Can I ask if anyone has kids 9 years apart, what’s it like?

[adayinparis]

Hi all

Posting here for traffic. Im pregnant after a long battle with secondary infertility. It took us five years to conceive, so this baby is a miracle. 💫 I am very curious to think about what it’s like to have two kids with a 9 year age gap. We have one son who is 8 and baby is a girl.

Im an only child so don’t really know what it’s like to have a sibling. What’s it like to have two kids 9 years apart? Any older boy/younger girl combinations?

We have 10 years between child one and child two and five years between child two and child three!
It's easier in a lot of ways as the older children can entertain themselves rather more, but there were times when the 15 year old, for example wanted homework/emotional help and with a baby and a five year old we weren't always in the best mindset to offer it!
Also, we're coming up to the end of children at home, and it seems to have gone on forever but then, I am sad at thought of it already!

I’d like to give the perspective of the older child with a sibling who was 9 years younger.

It was really rubbish BUT that was because of some really poor parenting choices by my mother.

My younger sister was allowed to absolutely destroy my stuff and if I got upset I was told I needed to share, I was jealous, didn’t like having a sibling etc.

I was always told that as I’m the oldest it was my responsibility to get on with her which is hard when your pictures are torn up and walls are drawn on when you’re 10.

I remember very vividly feeling very pushed out - I’d talk to my mum about school and my younger sister (5 or 6 by now) would interrupt and my mum always deferred to her so I just felt very very lonely and unheard.

If she had been more sensible about nurturing our relationship it may have been very different - I was very unhappy for my later childhood.

My boys have 5 years between them and I’m very careful not to do the same and they have a great relationship (although they’re autistic so it’s a different vibe).

You can make it lovely for them OP - congratulations.

It will be different every time, won't it?

I was 9 when my brother was born - I'm now 64 and he's 55. We are very close and always have been because I did some of the raising of him (partly because Mum was ill in hospital for prolonged periods of time from when I was 15).

When I went to university, he was quite traumatised, however.

I am very close to him, his wife and both daughters. We have another brother who is 3 years older than me and we don;t get on with him at all!

I have you her siblings who are 10 years and 12 years younger than me.

Growing up, we had more of a parent/child relationship - still great as I would babysit them and do fun stuff with them when I was a teenager and lived at home and when I left they would come for sleepovers at my flat.

Now they are in their 20s, we are just really great friends and they are fantastic with my children (they were teens when my kids were born) and the best babysitters (getting my own back!).

It’s been a joy watching them grow into adults and I love our relationship.

(I have 2 other siblings who are much closer in age to me and we have a different relationship as we ‘grew up together - no better or worse, just different).

I’m 9 years older than my youngest sister, though there are two siblings in the middle so multiple dynamics going on around our one-to-one relationship. The gap has shrunk and grown at different stages - 11 and 20 was huge - but we’ve always been close and made each other laugh even though we have very different perspectives on a lot of things. We’re now 40 and 31 and have very different lives but are hugely important to each other. And I loved it when she was little; she was so ridiculously cute and my friends all doted on her.

Congratulations! I hope it all goes smoothly for you.

I've got one age 27 one age 18 and one age 8 🤣
They get along great because they are all at different stages in life and have nothing in common 🤷‍♀️.

I have a ten year gap between my children (DD firstborn then DS). DD loved it for the first few years then found him really irritating. He’s 10 now and she’s so protective over him and finds him hilarious. She doesn’t often babysit him but she has occasionally picked him up from school when I’ve been stuck. He worships her now and they have a really sweet relationship. It often feels like I’m bringing up two only children though; they are just at such different stages of their life with such different needs. I also find it exhausting, he’s physically tiring and she’s emotionally. When I get him into bed and think I can switch off I have to deal with DD’s issues. It’s hard but it’s still a beautiful, overall happy family.

This is the exact age gap I have with mine. I really worried about it but it's fine. Only thi g is trying to find an actvity that suited both. But they are now 8 and 17. Ds 17 still enjoys a beach day, going out for food with us etc. When he was up to about 14 he'd still come to the cinema for a disney film😂. They are close but still argue like all kids.
One thing I would advise is that you spend a bit of 121 time with ds when baby gets here. Maybe get grandparents or dh to look after baby and continue to do some of the things you do now.
I love that you get another round of bedtime stories and games just as the eldest one doesn't want to anymore. I've been doing father christmas for 17 years now😍

I’m the youngest in this situation. I think my birth and the attention to me did irreparable damage to my brother

He is depressed. Never worked. Despite being intelligent. He now does a lot of drugs. It’s sad but I think 90% of the cause is due to me being born and the shift in dynamic when he was still young

Not always easy in our family 😁 - Even as they got older. The older ones forget what it was like to be that age and the younger one feels like they’re being parented constantly.

Place marking

I have exactly this combination. Ds is 10 nearly 11 and dd nearly 2. So early days yet but so far mostly lovely! Dd has slotted right in, ds is really understanding of her needs and lovely with her. It’s only tricky if it’s just me and both dc out somewhere (eg farm park or similar) and ds wants to look at stuff/chat etc and dd is in a running off mood and I basically end up giving her all my attention. I think that should get easier as dd gets older and understands more. It helps loads to ensure I have pockets of time just with ds ( we go to the cinema or something) and make sure I spend time with him during dd’s nap times. I don’t regret it all all and ds is really happy to have a sibling even if it’s a big age gap.

My DH and his sister are 10 years apart and they barely know each other. Each situation is different though.

My auntie had girl first, then a boy. There was nearly a 16 year age gap. She hated it and my cousins had nothing in common. For my auntie it was basically like having two only children and not getting her life back until she was in her mid sixties.

Well, you did ask and I appreciate for you the age difference is smaller.

Lived through it youngest is 10 eldest is 19 😀

I'd say it's been fabulous but long winded! I mean if I had 2 late teens I'd be off and away living a dream of independence 🤣.

But i do love having a 10 yr old, it worked out fine.
Eldest was at secondary school with 3 yr old at home going to nursery etc. think it helped keep the eldest grounded and me at home with dinner on the table, calm bed time etc
When eldest was 13/14 he would baby sit and help me out . I think he'll be a great dad when's he older.

My sister and I are 9 years apart and have always been close. More so now as adults

I have that gap between mine. I never enjoyed the baby stage and didn’t want two young children close together. Ds is 10 now and dd 19 and they get along brilliantly. No jealousy. No fighting. Just lots of laughing together and dd can do the odd bit of babysitting! The only thing is that as dd is getting older and going to university etc (she’s in second year) Ds is really sad and misses her so much, he cries when she goes back!

8 years difference here too between my boys. My oldest is now almost 10 and my toddler is 1 and a half years old. They love each other so much! My oldest helps me by playing with him when I need to do something and absolutely loves the way his brother is always happy when they play together. My maternity leave was amazing too, I would drop the oldest one at school and have the morning to do things with my baby. For us has worked amazing.
on the other hand, my oldest gets bored when we all go out as a family to do things the baby can do since he finds them boring.
I feel like I was able to enjoy them both while babies. Some of my friends who have kids close in age are always struggling while we are just having an easier time

I have 12 yrs between Dc 1 & Dc 3, 14yrs between Dc1 & Dc4, 9yrs between Dc2 &DC 4 - There will be almost 20yrs between Dc 1 &Dc 5 , 15yrs between Dc 2 & Dc 5 & 8yrs between Dc 3&Dc 5!!
Ive found all the ages between them great tbh- They are now 19,15,7,5 & baby due march. Eldest is a girl, then 2 boys, youngest 2 are girls. They all really do get on great

I was the younger one in that situation.

She would play with me/take me to the park sometimes (this was donkey's years ago). She'd boss me about as though she was my mum!

Different education as I went to a grammar and she went to the Sec Mod.

We argued a lot but we got on as adults. I was closer to her children when they became adults.

But really I mostly felt like an only child.

It's lovely. My girls are 9.5 years apart, now 13 and 4 and so so close and really adore each other. Wouldn't change it for the world

My Godchildren have this age gap. What I would say is be careful, don’t spoil the longed for second child. Don’t have different rules compared to the first child. Expectations of behaviour should be the same.
I love my Godchildren dearly, but their parents have definitely not done the sibling relationship many favours by allowing the desperately longed for second dc to rule the roost.

Hi OP, our DC3 is now 3 months old and our older DC's are 7 and 9. We worried about the age gap especially as the older two are close in age but they are wonderful big brother / sister and the bond they have with DC3 is absolutely beautiful. I wonder now why we were ever worried.

I have four - 13, 11, 4, 1. I also had secondary infertility- the gap between 2 and 3 was not meant to be so big!

anyway, the 13 and 4 yr old get on brilliantly. The 13 yr old is old enough that the 4 yr old has always seen her as an adult. They play together but also big sis does bedtime or can supervise bath, get her dressed etc.

it can be tricky finding things the whole family can do but we try to have quality time with the older kids when the wee ones are in bed.

congratulations!

I had a similar situation to you. Eldest DD is 14 and youngest DD is 4. In my personal opinion, it felt like I had an only child each time as when youngest DD came my eldest was in school and ì was home with the little one. For me it worked brilliantly because I felt I gave each of them the time they needed as they grew up without fightingfor my attention. Another good thing is that because they are in different stages in life there are not arguments about toys or sharing 😁

The only downside is that it is difficult to plan days out for both girls given the age gap, but as oldest one is a teenager she likes staying in the house if we go to the playground or for a walk but she will happily come tonthe farm or the zoo and she really enjoys it.

I think it has good things and bad things but as it would be regardless of the age gap.

Enjoy it. It is priceless to be able to have another child when you have already convinced yourself that it would never happen 😊