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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To leave this WhatsApp group?

69 replies

whatsappgroup · 05/01/2023 11:11

It's my family one. Consisting of my parent, step parent and two siblings. Just the five of us. Anytime I post anything it's mostly ignored, except for one sibling. That sibling has their hands full with 3 very small children but always manages to reply (sometimes I just message them one to one as seems pointless in the group chat). Thing is, these people are my only family. There is no one else. I'm struggling at the moment and in need of some support and there's only one sibling who ever seems to notice and engage with the conversation. I live miles from them all so rarely see them in person (every few months on average and only when I make the effort to travel to them).

What's the point? Would you just not bother anymore? Makes me feel like shit every time I reach out to so called family and it's only one person every time who responds.

OP posts:
poefaced · 05/01/2023 12:11

So they recognise someone is struggling when the don't actively contribute to a group chat, and seek that person out to offer support. Yet when another of their family directly communicates "I'm struggling", they are ignored. Confused

Could it be they were already concerned about and supporting sibling 2 and didn’t have the capacity to support you at the same time?

Is sibling 2 your full, half or step sibling?

Original poster
whatsappgroup · 05/01/2023 12:14

I wouldn't say these are particularly "deep" conversations. Think along the lines of "yikes for x happening today, I'm really nervous!" or "turns out doing x is harder than I realised... starting to take its toll a bit" etc. So not "the meaning of life" type conversations - just me reaching out for support about something happening in my life, and looking for reassuring comments from those who are supposed to care. That's the sort of stuff that's only being responded to by one person. If that makes sense.

OP posts:
Original poster
whatsappgroup · 05/01/2023 12:15

Typo: that should have said "got x happening today"

OP posts:
CaroleFuckingBaskin · 05/01/2023 12:17

Tell them you have won the lottery..then watch...then ignore

ApiratesaysYarrr · 05/01/2023 12:18

In all honesty this sounds much more like you feeling unsupported, than the WA group itself, which sounds quite benign.

Have you explicitly told people you are struggling, rather then waiting for them to notice? I'd focus on getting some local support for yourself (GP, local mental health service, community support groups, charities etc depending on the issue you need support with).

Original poster
whatsappgroup · 05/01/2023 12:19

CaroleFuckingBaskin · 05/01/2023 12:17

Tell them you have won the lottery..then watch...then ignore

🤣

OP posts:
Original poster
whatsappgroup · 05/01/2023 12:22

@CaroleFuckingBaskin

They'd be all over that I can tell you! And the only one I'd be sharing with is sibling 1. 🤭😃

OP posts:
Dontlistitonfacebook · 05/01/2023 12:23

Have you family ever been emotionally supportive to you? İf not, I think it's unlikely that they ever will be.

Have you looked at the Stately homes thread? Can be helpful for this kind of thing.

unfortunateevents · 05/01/2023 12:28

whatsappgroup · 05/01/2023 12:00

@unfortunateevents

I get what you're saying. I'm not sure it makes much sense though when you say you wouldn't have time to post a message on a group but you would one to one? What's the difference? (Genuinely asking).

I wouldn't be messaging them at all, if someone told me they were struggling I would call them - my usual response if someone tells me on text/WhatsApp that they are having a problem is to suggest we talk when we are both free. What's better, half an hour of actual conversation or whatever amount of texting you can fit into that time?

imjusthereforAIBU · 05/01/2023 12:28

My family whatsapp chat is a good one - I'm lucky. But I have group chats with friends where they are much harder and not as supportive. I don't want to leave the groups as I'd be kicking myself out of those social circles and as much as my friends aren't there for me all the time, they are still my friends. But I do mute the chats, turn off read receipts and last seen. Essentially I distance myself from whatsapp in general and can then engage or not as I feel able to.
And yeah, I talk to the people I do care about and who care about me one on one.

Original poster
whatsappgroup · 05/01/2023 12:30

@unfortunateevents

They don't ever offer to call unfortunately.

OP posts:
unfortunateevents · 05/01/2023 12:30

What's getting to me more is I had a face to face conversation with parent and step parent over Christmas in which I commented that sibling 2 was very quiet on the group chat and I hadn't seen them in person for a while, were they ok etc?
But just as you expect people to support you, if you noticed that your sibling wasn't active on the chat, why didn't YOU reach out to them?

MichelleScarn · 05/01/2023 12:31

Most people do just use WhatsApp as general chat or photos. It would be hard to have it as that then becomes an emotional support for one person to then another member feeling able to post a funny pic of little Sarah at the farm park or share a happy story!

Original poster
whatsappgroup · 05/01/2023 12:32

unfortunateevents · 05/01/2023 12:30

What's getting to me more is I had a face to face conversation with parent and step parent over Christmas in which I commented that sibling 2 was very quiet on the group chat and I hadn't seen them in person for a while, were they ok etc?
But just as you expect people to support you, if you noticed that your sibling wasn't active on the chat, why didn't YOU reach out to them?

I did. I got told "yeah all good thanks sis, just busy with work".

Then they told my parent and step parent something else over Christmas 🤷‍♀️

OP posts:
Original poster
whatsappgroup · 05/01/2023 12:33

The sibling who I've been told is struggling is VERY avoidant. Disengages from everyone when struggling. Like I said my parent and stepparent resorted to forcing them to interact by turning up at their house.

OP posts:
ABBAsnumberonefan · 05/01/2023 12:36

whatsappgroup · 05/01/2023 11:56

What's getting to me more is I had a face to face conversation with parent and step parent over Christmas in which I commented that sibling 2 was very quiet on the group chat and I hadn't seen them in person for a while, were they ok etc? They replied "they are having a bad time at the moment, struggling a bit, we saw them a few days ago" (they essentially got a reluctant conversation out of sibling who had been isolating themselves).

So they recognise someone is struggling when the don't actively contribute to a group chat, and seek that person out to offer support. Yet when another of their family directly communicates "I'm struggling", they are ignored. Confused

No OP, it doesn’t sound like they thought oh they’re quiet… they’re chatting to them outside the chat - as you should be. You were the one to mention they seemed quiet and asked how they were.

Purplelemons123 · 05/01/2023 12:38

I had a very crushing relationship breakup and also flu in December.

My dad texted the week before Xmas saying 'how are you', then gave me an update and asked a question.
I replied saying something about the update and answered his question.
He then replied 'Thanks, but you didn't say how you are'
I replied and said how I actually was...
He then replied 'Thanks'
And that was the end of the conversation. 🤔

People are weird on WhatsApp and people that don't get it in real life won't get it on WhatsApp. My parents have never been emotionally supportive so I was delighted that my dad pushed to know how I actually was.....until I realised he wasn't going to respond.

I'd stay in your WA group but just use it for newsy updates or kid pictures.
For emotional support, private message your sister who is supportive.

There is nothing worse than shouting into the wind in a WhatsApp group and being left hanging, especially if you feel like you've left yourself open.

enjoyingscience · 05/01/2023 12:38

I think you need to realign your expectations. As an adult, I wouldn’t expect emotional support for minor day to day things from my sibling or my parent. I might tell them about my life, and we contact each other a lot but with no expectations. If the shit hit the fan they would be there.

it does sound like you expect/need a lot from them. What do you do to build your own resilience?

Purplelemons123 · 05/01/2023 12:41

Dontlistitonfacebook · 05/01/2023 12:23

Have you family ever been emotionally supportive to you? İf not, I think it's unlikely that they ever will be.

Have you looked at the Stately homes thread? Can be helpful for this kind of thing.

Does anyone have a link for the original Stately Homes thread? Have searched a few times when it's been mentioned but can only find follow up threads.

Original poster
whatsappgroup · 05/01/2023 12:42

enjoyingscience · 05/01/2023 12:38

I think you need to realign your expectations. As an adult, I wouldn’t expect emotional support for minor day to day things from my sibling or my parent. I might tell them about my life, and we contact each other a lot but with no expectations. If the shit hit the fan they would be there.

it does sound like you expect/need a lot from them. What do you do to build your own resilience?

I message about once a week / fortnight 🤷‍♀️
Is that expecting a lot? Fair enough

OP posts:
Original poster
whatsappgroup · 05/01/2023 12:42

I do a LOT to build my resilience
Therapy
Mindfulness exercises
Medication
Talk to friends

Etc etc

OP posts:
TheChinkOfaGlass · 05/01/2023 12:43

I personally wouldn't post my troubles on a whatsapp family chat

Original poster
whatsappgroup · 05/01/2023 12:43

Purplelemons123 · 05/01/2023 12:38

I had a very crushing relationship breakup and also flu in December.

My dad texted the week before Xmas saying 'how are you', then gave me an update and asked a question.
I replied saying something about the update and answered his question.
He then replied 'Thanks, but you didn't say how you are'
I replied and said how I actually was...
He then replied 'Thanks'
And that was the end of the conversation. 🤔

People are weird on WhatsApp and people that don't get it in real life won't get it on WhatsApp. My parents have never been emotionally supportive so I was delighted that my dad pushed to know how I actually was.....until I realised he wasn't going to respond.

I'd stay in your WA group but just use it for newsy updates or kid pictures.
For emotional support, private message your sister who is supportive.

There is nothing worse than shouting into the wind in a WhatsApp group and being left hanging, especially if you feel like you've left yourself open.

That's horrible 😢
So invalidating.

OP posts:
Original poster
whatsappgroup · 05/01/2023 12:44

@ABBAsnumberonefan

They said they had also noticed this about sibling and so sought them out and found out they were struggling.

I summarised the conversation. But that's what they said

OP posts:
Soontobe60 · 05/01/2023 12:46

I’m in family WhatsApp groups in different combinations
Me and both DDs
Me and each DD seperately
Me and my 3 siblings
Me and my sister
Me, siblings and all their adult children

Just start a group with your sister?