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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

New boyfriend showed me girls he’s been taking to before we got together

62 replies

Zoddie · 05/01/2023 11:07

I’ve been dating this man for 3 months, and we got together officially over the new year period. He’s been so respectful and consistent with contact, always arranging dates, speaking every night on the phone… it made such a nice change from the other relationships I’ve had where the guy is just interested in sex tbh.

Well after we had sex he was talking about how he has “no game” and I just was laughing along. He then showed me, completely out of the blue, suggestive messages he had sent to 2 other girls just after we’d started speaking.

Like I don’t blame him for speaking to other girls before we got together at all, but why the need to show me? And in bed just after we’d had sex? I feel so conflicted and I just think this is a red flag but I’m not sure why.

I didn’t know what to say so I just didn’t say anything. But it’s making me feel really uneasy. On the one hand, I’m happy that our relationship wasn’t initiated with provocative messages, but on the other hand it makes me feel like he’s lied when he’s told me he doesn’t value sex as the most important thing in a relationship. It also doesn’t align with what he’s said about not looking for anything for years, and him being very shy around sex.
aibu?

OP posts:
Nagado · 05/01/2023 13:09

Zoddie · 05/01/2023 12:55

the women he had sent messages to hadn’t replied to him… he basically sent 2 women messages when they put up pictures on their Instagram stories. They’d seen the messages but there was no reply from them (unless he had deleted them)… so it doesn’t make me think he’s a catch at all, quite the opposite…

So two women have put photos on their social media and he’s seen this as an invitation to send them uninvited, creepy messages while also talking to you? And then he’s told you about it at one of the most intimate moments you can have with someone?

Throw this one back. He’s a sleaze. I’d be inclined to tell him that it was because he’s not the man you thought he was and you’d rather be single than lower your standards.

Vegetablesupreme · 05/01/2023 13:21

Nagado · 05/01/2023 13:09

So two women have put photos on their social media and he’s seen this as an invitation to send them uninvited, creepy messages while also talking to you? And then he’s told you about it at one of the most intimate moments you can have with someone?

Throw this one back. He’s a sleaze. I’d be inclined to tell him that it was because he’s not the man you thought he was and you’d rather be single than lower your standards.

Show quote history

Agree 100% with this. Especially the last bit explaining why.
You deserve a lot better OP

SalviaOfficinalis · 05/01/2023 13:23

The update makes it worse. Unsolicited suggestive messages is just creepy.

He’s probably mentioning it now to soften your boundaries and pave the way for continuing to perve on women on the internet without you kicking up a fuss later.

onyttig · 05/01/2023 13:26

He’s right in a sense that he’s ‘got no game’ but not quite in the way he seems to imagine.

He’s behaved like a creepy weirdo to two
women on instagram and decided to show you this in bed after having sex for the first time.

Time to throw this one back. It’s not a keeper.

billy1966 · 05/01/2023 13:52

Bigdamnheroes · 05/01/2023 12:58

He wants you to compete with them. I'd bin him off tbh, he sounds like a sleaze.

This.

Listen to that gut of yours its screaming at you to ditch him.

Original poster
Zoddie · 05/01/2023 14:02

I just don’t get why he did it, he’s given no weird vibes over the last 3 months. Very respectful and engaging.

OP posts:
KettrickenSmiled · 05/01/2023 14:16

Zoddie · 05/01/2023 11:47

He told me it was because he wanted to “open” about it and he didn’t know how else to tell me? But I was also speaking to other people and wouldn’t think of telling him, it’s none of his business as we weren’t together? I just don’t understand how he wanted me to react

What a pile of crock. (Him, not you OP!)

There was no need to tell you, so no need to wonder about how to do so.

He's simultaneously bigging himself up ... that he has other sexual 'prospects' available, while undermining & 'negging' you.
That is why you are feeling uneasy.

He has put you in the same bracket as these other women: showing you that you are just one of several, but the 'lucky' one who was in bed with him.
In his mind, you are one of a group of commodities "look at the other commodities! Dance for me so I don't chat them into bed too!"
Ignore the self-deprecating way he introduced the topic - that was a smokescreen to hide his manipulation.

whoyougonnacallGOATSBUTTER · 05/01/2023 14:18

YeezyPeasy · 05/01/2023 12:15

Red flag. He’s “negging” you to make you feel insecure so he gains the upper hand. Go with your gut.

This, in a nutshell.

Proceed at your peril but I would not waste another day on him let alone another 3 months.

KettrickenSmiled · 05/01/2023 14:18

Nagado · 05/01/2023 13:09

So two women have put photos on their social media and he’s seen this as an invitation to send them uninvited, creepy messages while also talking to you? And then he’s told you about it at one of the most intimate moments you can have with someone?

Throw this one back. He’s a sleaze. I’d be inclined to tell him that it was because he’s not the man you thought he was and you’d rather be single than lower your standards.

Show quote history

Oh FFS.

Agreed. Ditch & block.

Bleugh!!

LimeTwists · 05/01/2023 14:19

Very immature behaviour from him. He’s trying to make you jealous.

whoyougonnacallGOATSBUTTER · 05/01/2023 14:20

Zoddie · 05/01/2023 14:02

I just don’t get why he did it, he’s given no weird vibes over the last 3 months. Very respectful and engaging.

But now you know he’s not respectful. Even misogynists will hold a door open for women, doesn’t make them respectful of women.

TheShellBeach · 05/01/2023 14:20

Definite red flag.

He is testing you, to see how you react to this.

End it, OP. Just block him. Things will just get worse and worse if you don't. This man does not respect you if he can do something like this, especially just after sex.

Pixilicious1 · 05/01/2023 14:24

Ditch him. No game? That's game right there; he's trying to make you feel insecure. What a tosser.

Pixiedust1234 · 05/01/2023 14:28

suggestive messages he had sent to 2 other girls

he basically sent 2 women messages when they put up pictures on their Instagram stories

WTAF!!!! So no conversation back and forth before making suggestive comments to two strange women, and he thinks that is normal behaviour?? Its one step down from an unsolicited dick pic.

Bin the sexist creep.

Dodecaheidyin · 05/01/2023 14:36

Zoddie · 05/01/2023 14:02

I just don’t get why he did it, he’s given no weird vibes over the last 3 months. Very respectful and engaging.

He has shown you a nice side (which is very likely an act) to lure you in and keep you hanging on. Three months in he's now testing the waters - he wants to see if you'll accept this little nugget of behaviour that's designed to make you doubt yourself. If you do accept it, he'll know that he can offer a bigger one next time ... until a few years down the line you'll be but a shell of who you are now.

I understand you want to understand, that's fair enough. Please though, protect yourself. He won't get any better. You can't fix him.

Regularsizedrudy · 05/01/2023 14:43

Run

TheShellBeach · 05/01/2023 14:47

Zoddie · 05/01/2023 14:02

I just don’t get why he did it, he’s given no weird vibes over the last 3 months. Very respectful and engaging.

Yes, they're always like this to suck you in, OP.

Now he's showing you who he really is. Just get rid of him. I think that's your intention anyway, and quite right, too.
Good luck.

mewkins · 05/01/2023 14:59

SalviaOfficinalis · 05/01/2023 11:15

That’s really weird and creepy. It made you feel uncomfortable, don’t dismiss your feelings.

He’s trying to make you feel insecure/lucky to have him.

This would really put me off tbh, I would proceed with caution.

I would say this. I bet he would hate it if you showed him messages you'd sent to other men and would make you feel bad about them.

5128gap · 05/01/2023 14:59

Its possible your man isn't the sharpest tool in the shed, and is doing this in a misguided attempt to show you 'you're different'. As in, that's what he normally does with women 'only worth having sex with', but you're 'special' so he didn't send messages like that to you.
Unfortunately he's revealed things about himself and his attitude to women that are huge red flags. I'd give him a swerve.

willowbough · 05/01/2023 15:03

Weird behaviour. I'd second the advice to throw this one back in the pond.

Sandra1984 · 05/01/2023 15:11

Zoddie · 05/01/2023 11:47

He told me it was because he wanted to “open” about it and he didn’t know how else to tell me? But I was also speaking to other people and wouldn’t think of telling him, it’s none of his business as we weren’t together? I just don’t understand how he wanted me to react

Anyone would know he chose the worst moment to show them to you that for sure so I wonder what his real motives were. a) He's really really insecure and needs to triangulate you a little bit with these two women who "he's been talking to" in order to exert control and show you "what a stud he is". b) He's just very socially awkward and doesn't know doing that is a no-no in anybody's book.

His actions would be a red flag for me, I would take the relationship with a pinch of salt after that and proceed with caution. I fear there's more "surprises" to come.

Sandra1984 · 05/01/2023 15:13

Narc vibes mode: "On"...

JudgeRudy · 05/01/2023 16:08

It's unusual behaviour but I think it's a bit of a jump to assume this was a manipulative move.
Maybe he just a bit nerdy without much experience with women and its his (awkward) way of 'proving' that she is special to him and its more than sex

ICanHideButICantRun · 05/01/2023 16:11

What a way to spoil the first time you slept together.

Msgrieves · 05/01/2023 16:12

I really don't agree with whole assume ineptness instead of maliciousness, BTW that whole thing is a pile of shite. He's triangulating , trying to make himself out as the big man (bit of a pathetic attempt). I would regard him as a bit of a loser for this.

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