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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Nana Childcare

66 replies

prettyrainbows · 04/01/2023 13:56

I'm nana to my Step daughters little boy. I love him to pieces. I have offered to help and have him sometimes if she wants a break or has things to do etc.
She will always message or call my husband though (her Father) and ask if he can take a day off work to care for him (if she has an appointment or needs the odd days childcare etc). I work part-time 2 days per week and so I'm much more available to help out. It just seems strange that she doesn't ask me and goes straight to her Dad as it would require him using annual leave whereas I'm pretty flexible and more available.
She doesn't have a good relationship with her Mother unfortunately. We have always got along - we're not particularly close, but I thought she would feel more than comfortable asking if I can help with childcare, as I've always been involved and offered. DH will take a days hol, but then I'm off anyway, so seems odd to me, like I'm looking after him but only because DH is present!

OP posts:

GertrudePerkinsPaperyThing · 04/01/2023 16:01

You’re not being unreasonable but it seems normal to me she would ask her father first, as he’s her father

Calphurnia88 · 04/01/2023 16:02

WB205020 · 04/01/2023 15:56

@prettyrainbows
It seems odd if she said for you to be called Nana not to involve you in helping if you have told her to ask and shown you want too......being called Nana implies there is a closeness / bond with you and her.

The only thing I can thing is it was your / your Dh's idea for you to be called Nana and not hers and she only went along with it to appease your DH / keep you happy.

Who's idea was it for your to be called Nana?

As a child of divorce myself, it can be really awkward to not refer to your parents new spouse as anything other than a grandparent when you have children (even if you don't see them that way yourself). It's also confusing for the child if you don't IMO.

MissyB1 · 04/01/2023 16:06

Your Dh just needs to point her in your direction next time she asks him. It’s ridiculous that she expects him to take time off work.

Everydayimhuffling · 04/01/2023 16:07

OP, please talk to her or get your DH to say he can't do it but you can. That will tell you if she's happy to have you look after her child or not. I would never ask my stepparent to look after my kids, but I am totally happy for them to do so. It just feels cheeky to ask in a way that it doesn't with my parent. You need to know if it is reluctance or awkwardness, and then you can proceed from there.

5128gap · 04/01/2023 16:22

prettyrainbows · 04/01/2023 14:48

That stung a bit. You're probably right though.

Show quote history

It was meant to sting OP. Some people have step mother issues and are projecting, trying to put you in what they think should be your place.
If she didn't want you involved I'm sure you'd not be 'nana' or allowed on days out. Nor would she ask her father for childcare knowing you're part of the package. She may not see you as quite as close as you feel though, and/or might just feel a bit cheeky asking you.
Is it something your husband could ask her, perhaps reiterating your offer to her?

butterpeanut · 04/01/2023 16:37

I have an 18month old son and both mine and my husbands parents are split. For context - My stepmum has been in my life for 20 years and my husbands stepdad has been in his life for 10 years (my mum hasn’t remarried and neither has his dad).

I get on really well with my stepmum but I just wouldn’t ever think to ask her for childcare. She has said before they’re available if ever needed but she has 4 other grandchildren and has a pretty busy life so I just ask my mum or (sometimes my MIL) automatically.. when asking my MIL my husband wouldn’t think to ask his stepdad, they have a father/son relationship tbh (prob better than with his own dad) but neither of us would ask him directly tbh as just wouldn’t think to.

So for me.. it’s not a reflection on the relationship, I just automatically go to someone else. That said.. if my stepmum asked if she could take my DS somewhere or have him over to make cakes etc then I’d absolutely make sure it happened.

Perhaps reiterate to her that you’re available if/when needed but tbh if she has other childcare available then it may just quite simply be she prefers leaving them with that person and that’s really up to her.

SalviaOfficinalis · 04/01/2023 17:03

Alternatively it might be nothing to do with your relationship. She might adore you but thinks you’re rubbish with children (or another valid or in-valid reason).

There’s no way of us knowing unfortunately OP.

When you’re there with your DH do you do most of the childcare? And if so, does she know that?

BunnyBerries · 04/01/2023 17:10

Are you sure it isn't simply that when her son isn't with her, then she wants to give her dad the first option to spend some precious time with him because her son also loves his grandad? That would be my first thought so I wouldn't take that personally.

PrincessNakatomi · 04/01/2023 17:21

I think DH needs to say no, but Nana can help, maybe she will ask me then. I just wish it wasn't under duress, it feels awkward.

I think this is a good approach actually, OP.

Next time she asks and DH is working, he should text her and say ‘I’m working but ask prettyrainbow, maybe she is free as she loves having DGS’.

Then the onus is on DSD to ASK you if she wants to.

If she doesn’t ask you, then just accept it.

What’s not acceptable is IF is pretending her father is caring for DGS when she KNOWS it’s really you doing the legwork.

ChildrenOfTheQuorn · 04/01/2023 17:47

Aw, I have a step-grandma for my little one and the reason I don't directly ask her is because I don't want to appear cheeky / taking the p*ss. Definitely not because I don't want her in my daughters life! You can ask much more of your parents than their partners. Can you just set up a WhatsApp with all three of you for babysitting duties?

Pippa12 · 04/01/2023 17:58

I’m in this exact situation OP, but don’t fear, I love and trust my Dads lovely wife who’s been around for many many years. I just feel super awkward asking her for childcare etc. My Dad would often say I can’t (he’s retired but a very busy social life) but ‘wife’ can, and I’d say great!

I don’t know why I feel funny about asking her, she’s absolutely lovely and we chat with ease. No background bad feelings. It’s definitely me not her!

Try not to take it to heart, ‘step’ family dynamics are always difficult to navigate.

Tallulasdancingshoes · 04/01/2023 18:09

I think she probably feels like it’s cheeky to ask you. Dh and I have been married 13 years and he still asks his mum to have the kids and I ask my mum. I get on fine with my mil (not close, but no problems) but I would feel a weird asking her to have the kids. So I think she probably just feels like she shouldn’t ask.

baublesandbreakdowns · 04/01/2023 18:17

Why can't you or your husband just say to her that she can ask you directly and you'd be happy to help.

Her reaction and whether she then asks you will confirm if this is her feeling awkward about asking you or preferring her dad be there too.

Blondeshavemorefun · 04/01/2023 19:06

Why don't you ask DH to say next time she asks "step-MIL is free and would love to help, and it would save me taking holiday too, what do you think"

...and then you can find out what she thinks. She might not feel comfortable asking you directly and therefore goes to her dad by default. Double check she knows you're happy to help.
*
As above*

LovelyIssues · 09/04/2023 22:15

You sound so lovely OP! I'd welcome a Nana like you. Maybe your DH can speak to her about it.

prescribingmum · 09/04/2023 22:25

How old is the child?

You sound absolutely lovely but she may not be ready yet if still quite young. Keep doing what you are - being around when your husband has him, offering to help whenever and I feel she will start to ask you when she’s ready.

Many new parents are really unsure how to approach this and who to leave children with when it’s their first. Not the same but my mil was very patient when I went through this phase - I knew she was desperate to have DC alone but she didn’t push it further than what I was ready for. I felt more and more comfortable as time went on and wouldn’t think twice for her to have them after our eldest was 1.

If you’re close enough to speak regularly, I wouldn’t take it personally and just wait it out

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