to ask why there are such conflicting views on how we perceive young people and children on here.

[pillow56]

When an adult raises a voice to a child on mn it's seen as very wrong and traumatising for the child and by child I mean anybody under 18.

Yet mn seems to have a view that any child over 15 (and even 14 in some cases) it's fine for them to drink, stay out as late as they want or have sex/share bed with boyfriends and gfs. The thinking seems to be as they are mature enough at that age and parents who want to enforce rules and boundaries often get roasted as at 15/16 they can stay out all night if they want apparently and many here condone teen holidays abroad at that age with no parents as the thinking goes they have the maturity anyway and parents should back off...

On the other hand though if any adult in their mid 20s and up is dating a 17-21 yo it's seen as highly inappropriate as the 20yo is still a child, vulnerable and shouldn't be dating a 26 yo.

Can I ask why there is such a disparity on how we view our youth here?

There are literally millions of users of MN. There will be some who agree with the above and some who don’t. As within In group this large there won’t be a consensus.

I think most people just give a gut reaction to the question asked so you get wildly different views.

Anyone can post on mumsnet. Unless previously banned (and even then they slip through sometimes). Literally anyone. It's not some tiny cohesive community. It's the world. Full of views, diverse, conflicting, thoughtful, ludicrous, sensible, bonkers, mature and childish. 'Mumsnet' does not 'have a view'.

A lot depends on the topic at hand.

A 16/17 year old is mature enough, in my opinion, to be allowed to drink alcohol in certain circumstances.

If a 21/22 year old was dating a 16 year old then I'd argue that's not appropriate as there's a maturity gap between a child in Year 11/12 and an adult.

A 20 year old woman in a relationship with a 34 year old man are likely to be in different places and my concern would be a man in his 30s is hoping to settle down with kids at the very time a 20 year old could be building their own career and financial security.

Relationship dynamics matter because get it wrong and we are sending teens and young adults into relationships with an increased risk of unequal power dynamics due to the age difference. Some people will always say "I met DH when I was 17 and he was 27 and we are happily married with 4 kids", and it's good it worked for them, but it's not something I'd promote for my children.

There are literally millions of users of MN. There will be some who agree with the above and some who don’t. As within In group this large there won’t be a consensus

But on many threads there does appear to be a consensus. Those who say what I'd believe and what I assumed the majority thought seems to be in a minority especially those threads that think it's perfectly fine for 15/16 yo to stay out all night or for them to share a bed in your house with their bf/gf.

whereas everyone on MN agrees that a chicken will feed a family of six for a week and have leftovers to make soup 😀

Well 16 is age of consent so what can you do?

Surely you’ve lived long enough to know that people are different? There is no “consensus” just lots of shouting…

Well 16 is age of consent so what can you do

well not allow it in my house, 16 is still very much a kid. Fair enough if parents allow it in their house but the thought on mn is we can't stop them in our house and that's rubbish. My house my rules. Similarity if I give my 16 yo son a time to be home he will be home.

Whilst people may disagree with my rules fine but I have more of a problem with the amount of posters who say they aren't able to stop them staying out all night at 15/16 etc. That in itself to me is a major problem. If my 15 yo refused my rules I'd be calling the cops.

Threads sometimes appear to have a consensus because of the tone of the first and subsequent few posts. Most people will only post if they either want to join in and have their thinking validated or if they feel very strongly about something and have experience or evidence to bring to the argument.

PPs don't post on a thread that they have no interest in or is contrary to their view - so if the start of the thread is "pro - 15 year old drinking" and they don't agree - they won't bother to post. What would be the point?

There is no "MN View".

MN is entertainment - (I'm only posting because I know I have to go to work and am lying on the sofa with a second cup of coffee taking my mind off the fact that I have to actually get up and go)

Depends on the ‘child’. My 15 year old was much more mature in some ways than her 21 year old autistic brother; both would have been vulnerable in different ways too.

I feel for you @pillow56 i think you have fallen foul of how cruel MN users can be

On the “it’s fine for a 15/16 year old to stay out all night” example, I’ve similarly seen nearly every poster agree contrary to the OP that it’s fine for them to be out all night or having sex with someone older

However - never underestimate the fact that if the first few replies are contrary in order to goad the OP and upset them, then others will follow

So it doesn’t matter in the end if the view is batshit or against conventional wisdom, as long as it’s the opposite of the OP’s sensible view, and they get a rise out of them.

I feel for you @pillow56 i think you have fallen foul of how cruel MN users can be
On the “it’s fine for a 15/16 year old to stay out all night” example, I’ve similarly seen nearly every poster agree contrary to the OP that it’s fine for them to be out all night or having sex with someone older
However - never underestimate the fact that if the first few replies are contrary in order to goad the OP and upset them, then others will follow
So it doesn’t matter in the end if the view is batshit or against conventional wisdom, as long as it’s the opposite of the OP’s sensible view, and they get a rise out of them

that's interesting, see call me naïve but I assumed most people on mn were being honest. See I'm honest on mn, I say exactly what I think and would do as I don't see sense or logic in doing otherwise.

I also find there is a huge hatred/backlash towards conversative people on mn. If a poster said her or her dh want their adult children to not share beds with partners in their house they are presented as an antichrist.

Call the cops to say what though? I think there is a degree of honesty in acknowledging that teens need to be handled carefully because there really isn't much you can do if they are determined to break your rules. For many people, an open and honest relationship with their teenage children is more important than surface obedience that masks what they are really doing.

Calling the cops to say your teenager refused to live by your rules? Anyone who throws out the 'my house,my rules' bollocks to try and control a teenager has no clue how to parent a teenager imo.

Call the cops to say what though? I think there is a degree of honesty in acknowledging that teens need to be handled carefully because there really isn't much you can do if they are determined to break your rules

Most 15 and 16 yos would be pretty startled by the cops though and it would defo help them comply. I know there are some who wouldn't respond to any form of authority but that's far and few between. On mn though teens are presented as being so independent and dominant that parents can't get them to comply with their instructions but in reality it's very different and most 15-17 yos will comply with parents.

For many people, an open and honest relationship with their teenage children is more important than surface obedience that masks what they are really doing

yes I see where you are coming from but on mn the view is more 'let them stay out all night' as they will do it anyway. Or 'let them sleep with their boyf/gf at 15 in your house as they will do it anyway' which isn't 'open and honest relationship', it's more allowing the child to rule the roost.

An 'open and honest relationship' is too often a euphemism for the parent allowing the kid to do as they want/turn a blind eye for an easier life.

Anyone who throws out the 'my house,my rules' bollocks to try and control a teenager has no clue how to parent a teenager imo

ok then so can you suggest the alternative?

Treat them like people.

Raise them to be responsible and independent. Encourage them to make their own decisions and allow them to make mistakes and learn from them.

Treat them like people.
Raise them to be responsible and independent. Encourage them to make their own decisions and allow them to make mistakes and learn from them.

you can to an extent but as people they are still developing, lacking maturity and require guidance from adults to develop. They can't be fully independent. They aren't adults.

So does that change in 2 years time, as soon as they reach 18?

“Call the cops” is your fallback for parenting teenagers, even if they haven’t done anything actually criminal? I mean, I know fuck all as my children are much smaller, but it seems like the police are busy enough without dealing with your teenager testing boundaries

Well we don't have 'cops' in Britain, are you in the U.S- no police time in Britain would be allocated to breaking the house rules, unless it was a safeguarding concern they wouldn't care!

I have a nearly 16 year old and like me parents I am respectfully guiding him with his choices. My parents were probably what you would think of as 'liberal' but both my brother and I are kind, morally and law abiding people, surely that is all you can ask for. I want a good relationship with my DC and that won't come easily with your ideas - IMO!

My parents not 'me parents'.

The police don't come out for strangers breaking into houses so I can't imagine them coming out for family members breaking house rules.