To be concerned that he never talks about marriage?

[Brackathon]

DP and I (both aged 30) have been in a relationship for two years and living together for 18 months. DP has made it clear that he wants to spend the rest of his life with me, yet when speaking about our future and plans over the next couple of years, marriage is never mentioned. I asked him directly about this a few months ago and his response was that he would like us to get married “sometime in the future” when the time is right and the topic was quickly changed.

I have a number of friends around my age in relationships of a similar duration to mine, and many of those couples are either engaged or have at least spoken in quite a bit of detail about their timescales for will marriage and have even discussed wedding plans. AIBU in being a bit concerned at this stage of our relationship that the same isn’t happening here?

FYI I don’t know for sure whether or not I want to have children (I have known fertility issues, so TTC would be long and stressful), but before even considering that, I’d want us to be married, which does in some way make me feel as though time is running out.

2 years in, and in your 30s, I would have expected you to have talked out the big ticket items and have a plan.

Otherwise you are just wasting time waiting for something that might be important to you but might not be on his radar.

AIBU in being a bit concerned at this stage of our relationship that the same isn’t happening here?

Why hasn't it happened? It is equally your responsibility to have these conversations. If you can't communicate maybe consider if you are either not compatible, or if he block the conversation whether he is committed.

Start the conversation tonight and see how it goes - where do you both see your future and timescales you both accept. You should know each other well enough after 2 years for this conversation not to be a big deal. It is not unreasonable to come out of the conversation - perhaps have it over a few nights - agreeing your will get engaged in summer, married next summer and start TTC straight after or agree to eloping in summer, save for house deposit planning to move by next summer TTC straight after, or agree no marriage or kids but how finances/wills/security will be handled - or whatever of the million flavours of future you both want together.

The only thing I would not accept is "later", as lazy and everyone is entitled to know what their partners thoughts are for their future.

Of course!

Dont talk about it, get married, find out after you are legally bound together that you have a fundamental difference in life plan, and then get divorced - yes, silly me, that’s a much better idea. Why have a chat about it now to check you are on the same page and miss the chance to go through all that other stuff?

This doesn't answer OP's question at all and I don't think is good advice at all. It sounds like she wants to be married (which has nothing to do with white doves and carriages....that just sounds patronising and naive). There are many legal and financial advantages to getting married which have nothing to do with a flashy wedding. It's ridiculous to propose instead of having a number of discussions about marriage and the future. A proposal usually doesn't come until both people are on the same page and just waiting to make it official. It would be tone deaf for OP to propose in this situation.

Wrong quote fail 🤦‍♀️

Why do you want to get married?

Is it for the security? Do you want to take time off work when you have children? Or is it the white dress, fancy ring big party and all that jazz?

If it's the former, you need to lay your cards on the table I think. I want children and if you want me to raise children for any time I need the security, therefore we need to get married if we're going to have children.

Who has the higher earnings? If it's him and if you're likely to be pushed into default childcare, this is pretty important.

If you don't want children, or you want children but you are the higher earner and are happy to continue in this vein don't get married, you will find yourself worse off in the event of a split.

It's pretty binary. Marriage is only worth the faff if you think you're going to be financially vulnerable.

When he talks about the future, does he talk about kids? If so, I’d just keep pointing out that I won’t be having any children until I’m married.

I wouldn’t be passive about this, if children and marriage is important to you, you will have to have a cut off point with him if he doesn’t seem to be moving towards either.

You may well think that 5 years is plenty of time to get married, but I do not want to wait another 5 years. I think I’m perfectly entitled to feel that way, especially given that I’d need IVF should we both decide to TTC.

DP and I have already discussed this issue, he’s well aware of my feelings on the matter and is equally happy to go with the flow.

What, so he will get married if that’s what you want?

This, and what @Laiste said at 15:02

You need to have this conversation with him now, not let it drift.

If the two of you aren't on the same page, then you have big decisions about whether one of you can change their thinking because the relationship is too good to lose, or you both need to make the break and find people who are on the same page.

'Drifting on' because you won't have a conversation with him is not the right way for any of you.

OP Marriage is a legal and financial as well as a romantic relationship - perhaps primarily so. Before you or your DP make a decision either way, it might be useful to read this very informative short piece from Citizens Advice:
www.citizensadvice.org.uk/family/living-together-marriage-and-civil-partnership/living-together-and-marriage-legal-differences/

I also think, with previous posters, that if you are living with someone the pair of you should each be honest and open about what you want from the arrangement, and about what your long term intentions are. As other posters have said, 'later' is not an acceptable answer.

You need to have a frank conversation. You would like to marry. You don’t want to cohabit long term. Then take it from there. If he’s in the I don’t want to marry ever camp then you know and can deal.
He may not know you do.
He might be thinking you are as good as married (lots of adults wrongly think common law marriage exists in England)

What does that mean? Does it mean he wants children too but will go with the flow in marriage? Or that he will go with the flow on all of it?

You don’t sounds very clear about why you want to get married. There’s no point getting married because you love someone. Marriage isn’t about hearts and flowers and lovely rings.

Marriage is a legal contract but it can have massive financial repercussions if you either don’t do it when you should or do I when you shouldn’t. You need to decide what the point of it is and then whether it’s something to push for. And then speak to him and be ready to hold the line and not tolerate any “go with the flow” shit.

I wasn't waiting for my "prince". We'd discussed getting married on & off over the years but I was happy if we did not.

It was a nice surprise that he asked me as it wasn't something I felt I had to do.

No need to be so cutting with your comments.

Don't have children with a man that won't marry you beforehand.

OP I agree that you are running out of time. Obviously if you find out you are on the same page and do marry in the next few years, all well and good.

If you have a frank discussion and end up going your separate ways, you're starting from scratch and that takes time.

No. As per the quoted comment, I was responding to a point about whether we’ve discussed having children.

My thoughts exactly. Thank you

I'm not surprised, have known women in a relationship for a lot longer and the matter never raised by their man.

Your feelings/views are perfectly valid, and would even if having children were not a consideration.

Absolute red alert. If marriage is important to you and he's not even willing to discuss it after two years drop him. If he still doesn't know if he wants to marry you after two years then he never will

Married after only being together for two years...

No wonder there are so many divorces.

What an odd (and deliberately unpleasant comment). For a start op isn't getting married she's having a sensible discussion with her long term partner about their future plans. Two years is actually quite slow to start discussing that. In any case in your 30s two years isn't outrageously quick to be married and longer relationships than that aren't correlated with lower divorce rates so you're talking nonsense.

I thought this with my now “husband” never really discussed when it could possibly happen. One day I got really upset (he’s previously been engaged to be married) and I felt maybe I wasn’t what he wanted. He turned around, passed me his phone and said “look through my history if you think I don’t wanna marry you” I declined. But in a nutshell he’d been looking at engagement rings. Months later, he asked me to marry at him. I kinda spoiled my own surprise! Anyway we’re married now and it’s a story to tell.

Marriage is not a relationship must, Ultimately it is a piece of paper.

I agree with Mavis... been with my DP 22yrs, have home, mortgage, kids... marriage might happen one day (quietly and cheaply as possible) just for inheritance purposes, but beyond that it is just not necessary

Sit him down and tell him marriage is important to you and you want to have children after getting married.

tell him you want to be married by x year.

I didn’t bother moving in with DH till I knew for certain he was on the same page as me with regards marriage and kids.

I wouldn’t wait for proposals etc, sit down and make definite plans together. And don’t let the conversation be changed/ignored. You’re an adult with a say in how you want your relationship to progress. You need to know from him exactly what his intentions are and plan accordingly.
In your shoes I would walk away fast if he is vague or doesn’t want to get married. Because you do.