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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to ask for strategies to stop locking horns with DS

71 replies

user1000K · 03/01/2023 21:59

Please, no judgment.

My DS 12 and I have a loving relationship. He tells me a lot of stuff, confides and looks to me for support and stuff, which I know I deliver.

However, I also get a lot wrong, I think.

He is bright, fiery, challenging. Same as me. I am a pretty tough person, having survived some challenging stuff, and whilst I'm fiercely loving, I'm also quite fierce at times. I get too shouty and impatient. I am a control freak and of course, that's getting tested as he gets older.

Tonight we had a crap row - he wasn't right but still he's the kid - and I lost my temper.. I was pretty harsh with him, only to then be filled with absolute remorse after. I always apologise, I always take responsibility where it's due. But the cycle needs to stop.

If you/your situation sounds similar, can you suggest any strategies that have helped?

OP posts:
evtheria · 03/01/2023 22:02

Bump and watching, because this sounds like me and my young DS xx

whichwayiwonder · 03/01/2023 22:07

And me and mine. Same. (Athough he's much cleverer than I am.) I'm ashamed to say we had a physical fight this morning, although on my part I was defending myself and restraining him. My DS is just incredibly argumentative, mostly when we've asked him to do something or stop doing something. Not so much in normal conversation.

PollyPut · 03/01/2023 22:09

This reply has been withdrawn

This message has been withdrawn at the poster's request

Original poster
user1000K · 03/01/2023 22:18

It's not food.

It's his personality and mine - match to dry wood sometimes.

I need to lengthen my fuse. Breathe and walk away. harder said than done.

But I always, without fail, feel so terrible after - the self loathing is so huge, it empties me out.

OP posts:
Pulipalaver · 03/01/2023 22:20

Stay calm, state your position, don't respond to escalations. Stay calm, repeat your position, ignore the escalations. Ad infinitum. Take away the WiFi box if they don't respect fair boundaries/start using personal insults.
I read a wonderful book about dealing with teenagers and forgot the name of it, sorry. I had three teenage boys in three successive school years and was very grateful for these strategies (although my daughter was 18 times worse lol)

Challenging you, and developing their own identity is part of healthy teenage psychological development.

Good luck!!

Rawroink · 03/01/2023 22:20

I try to remember they haven’t had my lived experience of extremely harsh parenting (so my perception of parenting)

I don’t need to win an argument with a child so remove myself, be reasonable and fair

i also have control of wifi through an app 😆

Earlybird00 · 03/01/2023 22:26

This is very familiar were I have asked numerous times for something to be done and it leads to frustration when you are repeating yourself particularly if they are dismissive and not taking the situation seriously. I remind myself they are developing into young people and finding out who they are. My priorities are not his and we are both different personalities. I try to give plenty of warning - hours/ days and speak in a calm voice as this calms me as well as not igniting the situation. Try to have a vague routine. I am hoping its a phase..

watchfulwishes · 03/01/2023 22:31

I learnt to lose the battle to win the war. You may need to fully understand why you can't walk away, or leave it.

What are you arguing about?

And in what way are you 'harsh'? Is your self-loathing proportionate or disproportionate?

You mention your tough life - are you cross he's had it easy, relatively speaking?

Pashazade · 03/01/2023 22:43

You might find "The book you wish your parents had read" useful. It gets you to consider why you respond the way you do to your children's behaviour. Sometimes yes it's a personality clash but sometimes they are pushing a button that you don't realise is there from how you were raised or stuff that has happened to you.
Try pausing and asking yourself if you really need to say what you're about to say or whether walking away would be better.

Also remember they are literally re-wiring their brains at this point!

VioletLemon · 03/01/2023 23:05

Start paying compliments about specific things you see him do/say. Say what you like about what he says/does/thinks like.... Try to build those bits into your communications with him so it becomes a habit and teaches him you can bond with gentle communication and at that age he will really value you identifying things you like about him. My youngest & I sometimes have loud, shouty blow ups and 5 minutes later its gone. It was worse when young and a health visitor advised me to use this gentle style of communication. It transformed our relationship and he got a real boost when I said things like that. She advised keep it simple, eg 'I like the way you waited to use the toaster, that was considerate/I saw you fed the dog, that was really helpful and means alot/I noticed your sister shouting but you didn't slam the door, that was mature... "etc. It really worked...

BertieBotts · 03/01/2023 23:30

Have you heard of drop the rope?

Sometimes when we find ourselves in a battle state with children, where they react to something we do or say, it can make us feel that we must pull back lest they "win". And this can result in a totally unproductive back and forth tug of war that never really gets anywhere.

If you're the kind of person that can just stay calm, hold fast and weather the storm (my DH is) then that's fine, but if you can't help but pull back... try dropping the rope. You do not need to have a power struggle with a child, because you are the adult, you do hold all the power, you don't need to prove it by yanking back and forth. Don't engage in an argument, don't take things personally, recognise that child is saying whatever they know will upset you, rather than what they actually mean, so just walk away and talk to them when they are calmer.

(If this is totally and utterly unclear, as it may well be, I need to go to bed, try googling "Drop the rope parenting")

I have also found the book When Your Kids Push Your Buttons to be helpful.

And the approach in Ross Greene's book Raising Human Beings.

Lastly I found it quite helpful to view parenthood as a series of transitions. When they are very little, under about 7, you decide all the rules but you also mostly control the environment, so that the child is not responsible for upholding those rules, because they aren't capable yet. So you don't let your newly-walking one year old toddle around next to roads, you don't let your 3yo have access to sharp knives, you don't offer your 6yo unlimited unfiltered internet.

In the middle stage, roughly 7-14, you're still mostly in charge of the rules but you've loosened the control on what they can do - so they are in charge of whether they follow them or not. You let them get things wrong and discover the consequences. This is a process, not an overnight switch. You wouldn't give a 10yo a credit card, but you might let them get into trouble for not doing their homework.

Into the teens, there's another shift again - they are starting to decide rules for themselves and you step back and act as a sounding board or guide, but mostly just there as a safety net. Because they are learning to work out their own rules, it's helpful if you step back from making too many rules or trying to control too many things. There will still be certain areas where it is necessary, but others where it isn't.

picklemewalnuts · 04/01/2023 08:00

I second Berties post!

You don't need to win. All that does is force your child to capitulate. Not nice.

Accept that your child has their own mind, opinions, priorities.
Sometimes they need to do as they are told, whether they agree, or like it, or not.
Sometimes they don't have to. Your parenting becomes advice rather than instruction.

As an argument starts to brew, check yourself. Does it actually matter? Is it worth damaging your relationship over?
Because that's what happens if you get into screaming matches.

In addition to addressing how you disagree, do some actively positive things to build your relationship. Make sure to use positive communication like a PO suggested. Have a night a week where you cook together, or he chooses what to eat/picks a film/board game. Build in little moments of connection. They build you up to help with the tough times.

Give him some responsibility- he's old enough to do his own washing for example, or to be 'in charge' of cleaning one room (dusting, vacuuming lounge for example)- but when he wants to, not when you tell him to. You're trying to raid an independent man, not a well behaved robot.

picklemewalnuts · 04/01/2023 08:00

*raise and independent man

IHateFlies · 04/01/2023 08:05

What was your argument about?
Is it your controlling that's causing the issue?

HaddawayAndShite · 04/01/2023 08:08

Pashazade · 03/01/2023 22:43

You might find "The book you wish your parents had read" useful. It gets you to consider why you respond the way you do to your children's behaviour. Sometimes yes it's a personality clash but sometimes they are pushing a button that you don't realise is there from how you were raised or stuff that has happened to you.
Try pausing and asking yourself if you really need to say what you're about to say or whether walking away would be better.

Also remember they are literally re-wiring their brains at this point!

This book completely changed my emotional reaction to things. I only have a toddler but I found it really useful in opening up how I rea t to things in general.

Namechanged2023 · 04/01/2023 08:09

Following! Just like me and my 7 year old.

InconvenientPeg · 04/01/2023 08:15

DS and I were like this. Every request became a shouting match, we pushed each others buttons with pin point accuracy.

I hated myself for it, so decided I needed to come up with something different when he was shouting at me that he hated me.

So I started stopping, and turning round to him and telling him that I loved him. Mid flow it would just stop everything. I made myself do it with honesty and feeling, not half hearted. It sounds mad but it really changed things for us.

Now at 19 he sometimes turns it back on me 😆

Now I just have to deal with DD and DH bickering, as they are really similar personalities to each other and totally wind each other up!

Original poster
user1000K · 04/01/2023 08:18

BertieBotts · 03/01/2023 23:30

Have you heard of drop the rope?

Sometimes when we find ourselves in a battle state with children, where they react to something we do or say, it can make us feel that we must pull back lest they "win". And this can result in a totally unproductive back and forth tug of war that never really gets anywhere.

If you're the kind of person that can just stay calm, hold fast and weather the storm (my DH is) then that's fine, but if you can't help but pull back... try dropping the rope. You do not need to have a power struggle with a child, because you are the adult, you do hold all the power, you don't need to prove it by yanking back and forth. Don't engage in an argument, don't take things personally, recognise that child is saying whatever they know will upset you, rather than what they actually mean, so just walk away and talk to them when they are calmer.

(If this is totally and utterly unclear, as it may well be, I need to go to bed, try googling "Drop the rope parenting")

I have also found the book When Your Kids Push Your Buttons to be helpful.

And the approach in Ross Greene's book Raising Human Beings.

Lastly I found it quite helpful to view parenthood as a series of transitions. When they are very little, under about 7, you decide all the rules but you also mostly control the environment, so that the child is not responsible for upholding those rules, because they aren't capable yet. So you don't let your newly-walking one year old toddle around next to roads, you don't let your 3yo have access to sharp knives, you don't offer your 6yo unlimited unfiltered internet.

In the middle stage, roughly 7-14, you're still mostly in charge of the rules but you've loosened the control on what they can do - so they are in charge of whether they follow them or not. You let them get things wrong and discover the consequences. This is a process, not an overnight switch. You wouldn't give a 10yo a credit card, but you might let them get into trouble for not doing their homework.

Into the teens, there's another shift again - they are starting to decide rules for themselves and you step back and act as a sounding board or guide, but mostly just there as a safety net. Because they are learning to work out their own rules, it's helpful if you step back from making too many rules or trying to control too many things. There will still be certain areas where it is necessary, but others where it isn't.

That is such a great post. Thank you.

OP posts:
Original poster
user1000K · 04/01/2023 08:23

Really helpful advice, thanks so much.

For the record, I tell him all the time about things he does or is that make me proud. He's not short of specific praise. I do stuff with him, do stuff that I know he loves.

The other side is I am controlling. I'm obviously projecting a lot of what I want/my expectations and when he rallies, which he should as he is is his own person, a storm brews.

He's a very pushy kid - constantly at the boundaries, the edge of stuff - but also very honest and a strong moral compass. My fear is that if I don't get this sorted now, he'll start to lose those fine qualities and not want to be good or tell me stuff as he's afraid I'll get shouty. I want to raise an honest, independent thinker, with heart, so I need to sort it.

We are very similar, hence the clash and hence why DH is much better than me in those moments.

And no, it's got nothing to do with my being cross that he's had it relatively easy. I had a very loving childhood. Challenges began later.

OP posts:
Namechanged2023 · 04/01/2023 08:26

@user1000K has your relationship always been this way? You and I, and my DS and yours, sound scarily similar.

mumonthehill · 04/01/2023 08:31

I totally relate to what you have written. I still unfortunately clash with ds22. I have said before it is like we are jigsaw pieces that no longer quite fit. I too i think can be quite controlling and he is quite confrontational. We love each other, we have great times but sometimes it is difficult. Not sure i can offer advice as obviously my relationship with ds is still tricky. What i have learned and am now putting in place is stepping back, letting him make his own choices. He lives his life and does things in a different way to how I would and this is ok, i have to accept that and let go. I wish i had done this earlier. Some good advice from other posters.

Stickytoff · 04/01/2023 08:39

Look you are clearly a conscientious person who is trying to do the best thing. Deal with the issues as best as you can, try to not get into battles, take time out if you feel it escalating and express that frustration to your son so you are modelling expressing your feelings so he can learn from that too but honestly you sound like a great parent and nothing is ever perfect so give yourself a break too.

Wolfiefan · 04/01/2023 08:40

In what way are you controlling? That could be a huge issue with a soon to be teen.
We don’t argue. There are clear rules and consequences if they are broken. They may backchat but that doesn’t lead to an argument if you don’t engage. Keep the emotion out of it. They choose how to behave. Then they are picking the consequence. It’s not them and us.
Plus we avoid conflict over non issues. Eg if room isn’t perfectly tidy etc.

Original poster
user1000K · 04/01/2023 08:43

Namechanged2023 · 04/01/2023 08:26

@user1000K has your relationship always been this way? You and I, and my DS and yours, sound scarily similar.

Yes, always. It's just how we both are - but I guess parenting is a mirror, isn't it - just forces you to look at yourself all the time. And not always like what you see.

It's such hard work!

OP posts:
Thereisnolight · 04/01/2023 08:44

Me too.

Are you short-fused in other situations too? Did you grow up in a shouty house (hard to break that habit). What drives your anger in the moment? For me it’s fear (that they’re not working hard enough and will fall behind) or sadness (not doing what I want means they’re rejecting me) or sometimes just plain old irritation because I’m in a rush.

The self loathing does sound harsh and may come from the same place that your anger comes from.

I agree that you should read some of the parenting books pps have mentioned. They help you to develop strategies for listening and dealing with conflict and also remind you that your DC is their own person, not an extension of you (and therefore they are not rejecting you if they argue with you, and their different choices are valid and not a sign of your poor parenting). I found them helpful.

Finally, parenting is all-consuming when they are small but now it’s time to start trying to find a life of your own again so you don’t feel that rejection when they start to pull away.

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