AITA? - relationship drama

58 replies

NewHereAndNoKids · 04/01/2023 12:36

Sorry for a long message!

My 3.5yr long relationship is under a lot of stress because my boyfriend feels like I don’t accept his 17yr old daughter. I myself have never had kids of my own (Im 26, my bf 56). I don’t feel like I can be her stepmom and this “modern family” is not something I ever thought of (when I met him first time his kid lived with her mum in another country so I wasn’t worried, however soon after she decided she wants to be with dad). He had to spend a lot of the time with his daughter due to his horrific divorce, and later support her when she moved to another school (she’s in boarding now). So from the beginning I felt I’m a second priority in his life as his daughter needed a lot of support and divorce took most of his time and attention (we had to have a long distance relationship due to these issues).

Im quite young, we met when I was 23, so whenever I had shown my upset about the fact that we don’t spend time together (whole summer he didn’t leave her alone for even one night), he would get really upset with me. Even though I have grown a lot in the past 3yrs, I still sometimes feel resentment and upset. So the other day when he was speaking to her on the phone it bugged me but I didn’t say anything and I don’t usually, I’m always nice to her, buy her bday/xmas presents etc (and I understand it’s not a healthy reaction and I’ve asked my bf for more time to figure it out), but he got really upset saying I still can’t accept his daughter. It’s day 6 and we still don’t talk..

He always adds that he has a great relationship with my family (I also have a great relationship with his parents, but I guess that doesn’t matter to him).

Please AITA?

OP posts:

IAmWomanHearMeRoar1 · 05/01/2023 09:19

*my DSD , not DSS.

SeeTheWorldAnotherWay · 27/10/2023 22:39

Goodgrief82 · 04/01/2023 12:38

So from the beginning I felt I’m a second priority in his life

and you always will be if he’s any kind of decent father

This.

Inkyblue123 · 27/10/2023 22:48

You will never be #1 to him. There is a lid for every pot; you are not the right fit for each other. Move on and find someone else, preferably closer to your own age.

Mischance · 27/10/2023 22:53

You are too young to be stepmother to a 17 year old - I think you know this - and your relationship with her is bound to be a bit strange.

At your age you want to be the most important person in your lover's life - and you are not, and cannot be.

You might be happier in a different relationship with a younger person.

verifyme · 27/10/2023 22:57

Why are PP saying that "his DD will always be the number one priority"?

There is nothing in this post that suggests that the DD has ever been prioritised which is very sad.

Can we stop with ageism though -you can have a relationship with a person who is 20+ years older and has a mature outlook on life and (if it applies) still love their DC as much as the love their new partner.

TeenLifeMum · 27/10/2023 22:58

So 3.5 years ago she was 13.5 years old? Yes, you do spend lots of time with them at that age. You sound very naive and immature. My dd is 15 (almost 16) and not into going out with friends lots, she’d rather hang with me and dh.

determinedtomakethiswork · 27/10/2023 23:21

NewHereAndNoKids · 04/01/2023 12:39

Sorry my boyfriend is not 56, that was a typo!! He’s 46

TBH, it's not much better

Onabench · 27/10/2023 23:28

YABU. His daughter is his priority. It should be. If she wasn’t, it would be a red flag. You not liking it, is a red flag. The reason it is so uncomfortable is the age difference. You don’t want to be second best to a child, when you’ve never had kids. You are in different stages. Leave

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