To think she should have to explain lack of contact?

[Mumto267]

I’ve been with someone for a couple of months now so still early days. She admits that she’s not a very sociable person and that she finds speaking to someone all the time overwhelming at times, but she has days where I just don’t hear from her at all.

AIBU to think she should explain herself on those days rather than just leaving me to wait until the next message will ping through?

The difference is, you’re expecting her to manage your irrational insecurity. That’s down to you to fix, not her. She’s already told you why she needs time out sometimes.

But what actually do you need to know? Is there plans she needs to tell you about? She is going scuba diving and you want to she is safe?

Or do you really need a daily 'I am still here' text?

What do you actually want her to say?

I think you would have had a more favourable reaction here, and maybe in responses from your gf, if you talked about this in terms of ‘I feel a bit lost’ ‘I miss being in contact’, ‘sometimes I can’t help worrying’.

This comes across very differently from “she should explain herself” and “I just think it’s a bit uncalled for” . You are not her manager at work. Your approach sounds critical and demanding.

It's already been explained? You explained it in your post.

If that doesn't work for you then end the relationship.

@DreamingOfAGreenChristmas of course I enjoy speaking to her, I’m a very sociable person so I would love to speak to her all the time but obviously even I know that isn’t possible because of our other commitments etc

no, however, if i had someone constantly messaging me and stalking me to check if I was online or not they would be dumped quick sharp.

I find it terrifying that ornithologists in their late 60s from the Blackburn area who worked in Kwik Save back in the 1990s like you make unsubstantiated assumptions about other posters.

@OP your feelings are valid but maybe it's a sign the two of you are not compatible. When she's happy to talk just gently explain how the periods of non-contact make you feel. Don't blame her, accept that she might need them, but explain it doesn't work for you. Either you can reach a compromise or you can't. If you can't then maybe this relationship isn't right. Neither partner has to be in the wrong for a relationship not to work.

I think the problem here is that for you a quick message is no effort at all and since a lack of message creates so much anxiety it seems like a no brainer for her to tap something out quickly.

The thing is for some people even a bit of communication is emotional work. They need to recharge and have a break from people (even people they care about) so thinking what to say to you, even if it's just a cursery message interrupts her time alone and requires a reasonable amount of emotional effort. It feels like a demand and turns it into a chore and something to be avoided even more. From her perspective since she's explained this to you you should know she's not annoyed and be able to wait.

The only solution is to talk to her and see if there's a way to make it easier for both of you. Perhaps she could text preemptively to say she's going to be out of contact a day or two. Or you could have a quick call every few days at a time that's easier for her rather than constant messaging. You need to approach it collaboratively though. If you make out that she should be in constant contact she'll probabl run for the hills.

You’re just not compatible. Sometimes that’s the case even when we really like and care for the other person. It sucks but that’s life.

It’s not unreasonable for you to want daily communication in a relationship. It’s not unreasonable for her to want a relationship that’s less intense and not such a huge part of her life. You have no right to demand that she “explain herself” or give you some kind of timetable for contact (not sure how else she could really appease you here). Likewise she can’t expect you to turn yourself into the kind of person who enjoys a relationship where communication is sporadic and inconsistent. You can’t change each other’s personalities and it doesn’t look like you share the same vision for what kind of relationship you want or where it fits into your lives.

The very thought that someone is waiting for my message to ping through and I am obliged to duty text them every day or they feel “left” makes me feel suffocated.

not getting the contact you need is making you feel disrespected.

she’s suffocating, you are disrespected and anxious. Neither of you a hugely unreasonable but you are definitely incompatible.

I appreciate you were replying to thewinterwitch and not me, but I’ve been there. And I accepted that if I wanted to carry on dating him then I had to accept that that was the level of contact that he was happy with, and that if I didn’t like it, I was free to go off and date someone who was more extroverted.

Explain herself? Are you serious? Do you understand how controlling that sounds? She’s told you that if you don’t hear from her, it’s because she feels too overwhelmed to talk. So you want her to message you and tell you again that she’s too overwhelmed to message you? If she were my friend I’d be advising her to knock you on the head and find someone who isn’t so needy. These are your insecurities to deal with, not hers.

AIBU to think she should explain herself on those days rather than just leaving me to wait until the next message will ping through?

Yes, you should definitely tell her that she needs to fully account for any time she spends outside of your supervision.

That should tip her a big enough wink to ditch you & your controlling ways.

You think it's reasonable & proportionate to demand daily communication - explanation, even! - from somebody you have only known for 2 months?

Jeeze. Other humans are not put on earth to service your neediness.

You what now?

It's perfectly normal to be able to endure 24 hours without contact with another person you have only just met. Millions of NT humans manage to do just that. Some of us even enjoy it ...

She's not responsible for your previous relationships.
She's not obliged to stay off all social media on days she's not in contact with you.
She has already explained herself.
You have known her for 2 months. Stop looking to your very new g/f to assuage your insecurity, & get it dealt with by a therapist.

In 2 months, how many times have you even met each other?

Apart from "see you at 8pm Thursday, really looking forward to it" - what additional comms do you actually need outside of your actual dates?

You are going to back this woman into a corner by pushing her too hard & too fast.

She doesn't randomly disappear for crying out loud.

In the time between the few dates you have had in 8 weeks, she is leading her life. Just as she did before she met you. What part of this is a brand new relationship are you struggling with? Why are you demanding so much contact from this woman?

It's disrespectful to not make herself constantly available to you?

For someone who is trying to convince PP that you are just insecure due to previous relationships, you are coming over as extraordinarily arrogant & entitled.

Absolutely this. You're expecting way too much of her.

Maybe she's using the time to train for running away from all the red flags.

she has days where I just don’t hear from her at all.

Perfectly normal after such as short period. Even after I'd been with my (now) wife a couple of years we weren't in contact every single day. You need to adjust your expectations or find someone who desires the intense contact you want.

So imagine you have a partner and she normally drives to meet you

She tells you she only has a car 3 days a week and so the other 4 she won't be able to drive and meet you

And you are saying that she should drive over on the days she doesn't have the car, to confirm she won't have the car because she needs to take your feelings into consideration because you worry when she doesn't drive over to you.

You want her to drive over, but she physically can't because she doesn't have the car at that point in time.

It's the same as

You want her to text you, but she physically can't because she doesn't have mental/emotional capacity at that point in time

I appreciate my analogy isn't perfect!

You sound incompatible.

You get anxious when someone isn’t communicating; she gets anxious when there’s too great an expectation of communication.

Or she’s not that into you.

Either way it doesn’t sound like she’s the one, OP.

Maybe she has other things to do and other people in her life, just like she did two months ago.

@Mumto267 you posted in AIBU

Almost everyone has said yes you are being unreasonable and you are still not convinced. If you are so sure you are right why did you post ? Honest question...

She doesn't owe you her emotional headspace. You need to sort out your issues from previous relationships via therapy etc and stop expecting her to manage them by changing her needs and behaviours.