To think she should have to explain lack of contact?

[Mumto267]

I’ve been with someone for a couple of months now so still early days. She admits that she’s not a very sociable person and that she finds speaking to someone all the time overwhelming at times, but she has days where I just don’t hear from her at all.

AIBU to think she should explain herself on those days rather than just leaving me to wait until the next message will ping through?

"Explain herself"??! Er... no, she's already "explained" herself by telling you that she's "not a very sociable person and that she finds speaking to someone all the time overwhelming"!

Why on earth? Even if she didn't mention how she feels normally I am not in contact all the time with people, even at the start of something

She does not have to explain a thing

She is not your emotional support animal.

You must have a very empty life if you expect immediate, constant, all day long contact.

She sounds like an introvert who doesn't always want to talk

Instead of demanding she changes her behaviour you would be better deciding whether you can live with it or it it's a deal breaker as this sounds like something fundamental she would struggle to change because it's part of her personality

I notice you also use the phrase 'speaking to someone all the time'. If she replies do you then message a lot?

I normally reply to all messages except one friend. I only reply to him if I am up to it as one message from me will end up with 40+ from him and its exhausting.

Finally you want her to 'explain herself' on the days she is not up to contact. She has already explained why it happens, what are you actually expecting her to explain beyond the explanation she has already give you?

I think actions speak louder than words and I read this as her clearly not wanting every day contact with you.

But I guess you get that and your larger question is really what does that mean as far as where you stand with her.

Even her saying she likes solititude may be true or it may be a nice way of just getting you to back off.

I think that in such early days (2 months) there will just be a whole lot of unknowns regardless of how someone acts toward you at that point. Will this be a very longterm thing or is it already fading out? Who can say.

Which is maddening to be sure but I would definitely stop contacting her more than she contacts you. I think it tends to come across as clingy or demanding, which tends to be very off-putting. In other words, even if she does see you as a long term prospect at this point, I think that kind of behavior can easily make her change her mind.

It could also be that you're just not a good fit for the longterm because you only want someone who is 100% in with no guesswork. So that's something to think about too, if SHE is a good fit for YOU. Good luck.

Come on now, you can’t be serious.

Nor is she your entertainment.

Couple of months in? She should dump you and run. Red flags all over you with this, tbh.

She probably has other girls

You sound needy.

Personally I'd find you exhausting; perhaps it's the same for her?

She has explained herself. Even if she hadn't, she's not obliged to contact you every day.

She isn't I to you. Chatting to other people so you are all on ltd /rashioned time

I meant to say into. This app should have an edit button by now.

I'm on the fence here, I don't think she should have to explain at the time but I do think it's courtesy to maybe at the next time you speak something about feeling overwhelmed and needing a day to herself. I didn't talk to my now hb when we were dating everyday but that's just how we were and it worked for both of us.
I do think however that if you need that interraction everyday even if it's just a hello then you need to reconsider if it is worth perusing as you seem a little incompatible,

You're taking the piss mate.

Hi @Mumto267 i totally hear you, she shouldn't get into a relationship if she's not willing to keep some contact, let's just be friends then 🤷‍♀️

My typing is awful- sorry I'm bf twins

It sounds very casual and she’s already said she finds speaking all the time too much. So why would you expect her to explain more about why she’s not in contact every single day. How suffocating.

I find it terrifying that men like you exist

I think the OP is a woman.

Oh gawd, if I met someone like you I’d think “desperate, needy, pathetic” and have to break things off, nobody fancies a victim (except complete wronguns). You need to find some self-esteem, be happy with yourself, not need validation from someone else. If you need constant contact and reassurance, it’s probably best not to fall for people who are more self-contained and aloof.

My typing is awful- sorry I'm bf twins

This is a very good excuse. In fact heroic to type anything at all! 💪

Maybe she's autistic? Why don't you listen, instead of clearly demonstrating that you have no empathy for her specific needs?

She has already pre-explained! Imagine having to "explain yourself" every day, to someone who feels you have no right to a quiet life on your own terms, because they are in some sort of relationship with you.

When your social battery has drained, it can take some really good alone time to recharge it. If she's been interacting a lot at work during the day, maybe she doesn't have it in her to do quality conversation with you. When my DH works away from home, we don't communicate every day, often I'm just too exhausted. But you know, if you want some form of communication every day (even just a text message) then tell her...or you text her. But respect her boundaries, if she doesn't want a 2 hour text fest, don't force it.

OP two months, she has even explained to you (shouldn't have to - what prompted that? Were you making her feel awkward about not being permanently available to talk?? This was probably a very strong hint to stop being so needy) and yet you still have an issue with this?

It's just too much. Even much further down the line and in a relationship if someone expected me to always reply to them even if I wanted downtime, or "explain myself" for not doing so, it'd be over.