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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to leave DS in bed until midday?

102 replies

BedfordBloo · 04/01/2023 12:39

DS is 3yo and DD is 5mo and they both have chickenpox. They’re miserable, obviously. DH and I both work full-time but DH isn’t able to take time off for childcare or he would - difficult industry/employer. I’m supposed to have started a new job yesterday but, due to the pox, have delayed to start next week (employer is very understanding and, due to the nature of the industry, I’ve worked with them for the last three years so they know me well). The role is very intense anyway and I do feel very much out of my depth so I’ve been doing a lot of prep before starting so I don’t screw it all up.

Anyway, so I’m at home with the DC’s when I should be at work because they’re ill. DD has been awake and mostly screaming, I’ve been feeding her and bouncing her, giving calpol and doing creams etc. DS has been in his bed watching Numberblocks and Alphablocks on a laptop. I’ve offered him food but he’s barely eaten anything, I’ve put creams on him, given calpol and made sure he has his water bottle and is drinking etc. I’m trying to keep the two DCs apart because DD crying isn’t pleasant for DS and trying to get DD to sleep with the TV on is harder. So, DS is largely left to himself except for when I check on him, give him calpol, do creams, taking him to the bathroom etc - but he wouldn’t be happier if I were there. I went to cuddle him when DD fell asleep but he didn’t want to because it was hotter and itchier.

DH just phoned and is annoyed that DS is still in bed and that I haven’t got him up and dressed yet. My plan was for him to just stay in his pjs all day tbh. DH is saying that if I don’t get DS up and tire him out then he won’t sleep tonight and that he’ll be bored and miserable if he’s just watching TV. Like any DC, DS gets ill a lot but this is the first time he’s properly unwell (if that makes sense) - he usually has a runny nose/cough/whatever but carries on happy as anything so I’m not so sure what normally for an ill child.

Is DH right? Should I get him up and do activities with him or just leave him be?

OP posts:
Hugasauras · 04/01/2023 14:46

There’s a reason we don’t have it offered on the NHS

Yes, money. It costs money to a) vaccinate and b)in anti-virals because more adults will get shingles for a couple of generations until CP stops being in general circulation

Sorry, I don't like seeing inaccurate information. There's a reason that so many other countries vaccinate for it as routine and personally I think it's a no-brainer to vaccinate if you can afford it. Sadly DD2 was too young to get done, but DD1 has been exposed multiple times now and never caught it and I'm very glad as it's a nasty illness that can scar.

Hugasauras · 04/01/2023 14:48

www.ox.ac.uk/research/everything-you-need-know-about-chickenpox-and-why-more-countries-don%E2%80%99t-use-vaccine.

'Nevertheless, the burden of severe and life-threatening complications has essentially disappeared in countries where the vaccine is routinely used. The protection from the vaccine does wane over time and some breakthrough cases of chickenpox do occur, particularly among those who only get one dose. However, in those who have been vaccinated, the breakthrough cases are mild.'

Original poster
BedfordBloo · 04/01/2023 14:48

Hugasauras · 04/01/2023 14:46

There’s a reason we don’t have it offered on the NHS

Yes, money. It costs money to a) vaccinate and b)in anti-virals because more adults will get shingles for a couple of generations until CP stops being in general circulation

Sorry, I don't like seeing inaccurate information. There's a reason that so many other countries vaccinate for it as routine and personally I think it's a no-brainer to vaccinate if you can afford it. Sadly DD2 was too young to get done, but DD1 has been exposed multiple times now and never caught it and I'm very glad as it's a nasty illness that can scar.

Your point b is what I said.

OP posts:
Greyarea12 · 04/01/2023 14:53

BedfordBloo · 04/01/2023 12:50

Honestly, DH absolutely would be up and about when he’s ill and it causes him horrendous burn out. He was really unwell with covid but he practically renovated our entire house in two weeks so he might be a muppet (definitely is) but he’s not being a hypocrite. He also really would cover the childcare if he could but he’s on a FTC (standard in his role) and they’ve already said that it won’t be renewed if he takes a day off for childcare after he took one back in November. We both agree that his employer is being a dick on this but he doesn’t work with the decision maker on a day-to-day basis and this job is the first time he’s actually enjoyed him workplace and colleagues in the whole time I’ve known him. So that just sucks.

Your husband is entitled to take time off for children who are ill where there should be no consequences.

www.gov.uk/time-off-for-dependants

In regards to you getting your son up, no, leave him be. If he wants to get up and about and play, he will let you know.

Original poster
BedfordBloo · 04/01/2023 14:54

Greyarea12 · 04/01/2023 14:53

Your husband is entitled to take time off for children who are ill where there should be no consequences.

www.gov.uk/time-off-for-dependants

In regards to you getting your son up, no, leave him be. If he wants to get up and about and play, he will let you know.

Show quote history

You’re absolutely right that he’s entitled to the time off but, unfortunately, they’re entitled to not renew his contract if he does.

OP posts:
Hugasauras · 04/01/2023 15:02

Your point b was about CP, not shingles. They are different things. Evidence is that breakthrough cases of CP in vaccinated people, even in adults, are mild.

Children with CP act as a booster for adults to reduce the incidences of shingles (which you can only get if you've had CP). The cost to the NHS of increased treatment for adults with shingles is why they don't vaccinate for CP, but there's an ethical argument about using/risking children's health to reduce shingles cases for adults v a couple of generations of higher shingles occurrences before CP stops being in general circulation, as in the many countries who vaccinate, and reducing CP deaths and other unpleasant long lasting effects in children.

Hugasauras · 04/01/2023 15:02

But anyway absolutely your choice not to vaccinate, just as long as you understand the information you are reading! Your comment just made me think you hadn't quite grasped it.

BellePeppa · 04/01/2023 15:10

Your oh doesn’t sound like a very nice
man. Bully for him renovating a house when he’s ill, it doesn’t make him something special.

WedonttalkaboutMaureen · 04/01/2023 15:18

Remaker · 04/01/2023 12:51

Your DH wants you to ‘tire out’ a sick child? Let me guess, because his main concern is your DS might disturb his (DH’s) precious rest tonight? What a selfish arse wanting a sick child to run around for his convenience. He clearly has no idea.

This was exactly what I was thinking. You're the best judge OP as you are actually there. DH can go jump.

Beseen22 · 04/01/2023 15:20

His immune system is fighting its first big battle if he's never been sick before...no wonder he's taken to his bed. My DS3 has only been sick a couple times and both times he has been floored unlike his big brother who was exposed to so much more because he wasn't a covid baby. Your DH needs to value the importance of rest, all his energy is going towards fighting the chicken pox virus. The only thing I would change is bring him down to the sofa with his blanket, I like to have my kids close to hand when they are sick. In a few days he will be running about fine and eating everything in sight.

Have you tried putting oatmeal in a tied sock and putting it in his bath? It's pretty effective for the itch. Hope he's much better soon.

prettybluebell · 04/01/2023 15:30

Leave him in bed with his computer. He is unwell and comfortable where he is. No point in making him get up and making the day harder for both of you. Spending the day in bed relaxing is exactly what he needs. Just make sure he has plenty to drink and keep offering him something to eat. You are doing the right thing.

Pearsandclocks · 04/01/2023 15:32

What?! Staying in bed all day is the only perk of being ill. Your husband us a dick.

Blanketpolicy · 04/01/2023 15:37

Never heard of calamine lotion in the bath. It is still drying and I thought you were not supposed to get it in near sensitive areas. Try a bicarb of soda (the stuff you use for baking - put in a whole tub) bath, that gave ds the most relief.

We didn't need the cream, which can be awkward to apply when they get crusty after the bath.

Maytodecember · 04/01/2023 15:39

Wait until the next time your DH is ill, even a really bad hangover will do, then tell him you’ve planned 5 mile run followed by open water swimming, he’ll feel better for getting out of bed.

IsItThough · 04/01/2023 15:44

YANBU, whoever is parenting makes the decisions
DH is just thinking about what will inconvenience him less, not what is best for DS, which having him in front of you you are best to judge

Oh btw - best for itching is bicarb - half a pot in a bath - waaaay better than calamine

Original poster
BedfordBloo · 04/01/2023 15:49

Maytodecember · 04/01/2023 15:39

Wait until the next time your DH is ill, even a really bad hangover will do, then tell him you’ve planned 5 mile run followed by open water swimming, he’ll feel better for getting out of bed.

He doesn't drink but, truthfully, he absolutely would do it. He's a workhorse and feels rubbish if he's sat still.

OP posts:
Original poster
BedfordBloo · 04/01/2023 15:50

Thanks for the messages - I'll try bicarb. I'd heard of the oats thing but not putting it into a sock - I've been putting it straight in the water like a big vat of porridge!

OP posts:
purplemama1990 · 04/01/2023 16:05

Toddlers don't usually willingly sit down for that long. If your DS had the energy to get up and be running around to "tire himself out" then he would be, even if it's just the tiniest bit of energy! He obviously needs the rest. Would you tell an adult who is unwell to just get up and tire themselves out? You'd tell them to rest as much as possible if they can. He'll only get worse if you force him to move around when his body so obviously needs rest.

Notplayingball · 04/01/2023 17:07

They tend to sleep longer when they are unwell anyway. A nice bath would be great for them both, clean PJs.

Keep it low key since you are doing it all alone.

GrinAndVomit · 04/01/2023 17:23

Hugasauras · 04/01/2023 15:02

But anyway absolutely your choice not to vaccinate, just as long as you understand the information you are reading! Your comment just made me think you hadn't quite grasped it.

And your comments seem like you haven’t quite grasped the OP.
Both her children have chicken pox. Why would she vaccinate them now?

Kokeshi123 · 05/01/2023 02:12

A quick look at PubMed will show that among countries which have rolled out the chickenpox vaccine (a couple of decades ago!), the much vaunted increase in shingles in the elderly has not occurred. And as mentioned above, no, the vaccine does not completely stop you catching it at any age, but it ensure you will get at most a super mild case.

The real reason why the UK does not do chickenpox vaccine (and is now an outlier among developed countries for not doing so) is because of the Wakefield scandal. The UK was all ready to roll out MMRV (measles, mumps, rubella and varicella, ie CP) on the eve of the Wakefield scandal; then the scandal broke. It was decided that given the way MMR rates were tumbling, it was simply too risky to add another disease-protection to this vaccine, and the plans were shelved. Offering separate chickenpox vaccine was ruled to be too expensive.

And so we have the ludicrous situation in the UK, where parents are simultaneously told that "We need children to have chickenpox so that they can serve as viral vectors to spread the disease around, because spreading the virus around is important!" AND at the same time "If your child has chickenpox, you need to isolate them at home so that you don't spread it around!" Er, which is it, please? Are we supposed to spread this virus around, or not? And how does the UK explain the fact that most other developed countries vaccine against this disease and have done so for about 20 years and have not seen any of the issues that keep being cited as justifications for the lack of vaccine?

I live outside the UK, and the UK population's blindness on this issue, and the tacit acceptance of the inconsistent and illogical advice that is given about chickenpox and isolation, is just bizarre to watch.

Hugasauras · 05/01/2023 02:30

@GrinAndVomit The OP wrote a comment about vaccination I was replying to. Perhaps you missed it.

healthadvice123 · 05/01/2023 02:42

Tell your dh to come home and look after him if he knows better
Why get him dressed when he is unwell

kateandme · 05/01/2023 03:05

Ffks why is there this need for kids to need constant "doing" activities.
I have All healthy siblings and friends .all very well minded rolemodels.good jobs.and even when not ill we would have pj days.
Had loving parents.
Sat in front of tv after school and goodness gracious sometimes all of Saturday!
Oh god and let's not start on snacking whilst watching 😊

musingsinmidlife · 05/01/2023 04:37

Is your DS in a crib or in a bed he can get out of himself?

I would be a little concerned if DH was home with the kids who were sick and he said he had left them in bed all day and they hadn’t had anything to eat.

I would bring DS to the couch so he is near me. I probably wouldn’t just leave a sick 3 year old alone in his room for the day. I want to know if he is sick to his stomach and I want him to drink fluids and I want to be in contact with him throughout the day.