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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Nana Childcare

66 replies

prettyrainbows · 04/01/2023 13:56

I'm nana to my Step daughters little boy. I love him to pieces. I have offered to help and have him sometimes if she wants a break or has things to do etc.
She will always message or call my husband though (her Father) and ask if he can take a day off work to care for him (if she has an appointment or needs the odd days childcare etc). I work part-time 2 days per week and so I'm much more available to help out. It just seems strange that she doesn't ask me and goes straight to her Dad as it would require him using annual leave whereas I'm pretty flexible and more available.
She doesn't have a good relationship with her Mother unfortunately. We have always got along - we're not particularly close, but I thought she would feel more than comfortable asking if I can help with childcare, as I've always been involved and offered. DH will take a days hol, but then I'm off anyway, so seems odd to me, like I'm looking after him but only because DH is present!

OP posts:
Stompythedinosaur · 04/01/2023 14:00

It is a shame, but clearly your stepdaughter isn't keen for you to watch her baby. I think blended families can be tricky and bring up tricky emotions.

CruCru · 04/01/2023 14:11

I wonder if she thinks she'll be taking the piss if she does ask you? Every so often a thread will come up from a woman in her sixties or seventies to say how they love their grandchildren but too much is asked of them re childcare.

BernadetteRostankowskiWolowitz · 04/01/2023 14:13

If you both aren't particularly close then surely it answers the question?

Justcallmebebes · 04/01/2023 14:14

She may feel uncomfortable asking you. Can you not just tell her that you'll be happy to have him if needs be?

Namechanger965 · 04/01/2023 14:17

we're not particularly close

I think that’s your answer really. She obviously feels more comfortable asking her father. How long have you known her for?

roarfeckingroarr · 04/01/2023 14:21

Because you're not related to her baby or her.

Holly60 · 04/01/2023 14:21

Could your DH ask her why she won't ask you?

GodspeedJune · 04/01/2023 14:23

Does she see you as her child’s Nan? I don’t see the woman my FIL married as my child’s Nan, she’s of no relation.

Original poster
prettyrainbows · 04/01/2023 14:25

BernadetteRostankowskiWolowitz · 04/01/2023 14:13

If you both aren't particularly close then surely it answers the question?

Close enough that we all see each other regularly and message etc.

OP posts:
upfucked · 04/01/2023 14:27

Have you talked to her and said you are happy to help out with childcare?

Original poster
prettyrainbows · 04/01/2023 14:27

roarfeckingroarr · 04/01/2023 14:21

Because you're not related to her baby or her.

Of course, I understand that. But she was happy for me to be Nana, for which I'm very grateful and my grandson sees me as such - so I had hoped I could be Nana involved in helping etc too. Maybe I got that wrong.

OP posts:
FleasNavidad · 04/01/2023 14:27

Can't your husband ask her why?

Original poster
prettyrainbows · 04/01/2023 14:30

GodspeedJune · 04/01/2023 14:23

Does she see you as her child’s Nan? I don’t see the woman my FIL married as my child’s Nan, she’s of no relation.

Yes she does, and we get along, which is why it seems a bit odd. I've always offered to help any time, she knows she only had to text me.

OP posts:
fajitaaaa · 04/01/2023 14:31

For whatever reason she doesn't want you doing it. I think you need to accept this.

ShesThunderstorms · 04/01/2023 14:35

It might be that she feels a bit cheeky asking. Have you said to her that you'd be happy to have him if she ever needed? If she's happy for her son to call you nana, she obviously seems quite comfortable with you around him.
Maybe next time her dad can't have him, he could reply to her and say, so sorry I'm not available but nana is free if that's any help? No pressure though?

SalviaOfficinalis · 04/01/2023 14:36

It sounds like she’s not comfortable with you looking after him on your own without DH there, sorry.

What does your DH think about it?

thinkingcapon · 04/01/2023 14:39

When her dad has him are you there or do you take him by yourself? I'm just wondering if your stepdaughter asks him when she knows you're not.....
Ps I find it incredible she asks him to take holidays to look after her son?!

GinoVino · 04/01/2023 14:40

Without sounding mean, she doesn't see you are her parent and she doesn't see your relationship the same way you do. And you're going to have to accept that. Personally I'd jump at the chance for my step mum to look after my kids but I can see that others wouldn't.

AnElegantChaos · 04/01/2023 14:43

I think it sounds more like she doesn't want to appear cheeky, especially if she's happy for you to be 'nana'. Reiterate to her that you'd be delighted to help out, and make sure she knows it won't be an imposition on you or your time, then you'll know one way or the other. Good luck, hope she says yes!

Original poster
prettyrainbows · 04/01/2023 14:45

thinkingcapon · 04/01/2023 14:39

When her dad has him are you there or do you take him by yourself? I'm just wondering if your stepdaughter asks him when she knows you're not.....
Ps I find it incredible she asks him to take holidays to look after her son?!

Yes, I'm usually there too. We take him for days our and to see Santa etc, which I ask her permission obviously. Just feels a bit like she wouldn't want me to have him unless my DH is present, but that might not always be possible as he works full time. It's obviously her call, but free childcare offers are hard to come by, I thought she would be grateful.

OP posts:
ShimmeringShirts · 04/01/2023 14:46

I wouldn’t ask someone I’m not close to to watch my child either tbh, step parent or not. You’re not the one she wants involved in her child’s life and that’s ok, it’s her child and her father she wants.

luxxlisbon · 04/01/2023 14:47

Two likely scenarios really, either she doesn’t want you to look after the baby or she feels cheeky asking and feels more comfortable asking her dad.
Just ask her, or ask your husband to mention it to her.

Original poster
prettyrainbows · 04/01/2023 14:47

GinoVino · 04/01/2023 14:40

Without sounding mean, she doesn't see you are her parent and she doesn't see your relationship the same way you do. And you're going to have to accept that. Personally I'd jump at the chance for my step mum to look after my kids but I can see that others wouldn't.

It's a shame really as I'm happy to help any time. Maybe as I'm no a blood relative she sees it differently, whereas I love my Grandson as if he were.

OP posts:
Original poster
prettyrainbows · 04/01/2023 14:48

ShimmeringShirts · 04/01/2023 14:46

I wouldn’t ask someone I’m not close to to watch my child either tbh, step parent or not. You’re not the one she wants involved in her child’s life and that’s ok, it’s her child and her father she wants.

That stung a bit. You're probably right though.

OP posts:
BernadetteRostankowskiWolowitz · 04/01/2023 14:52

How long have you and her dad been married?

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