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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Am I being too much???

72 replies

thegreatesty · 05/01/2023 18:08

I have a 6 month old DC.
DP and I haven't been out together without baby.
We have decided to go out and MIL will have baby for the first time.
I'm already anxious being away from the baby.

MIL has now messaged to say she's invited family round to meet the baby on that day.
I feel uneasy about it. It will be the first time away from the baby.
And DC hasn't met the other family members before.

Am I being a pain in the arse saying I'm not happy for this to happen?

OP posts:
FromTheFront2theBack · 05/01/2023 18:12

Is there any rational reason for you to not want family around OP? (I know anxiety isn't rational but if they're all likely to be drinking and smoking or something it would be a totally legitamate concern). If it's just a few responsible people popping round and be inclined to try and overcome my anxiety. If you feel like it will be too difficult to manage your anxiety I'd just let MiL know how you're feeling. Say you're really struggling being away from the baby for the first time and you know it's just your anxiety but you'd prefer it was just her and the baby for the first time. That way she won't feel critisized and is more likely to just be understanding.

redskydelight · 05/01/2023 18:13

Yes.
You can't tell your MIL what she can or can't do in her own house. And she's allowed to have friends round. You could reasonably specify (for example) that none of them hold the baby, but you can't really object to looking at and gooing at.

Original poster
thegreatesty · 05/01/2023 18:15

@FromTheFront2theBack
They wouldn't be smoking or drinking or anything. I know she's excited for friends and family to meet the baby. My anxiety really is if people are passing the baby around and she gets upset and we're not there. When we are with people and they hold her, she always looks around to see if we are there.
Plus it's the first time MIL and FIL having her on their own.

OP posts:
Original poster
thegreatesty · 05/01/2023 18:15

@redskydelight
She said she's invited them specifically to come and see the baby so they would all want a hold i imagine.

OP posts:
RunningFromInsanity · 05/01/2023 18:17

I don’t think it’s unreasonable to voice your concerns that having lots of new people around on her first time away from you might not be a good idea incase it unsettles her.

Michellebops · 05/01/2023 18:19

At least she's told you in advance and not just invited them without mentioning.
I wouldn't be too concerned. Your mil will be there to soothe baby if she becomes overwhelmed.

Go and enjoy your time away, it's good for you and your baby.

The anxiety will be there, I get anxious still too and my daughter is 7

Original poster
thegreatesty · 05/01/2023 18:20

@RunningFromInsanity
Yes, I think I'll have to let them know. I already feel anxious about leaving her. DP isn't keen on visitors coming either really when we are not there and it's the first time.

OP posts:
pictoosh · 05/01/2023 18:21

Yes you are. Plenty on here will tell you you're not...but in the real world with actual people, you are being a pain in the arse.

TidyDancer · 05/01/2023 18:22

How many visitors and who are they to you/MIL/FIL? Do you trust MIL/FIL or are there any hesitations there?

ProceedWithOptimism · 05/01/2023 18:23

redskydelight · 05/01/2023 18:13

Yes.
You can't tell your MIL what she can or can't do in her own house. And she's allowed to have friends round. You could reasonably specify (for example) that none of them hold the baby, but you can't really object to looking at and gooing at.

It wouldn't be reasonable really to specify that family members don't hold the baby. It would be deeply weird.

redskydelight · 05/01/2023 18:26

ProceedWithOptimism · 05/01/2023 18:23

It wouldn't be reasonable really to specify that family members don't hold the baby. It would be deeply weird.

Show quote history

I agree it would be weird, but a lot less weird than refusing to let them see the baby at all if the OP is really uncomfortable. You can make some sort of excuse that she doesn't respond well to being passed round.

Getinajollymood · 05/01/2023 18:29

I think if you’re that uncomfortable, it isn’t the right time to leave her. It was worded very bluntly but I do broadly agree with @pictoosh , to be honest.

Edinburghmusing · 05/01/2023 18:30

I wouldn’t like my baby passed around as a show and tell. Potentially distressing for the baby.

it would be a no from me.

Meggymoo777 · 05/01/2023 18:30

Honestly I'd feel the same 🙈 and I know it's slightly unreasonable but you've asked and trusted your MIL to look after baby on your first night away and she's invited a bunch of family round to show her off and pass her around. I would hope the focus would be on making sure that baby is settled on first night away from home and not on showing her off and potentially unsettling her. I'd probably not say it to my MIL, but I'd cancel my plans. (Disclaimer: I know it's unreasonable and prepared to be flamed)

Letthekidsplay · 05/01/2023 18:32

I don’t think it’s unreasonable to not want your baby treated like a toy to show off, they should be focusing on her and her well being and treating her like a person.

SwingandaPrayer · 05/01/2023 18:32

They'll soon find out if baby doesn't like it if others hold her and I imagine MIL will step in and soothe her. Wouldn't be an issue for me if I trusted my MIL.

Dreamwhisper · 05/01/2023 18:34

I wouldn't be happy with this either, 6 months, first time being looked after by someone else without mum and dad there at all is not the day to have a bunch of people who are strangers to your baby around.

Only thing to bear in mind is the possibility of your MIL feeling nervous about looking after baby alone.

ProceedWithOptimism · 05/01/2023 18:34

Edinburghmusing · 05/01/2023 18:30

I wouldn’t like my baby passed around as a show and tell. Potentially distressing for the baby.

it would be a no from me.

How is family visiting 'show and tell'. Families interacting and being together is normal.

Edinburghmusing · 05/01/2023 18:37

@ProceedWithOptimism its a group of people coming around to specifically to see the baby - who will be apart from her primary caregivers for the first time

i mean I don’t think the baby is going to suffer long term trauma. But the baby will probably feel worried. So I would say no.

Y7drama · 05/01/2023 18:38

pictoosh · 05/01/2023 18:21

Yes you are. Plenty on here will tell you you're not...but in the real world with actual people, you are being a pain in the arse.

Yes I think this really

ProceedWithOptimism · 05/01/2023 18:39

Well, we're all different aren't we. I think the OP is probably not ready to leave her baby, which is her decision.

I think it's weird to overthink a baby being around family; plenty of babies thrive on being the centre of attention. The child might even enjoy it. And the grandparents, who presumably brought the husband up just fine, are capable of dealing with the situation.

Eastereggsboxedupready · 05/01/2023 18:40

Why haven't your family met your 6 month old dc?

aSofaNearYou · 05/01/2023 18:40

Hmm I'm usually one to think people are being overzealous but I don't think this was very good of your MIL. Not necessarily dangerous, but not a great thing to do on your first time leaving baby alone either for you or for the baby. I don't think it's particularly strange for a parent to want to be around when this sort of thing happens.

MrsJBaptiste · 05/01/2023 18:41

pictoosh · 05/01/2023 18:21

Yes you are. Plenty on here will tell you you're not...but in the real world with actual people, you are being a pain in the arse.

Absolutely this ^

But many on here have still never left their baby who is now 6 years old...

Lavender14 · 05/01/2023 18:42

I think your feelings are normal. We went to a family event recently and I wore baby in a carrier because I know one of the family members who's a really heavy smoker would want a cuddle and I wasn't happy with dc breathing that in off them. Do you know the people that mil is inviting and do you have specific concerns about any of them? I think it's fair to gently warn mil that being passed about might unsettle baby and ask that she keeps an eye on that, but then I would leave it as it will be mils responsibility to settle baby should that happen. You clearly trust mil to be leaving baby with her so hopefully shes the type of person to take that on board? Is baby staying with mil overnight or just for a few hours? I think the first time you leave them will always be really hard and I hate the idea of my dc being passed about like a wee novelty instead of an actual human child so you're just looking out for the best interests of your child. You do deserve a lovely night out with your partner though and lo will be just fine.

@pictoosh what an unpleasant and harsh response. Of course op would be worried about this, most mums are nervous leaving their kid for the first time.

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