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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Nana Childcare

66 replies

prettyrainbows · 04/01/2023 13:56

I'm nana to my Step daughters little boy. I love him to pieces. I have offered to help and have him sometimes if she wants a break or has things to do etc.
She will always message or call my husband though (her Father) and ask if he can take a day off work to care for him (if she has an appointment or needs the odd days childcare etc). I work part-time 2 days per week and so I'm much more available to help out. It just seems strange that she doesn't ask me and goes straight to her Dad as it would require him using annual leave whereas I'm pretty flexible and more available.
She doesn't have a good relationship with her Mother unfortunately. We have always got along - we're not particularly close, but I thought she would feel more than comfortable asking if I can help with childcare, as I've always been involved and offered. DH will take a days hol, but then I'm off anyway, so seems odd to me, like I'm looking after him but only because DH is present!

OP posts:
Favouritefruits · 04/01/2023 14:53

Maybe she feels like you are just saying it to be nice and not meaning it. My lovely next door neighbour used to say ‘if you want a break you know where I am’ but I never took her up on her offer as I didn’t know if she actually wanted to or was just being nice.

Original poster
prettyrainbows · 04/01/2023 14:54

BernadetteRostankowskiWolowitz · 04/01/2023 14:52

How long have you and her dad been married?

We have been married for 12 years.
He had been divorced from the girls Mum for 10 years prior to us meeting.

We have a nice friendly relationship.

OP posts:
ShimmeringShirts · 04/01/2023 14:55

@prettyrainbows I’m sorry, I didn’t mean for that to be cruel. I have a step mother myself, I’m happy my DF has found someone that he loves and wants to share his life with but they weren’t involved when I was a child and as nice as she is and as much as we get along, she’s not the person I’d turn to for childcare or support. Families can be complicated and more so when there’s parents partners in the picture.

Original poster
prettyrainbows · 04/01/2023 14:56

thinkingcapon · 04/01/2023 14:39

When her dad has him are you there or do you take him by yourself? I'm just wondering if your stepdaughter asks him when she knows you're not.....
Ps I find it incredible she asks him to take holidays to look after her son?!

Tbh I think that's a bit naughty, especially when I'm available and offered. I think DH needs to say no, but Nana can help, maybe she will ask me then. I just wish it wasn't under duress, it feels awkward.

OP posts:
MaverickGooseGoose · 04/01/2023 14:57

I wouldn't ask my step mil to have my kids, I'd ask fil. He can then liaise with step mil if she wants to do it. She's not my direct relation so it would feel weird as in her direct. Same the other way around I don't ask my step dad but would ask my mum, he's happy to do it if she can't.

girlmom21 · 04/01/2023 14:57

Tell your DH to say he's not free but he could ask you if you're willing to help out.

She might just feel a bit less comfortable asking you because she doesn't want you to think she's cheeky or feel like you have to say yes.

Or you could call her and say "dads told me you asked him to help and he couldn't but I'm free if you want me to. No pressure and I won't be offended if you don't want me to but bear it in mind and let me know if you need me."

Original poster
prettyrainbows · 04/01/2023 14:59

ShimmeringShirts · 04/01/2023 14:55

@prettyrainbows I’m sorry, I didn’t mean for that to be cruel. I have a step mother myself, I’m happy my DF has found someone that he loves and wants to share his life with but they weren’t involved when I was a child and as nice as she is and as much as we get along, she’s not the person I’d turn to for childcare or support. Families can be complicated and more so when there’s parents partners in the picture.

I understand what you mean. I guess it's not the same as I'm not the biological Nana (even though the biological ones are useless)
I'll just make sure she knows the offers there, but obviously it's upto her ultimately and I'll respect that.

OP posts:
JudgeRudy · 04/01/2023 14:59

What an odd response. So you only interact with blood relatives then?

girlmom21 · 04/01/2023 14:59

OP FWIW I'd ask my step mom before my dad, MIL or FIL

Original poster
prettyrainbows · 04/01/2023 15:04

JudgeRudy · 04/01/2023 14:59

What an odd response. So you only interact with blood relatives then?

I don't understand what you mean?
I'm not the child's biological nana.
I treat him as my own Grandchild though.
I've not said I only interact with blood relatives.
I said maybe she sees things differently as I'm not biologically related.

OP posts:
SunshineAndFizz · 04/01/2023 15:08

Why don't you ask DH to say next time she asks "step-MIL is free and would love to help, and it would save me taking holiday too, what do you think"

...and then you can find out what she thinks. She might not feel comfortable asking you directly and therefore goes to her dad by default. Double check she knows you're happy to help.

Spiderboy · 04/01/2023 15:11

I wouldn’t want to ask that of someone I am not close to. It doesn’t mean I don’t trust them though. My mams partner is a grandparent to my child and he offers to take him out and do things with him which they do. But childcare feels different as it is a favour to me rather than a “fun” activity.

watcherintherye · 04/01/2023 15:12

Maybe your dh could say, next time he’s asked, ‘Sorry, love, I can’t take any leave then, but rainbows will be free, and I know she’d love to have him.’ See what the response is.

Socksey · 04/01/2023 15:13

Perhaps she feels that she would be overstepping if she asked you directly? If you otherwise have a good relationship, I doubt it's anything untoward... she may have read stuff here on MumsNet and think that she'd be out of line and so would rather ask her dad... perhaps she expects him to say that hes not available but thinks that you would be available and would love to look after DGC...

gogohmm · 04/01/2023 15:13

My ex step mil was amazing with my dd with asd, she really got her (she dm works with kids with Sen) her biological grandmother on ex's side never helped once, not in 18 years and wonders why since exh left me dd has no contact with her by choice!

SchnauzerEyebrows · 04/01/2023 15:14

It sounds like she doesn't trust you to look after him unless your DH is there

JudgeRudy · 04/01/2023 15:24

Apologies, misposted. My reply was for @prettyrainbows

JudgeRudy · 04/01/2023 15:27

.....oops (again)
Or even @roarfeckingroarr

BrownEyedGhoul · 04/01/2023 15:28

You've posted before OP, and you don't have a good relationship with her at all. Not sure why you are saying you do now?

fajitaaaa · 04/01/2023 15:31

It's obviously her call, but free childcare offers are hard to come by, I thought she would be grateful.

She might be grateful for the offer. But not want to take you up on it. I don't know you, so I've no idea why. But reasons some people on here have had for not wanting someone to look after baby are:

  1. Not sure they are able to - no experience, failing health.
  2. A clash of beliefs. Eg. Its fine to leave baby outside to sleep in the middle of winter or eat solids at 4 months
  3. Just aren't comfortable - remember her dad bought her up so she knows what his parenting is like. She may also feel loyalty to her mum.
  4. She just doesn't want you to.
Sherbetdib · 04/01/2023 15:31

Sorry but she isn't as close to you as you might hope for.
We don't know the background history between you all.
You might want to consider if she doesn't want to have to feel grateful to you.

Calphurnia88 · 04/01/2023 15:46

How old is the child?

There is only one family member I am comfortable having DS 9mo unsupervised (MIL - rare on Mumsnet, I know). When he's older I will be happy for him to spend unsupervised time with other family members but right now it wouldn't be fair on either the family member or him.

Calphurnia88 · 04/01/2023 15:55

It's obviously her call, but free childcare offers are hard to come by, I thought she would be grateful.

We've had free childcare offers that I have turned down because I don't trust that the person offering is experienced enough or able to provide basic care for my child (some people seem to think it's all playtimes and cuddles) OR because I think our parenting styles are massively misaligned.

WB205020 · 04/01/2023 15:56

@prettyrainbows
It seems odd if she said for you to be called Nana not to involve you in helping if you have told her to ask and shown you want too......being called Nana implies there is a closeness / bond with you and her.

The only thing I can thing is it was your / your Dh's idea for you to be called Nana and not hers and she only went along with it to appease your DH / keep you happy.

Who's idea was it for your to be called Nana?

Sherbetdib · 04/01/2023 15:59

Or put another way, she will be forced to be indebted to you. Grateful. And doesn't want to be.
She may feel you are a little too keen.

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