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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

AITA? - relationship drama

58 replies

NewHereAndNoKids · 04/01/2023 12:36

Sorry for a long message!

My 3.5yr long relationship is under a lot of stress because my boyfriend feels like I don’t accept his 17yr old daughter. I myself have never had kids of my own (Im 26, my bf 56). I don’t feel like I can be her stepmom and this “modern family” is not something I ever thought of (when I met him first time his kid lived with her mum in another country so I wasn’t worried, however soon after she decided she wants to be with dad). He had to spend a lot of the time with his daughter due to his horrific divorce, and later support her when she moved to another school (she’s in boarding now). So from the beginning I felt I’m a second priority in his life as his daughter needed a lot of support and divorce took most of his time and attention (we had to have a long distance relationship due to these issues).

Im quite young, we met when I was 23, so whenever I had shown my upset about the fact that we don’t spend time together (whole summer he didn’t leave her alone for even one night), he would get really upset with me. Even though I have grown a lot in the past 3yrs, I still sometimes feel resentment and upset. So the other day when he was speaking to her on the phone it bugged me but I didn’t say anything and I don’t usually, I’m always nice to her, buy her bday/xmas presents etc (and I understand it’s not a healthy reaction and I’ve asked my bf for more time to figure it out), but he got really upset saying I still can’t accept his daughter. It’s day 6 and we still don’t talk..

He always adds that he has a great relationship with my family (I also have a great relationship with his parents, but I guess that doesn’t matter to him).

Please AITA?

OP posts:

londonrach · 04/01/2023 13:30

Yabu. His child will always be his number one and this will never ever change and shouldn't. I'd ran from any man who doesn't make his child number one priority.

krustykittens · 04/01/2023 13:42

You are jealous of his child, a child you hoped would have no impact on your lives as she lived abroad. This relationship is not for you, OP. Find someone your own age and build a life together, rather than trying to fit into someone else's.

CatJumperTwat · 04/01/2023 13:47

YATA

ThinWomansBrain · 04/01/2023 13:55

Sounds like he needed young eye candy to piss off the ex-wife - or soon to be ex wife as divorce not finalised when you first got together.
Probably time for each of you to grow up.

Aftersevens · 04/01/2023 14:05

YABU Sorry. You’re 26, an adult and his girlfriend. She’s 17, a child and his daughter. Of course he should prioritise her.

Fuckstix · 04/01/2023 14:10

Sorry but YABU. You are his second priority and that's correct. His daughter is at a tricky age (tbh all of childhood and adolescence is a tricky age in terms of needing attention and stability). She has also weathered her parents' divorce so needs more reassurance. If this is making you uncomfortable then I think this may not be the tight relationship for you. Nothing wrong with you per se. It's a lot, more than you first bargained for and you don't have the equivalent life experience to handle the emotions involved as well as not being the priority. Why not find someone closer to your own age who is all about you? No criticism.

Goodgrief82 · 04/01/2023 14:20

Op won’t be back.
no one told her what she wanted to hear

Scout2016 · 04/01/2023 14:25

She's had her parents divorce, moved schools and countries and been packed off to boarding school. Why is she in boarding school, how is that supporting her and how will that help her with her losses and the moves and separations?

Anyway, as you say, this isn't what you signed up for or envisaged when you got together and you don't like it now it's happening so you need to separate.
I agree with others, of course she should come first. If you can't stomach it while she's a child it's only going to get worse when she's an adult.

Coffeellama · 04/01/2023 14:25

YABU, obviously the girlfriend will never be priority over the kid. So when he was having his child at 29, you were 9 years old in primary school… I bet for him it’s like trying to ref between 2 squabbling sisters.

Thoughtful2355 · 04/01/2023 14:25

sorry but Kids will ALWAYS be the priority even when that Kid is 30/40/50 etc she will always come first. As she should. If you arnt happy with that then leave for someone without kids.

AcrossthePond55 · 04/01/2023 14:26

You need to end the relationship. There's nothing wrong with not wanting to be a step-mum. But there is something wrong with expecting one's partner not to be a parent (ie putting their DC first). His DD is and always will be his 1st priority. Nothing wrong with that. But it would be wrong of you to stay and resent the child or be unhappy because you aren't first priority.

There's nothing wrong with choosing to not get involved with men who already have children because that isn't the life you want right now. I wouldn't date men with DC back in the day simply because I didn't want to 'share' and I wasn't ready to be a mum, to anyone.

Fireflygal · 04/01/2023 14:32

Why are you in this relationship? You deserve more. This man isn't your future.

When you are late 40s he will be nearly 70. It won't work...something odd about a man choosing a gf close to his daughters age

Iwonder08 · 04/01/2023 14:33

You should run away as fast as you can and perhaps look into why you are in relationship with the middle aged man.
There are so many wonderful things in life to experience. You shouldn't settle for being a step mum for someone almost in the same age group as you. Your partner is a dirty old man.

DuchessofSandwich · 04/01/2023 14:36

Of course his child has more priority than you, why on earth would you think it otherwise?

Herejustforthisone · 04/01/2023 14:44

Find someone closer to your age who does not have children. It’ll be so much easier. This relationship is destined to fail.

GoAgainstNicki · 04/01/2023 16:56

RobertsRadio · 04/01/2023 13:01

What on earth attracts you to a 46yr old man with a 17yr old daughter?

This is a great question.

I’m 23. You’re three years old than me. There are PLENTY of people our age who don’t have kids. You’re never going to be his top priority if he has kids. You sound quite whiny when you say he was on the phone to his daughter and that annoyed you. Maybe you need to go and find someone else to be with?

I’m guessing there’s a reason why you’re with him, maybe wealth/money/status. It’s not worth it if you can’t stand the fact that he has a teenage daughter who he’ll always put first.

Also how do you date someone who has a child 9 years younger than you??

TheDuck2018 · 04/01/2023 17:05

Off topic, but what does AITA mean?

CatJumperTwat · 04/01/2023 17:08

TheDuck2018 · 04/01/2023 17:05

Off topic, but what does AITA mean?

Am I The A(rse)sshole

AuntMarysPinny · 04/01/2023 17:10

Did you get lost on your way to reddit? This is AIBU not AITA.

I'm surprised it wasn't the daughter bugging out considering you're closer in age to her than her father. The bind is that if he's a decent man he will always put his daughter first, and if he's not then you shouldn't be in a relationship anyway. I'm presuming he provides something missing in your life (father figure and/financial security) but you're both clearly incompatible.

TheDuck2018 · 04/01/2023 17:12

Thanks Cat

Yeahrightthen · 04/01/2023 17:14

Yuck to the whole situation. The poor dd - it must be so embarrassing for her having such a cliched old perv for a dad!

LoveAHolidayOrTwo · 04/01/2023 17:19

It’s good you are not his number one priority.

butterfliedtwo · 04/01/2023 17:21

Yes, you are for all the reasons above. 26 also isn't 'quite young'. You're an adult who should know that parents more often than not prioritise their children, as they should.

Goodgrief82 · 05/01/2023 08:27

Yeahrightthen · 04/01/2023 17:14

Yuck to the whole situation. The poor dd - it must be so embarrassing for her having such a cliched old perv for a dad!

Leave him alone!

He sounds like a bloody good father.

IAmWomanHearMeRoar1 · 05/01/2023 09:19

There is 17 years difference between me and my DH, OP, so please ignore the narrow-minded 'oh he's older to be your father' prejudiced bs. However, yabu to expect to be his number one priority. A child should always, ALWAYS come first. A girlfriend, second. Just as my DH's daughter is his first priority, me second. When you are a parent, your child is your first priority, your spouse/girlfriend second. That's how it is, that's how it should be. And if my DH didn't put my DSS before me, I wouldn't want to stay with him. It's a sign of a good man who puts his flesh and blood first, girlfriend last. That's how it should be. Any man who puts a girlfriend first before his own child, is scum.

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