Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

New boyfriend showed me girls he’s been taking to before we got together

62 replies

Zoddie · 05/01/2023 11:07

I’ve been dating this man for 3 months, and we got together officially over the new year period. He’s been so respectful and consistent with contact, always arranging dates, speaking every night on the phone… it made such a nice change from the other relationships I’ve had where the guy is just interested in sex tbh.

Well after we had sex he was talking about how he has “no game” and I just was laughing along. He then showed me, completely out of the blue, suggestive messages he had sent to 2 other girls just after we’d started speaking.

Like I don’t blame him for speaking to other girls before we got together at all, but why the need to show me? And in bed just after we’d had sex? I feel so conflicted and I just think this is a red flag but I’m not sure why.

I didn’t know what to say so I just didn’t say anything. But it’s making me feel really uneasy. On the one hand, I’m happy that our relationship wasn’t initiated with provocative messages, but on the other hand it makes me feel like he’s lied when he’s told me he doesn’t value sex as the most important thing in a relationship. It also doesn’t align with what he’s said about not looking for anything for years, and him being very shy around sex.
aibu?

OP posts:
Catterpillarwithconverse · 05/01/2023 11:10

Talk to him about it. Ask him why he showed you them?
The him how it made you feel.

Catterpillarwithconverse · 05/01/2023 11:10

Tell*

SalviaOfficinalis · 05/01/2023 11:15

That’s really weird and creepy. It made you feel uncomfortable, don’t dismiss your feelings.

He’s trying to make you feel insecure/lucky to have him.

This would really put me off tbh, I would proceed with caution.

TofuonToast · 05/01/2023 11:18

Red flag sadly.

Stressfordays · 05/01/2023 11:22

I was seeing a guy recently and he took great pleasure in telling me when girls messaged him etc. Sort of like a way to show me hes got interest from others. I dumped him because it made me cringe.

emptythelitterbox · 05/01/2023 11:23

Of course he lied.
It's the 3 month mark and time for him to start showing his true colors.

If you're looking to settle down with someone, he's not the one.

WandaWonder · 05/01/2023 11:24

Op if your friend said all this to you about their boyfriend what would you say to them?

ChocChipOwl · 05/01/2023 11:27

Throw this one back in the pond.

Do not spend time trying to psychoanalyse him, who cares?

Dump or you'll live to regret it

OhIdoLike2bBesideTheSeaside · 05/01/2023 11:35

ChocChipOwl · 05/01/2023 11:27

Throw this one back in the pond.

Do not spend time trying to psychoanalyse him, who cares?

Dump or you'll live to regret it

This is excellent advice!

10HailMarys · 05/01/2023 11:36

Weird behaviour on his part. I'd ditch him and move on. If you're already feeling uncertain about his behaviour after three months, things are not going to get better.

Original poster
Zoddie · 05/01/2023 11:47

He told me it was because he wanted to “open” about it and he didn’t know how else to tell me? But I was also speaking to other people and wouldn’t think of telling him, it’s none of his business as we weren’t together? I just don’t understand how he wanted me to react

OP posts:
Ludo19 · 05/01/2023 11:51

He sounds like a prick tbh. He told you this after sex when we're probably a bit vulnerable and totally agree with pp he's trying to make you feel lucky you've landed him.

Ditch and move on as it'll not get any better.

Choconut · 05/01/2023 12:04

I'd say he's very insecure and trying to make you see him as a catch. Move on find someone with genuine self esteem.

Dodecaheidyin · 05/01/2023 12:09

He told me it was because he wanted to “open” about it and he didn’t know how else to tell me?

He's dressing it up to look like he's being decent. He's not. He wants you to feel insecure and unsure. The timing was intentional to make you feel doubtful when you should have been feeling warm and fuzzy. DO NOT tell him how he made you feel - it will boost his pathetic ego and no doubt give him wank fodder.

I agree with the others, dump and move on. You're only three months in, it will not get any better. It might seem to from time to time but take how you're feeling just now and multiply it by a million once you're much further down the line.

Get out before it goes any further, please. You are worth more than that Flowers

bluebell34567 · 05/01/2023 12:12

Ludo19 · 05/01/2023 11:51

He sounds like a prick tbh. He told you this after sex when we're probably a bit vulnerable and totally agree with pp he's trying to make you feel lucky you've landed him.

Ditch and move on as it'll not get any better.

so true.

ladygindiva · 05/01/2023 12:13

SalviaOfficinalis · 05/01/2023 11:15

That’s really weird and creepy. It made you feel uncomfortable, don’t dismiss your feelings.

He’s trying to make you feel insecure/lucky to have him.

This would really put me off tbh, I would proceed with caution.

This I agree with.

ladygindiva · 05/01/2023 12:14

Dodecaheidyin · 05/01/2023 12:09

He told me it was because he wanted to “open” about it and he didn’t know how else to tell me?

He's dressing it up to look like he's being decent. He's not. He wants you to feel insecure and unsure. The timing was intentional to make you feel doubtful when you should have been feeling warm and fuzzy. DO NOT tell him how he made you feel - it will boost his pathetic ego and no doubt give him wank fodder.

I agree with the others, dump and move on. You're only three months in, it will not get any better. It might seem to from time to time but take how you're feeling just now and multiply it by a million once you're much further down the line.

Get out before it goes any further, please. You are worth more than that Flowers

I agree with this even more! I went out with a guy like this for a few months when I was younger he shredded my self esteem .

YeezyPeasy · 05/01/2023 12:15

Red flag. He’s “negging” you to make you feel insecure so he gains the upper hand. Go with your gut.

Pollywoddles · 05/01/2023 12:18

Yep, red flag for me too. I had one guy like this and I stupidly ignored that little voice in my head. He turned out to be a wrong‘un so if it happened again I’d run for the hills.

Your spidey senses are tingling for a reason.

Aprilx · 05/01/2023 12:21

He is trying to keep you on your toys. To let you know he has options.

Aprilx · 05/01/2023 12:22

*toes not toys.

Ihaveroyallyscrewedup · 05/01/2023 12:28

It was designed to make you feel insecure, show you he had options so that you will fawn over him and “prove yourself worthy” , it’s a 🚩, don’t play his games, throw this one back.

Biscuits1011 · 05/01/2023 12:34

Tell him, next time, you don’t want to know. My partner did a similar Similar thing early on… I told him I didn’t want to know his past, any of it, who what where, I don’t care. If I did want to know I’ll ask, so he stopped and has never spoke of the past again. And that’s how I like it because what he did before he met me doesn’t matter to me. If he doesn’t stop, he’s not the one for you.

Original poster
Zoddie · 05/01/2023 12:55

the women he had sent messages to hadn’t replied to him… he basically sent 2 women messages when they put up pictures on their Instagram stories. They’d seen the messages but there was no reply from them (unless he had deleted them)… so it doesn’t make me think he’s a catch at all, quite the opposite…

OP posts:
Bigdamnheroes · 05/01/2023 12:58

He wants you to compete with them. I'd bin him off tbh, he sounds like a sleaze.