Page 3 | AIBU to ask for strategies to stop locking horns with DS

user1000K · 2023-01-03T21:59:06+00:00

Please, no judgment. My DS 12 and I have a loving relationship. He tells me a lot of stuff, confides and looks to me for support and stuff, which I know I deliver. However, I also get a lot wrong, I think. He is bright, fiery, challenging. Same as me. I am a pretty tough person, having survived some challenging stuff, and whilst I'm fiercely loving, I'm also quite fierce at times. I get too shouty and impatient. I am a control freak and of course, that's getting tested as he gets older. Tonight we had a crap row - he wasn't right but still he's the kid - and I lost my temper.. I was pretty harsh with him, only to then be filled with absolute remorse after. I always apologise, I always take responsibility where it's due. But the cycle needs to stop. If you/your situation sounds similar, can you suggest any strategies that have helped?

BertieBotts · 04/01/2023 10:16

Ooh yes one of the best HTT tips I took from my last reading (I think it may actually have been a podcast with the author of one of the newer books) was if you feel like you want to yell, instead of shouting something blaming (Why does everybody always leave such a mess in here! Nobody puts things away when they are finished with them! You're all selfish!) try shouting your feelings (I'm so pissed off! This kitchen was clean when I left it and now I come to cook, there are things everywhere! The dishwasher hasn't been turned on, and now I don't have any pans! I hate having to clean everything twice. It makes cooking take so much longer.)

purpledalmation · 04/01/2023 10:45

Learn some breathing techniques. They really work

Ihaventgottimeforthis · 04/01/2023 10:54

This thread has only just made it to a second page and already it is solid gold, so much useful advice here thank you OP for creating this.
I particularly liked the 'say yes' point - why is our automatic reaction usually to say no, before we really listen or understand even?
Lots for me to take away here.

Newnamefornewyear2023 · 04/01/2023 11:00

www.goodreads.com/book/show/6700725-reason-to-change

maybe have a look at this book. I found it helpful

passiveaggressivenonsense · 04/01/2023 12:05

Do some research on non violent communication NVC it saved my family when DC were adolescents.

Quartz2208 · 04/01/2023 13:15

I think as well we naturally gravitate to partners who are different to us, who compliment us (because dating a version of ourselves simply wouldnt work).

And then we have children - who are mini versions of ourselves but just different enough in ways that get under our skin!

I agree with saying yes when you can, letting them make their own decisions - if they dont revise enough then they get a bad mark. That is a far better lesson than nagging them to do something. They understand why.

And recognising that they cannot be controlled, they are their own person

grapesandpears · 04/01/2023 13:48

I think part of the stress with teens is the worry that if we manage them less , they might fail. I used to have a bit of this attitude when mine were teens. They're just about adults now. But it was ridiculous of me, because when I was a child my mum was incredibly disorganised and left us to our own devices almost totally. Whilst not to be recommended , perhaps, the accidental outcome was that all of her children took control of their lives and "succeeded". This surprised some of our wider family. It's not surprising at all, though, because if you know that nobody else is going to act as a safety net, you pretty quickly get a grip of your responsibilities.

EmmaDilemma5 · 04/01/2023 13:51

Have you ever sought help for your temper? Counselling? Medication?

I get you have a fiery personality but you need to model to him how to control that. Shouting at people isn't good enough, what if he grows up to shout at his family, blaming him genetic fieriness?

I'm sorry, but I think you need to take more accountability and seek some support.

But no one's perfect, and it's lovely he's open with you.

SoSweetAndSalty · 04/01/2023 15:00

Fair play to you OP for recognising this (but can you imagine the responses if you had said you were a male! 🫤)

I think it's hard to not be controlling with your teens. They make so many dumb decisions. I know every family is different but my husband was a bit shouty whilst I literally never shouted when mine were teens. I barely nagged tbh My kids ended up ignoring or avoiding my DH when they needed advice or help and I was the one with all the power!
I genuinely believed my role was to provide a loving and supportive environment and that it was up to my kids how hard they worked at school etc. I may have occasionally asked if they had homework but I never nagged them about it. Same goes for bedtime, mess in their bedrooms, time spent on their computers etc
Obviously I wasn't as slack when they were young teens as when they were older teens.
I never ever showed that I was 'disappointed' in them.
I offered top notch services for them if they were studying. I'd pamper them with lifts, snacks and treats or whatever worked if they were working hard.
It worked well with my kids. Now they are in their 20's and 30's they still come to me for advice as they know I won't try and control what they do.
The other thing is that the negative effects of being 'shouty' can be massive and very long lasting. I think it's a huge mistake. My husband was 'shouty' very infrequently but I regret letting my kids be exposed to it at all.
My kids all chose the GCSEs, Alevels, university's, degrees, jobs and houses that they wanted even when I, secretly,I'd have done something different.
It's their lives and I think kids (can) thrive on the responsibility of making their own decisions.
Obviously it wasn't all plain sailing and I know a huge part of this is that my 4 kids are all generally fairly mellow and well behaved (like me 😆) I suppose this approach might be bollux if you have more feisty kids.

You've got to remember that your kids are your kids for life. You don't want them growing up thinking you are controlling and shouty. They might forgive but they won't forget.

DorkingHen · 04/01/2023 15:25

I have PTSD for complex trauma. I didn’t lose my temper often with our eldest but I was quietly controlling in ways no one but my children would feel. Small little things that didn’t really matter only they did as I did it to defend myself from my historic childhood and it was impacting the kids, especially our eldest. I have started EMDR - it’s amazing. It doesn’t work on a cognitive level (in fact one of my issues was being almost too cognitively aware about things). It works on the emotions and how I developed emotionally maladaptive strategies as a result of my childhood. It’s not a magic cure but it is the closest I have ever got. I sat down with my eldest and told him that I was sorry my hidden PTSD had had an impact on him and every time I get that feeling (you’ll have a similar one) I walk away as I recognise I’ve been triggered and that way an arugument doesn’t even start. I use the EMDR strategies I’ve been given and now we don’t argue. I’m learning to let him live his own life and if it starts to head in a direction that could get heated, I take the responsibility to walk away and I don’t bring things up again until I am totally calm and the feeling inside has gone and I’ve looked at the situation out of trauma-mode. From what you say, I really feel you would likely find EMDR for complex PTSD/ complex trauma really helpful.

saltinesandcoffeecups · 04/01/2023 15:36

@user1000K

My advice… at some point when you’re not shouty, tell him this.

He's a very pushy kid - constantly at the boundaries, the edge of stuff - but also very honest and a strong moral compass. My fear is that if I don't get this sorted now, he'll start to lose those fine qualities and not want to be good or tell me stuff as he's afraid I'll get shouty. I want to raise an honest, independent thinker, with heart, so I need to sort it.

or a variation of this truth.

SoSweetAndSalty · 04/01/2023 15:45

@Jinglecrunch
I have other relatives and friends who are a lot more controlled and keep their feelings to themselves, but I mostly prefer the noisy, messy, over emotional types. I love people who, like me, wear their heart on their sleeve because it feels like they are open and real and there

You can be all of these things without thinking it's ok to shout at other people 🫤

SoSweetAndSalty · 04/01/2023 15:53

I think it's normal to be worried about your kids failing but now my kids are in their 20's and 30's I can't think of one of their friends who 'failed' as teens (at GCSEs or A-levels or even at degree level) who hasn't now got their act together.

Original poster

user1000K · 04/01/2023 16:09

EmmaDilemma5 · 04/01/2023 13:51

Have you ever sought help for your temper? Counselling? Medication?

I get you have a fiery personality but you need to model to him how to control that. Shouting at people isn't good enough, what if he grows up to shout at his family, blaming him genetic fieriness?

I'm sorry, but I think you need to take more accountability and seek some support.

But no one's perfect, and it's lovely he's open with you.

Medication? I have no idea what medication you think they would give me.

I don't think your post is fair. I've come here and taken full accountability.

OP posts:

Original poster

user1000K · 04/01/2023 16:10

saltinesandcoffeecups · 04/01/2023 15:36

@user1000K

My advice… at some point when you’re not shouty, tell him this.

He's a very pushy kid - constantly at the boundaries, the edge of stuff - but also very honest and a strong moral compass. My fear is that if I don't get this sorted now, he'll start to lose those fine qualities and not want to be good or tell me stuff as he's afraid I'll get shouty. I want to raise an honest, independent thinker, with heart, so I need to sort it.

or a variation of this truth.

Yes, I will

OP posts:

Original poster

user1000K · 04/01/2023 16:10

DorkingHen · 04/01/2023 15:25

I have PTSD for complex trauma. I didn’t lose my temper often with our eldest but I was quietly controlling in ways no one but my children would feel. Small little things that didn’t really matter only they did as I did it to defend myself from my historic childhood and it was impacting the kids, especially our eldest. I have started EMDR - it’s amazing. It doesn’t work on a cognitive level (in fact one of my issues was being almost too cognitively aware about things). It works on the emotions and how I developed emotionally maladaptive strategies as a result of my childhood. It’s not a magic cure but it is the closest I have ever got. I sat down with my eldest and told him that I was sorry my hidden PTSD had had an impact on him and every time I get that feeling (you’ll have a similar one) I walk away as I recognise I’ve been triggered and that way an arugument doesn’t even start. I use the EMDR strategies I’ve been given and now we don’t argue. I’m learning to let him live his own life and if it starts to head in a direction that could get heated, I take the responsibility to walk away and I don’t bring things up again until I am totally calm and the feeling inside has gone and I’ve looked at the situation out of trauma-mode. From what you say, I really feel you would likely find EMDR for complex PTSD/ complex trauma really helpful.

I tried it and EDMR wasn't for me.

OP posts:

Original poster

user1000K · 04/01/2023 16:11

SoSweetAndSalty · 04/01/2023 15:00

Fair play to you OP for recognising this (but can you imagine the responses if you had said you were a male! 🫤)

I think it's hard to not be controlling with your teens. They make so many dumb decisions. I know every family is different but my husband was a bit shouty whilst I literally never shouted when mine were teens. I barely nagged tbh My kids ended up ignoring or avoiding my DH when they needed advice or help and I was the one with all the power!
I genuinely believed my role was to provide a loving and supportive environment and that it was up to my kids how hard they worked at school etc. I may have occasionally asked if they had homework but I never nagged them about it. Same goes for bedtime, mess in their bedrooms, time spent on their computers etc
Obviously I wasn't as slack when they were young teens as when they were older teens.
I never ever showed that I was 'disappointed' in them.
I offered top notch services for them if they were studying. I'd pamper them with lifts, snacks and treats or whatever worked if they were working hard.
It worked well with my kids. Now they are in their 20's and 30's they still come to me for advice as they know I won't try and control what they do.
The other thing is that the negative effects of being 'shouty' can be massive and very long lasting. I think it's a huge mistake. My husband was 'shouty' very infrequently but I regret letting my kids be exposed to it at all.
My kids all chose the GCSEs, Alevels, university's, degrees, jobs and houses that they wanted even when I, secretly,I'd have done something different.
It's their lives and I think kids (can) thrive on the responsibility of making their own decisions.
Obviously it wasn't all plain sailing and I know a huge part of this is that my 4 kids are all generally fairly mellow and well behaved (like me 😆) I suppose this approach might be bollux if you have more feisty kids.

You've got to remember that your kids are your kids for life. You don't want them growing up thinking you are controlling and shouty. They might forgive but they won't forget.

I know. It's got to stop.

OP posts:

Original poster

user1000K · 04/01/2023 16:50

But one caveat: DH's family never say anything meaningful to each other, for fear of saying the wrong thing. It's all passive aggressive BS - and honestly, I would say they're more dysfunctional than my wider family who are the polar opposite

OP posts:

Thereisnolight · 04/01/2023 19:04

user1000K · 04/01/2023 16:50

But one caveat: DH's family never say anything meaningful to each other, for fear of saying the wrong thing. It's all passive aggressive BS - and honestly, I would say they're more dysfunctional than my wider family who are the polar opposite

😄I think we’re twins.
DH’s family never discusses anything outright. It takes weeks for them to make a decision on anything and still none of them can give a straight answer on what the final decision is.

Thereisnolight · 04/01/2023 19:09

But my cousin’s family is worse. So many polite and sweet smiles in public, so many secrets behind the scenes and things that must never be mentioned or discussed outside the home (even quite minor things such as one of them being dumped by a boyfriend or falling over in a shop).
Shouting is not great but I agree there are worse dynamics.

NeedToChangeName · 04/01/2023 19:19

SoSweetAndSalty · 04/01/2023 15:00

Fair play to you OP for recognising this (but can you imagine the responses if you had said you were a male! 🫤)

I think it's hard to not be controlling with your teens. They make so many dumb decisions. I know every family is different but my husband was a bit shouty whilst I literally never shouted when mine were teens. I barely nagged tbh My kids ended up ignoring or avoiding my DH when they needed advice or help and I was the one with all the power!
I genuinely believed my role was to provide a loving and supportive environment and that it was up to my kids how hard they worked at school etc. I may have occasionally asked if they had homework but I never nagged them about it. Same goes for bedtime, mess in their bedrooms, time spent on their computers etc
Obviously I wasn't as slack when they were young teens as when they were older teens.
I never ever showed that I was 'disappointed' in them.
I offered top notch services for them if they were studying. I'd pamper them with lifts, snacks and treats or whatever worked if they were working hard.
It worked well with my kids. Now they are in their 20's and 30's they still come to me for advice as they know I won't try and control what they do.
The other thing is that the negative effects of being 'shouty' can be massive and very long lasting. I think it's a huge mistake. My husband was 'shouty' very infrequently but I regret letting my kids be exposed to it at all.
My kids all chose the GCSEs, Alevels, university's, degrees, jobs and houses that they wanted even when I, secretly,I'd have done something different.
It's their lives and I think kids (can) thrive on the responsibility of making their own decisions.
Obviously it wasn't all plain sailing and I know a huge part of this is that my 4 kids are all generally fairly mellow and well behaved (like me 😆) I suppose this approach might be bollux if you have more feisty kids.

You've got to remember that your kids are your kids for life. You don't want them growing up thinking you are controlling and shouty. They might forgive but they won't forget.

@SoSweetAndSalty That's great advice

OP, my strategies are -

(1) pick your battles

(2) imagine your child is your colleague / annoying client. Would you shout at them? No. So, you know that you can deal with this without shouting, if you choose to

(3) praise the behaviour you want to see

(4) think, what kind of parent do I want to be?

(5) respect their autonomy to make decisions. Focus on health and well being but don't make a fuss about eg clothes choices