But if you want it, be prepared to leave him to find it elsewhere.

Do not be drawn down the never-ending Maybe Later, Maybe Next Year, etc.

theleafandnotthetree · 06/01/2023 15:04

IWantItThatWay002 · 06/01/2023 14:58

Been with DP 11 years & only just got engaged. I made it clear years ago I wanted to get married by getting a house & having DC came first. It was a pleasant surprise at Xmas.

My DF always said we'd do it "one day". Just took a decade. I'm only a few years older than you too.

I can't wrap my head around surprise proposals with couples who have children, property, who have been together this long. The thought of waiting breathlessly for your 'prince' to deign to marry you.....

HandlebarLadyTash · 06/01/2023 15:05

I would only marry if I had a child it's not worth the hassle. So many marriages fail and divorce is messy and expensive.

MavisMcMinty · 06/01/2023 15:10

What is it about marriage that you want, @Brackathon ? You need to be able to articulate that to your DP if you want to persuade him it’s a good thing. I’m twice your age, never married, been with my current DP almost as long as you’ve been alive, and marriage has always felt like an old-fashioned unnecessary business to both of us. If we ever do it, it’d be purely for inheritance purposes, although we have made mirror wills already anyway. So I’m curious to know what it is about marriage that’s so important to you?

Allthegoodnamesarechosen · 06/01/2023 15:12

MavisMcMinty · 06/01/2023 15:10

What is it about marriage that you want, @Brackathon ? You need to be able to articulate that to your DP if you want to persuade him it’s a good thing. I’m twice your age, never married, been with my current DP almost as long as you’ve been alive, and marriage has always felt like an old-fashioned unnecessary business to both of us. If we ever do it, it’d be purely for inheritance purposes, although we have made mirror wills already anyway. So I’m curious to know what it is about marriage that’s so important to you?

Mirror wills are fine. But you will still be paying the government Inheritance tax unless you are married or in a. civil partnership.

MavisMcMinty · 06/01/2023 15:13

Only if we win the lottery - our house is way below the IHT threshold.