To leave this WhatsApp group?

[whatsappgroup]

It's my family one. Consisting of my parent, step parent and two siblings. Just the five of us. Anytime I post anything it's mostly ignored, except for one sibling. That sibling has their hands full with 3 very small children but always manages to reply (sometimes I just message them one to one as seems pointless in the group chat). Thing is, these people are my only family. There is no one else. I'm struggling at the moment and in need of some support and there's only one sibling who ever seems to notice and engage with the conversation. I live miles from them all so rarely see them in person (every few months on average and only when I make the effort to travel to them).

What's the point? Would you just not bother anymore? Makes me feel like shit every time I reach out to so called family and it's only one person every time who responds.

Stately Homes threads are long standing, many years, so they just start a new one each time it fills up x

Well you didn’t say that did you? If you’re sending pics of your kids etc and reacting as you usually would then why would they think anything was wrong?

Youre going to have to reach out so someone you trust outside of the group chat. It’s not really the place most people would say they’re struggling in.

You seem to have some communication issues which could lead into bigger things.

@ABBAsnumberonefan

Like I said I summarised the conversation. I thought I made it clear they sought out my sibling as they were isolating themselves. If not I can only apologise I'm operating on about 3 hours of broken sleep

You didn’t say that it was based on absence in the WhatsApp which would be a pretty big detail to include since that’s what your whole thread is about.

But again, if you’re interacting as you usually do within the group why would they think anything was wrong?

If someone posted something like “Crikey, x is harder than I thought it would be” on WhatsApp - I’d think of it as much like a status update, rather than a request for support. I wouldn’t feel any particular need to contact that person. I’d expect them to contact me direct to get support - such as ask for a chat or to meet up.

@ABBAsnumberonefan

I thought this was me saying exactly that:

So they recognise someone is struggling when the don't actively contribute to a group chat, and seek that person out to offer support.

Anyway really don't have the energy to argue over that minor detail.

The upshot is, I'm directly saying "I'm not ok", and I'm ignored. Sibling is withdrawing and they are concerned this means sibling is not ok; so they seek out sibling to check on them.

So basically I have a fucked up family dynamic whereby if you directly ask for support you're ignored, but if you communicate the need for support in a roundabout indirect way; you get it. 🤷‍♀️ Seems odd but there you go.

And just to add that the "x" I'm referring to, is something I talked to my parent and SP about over Christmas face to face, telling them my worries and anxieties around it. So they are very much aware it's a difficult thing for me.

OP it sounds like your actual issue is that you're not close to your family other than your sibling. That can definitely hurt but won't be much impacted by leaving or staying in the whatsapp group. I think quite often group chats are just for lighthearted exchanges so might not be the best medium for soliciting support. How much effort do you make with your quiet sibling who's also going through a rough patch? Do you travel back to them rather than the other way round because it's your home town (this happens in my family and is just practical rather than personal)? Sometimes what seems like rejection can just be thoughtlessness, inertial or practicalities.

If your parent and one sibling aren't generally supportive anyway it's best to accept what the relationship is. It's fine to be disapointed it can't be more and hurt if it feels unequal between siblings but trying to solicit care they aren't able or willing to give will hurt more. It often seems that everyone has these big, loving families but what you descrbe isn't actually that uncommon. My family is similiar minus the kind, supportive sibling you do have.

I would mute the whatsapp group and stop reaching out for support from people who have a track record of constantly dismissing you. Decide on the level of effort you're going to give accordingly (e.g. decide how often you'll visit with the knowledge that you're not expecting return visits from them). Focus on people who are able to offer support. It sounds like you do have a support network of friends and one sibling which is wonderful. Reach out to them when you need help and focus your own care and support in that direction as you know it will be reciprocated.

@FromTheFront2theBack

Thank you. What a helpful and thoughtful post

Yes, but I'm used to it, I can shrug it off now in my 50's, but it used to really upset me when younger.
At least this time it was in a private message and I wasn't left hanging out to dry on the family WA! 🤣

I left my family group chat for the same reasons. I just said I found group chats overwhelming, which is also true!

You know the dynamic in your family.

I guess it’s always been the same where you matter less. So either accept that and do what you gotta do to cope - mute, leave, whatever, or carry on with this self flagellation

I don’t mean that to be as harsh as it may come across, but you’re expecting too much from those who have never been any different and on a social media group that’s not set up for anything more than shallow oohs and ahhs.

keep in touch with your siblings directly. Your dad and his wife aren’t interested

I would stay in the group but remain quiet and not post anything nor react/reply to anything, you reached out in your own way to them and nobody seems to care except the one sibling, unless they're not seeing the messages or something.

I would maybe just turn off notifications in your case. Just message your sibling direct.
I left my husbands family WhatsApp group and it caused a big row. But I’m happy with my decision. Hubby wants to leave because of the rubbish SIL posts but too scared to 😂

I'm sorry to hear you're struggling op. But it's not the fault of the WhatsApp group per se.

To offer an alternative perspective, I would hate for anyone to use WhatsApp to send random photos. To me, WhatsApp is a messaging function, I will tend to look at a WhatsApp as soon as I can in case it's important. Photos are what Facebook is for. I would use Facebook eg, once a day, or less but in my own downtime and without urgency to look at photos of family. I'm in about 50 WhatsApp groups, dc class, dc hobby, dc different hobby, my hobby, dc 2 different hobby, neighbours etc etc and it's all info stuff that needs to be dealt with, ie 'can someone get Tommy from training tonight?' . If my phone buzzed and I stopped what I was doing to look, and it was a photo, I wouldn't best impressed.

I would say stick to the cute pics and arrangements in the group.

You know what they are like, and who and who is not available for support, and it must be adding to your demoralised state to get your indications that you are struggling ignored. So don’t set yourself up to fail.

They might also be finding your messages a bit of a downer. Could you ask for specific help / advice, which people are often better at giving than showing empathy? E.g ‘anyone know how best to..’ ‘wish me luck today, is there anything I might not have thought of?’ Etc.

YABU if you think a family WhatsApp group is going to fill a void in your life. You've given no indication that anyone is 'off' with you and things seemed 'balanced' and 'fair'.
What was you hoping for? There's no need to leave the group, just use it for what it is. Pick up the phone or arrange to meet with your family more often if that suits all but start thinking about a plan for your life so that your worth isn't determined by a random text or emoji

In my experience WhatsApp groups aren't places to post for emotional support and discussions about sad stuff. If I wanted some sort of specific help from someone or just to offload I'd phone one person and chat to them. WhatsApp is generally for arranging to meet or posting a couple of lines about what you are up to. In my hobby related ones we just discuss that hobby.
It sounds as though you post a lot of negative stuff. Sibling 1 is using WhatsApp the way most people I know use it. I wouldn't ask someone personal questions on a WhatsApp group as I'd feel it was intrusive. Also do you have an idea of exactly how they can help or is it just someone to vent to?

My WhatsApp groups have a lot of photos, I have my notifications off.