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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think violence between adults in a family is never okay?

77 replies

BradfordGirl · 05/01/2023 11:04

I do not think they are nuances or good reasons for violence between adults in a family. It is always wrong.

OP posts:
mishmased · 05/01/2023 11:05

Absolutely! Where is this coming from?

Volkswagenitalia · 05/01/2023 11:05

Well, it's never 'right' is it? But it does happen sometimes, especially if drink is involved.

Who knows what happened between William and Harry though?

Original poster
BradfordGirl · 05/01/2023 11:07

I am not interested in discussing the Royal Family. I don't care about them.
But I am alarmed to see various posters saying - oh my sister and I thump each other, its normal. Or my brothers square up to each other all the time, its normal.
I am sad if that is the normal in your family, but it is not okay.

OP posts:
goldpendant · 05/01/2023 11:08

Agree. If my brother grabbed me/pushed me, or in anyway made me fall over on purpose, in an aggressive way, I’d be going NC.

Original poster
BradfordGirl · 05/01/2023 11:08

And arguments that there is nuance and violence is fine in certain contexts. I am really alarmed at the number of posters defending violence between adults in a family.

OP posts:
FluffyYucca · 05/01/2023 11:12

I agree that this isn’t something that should be normal.

Only reason it would ever be acceptable IMO is something like you’re literally shoving them out of the way of danger

Aprilx · 05/01/2023 11:14

mishmased · 05/01/2023 11:05

Absolutely! Where is this coming from?

I think OP has read about Harry’s latest claims.

Thesearmsofmine · 05/01/2023 11:14

It is never right but sometimes it does happen. Being honest that this kind of thing does happen within a family isn’t defending it or saying that it is ok, more that it isn’t unheard of.

Original poster
BradfordGirl · 05/01/2023 11:16

@Thesearmsofmine I know it happens. Just as parents still hit children. I am not saying adults who do this are all dreadful people. But we still need to recognise what is and what is not okay.

OP posts:
Facecream · 05/01/2023 11:31

I agree OP but the only reason you see that response type in the other thread is because of the hatred for H and M and the desire to, no matter what, defend K and W, more specifically Kate. The tabloid thrash did its work very well in the years before they left the UK do many people are absolutely convinced that they are lying about everything they say.
I think it’s shocking that people on that thread say things about a man, an ex soldier don’t you know, being a wimp and it’s justified if not wonderful that the other one defended his staff with a physical reaction.
If it was in any other workplace we know what HR would be doing.

Saddlesore · 05/01/2023 11:33

Agree that it's never ok. But we need to consider context. Sometimes someone can goad someone else to the extent that the victim of the goading or emotional abuse just snaps and resorts to physical violence. We have seen this, for example, in the case of Sally Challen's conviction for murder being overturned.

With reference to the William/Harry saga, I haven't read the book extract, but would be interested to know what words were exchanged immediately before the dog bowl incident. Sometimes someone can push another person just too far - and not just physically.

Goodgrief82 · 05/01/2023 11:33

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ThighMistress · 05/01/2023 11:37

As I’ve said on “other thread” I don’t think the OP could give two hoots if William had landed in the dog bowl.

The fact that “necklace” and “dog bowl” are included are what makes it a tragic-comedy.

Of course no one approves of true violence in a family. As if.

secsee · 05/01/2023 11:38

They know it's not normal but they'd rather condone violence than admit a precious RF never could be wrong about anything, especially relating to Harry and Meghan.

SetPhasersTaeMalkie · 05/01/2023 11:40

secsee · 05/01/2023 11:38

They know it's not normal but they'd rather condone violence than admit a precious RF never could be wrong about anything, especially relating to Harry and Meghan.

100% agree with this.

YANBU OP

GenuinelyDone · 05/01/2023 11:46

YANBU but I also think that siblings are much more likely to use their body to block/upset/trap you than other adults might resulting in stronger reactions like pushing to get passed/escape.

A push can be seen as assaulting someone, especially taken out of context...but what leads up to being pushed is just as important as the event.

I can guarantee if one of my siblings or any adult was screaming at me and/or trying to prevent me leaving the room I'd use bodily force to get passed them if required.

Original poster
BradfordGirl · 05/01/2023 11:53

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This is nasty of you.
I clearly said parents hitting a child is wrong. But I also said do not stop court appointed access without expert advice. I have known women lose custody because they have stopped court appointed access because of an abusive father. Mumsnetters are quick to say withhold access without understanding the potential implications.

That is NOT defending abusive fathers. It is saying take proper expert advice before going against a court rather than listening to a bunch of people who do not understand the legal implications.

If I could block you I would. I am pretty disgusted at how you have twisted what I clearly said.

OP posts:
durhamduck · 05/01/2023 11:55

"Normal" can mean a few things... I don't think it's acceptable, but it's common. It probably won't be so common in a few decades. I think generations outgrow patterns, for example corporal punishment (and therefore an atmosphere of family violence) was prevalent just a few generations ago.

Goodgrief82 · 05/01/2023 11:56

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growgrowinggrown · 05/01/2023 11:58

Me and my siblings still rough house a bit, doesn't mean anything and I think it actually shows we're pretty close to each other.

I know if I'm annoying them I might get a thwack on the head as they go past or whatever, if they're messing with the TV I might sit on them to squish them.

For us it's in good nature and messing about but can get rough, so to someone watching might look really serious but it's just us messing about.

This is why context is important.
Obviously not the same as has been discussed in the book, but isn't so out there shocking that it can happen.

Original poster
BradfordGirl · 05/01/2023 12:02

@Goodgrief82 You are still being nasty and attacking by making up things.
If you want to take advice from a load of mumsnetters about legal matters go ahead. But in many cases they are very wrong. Take proper expert advice and do not do what mumsnetters advise which in some cases could lead to you losing custody of your own child.

OP posts:
Original poster
BradfordGirl · 05/01/2023 12:03

durhamduck · 05/01/2023 11:55

"Normal" can mean a few things... I don't think it's acceptable, but it's common. It probably won't be so common in a few decades. I think generations outgrow patterns, for example corporal punishment (and therefore an atmosphere of family violence) was prevalent just a few generations ago.

Lots of things are common I agree. When I was at school teachers still hit pupils, it was normal. It was also very wrong.

OP posts:
Sittingonabench · 05/01/2023 12:06

No it’s not acceptable and some of the posts on the other thread are in very bad taste ( a lot of victim blaming and minimising). I’m not a fan of the RF or either “side” but given responses (from public and media) I do believe H & M have been driven out and into their current situation.

Goodgrief82 · 05/01/2023 12:06

BradfordGirl · 05/01/2023 12:02

@Goodgrief82 You are still being nasty and attacking by making up things.
If you want to take advice from a load of mumsnetters about legal matters go ahead. But in many cases they are very wrong. Take proper expert advice and do not do what mumsnetters advise which in some cases could lead to you losing custody of your own child.

What am I making up?

I have linked to the thread

So your posts can be read

Goodgrief82 · 05/01/2023 12:08

I agree re taking legal advice

But you know what @BradfordGirl when it comes to my child and extreme violence being perpetuated against them, I am willing to take the chance. As thankfully every other poster on that thread aside from… you, would also have done