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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to leave DS in bed until midday?

102 replies

BedfordBloo · 04/01/2023 12:39

DS is 3yo and DD is 5mo and they both have chickenpox. They’re miserable, obviously. DH and I both work full-time but DH isn’t able to take time off for childcare or he would - difficult industry/employer. I’m supposed to have started a new job yesterday but, due to the pox, have delayed to start next week (employer is very understanding and, due to the nature of the industry, I’ve worked with them for the last three years so they know me well). The role is very intense anyway and I do feel very much out of my depth so I’ve been doing a lot of prep before starting so I don’t screw it all up.

Anyway, so I’m at home with the DC’s when I should be at work because they’re ill. DD has been awake and mostly screaming, I’ve been feeding her and bouncing her, giving calpol and doing creams etc. DS has been in his bed watching Numberblocks and Alphablocks on a laptop. I’ve offered him food but he’s barely eaten anything, I’ve put creams on him, given calpol and made sure he has his water bottle and is drinking etc. I’m trying to keep the two DCs apart because DD crying isn’t pleasant for DS and trying to get DD to sleep with the TV on is harder. So, DS is largely left to himself except for when I check on him, give him calpol, do creams, taking him to the bathroom etc - but he wouldn’t be happier if I were there. I went to cuddle him when DD fell asleep but he didn’t want to because it was hotter and itchier.

DH just phoned and is annoyed that DS is still in bed and that I haven’t got him up and dressed yet. My plan was for him to just stay in his pjs all day tbh. DH is saying that if I don’t get DS up and tire him out then he won’t sleep tonight and that he’ll be bored and miserable if he’s just watching TV. Like any DC, DS gets ill a lot but this is the first time he’s properly unwell (if that makes sense) - he usually has a runny nose/cough/whatever but carries on happy as anything so I’m not so sure what normally for an ill child.

Is DH right? Should I get him up and do activities with him or just leave him be?

OP posts:
unicornflakegirl · 04/01/2023 13:06

DH sounds like an idiot. He doesn't get to dictate (and he's wrong, bed is good for a sick kid).
If he wants to be stupid and do extra when he's ill, that's up to him if he's si gle. If he is part of a family unit he needs to do what works best for the unit.

Incidentally I'm in Spain and kids get vaccinated against chicken pox, I had the vaccine myself before TTC as I hadn't had chicken pox myself.

TheodoreMortlock · 04/01/2023 13:12

He'll be tired out from the chickenpox, he doesn't need tiring out with a run round the park like he would when he's well.

When mine is really unwell I transfer her from bed to sofa but she does get to stay in PJs all day and watch TV if that's all she's up to doing. If she wants to be up and active that's a sign that she's better!

GrinAndVomit · 04/01/2023 13:13

When my daughter had chicken pox, she had 15 spots that didn’t itch and was running around like a mad woman.
Shes had other viruses that have flattened her and she’s been unable to get out of bed.
You can’t keep a three year old in bed if they feel fine.
He’s in bed because that’s where he needs to be. His body is telling him to rest. His dad is a nob.

pizzaHeart · 04/01/2023 13:14

I think it’s much more sensible to stay in comfy pjs while you all are itchy. Your son is trying to distract himself and doing a great job for 3 years old. You’ve got ill toddler and a baby, he should be thankful that you three are managing fine.
in a way I can see his concern about going to sleep, but it’s minor issue.

Crunchymum · 04/01/2023 13:14

Sick children rest, they don't need to be up and dressed (and they certainly don't need to be tired out). You sound like a competent enough human being, surely you have the common sense to know this. You don't need to have had a poorly child before to know what a poorly child needs.

bumpytrumpy · 04/01/2023 13:17

ArseInTheCoOpWindow · 04/01/2023 12:41

Tell him to Fuck off unless he’d like to take time off from HIs Very Important Job.

This.

What a twat.

mymeatballsmymeatballs · 04/01/2023 13:19

What the actual fuck? My 4 yo had pox recently and he wasn't even that ill. Just tired and a bit frustrated. I didn't get him doing any activities at all! When you're ill, you just want to rest and that's no different just because they're kids.

tattygrl · 04/01/2023 13:22

BedfordBloo · 04/01/2023 12:50

Honestly, DH absolutely would be up and about when he’s ill and it causes him horrendous burn out. He was really unwell with covid but he practically renovated our entire house in two weeks so he might be a muppet (definitely is) but he’s not being a hypocrite. He also really would cover the childcare if he could but he’s on a FTC (standard in his role) and they’ve already said that it won’t be renewed if he takes a day off for childcare after he took one back in November. We both agree that his employer is being a dick on this but he doesn’t work with the decision maker on a day-to-day basis and this job is the first time he’s actually enjoyed him workplace and colleagues in the whole time I’ve known him. So that just sucks.

It is indeed valuable and important that your DH is in a job he enjoys for the first time; however, it is your willingness to be flexible with your own work and time that is allowing him to maintain his employment right now. As such, he needs to butt out and stop commenting from afar on what you should be doing with two very sick, very young children all day. You're currently supporting (more accurately, completely enabling) his career, AND doing the bulk of childcare. This while mentally preparing to start a new role in your own career.

You aren't being unreasonable at all. What adult doesn't have memories of being in bed all day, sometimes for many days at a time, while sick as a young child? This is totally normal OP, and you don't need to doubt what you're doing.

Spiderboy · 04/01/2023 13:22

Do you really need to ask if leaving a poorly child in bed is okay? Really? Your OH is an arse

Mrsjayy · 04/01/2023 13:24

Your husband is an arsehole I'm sorry he is unsympathetic and unrealistic the kids are ill but yeah get him up and dressed. ARSEHOLE!

tattygrl · 04/01/2023 13:25

I also think it is very important that you model to your children what the appropriate thing to do is when you're poorly: rest, look after yourself and get better. NOT what your OH seems to think is appropriate, which is apparently ignore his own health and act as if he's not ill at all when he is. That's really not what you want your kids growing up thinking is normal.

Original poster
BedfordBloo · 04/01/2023 13:26

tattygrl · 04/01/2023 13:22

It is indeed valuable and important that your DH is in a job he enjoys for the first time; however, it is your willingness to be flexible with your own work and time that is allowing him to maintain his employment right now. As such, he needs to butt out and stop commenting from afar on what you should be doing with two very sick, very young children all day. You're currently supporting (more accurately, completely enabling) his career, AND doing the bulk of childcare. This while mentally preparing to start a new role in your own career.

You aren't being unreasonable at all. What adult doesn't have memories of being in bed all day, sometimes for many days at a time, while sick as a young child? This is totally normal OP, and you don't need to doubt what you're doing.

Show quote history

That last paragraph was my thought but then I realised it wasn’t for me. DM is an estate agent and, whenever I was sick as a child, I went to work with her - I stayed in her office all day playing solitaire on the computer or reading etc and, if she had a viewing, I sat in the car. So, that made me question whether I’d only seen it in films/TV and it wasn’t actually normal. He’s always been up and about when he’s had other illnesses. So I just wasn’t really sure.

OP posts:
EilonwyWithRedGoldHair · 04/01/2023 13:26

With my DS it would have been impossible to keep him quietly in bed at that age unless he was feeling ill enough to not want to do anything else, so if he's happy to stay in bed he's probably feeling rough enough that it's the right thing for him.

NinjaWarriorCooker · 04/01/2023 13:27

ArseInTheCoOpWindow · 04/01/2023 12:41

Tell him to Fuck off unless he’d like to take time off from HIs Very Important Job.

Sorted!

tattygrl · 04/01/2023 13:29

BedfordBloo · 04/01/2023 13:26

That last paragraph was my thought but then I realised it wasn’t for me. DM is an estate agent and, whenever I was sick as a child, I went to work with her - I stayed in her office all day playing solitaire on the computer or reading etc and, if she had a viewing, I sat in the car. So, that made me question whether I’d only seen it in films/TV and it wasn’t actually normal. He’s always been up and about when he’s had other illnesses. So I just wasn’t really sure.

Show quote history

You're quite right of course that the experience of resting in bed as a child isn't actually universal: everyone has different experiences and I was fortunate to grow up with parents who emphasised self care and were able to have me home in bed when I was poorly. It's also normal to question ourselves. Be assured, though, that your instincts with your DS are good. Rest, rest and more rest!

Goodgrief82 · 04/01/2023 13:30

BedfordBloo · 04/01/2023 13:00

Probably, yes. I haven’t had a child who’s actually unwell before. If the consensus of people who have is that it’s in their best interests to get up and about then I’d believe them. In general, if other people have experienced something that I haven’t and they (in consensus) give advice on that thing, I trust their advice. I obviously wouldn’t have him running marathons or out at Tesco licking food produce but I’d have got him out of bed and dressed.

Show quote history

Op

YOU are his mother
He is in front of YOU
YOU know your son

It is pretty disturbing to think that you’d go against your direct knowledge plus your own instinct to follow a bunch of strangers

Catterpillarwithconverse · 04/01/2023 13:30

Your DH sounds like a twat and you sound a bit spinless, why are you letting him doubt you like that? I hope its not because he has worn you down over they years. Why would he know better when he's not even there? Why would you trust MN so much? Trust yourself.

ginnybag · 04/01/2023 13:33

OP, he's three.

If he didn't want to be in bed, he wouldn't be. The fact that he is, is a good sign that he needs to be.

You can't leave the house with them until the spots have crusted over, so enjoy the calm before the storm. You'll have a hyper cooped-up kid to entertain soon enough.

Soubriquet · 04/01/2023 13:33

Leave him where he’s happy. Dh is being an arse.

Side note though, I thought we weren’t supposed to calomine lotion anymore because it dries the spots out which makes them itch more?

Original poster
BedfordBloo · 04/01/2023 13:36

Soubriquet · 04/01/2023 13:33

Leave him where he’s happy. Dh is being an arse.

Side note though, I thought we weren’t supposed to calomine lotion anymore because it dries the spots out which makes them itch more?

I spoke to a pharmacist yesterday and they recommended calamine lotion for baths but two different creams for the spots themselves. She said one helps with the itching and the other is cooking and helps with that so I just bought what she recommended and have been using it.

OP posts:
Soubriquet · 04/01/2023 13:38

Fair enough. It’s been a few years for me since my kids had the pox. Ds got them really bad when he was 2 and needed antibiotics as it got infected. He’s 7 (nearly 8) now and still has a couple of scars.

I hope both kids get well soon though OP.

Dd was fine with them. She had a few spots and that was it. She was her normal self. She was 4. Ds was utterly miserable

Mrsjayy · 04/01/2023 13:39

I think you can still use calamine lotion/cream on the spots.

Soubriquet · 04/01/2023 13:39

He even had them on his tongue Sad

Original poster
BedfordBloo · 04/01/2023 13:40

Soubriquet · 04/01/2023 13:38

Fair enough. It’s been a few years for me since my kids had the pox. Ds got them really bad when he was 2 and needed antibiotics as it got infected. He’s 7 (nearly 8) now and still has a couple of scars.

I hope both kids get well soon though OP.

Dd was fine with them. She had a few spots and that was it. She was her normal self. She was 4. Ds was utterly miserable

It’s really taken me by surprise how unwell DS is with it. He’s normally so well.

OP posts:
Mrsjayy · 04/01/2023 13:41

Poor baby look at his tongue. My youngest got CP at 19 she had them everywhere and was really ill with it.