To think she should have to explain lack of contact?

[Mumto267]

I’ve been with someone for a couple of months now so still early days. She admits that she’s not a very sociable person and that she finds speaking to someone all the time overwhelming at times, but she has days where I just don’t hear from her at all.

AIBU to think she should explain herself on those days rather than just leaving me to wait until the next message will ping through?

My adult DD is autistic and needs to take breaks from contact, so are a lot of her friendship group. They give a courtesy message to say that they won't be in touch for a couple of days, or sometimes just that day. If that's all that you want I don't think that you are being unreasonable, as long as you aren't messaging loads back, jumping on getting that message. Your relationship is going to stay 'early days' unless there's a level of communication and you need enough to know if it's worth pursuing. You can ask for what you need, it might be that both your aren't compatible, but you certainly shouldn't settle.

I think you need to accept this is how she is. It's perfectly okay for you to say that this isn't working for you as you need more contact - in which case it's better to finish the relationship now, as otherwise this is likely to remain a problem.

It sounds like she has explained it. She doesn't want to be in constant contact. Unless she's left you waiting from a message that requires an actual response (e.g. Shall we go out Friday or Saturday, I need to book a babysitter) then you'll just need to accept this is what's on offer in the relationship.

It might be you're not compatible if you want more communication than she's prepared to give. In this case neither of you are unreasonable.

Explain herself? Who are you, her mother?

What was it about the name Mumto267 that made you think OP was male?

Wow , explain herself ? Are you her boss?

Explain in what way? Do you mean a quick message to say I am having a day whereby I need time to myself so hope you’re ok kind of text? I guess the point of it is that she doesn’t want to engage with someone in that time. But I can understand why it’s upsetting for you. I’m a big text person (well what’s app now) and my new bf isn’t. I wondered at first if he just wasn’t really that into me like I feel into him. But when I’m with him he gives me 100% of his attention and he’s said he’s falling in love with me etc, so no reason for me to doubt his feelings. I guess for me I sometimes think, I know you’re busy but 3/4 messages 10pm and later I do struggle with a bit some days. But he’s super busy, dealing with his kids on his own and other stuff going on, aswell as a busy job. So I’m learning to adapt and accept communication in this relationship is different to what I’m used to

You've been seeing someone only a couple of months and want them to explain themselves if they don't speak to you daily? I'd be running. Are you always so needy?

Give her some space.

OP, has it occurred to you that she has a life? Maybe an absorbing job, hobbies, ordinary friends, siblings, other family? You know, healthy stuff. That you aren't her only interest.

Or maybe she just wants some peace.

You sounds needy & controlling.

It's been a couple of months over the most socially draining time of year. YABU.

If this isn't a reverse you really need to back off. She's been clear about her comfortable level of contact, if that doesn't work for you go find an emotional crutch in another person and stop trying to make this person into yours.

She sounds like me 😂.

I think she's an introvert. She doesn't place a lot of emphasis on keeping up with her social life. People text me or email and sometimes I don't reply for days. I don't understand this obsession with returning texts. If you want a faster response, ring me! I might answer!

The OP that are quite concerning. The "explain herself" comment raises the red flag. Even if I weren't an introvert, I'd be concerned about that. It's obvious the OP has different expectations to their Gf. With go at her speed or break it off.

Sorry, typos.

I'm an introvert, and if I am involved with someone, I like daily contact but it's not for everyone. I would never involve myself with someone who wasn't in the same mindset in that respect.

I also wouldn't involve myself with someone who demanded I justify my time if I didn't reply to their liking, because that's controlling and creepy and you'd be told to fuck off.

I don't think you're right for each other.

She has explained her feelings already, she likes her own company and feels pressurised when bombarded. What else is there to say?

I suspect you’re very needy and she likes space so either you find some compromise or look for someone who likes high communication levels

She has explained a "lack" of contact, as you perceive it. She sounds like an introvert- a person who can enjoy, yet is drained by, social contact.
Extroverts gain energy from social contact but introverts find it tiring and they need quiet time/time alone/ time without social contact in order to recharge.

I meant it in a way like if she needs a day or a few days to herself to drop me a message stating that, because of previous relationships, when I don’t hear from her for a day or so I panic and think she is annoyed with me or I’ve done something wrong, so if she tells me then I know it’s just one of those times she feels overwhelmed rather than something else going on in the background - especially if she is coming online throughout the day but not replying to my messages - I just think it’s a bit uncalled for 🤷‍♀️

I think you are incompatable c/- your vastly different styles and your pronounced need for contact and reassurance.

Your anxiety, born of past relationships, is not hers to manage. It's kind of manipulative to expect her to do so.

@thewinterwitch realistically if you were dating someone and they kept randomly disappearing for days and not replying to your messages would you really think that was okay and not be annoyed or upset by that? I don’t think it’s too much to ask for a bit more communication when she does need time to herself to keep me in the loop

I think you need to calm right down. You’ve only been speaking a couple of months, there shouldn’t be any expectation of contact every day. I would say if she wants a few days to herself, it might be nice to let you know, but suggesting she needs to explain herself to you sounds controlling frankly. I would run a mile from someone who felt entitled to my attention and time after just a couple of months, sorry.

Is this a wind-up thread?

@SleeplessInEngland no it’s not? I just feel like I’ve already told her how it makes me feel when she does that and I need to consider her feelings when she needs time to herself but there’s no consideration of mine when I say can you just let me know that’s what’s happening sort of thing, I actually find it a little bit disrespectful

Oh, I dated someone like that (compulsive gambler). It is crazymaking. But she has pre-warned you (or perhaps defended herself to you) that she is like this. Unless you truly think she is living some sort of secret double-life, it is unreasonable to expect her to provide you with daily updates at this early stage of the relationship. It would feel suffocating to her, I imagine, to have to do this.

If she has told you that she will go quiet sometimes them instead of jumping to the conclusion that she is annoyed with you etc take her at her word.

Assume she is a human adult who is capable of telling you her feelings (as she already has done) and will tell you if she is annoyed, instead of infantalising her by projecting emotions and intentions onto her actions.

Ultimately though you sound incompatible. She cannot provide the level of communication and therefore reassurance you need. And you need a way of feeling secure that doesn't rely on her having to text you constantly.