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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To leave this WhatsApp group?

69 replies

whatsappgroup · 05/01/2023 11:11

It's my family one. Consisting of my parent, step parent and two siblings. Just the five of us. Anytime I post anything it's mostly ignored, except for one sibling. That sibling has their hands full with 3 very small children but always manages to reply (sometimes I just message them one to one as seems pointless in the group chat). Thing is, these people are my only family. There is no one else. I'm struggling at the moment and in need of some support and there's only one sibling who ever seems to notice and engage with the conversation. I live miles from them all so rarely see them in person (every few months on average and only when I make the effort to travel to them).

What's the point? Would you just not bother anymore? Makes me feel like shit every time I reach out to so called family and it's only one person every time who responds.

OP posts:

Comedycook · 05/01/2023 11:12

What are they like in person?

Vallmo47 · 05/01/2023 11:14

I would stay in the group but keep conversations to a minimal and reach out to the one who bothers privately.
Family can be so shit OP, blood isn’t thicker than water, just bother with those who do you.

Original poster

whatsappgroup · 05/01/2023 11:15

Parent is a little disengaged and dismissive.
Step parent is self absorbed and can occasionally show empathy but it's short lived and doesn't take long before she makes the conversation about her again.
Sibling 1 is warm, lovely, caring, safe and containing - I miss them terribly.
Sibling 2 is disengaged and very focussed on their own life. In person is a little better and good at showing care and interest - but on their own terms and only for a short time.

Not sure if that makes any sense.

OP posts:

Orangepolentacake · 05/01/2023 11:16

I wouldn’t leave it only because it can be perceived as passive aggressive then they may start some sort or argument with you etc - then you lose control of the situation and are put in a position of expending energy on something that wouldn’t really be productive.

how is the chat usually? Do they chat to each other, is it your stuff only that doesn’t get responses?

nurture and focus on the relationship with the sibling who shows they care. That is the most positive thing you can do in this situation

Original poster

whatsappgroup · 05/01/2023 11:16

Parent and step parent are also quite judgemental of my life.

OP posts:

Mummieslncorporated · 05/01/2023 11:17

What's the group like generally with engagement? Do they respond to others? Do you respond to them?

AlisonDonut · 05/01/2023 11:18

Just delete Whatsapp and call them instead?

Original poster

whatsappgroup · 05/01/2023 11:19

@Orangepolentacake

Very little general chat on the group to be honest.

Sibling 1 (caring one) often posts pics or videos of her kids being cute and everyone responds with heart emojis for example.

Sibling 2 hardly ever comments or initiates conversation.

I post pics / videos of my toddler and they respond with "aww" and hearts etc.

Parent / step parent don't really initiate conversation on there, just respond to vids/ pics of the kids.

Basically it's not a space for emotional support, is what I'm realising. I only have sibling 1 for that.

I just feel really alone and going through a bad time currently and if I can't turn to family where can I turn? 😞

OP posts:

Snoopystick · 05/01/2023 11:20

It sounds like a typical WhatsApp group to me. Anything really personal is done one on one.

Phos · 05/01/2023 11:21

I left a family WhatsApp (actually it was my husbands family) when I got fed up of the whole thing revolving around his brother.

If a WhatsApp makes you feel bad then you have no reason to stay in it. It's not meant to feel like that.

Original poster

whatsappgroup · 05/01/2023 11:22

That's fair enough. It's only a small group of my closest family so I'd have thought I could say I'm struggling and reach out and get a response but clearly not. I need to stop expecting it from them and just focus on my relationship with sibling 1.

OP posts:

Original poster

whatsappgroup · 05/01/2023 11:24

AlisonDonut · 05/01/2023 11:18

Just delete Whatsapp and call them instead?

I don't want to take up anyone's time, we are all busy. Hence why I just message so people can reply as and when it's convenient- that's what I do on chat groups. If someone called me and I was busy juggling my work and my toddler for example I'd struggle to give them that time there and then. I try to remember this and just use messages instead but then they all read them and only one person responds. Sometimes days pass and no one else has commented. Not a great feeling.

OP posts:

Original poster

whatsappgroup · 05/01/2023 11:25

This is on top of them never making an effort to visit me (live approx 2.5 hrs drive away). I make the effort to drive to them every couple of months. This is the only reason my toddler has a relationship with her grandparents. If it weren't for me making that effort over the past year she wouldn't know them

OP posts:

poefaced · 05/01/2023 11:26

AlisonDonut · 05/01/2023 11:18

Just delete Whatsapp and call them instead?

I think deleting WhatsApp due to one group chat is extreme…

@OP - it sounds like they’re not actively excluding you but it’s ad they ignored the reaching out for support.

Could you meet parent for lunch instead?

Sceptre86 · 05/01/2023 11:27

If you are struggling then you need to get to the root cause of why, so mental health speak to gp, financial then citizens advice, if you feel lonely then use an app to make local friends or get out and about to meet people.You are maybe expecting too much from parents and a sibling that are disengaged and don't see you very often anyway. What I mean is you are probably looking in the wrong place for support as they don't seem capable of offering you that. Instead I'd speak to your sibling that you are close to and reach out to your friends.

SapphosRock · 05/01/2023 11:32

What do you offer them on WhatsApp? Or do you use it to reach out for help?

We use our family WhatsApp group to share funny pictures and jokes.

Tbh I think I would find it odd if I was expected to give any emotional investment or support to the family via WhatsApp.

I wouldn't expect any care and interest back but I know they do care and are interested.

10HailMarys · 05/01/2023 11:35

Basically it's not a space for emotional support, is what I'm realising.

I wouldn't expect a family WhatsApp group to be a place for emotional support, though? Aren't most family WhatsApp groups usually just about sharing the odd pic of the kids or asking what someone might want for their birthday and stuff like that? I think you're placing an expectation on the group that nobody else has. A lot of people aren't into WhatsApp much at all, and a lot of people who are into it wouldn't necessarily expect emotional support from it. If you're not a close family generally, why would you expect a different vibe from a WhatsApp group?

SapphosRock · 05/01/2023 11:35

Oh just saw your other post. Pictures and videos of the kids with awws and heart emojis sounds very normal.

Reaching out for help or advice is better 121. Also if sibling 1 replies then the rest probably feel the problem has been dealt with.

Original poster

whatsappgroup · 05/01/2023 11:41

@SapphosRock

I offer replies to their messages, as a minimum

OP posts:

BabyOnBoard90 · 05/01/2023 11:44

I left my family GC last month. If its upsetting you, do so.

Or just mute the chat so you're your less concerned with it

Fairyliz · 05/01/2023 11:44

Tbh this sounds like a WhatsApp group set up to mainly share cute children pictures, so grandparents can see them growing; so not really the place for emotional support.

I’m assuming you moved away? I know it’s shit but generally the one who moved away does all of the travelling. DH and I have been together 37 years and in all of that time his parents visited us 5 times and his siblings for the wedding and that’s it!
I would ring and speak one to one with your family and explain you are struggling and ask for help/support.
I know it’s difficult if they appear dismissive, but it is hard to be sympathetic sometimes if you feel people are not doing all they can to help themselves. You see it all the time on MN.
Start with your sister op, think you have at least one supportive person in your life.

unfortunateevents · 05/01/2023 11:55

I don't think a general family WhatsApp group where some people don't engage very much and others are using it for posting pics of their kids etc is really the avenue for you to look for emotional support if you are struggling. If that was our family group, I would expect the person to message me directly or call me. I simply wouldn't have the time to post much more than a brief supportive message on the group, nor do I think that messaging in a group environment is useful - brief messages often come across the wrong way or appear dismissive when they are not meant to be.

Original poster

whatsappgroup · 05/01/2023 11:56

What's getting to me more is I had a face to face conversation with parent and step parent over Christmas in which I commented that sibling 2 was very quiet on the group chat and I hadn't seen them in person for a while, were they ok etc? They replied "they are having a bad time at the moment, struggling a bit, we saw them a few days ago" (they essentially got a reluctant conversation out of sibling who had been isolating themselves).

So they recognise someone is struggling when the don't actively contribute to a group chat, and seek that person out to offer support. Yet when another of their family directly communicates "I'm struggling", they are ignored.

OP posts:

Original poster

whatsappgroup · 05/01/2023 12:00

@unfortunateevents

I get what you're saying. I'm not sure it makes much sense though when you say you wouldn't have time to post a message on a group but you would one to one? What's the difference? (Genuinely asking).

OP posts:

namechange3394 · 05/01/2023 12:07

Snoopystick · 05/01/2023 11:20

It sounds like a typical WhatsApp group to me. Anything really personal is done one on one.

This. Group chats are not the forum for getting support and having deep conversations. Message them individually if that's what you need.

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