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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

AITA? - relationship drama

58 replies

NewHereAndNoKids · 04/01/2023 12:36

Sorry for a long message!

My 3.5yr long relationship is under a lot of stress because my boyfriend feels like I don’t accept his 17yr old daughter. I myself have never had kids of my own (Im 26, my bf 56). I don’t feel like I can be her stepmom and this “modern family” is not something I ever thought of (when I met him first time his kid lived with her mum in another country so I wasn’t worried, however soon after she decided she wants to be with dad). He had to spend a lot of the time with his daughter due to his horrific divorce, and later support her when she moved to another school (she’s in boarding now). So from the beginning I felt I’m a second priority in his life as his daughter needed a lot of support and divorce took most of his time and attention (we had to have a long distance relationship due to these issues).

Im quite young, we met when I was 23, so whenever I had shown my upset about the fact that we don’t spend time together (whole summer he didn’t leave her alone for even one night), he would get really upset with me. Even though I have grown a lot in the past 3yrs, I still sometimes feel resentment and upset. So the other day when he was speaking to her on the phone it bugged me but I didn’t say anything and I don’t usually, I’m always nice to her, buy her bday/xmas presents etc (and I understand it’s not a healthy reaction and I’ve asked my bf for more time to figure it out), but he got really upset saying I still can’t accept his daughter. It’s day 6 and we still don’t talk..

He always adds that he has a great relationship with my family (I also have a great relationship with his parents, but I guess that doesn’t matter to him).

Please AITA?

OP posts:

Goodgrief82 · 04/01/2023 12:38

So from the beginning I felt I’m a second priority in his life

and you always will be if he’s any kind of decent father

Original poster

NewHereAndNoKids · 04/01/2023 12:39

Sorry my boyfriend is not 56, that was a typo!! He’s 46

OP posts:

NeverGonnaNot · 04/01/2023 12:39

It doesn’t sound like the right relationship for you. Even if he’s 46 that’s a big age gap.

whitebreadjamsandwich · 04/01/2023 12:40

You are his second priority. As it should be. You're a woman 30 years his junior who he has a LDR with. Dump him, move on and find someone nearer your own age, who is on the same page as you in terms of where they want to be in life

chipsandpeas · 04/01/2023 12:40

your 26, your not that young

and YABU - he has a child who has to be his top priority, if you want to be someones No1 priority then leave and find someone without kids and dont have any kids yourself since you want to be someones top priority

Goodgrief82 · 04/01/2023 12:41

She’s at boarding school Op. correct?

Menomenon · 04/01/2023 12:42

YABU but it isnt really about reason, it’s about age’n’stage and your denial that it has an impact.

And ewwwwww to either of my parents sleeping with someone who was closer in age to me.

WhenDovesFly · 04/01/2023 12:52

You're young OP and don't have your own children, so maybe you don't appreciate the strength of the parent/child relationship. Of course you're not his top priority, and never will be. Why were you annoyed that he was on the phone to his daughter?

From what you've written I don't think this relationship will last. You sound a bit immature, but given your bf is dating someone young enough to be his daughter, maybe he should show a bit of understanding and not give you the silent treatment for 6 days.

Lastly, I'm sure someone else will also point it out, but MN has different acronyms to Reddit. We prefer to use AIBU (am I being unreasonable?) All the acronyms get easier the more you see them .

EndlessRain1 · 04/01/2023 12:53

You were annoyed he was talking to his daughter on the phone? Yes, YABU (or on your reddit world, YATA)

GreenManalishi · 04/01/2023 12:54

He was speaking to her on the phone and it bugged you, can you explain this in more detail? Why would that be the case?

It doesn't matter how old you are, despite the fact that whether you like it or not this behemoth age gap is a factor and always will be, if you enter into a relationship with someone with a child you have to accept that that relationship is primary. You will always have to negotiate that relationship, and accept it for what it is. It's not going to go away, even if she has been packed off to boarding school, she's still his number one and that's the way it should be.

he got really upset saying I still can’t accept his daughter

Birthday and Christmas presents aren't accepting his daughter, they're a sticking plaster. You need to be really honest with yourself and work out if this is a relationship that you want to remain in, given that you're more akin in age to sisters than any kind of mother role. Are you envious of her? Do you feel resentment? Only you know the answer to this and if it's yes, then you need to leave them to it.

BedfordBloo · 04/01/2023 12:56

Yes, you’re not a priority and you shouldn’t be. You’re not that young. We’re the same age. This relationship is over and it should be. You should find someone who doesn’t have children if you expect them to drop their children for you.

Goodgrief82 · 04/01/2023 12:57

Oh I hope this chap wises up soon and finishes with the OP.

Tannedandfake · 04/01/2023 12:59

How did you meet your boyfriend? If the DD is at boarding school, surely this leaves you and ur BF to have plenty of time together, bar holidays?

Sunnytwobridges · 04/01/2023 12:59

There’s no way I would’ve dated a man that much older al who had a kid. You’re young go find someone without children. You’re always going to feel second best to his daughter no matter what he does.

RobertsRadio · 04/01/2023 13:01

What on earth attracts you to a 46yr old man with a 17yr old daughter?

LifesNotEnidBlyton · 04/01/2023 13:03

It doesn't sound like this is the relationship for you. That's not becuase of the age gap either. It's because you sound quite young for your age and like you haven't really thought this through.

He had a 13 or 14 YO child when you got together. While she didn't live with him at that time when you get into any relationship where the person has children you need to understand that at any time that child can move in with that parent. So if that isn't something, however unlikely it seems, you are up for then it's not a good idea. It seems like you just went into the relationship thinkingbecause she lived abroad she'd stay there and wouldn't really be in your life. But she is his child. She is still literally a child until she's 18. So she is going to come first for him.

As well as this she doesn't even live with him, or you. So you don't even have to see her much. Yet him talking to her on the phone is annoying for you. What do you imagine it will be like when and if she moves back home?

It's understandable at your age that you don't want to be a step mother to a 17 YO girl. But when that's the scenario you get yourself into, where someone has a child and you're their partner, you can't then say you don't like it and want it to go away. Your choices are to live with it how it is, or leave the relationship. No-one is asking you to be a mother to a teenager less than a decade your junior. But if you're going to be in a relationship with her father you do need to accept that she is there to stay, and you won't ever be as important as she is to him.

Do you want children yourself some day? This is one of the most important questions to ask in an age gap (or indeed any) relationship. Because if you do, or if you even might do, you need to know whether he wants more kids. Then if he does you'll need to think about how you'll feel about his by then adult daughter still being as important to him as any children you have together. Then about how it will work practically.

Crazyinlove123 · 04/01/2023 13:04

RobertsRadio · 04/01/2023 13:01

What on earth attracts you to a 46yr old man with a 17yr old daughter?

I am assuming the guy is rich

Bobbins36 · 04/01/2023 13:04

People’s kids are their priority OP not their way too young girlfriends who thought they would ignore the kid’s existence on the basis they lived in another country.

in answer to your AITA question - yes.

Georgeskitchen · 04/01/2023 13:04

Tbh you need a different relationship. One without a huge age gap and a teenage daughter. Of course his daughter needs her dad's support at 17

SDTGisAnEvilWolefGenius · 04/01/2023 13:08

Look at it this way, @NewHereAndNoKids - would you think he was a decent person if he didn't give his child the help and support she needs?

Of course his child must be his first priority - and it shows he is a good person and a good father that he is putting her first. You need to understand that this is what you are taking on, when you have a relationship with someone who already has a child. Children are not disposable or part time commitments - I wouldn't want a relationship with someone who put his own sex life/relationship above his child's needs.

Pixiedust1234 · 04/01/2023 13:10

You aren't important enough, and never will be. You are someone who he picks up and drops at his leisure and its not a pleasant way for you to live, it will destroy your self worth in the end. Its time to let him go.

Beamur · 04/01/2023 13:11

It's not unreasonable to feel that the dynamics have shifted here.
But, I say this kindly, a parent should prioritise their child (even when they're not little any more) to some degree over a GF.
You don't have to be a stepmum here and given the closeness of your ages that would be a bit weird anyway. You just have to be kind and reasonable.
I'm not sure your DP is a keeper though. He isn't terribly considerate of your feelings.

KillingLoneliness · 04/01/2023 13:13

Unfortunately YABU, you will always be second and that’s how it should be, children will always be the priority in a parents life.
You are going to have to accept her and that he will choose to spend his time with her over you.
I have to agree with others and would think you are better off finding someone closer to your own age with no children involved.

ShimmeringShirts · 04/01/2023 13:24

Of course your second priority, you absolutely should be. Any parent worth their salt isn’t about to put their new partner above their child, really shocked you’d expect him to do that.

Sounds like this isn’t the relationship for you, you’re quite mentally immature and bothered by the fact that he’d be talking on the phone to his child. Perhaps leave and find a relationship with someone who doesn’t have children.

PinkiOcelot · 04/01/2023 13:27

Is he rich?

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