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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Aibu for working in the same place as my friend?

113 replies

Clydethecaterpillar · 06/01/2023 14:16

context, been stuck in a bit of a career rut for 4 years, feeling down about it. Saw a job post on LinkedIn for a role at the same company my friend works at, different department so we wouldn’t really be working together but might bump into each other at the office if we were both In at the same time.
sent job ad to friend to get her thoughts, all very positive and telling my to go for it. I did, interviewed and got the role with a 7k pay rise and more holiday. Win win. Accept job, quit old job and sign contract.
friend now tells me, she’s uncomfortable me working there, but can’t say why when asked, she’s just uncomfortable because her career is everything to her and she has integrity. My working there has no impact on her as I can’t foresee any situation in which we’d be working together. She didn’t sneak my interview questions or anything. She’s now defriended me on all social media and said if I chose to work there then she can’t continue the friendship.

have I done something wrong here? Aibu to have applied in the first place. I didn’t name drop her or anything to get the job, we wouldn’t really even see each other at work as 90% is remote. i just don’t understand.

if it was such a big deal I don’t get why she didn’t say before?

OP posts:
MrsJackGrealish · 06/01/2023 18:50

Why did she wait to tell you until after you quit your job for this one?

billy1966 · 06/01/2023 18:53

OP,

This is on her.

She probably thought you wouldn't get the job.
Now you have, she is having flashbacks about all the bitching she has done.

She is embarrassed that she was so frank with you.

Do nothing.

Move on.

Accept what has happened.

She sounds very highly strung.

Most people might just say that I hope any early conversations will remain strictly confidential.

Good luck with the move.

SunshineAndFizz · 06/01/2023 18:58

SurfingNovice · 06/01/2023 18:43

I'm going to go against the grain here.

I could tell from your original post that she was more senior than you, and, in and of itself, that's the issue. It's sad but I absolutely get it. In a very senior position in some organisations, she may need to be seen to distance herself from those who are not in senior leadership (rightly or wrongly). Depending on the company culture, is not always appropriate to be seen to have friends in the organisation, particularly those much more junior than you. That's the issue. Sorry OP, it's tough and shit for you/your friendship but I am v senior in my organisation and I get it. She should have told you before though.

But she's not in senior leadership, she's a product owner.

I've worked in several FTSE 100/250 companies and I've known leaders with friends or family (or partners) across various levels. Yes be professional and don't have a natter/gossip at work, but there's no real reason you can't have friends.

Jimboscott0115 · 06/01/2023 19:02

Clydethecaterpillar · 06/01/2023 14:19

I’d be a project manager and she’s a product owner, so they are similar and perhaps, maybe there could be an eventuality in which my team could interact with hers, but so what, lots of people become friendly at work. I just don’t get it

Show quote history

Well as a project manager by trade, I can tell you that product owners are one of the closest colleagues you'll have, the two generally work hand in hand to get things done.

This isn't an issue of course but if your friend is aware you'll be joining to run a certain portfolio of projects that happen overlap with her project I think it's a valid concern to express re friends working together but she needs to be more mature and you both have a discussion and lay down boundaries etc in advance of you joining.

So YANBU, but her concerns are valid, though she has dealt with them in a ridiculous and childish way so stuff her if she can't have an adult conversation about her concerns.

WiddlinDiddlin · 06/01/2023 19:07

Weird that she's told you about positions there in the past, encouraged you to go for this role and only now you have got it, she's got an issue with it.

This is a 'her' problem, not a 'you' problem and I agree with PP, the root of this is that you might blow her lies one way or another.

Either, shes lied to you about something work related that will come to light, OR she's lied to them about something and you know the truth, and it may come to light.

Ignore, take the job, enjoy. Find better friends, real friends would not behave this way.

Original poster
Clydethecaterpillar · 06/01/2023 19:07

SunshineAndFizz · 06/01/2023 18:58

But she's not in senior leadership, she's a product owner.

I've worked in several FTSE 100/250 companies and I've known leaders with friends or family (or partners) across various levels. Yes be professional and don't have a natter/gossip at work, but there's no real reason you can't have friends.

Show quote history

its a big company, you’ll have heard of them, same as the company I came from and there was definitely not a you can’t be friends with lesser beings rule or vibe where I worked at all, the senior leadership were very friendly and approachable and often socialised (work style) with people lower down the food chain, in fact I have people from the snr leadership team at my old work on social media and there was never even a hint of ‘you can’t do this’ they’d help and they’d help yup progress where they could, everyone was a small fish once.

she’s not senior leadership like exec level, probably a mid 60k job to my mid 40k, so I’m with you there. If there is that vibe that the seniors can’t associate with the prols then yikes… speaks volumes for culture

OP posts:
Jimboscott0115 · 06/01/2023 19:08

SunshineAndFizz · 06/01/2023 18:58

But she's not in senior leadership, she's a product owner.

I've worked in several FTSE 100/250 companies and I've known leaders with friends or family (or partners) across various levels. Yes be professional and don't have a natter/gossip at work, but there's no real reason you can't have friends.

Show quote history

But a product owner is fairly often more senior than a project manager, no? Certainly in most large organisations that's pretty common except for very senior PMs and makes sense given product owners have a lot more responsibility. Being friends in this dynamic isn't necessarily very healthy and is unlikely to be overly successful unless you can guarantee that not a single part of work/friendship will encroach on the other part.

Just adding a perspective as this could genuinely impact your friendship, but she's dealt with it ridiculously. I'm slightly surprised that as a PM you talk about being in different departments when the people a PM talks to least are other project managers except when seeking/providing guidance!

Original poster
Clydethecaterpillar · 06/01/2023 19:08

Jimboscott0115 · 06/01/2023 19:02

Well as a project manager by trade, I can tell you that product owners are one of the closest colleagues you'll have, the two generally work hand in hand to get things done.

This isn't an issue of course but if your friend is aware you'll be joining to run a certain portfolio of projects that happen overlap with her project I think it's a valid concern to express re friends working together but she needs to be more mature and you both have a discussion and lay down boundaries etc in advance of you joining.

So YANBU, but her concerns are valid, though she has dealt with them in a ridiculous and childish way so stuff her if she can't have an adult conversation about her concerns.

Show quote history

its two separate business areas so it’s very very unlikely our paths will cross

OP posts:
Jimboscott0115 · 06/01/2023 19:14

Clydethecaterpillar · 06/01/2023 19:08

its two separate business areas so it’s very very unlikely our paths will cross

Show quote history

Ah ok, makes more sense. In which case there's two potential sides I can see
1- she's just an idiot
2-she may know people in that business unit and might have a bad reputation or difficult relationship with someone (or similar) and doesn't want you to find out. It's not beyond the realms of possibility that she's a bit shit at her job or a bit of a knob at work is it?

Mummadeze · 06/01/2023 19:19

I feel sad on your behalf. I would be delighted if my friend started to work at my work and would enjoy going to lunch with them regularly. My housemate got a job under her own steam at the company I worked for once in a different department and we only saw each other on the way to work and on the way home.

Original poster
Clydethecaterpillar · 06/01/2023 19:22

Jimboscott0115 · 06/01/2023 19:14

Ah ok, makes more sense. In which case there's two potential sides I can see
1- she's just an idiot
2-she may know people in that business unit and might have a bad reputation or difficult relationship with someone (or similar) and doesn't want you to find out. It's not beyond the realms of possibility that she's a bit shit at her job or a bit of a knob at work is it?

Show quote history

Maybe, maybe she’s not well liked by certain areas, I don’t know, she’s a people manager and doesn’t speak too highly of those she manages and at one point wanted to ban certain points of conversation (at least she said that to me… I guess it’s a potential scenario but still I’m not going to disclose previous conversations, she knows that.

OP posts:
Original poster
Clydethecaterpillar · 06/01/2023 19:31

Mummadeze · 06/01/2023 19:19

I feel sad on your behalf. I would be delighted if my friend started to work at my work and would enjoy going to lunch with them regularly. My housemate got a job under her own steam at the company I worked for once in a different department and we only saw each other on the way to work and on the way home.

I’d feel the same too!

OP posts:
Barnowl25 · 06/01/2023 19:33

She's either
A) having an,affair
B) reinvented herself at work
C) not as senior as she makes out

Congrats on the job.

Jimboscott0115 · 06/01/2023 19:34

Clydethecaterpillar · 06/01/2023 19:22

Maybe, maybe she’s not well liked by certain areas, I don’t know, she’s a people manager and doesn’t speak too highly of those she manages and at one point wanted to ban certain points of conversation (at least she said that to me… I guess it’s a potential scenario but still I’m not going to disclose previous conversations, she knows that.

Show quote history

I would venture her concerns are more the other way around - that your hear all about her. I doubt she'd worry you'd disclose her chats to you as a friend but experience tells me people like this are likely to be the asshole and her cooling off on you working in the same large organisation suggests to me that's the case.

Atethehalloweenchocs · 06/01/2023 19:35

She may be worried that at some point she has to be in a management role in connection to you - which can be very difficult. Where I work our senior managers have a lot of personal friendships with staff and it does make things very messy when there are problems. When I was in a management role I kept a distance from others - I wonder if that is what she means by integrity? Being in management or a senior role can be very isolating - I was happy to step down from being a manager due to it.

Original poster
Clydethecaterpillar · 06/01/2023 19:39

Atethehalloweenchocs · 06/01/2023 19:35

She may be worried that at some point she has to be in a management role in connection to you - which can be very difficult. Where I work our senior managers have a lot of personal friendships with staff and it does make things very messy when there are problems. When I was in a management role I kept a distance from others - I wonder if that is what she means by integrity? Being in management or a senior role can be very isolating - I was happy to step down from being a manager due to it.

There’s no way that she’d ever be managing me though. I’ll have a few direct reports too, so we both will have direct reports, admittedly she’ll have more

OP posts:
PurpleButterflyWings · 06/01/2023 19:47

Makes you wonder what she is trying to hide tbh. Wink If you are in different departments altogether, and working remotely most of the time, it makes no sense why she has an issue with it.

My friend lives (almost) opposite a woman who runs her own business - her house is a B & B. She was chatting to my friend and her husband about how she needed an assistant to help, as she was struggling. 'Just 22 hours a week or so....'

My friend's DH said 'I'll do it, that's the job for me, working in a B & B!' The woman said nothing and just went 'er ha ha, yeah, er...' and went home. Friend's DH was banging on about it all afternoon, about how convenient it is, how 22 hours a week would 'just do him,' etc etc, and how he was going to speak to the woman across the road about it. Friend said no fucking way. WAY too familiar. Husband working for the woman opposite. 'You apply for that - and get it, and I'll divorce you' she said.

YOUR situation is not too familiar. Apply anyway. Then ditch this so-called friend.

Wonnle · 06/01/2023 19:55

PurpleButterflyWings · 06/01/2023 19:47

Makes you wonder what she is trying to hide tbh. Wink If you are in different departments altogether, and working remotely most of the time, it makes no sense why she has an issue with it.

My friend lives (almost) opposite a woman who runs her own business - her house is a B & B. She was chatting to my friend and her husband about how she needed an assistant to help, as she was struggling. 'Just 22 hours a week or so....'

My friend's DH said 'I'll do it, that's the job for me, working in a B & B!' The woman said nothing and just went 'er ha ha, yeah, er...' and went home. Friend's DH was banging on about it all afternoon, about how convenient it is, how 22 hours a week would 'just do him,' etc etc, and how he was going to speak to the woman across the road about it. Friend said no fucking way. WAY too familiar. Husband working for the woman opposite. 'You apply for that - and get it, and I'll divorce you' she said.

YOUR situation is not too familiar. Apply anyway. Then ditch this so-called friend.

Apply anyway ?

Does anyone read the start of these threads ?

She's got the bloody job and is already working there !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

GreenFingersWouldBeHandy · 06/01/2023 19:57

She is not your friend.

Take the join and don't even block her. Let her fall on her own sword.

GreenFingersWouldBeHandy · 06/01/2023 19:58

Take the job! Sorry for typo.

billy1966 · 06/01/2023 20:38

I think it is now indeed more likely she isn't that well regarded from the way she speaks of others, and feels uncomfortable at the thought of what you may hear so is being proactive in backing away from you.

She sounds like a twat and its likely you are going to hear just that.

You may be happy that you don't have to reference your friendship with her.

I would be wary of someone new who mentioned they were friends with a twat.

See this as a gift!

Atethehalloweenchocs · 06/01/2023 20:55

There’s no way that she’d ever be managing me though. I’ll have a few direct reports too, so we both will have direct reports, admittedly she’ll have more

she might not be your direct manager, but that does not mean that at some point she wont be involved in a situation where she has authority, power or influence over something that concerns you. I have been in a situation like that and my friend (more senior) and I both reflected that in her quest to not be seen as biased, it probably disadvantaged me.

Judgyjudgy · 06/01/2023 20:55

She is strange given she never said anything earlier and the fact you won't even be working with her. Don't worry about it.

Original poster
Clydethecaterpillar · 06/01/2023 20:57

Atethehalloweenchocs · 06/01/2023 20:55

There’s no way that she’d ever be managing me though. I’ll have a few direct reports too, so we both will have direct reports, admittedly she’ll have more

she might not be your direct manager, but that does not mean that at some point she wont be involved in a situation where she has authority, power or influence over something that concerns you. I have been in a situation like that and my friend (more senior) and I both reflected that in her quest to not be seen as biased, it probably disadvantaged me.

It does, as it’s two separate business areas, so it would be very very unlikely and either way she’d have known about this when I applied and she said nothing. It’s honestly very very strange and I can’t help but think we can’t have really been friends in the first place

OP posts:
GertrudePerkinsPaperyThing · 06/01/2023 21:02

She sounds ridiculous