AIBU to ask for strategies to stop locking horns with DS

[user1000K]

Please, no judgment.

My DS 12 and I have a loving relationship. He tells me a lot of stuff, confides and looks to me for support and stuff, which I know I deliver.

However, I also get a lot wrong, I think.

He is bright, fiery, challenging. Same as me. I am a pretty tough person, having survived some challenging stuff, and whilst I'm fiercely loving, I'm also quite fierce at times. I get too shouty and impatient. I am a control freak and of course, that's getting tested as he gets older.

Tonight we had a crap row - he wasn't right but still he's the kid - and I lost my temper.. I was pretty harsh with him, only to then be filled with absolute remorse after. I always apologise, I always take responsibility where it's due. But the cycle needs to stop.

If you/your situation sounds similar, can you suggest any strategies that have helped?

Thanks, I really appreciate that.

I apologised to him again this morning even though he was fine. I also showed him a couple of pages of the book I'd read before bed 'How to talk to teens so they'll listen.' It was an example very similar to what we argued about; on the left hand side page was a comic strip working through the situation with mum and son, showing how NOT to handle the discussion. The comic strip on the right hand side was the best example. We laughed and agreed that this would have been a much better way. He asked me why I was reading the book and I said because I need to improve. There's nothing else I can do but be honest with him about my failings and try and make changes.

This sounds lovely. Don’t be too hard on yourself!

Yes, agreed. I think I'm just tell him what to do too much, probably. Or get too involved.

@Thereisnolight Are you short-fused in other situations too? Did you grow up in a shouty house (hard to break that habit). What drives your anger in the moment? For me it’s fear (that they’re not working hard enough and will fall behind) or sadness (not doing what I want means they’re rejecting me) or sometimes just plain old irritation because I’m in a rush.

Wow. That's pretty much me in a nutshell. I am generally short fused. I grew up in a house where shouting, arguing, then quickly resolving was standard. And you've totally nailed what motivates the anger. It's a default position now. I really, really want to change it, but I worry I'm too old and it's engrained.

How do you deal with your short fuse generally? I was wondering whether I need an anger management course. Whether it would give me strategies.

Therapy. You can’t be a control freak with your child, they are not an extension of you. They are their own person. You simply cannot control him. It’s incredibly damaging to the child to parent like that.

You wrote this bit "He's a very pushy kid - constantly at the boundaries, the edge of stuff - but also very honest and a strong moral compass. My fear is that if I don't get this sorted now, he'll start to lose those fine qualities and not want to be good or tell me stuff as he's afraid I'll get shouty. I want to raise an honest, independent thinker, with heart, so I need to sort it."

What you have described in your Ds fits this to a T. He's already doing what you are hoping for, it's just that it's a bit sooner than you planned 😂

I haven’t fully resolved my shoutiness at all but I’m not half as bad as my parents were and like you I apologise to my DC and let them know it’s not right. So hopefully at least they won’t continue the cycle. Imo however it’s partly upbringing, partly genetic and partly other issues such as fear etc. Make little changes as you can, every little helps. Your relationship with your DC sounds very loving, as I hope mine is.

Stepping back and starting to look for a new life outside of DC is a priority for me now - as advised by MN. Then the little things don’t get to you as much and you won’t be so triggered when they (perfectly naturally) reject some of your opinions.

I could have written your post, accept I have a daughter. It's bloody hard going isn't it, and the regret over situations I wish I'd handled differently is immense. I have made some progress, not perfect but better, by forcing myself to think of that regret when my DD is winding me up. I think of the endgame, and for me that's a daughter that trusts me. The other thing that's helped is my daughter still pushes boundaries but she also tries not to escalate rows in the same way (mostly). Good luck, and please remember you're only human and taking accountability for your shortcomings probably puts you ahead of your parents.

I had to tell mine it was ok to be naughty. He internalised all his stress, didn't shout, just took to his room to try not to cry and then got a headache/migraine.

I said 'it's ok. It's ok to get cross and argue. You don't have to be perfect ".

Then one day when I was getting irritated he wasn't complying, he said ' you told me not to, that it was ok sometimes. '

The other thing to note, is that sometimes despite our greater experience, they know better. We locked horns about a language he was doing. He felt he didn't want to waste time on it, and was happy to cruise and fail. Logically he was right. I struggled with that hugely. He passed in the end, so must have made a bit of an effort!

'Except

You sound really reflective and that is brilliant. You sound like my DH and in turn, he is like my eldest child. I am much better at dealing with them because 1) as BertieBotts explained in that excellent post I am OK at holding the rope and weathering the storm but knowing when to walk away and 2) I have had lots of practice pre-my child hitting puberty because my DH is the same personality, so I’ve learned how to deal with him over the years!

He's a very pushy kid - constantly at the boundaries, the edge of stuff - but also very honest and a strong moral compass. My fear is that if I don't get this sorted now, he'll start to lose those fine qualities and not want to be good or tell me stuff as he's afraid I'll get shouty.

Much of the stuff my DH and DC clash on I just wouldn’t engage in the argument. My DH does want to control things I don’t think are worth it, and that leads to tension. If you’ve got an independent thinker they need to make independent mistakes sometimes. If you’ve got one who needs to push the boundaries you better make sure your boundaries are not so restrictive they need to smash at them all the time, nor so loose that they’re constantly seeking the edges.

Choose your battles wisely is the best thing you can do. Ask yourself: Does this really matter? Does it really matter to me (if so, why?), or to him (if so, how can I make him understand its importance)?

The How to Talk books are great and my biggest takeaway from them has always been that they’re recommending collaborative problem-solving - when you sense a challenge in the air, try to step back and say ‘OK, what do you think we should do?’ and really listen. Ask questions as the first action, instead of pronouncing opinion.

I was going to recommend "How to talk so teenagers will listen " so it's great you're already reading it and I love the fact you showed it to your DS and he knows you're actively working on communication.

It's hard to always get it right with teenagers. I do sometimes have to re approach things with DS if my initial reaction didn't help the situation. I'm a naturally pretty placid person but menopausal and DS sometimes manages to hit my wind up buttons pretty hard.

I find saying Mmmm and What do you think ? Work well, or "what would you do or feel if you were me?"basically keep calm is the goal even if you're seething inside.

By the way, one thing I find helps is saying Yes more. To almost everything that’s not bad for them or dangerous or unaffordable.

Previously I’d find myself saying No, you can’t wear that or paint or go out without your coat or stay up later or leave your room in that condition or have cereal for dinner or spend your birthday money on tat, blah blah, no, no, no. Sooo many nos!

Now I just pause and say…Yes. Go ahead.

I still have lots of red lines - homework, mobile phones on a school day, sweets during the week, alcohol use, going somewhere alone without permission etc etc. But beyond that I say yes as much as possible. The DC love it and it does actually make them more thoughtful about what they do and spend their money on - and they respect the red lines more.

How do you deal with your short fuse generally? I was wondering whether I need an anger management course. Whether it would give me strategies.

I think the poster upthread has nailed it when she detailed the frustration you are experiencing in these interactions. I think acknowledging your emotion in the moment could really help these situations. Saying I’m feeling frustrated because of xyz and that will signal to you and him that you are not in a good frame of mind to deal with whatever is triggering you in that moment. If you grew up in a house where emotions were frowned upon you might never have learned to recognise and regulate emotions particularly in the moment. It is a skill and it was very much undervalued in the past but if you learn to do it chances are your son will learn it from you which will be very beneficial for him too. Pausing, taking deep breaths is a really good way to regulate in the moment when you can feel yourself flying off the handle or in other words getting emotionally dysregulated.

You cant control him he is his own person with a right to make his own decisions and challenges.

By all means have clearly defined rules and boundaries about behaviour but within that you have to let him find his own way.

And a failure can be good he can learn from it far more than you stopping him fail

I love this. I need to say yes more.

Thank you, this is so helpful. Made me well up! I'm sure my DH thinks I'm the eldest child sometimes (he's not perfect either, but he is more like you)

I agree, totally. Letting someone you love fail is so hard, though! But that's my part of my problem.

Just wanted to say how brilliant it is you've recognised this in yourself and want to work on it - love that you were able to have a conversation with your son about the book. Wish my dad had done what you are doing when I was younger, would have made a difference in our long term relationship for sure

Nobody’s perfect! is a well-used expression in our house.

Admitting it is quite powerful really.

You’ll be OK.

Thank you, that's really kind of you

Me and my DS are a lot like this. I'm not sure how to change it as my Mum is made of the same stuff too. Fierce, furious, fabulous, and fun. All the F's! My brother is the same as well. We all feel our feelings in a big way. Love too deeply. Give all of ourselves to everything. Lose our shit sometimes. Passionate, creative, say fuck a lot, and sorry a lot too. Are a little bit too much.

I'm not sure how much you can change that basic wiring. I'm trying to be less shouty and sweary, but also to beat myself up less when I fall short of who I want to be. I would like to be more patient and have a longer fuse, and have done a lot of work on that with some improvement, but some of it I don't think I can change.

My DD and DSis are very different, much calmer and more closed. When they stub their toe on something they don't make a noise out loud. Like, they just swallow their pain? Whereas I shout, mostly a swear word, jump around, like full cartoon character moment over a stubbed toe. And I don't think I can change that reaction, it's just the way I am. I think it may be an extrovert/introvert thing.

I have other relatives and friends who are a lot more controlled and keep their feelings to themselves, but I mostly prefer the noisy, messy, over emotional types. I love people who, like me, wear their heart on their sleeve because it feels like they are open and real and there.

A big thing we do in my house now is label the feeling, not the person or action. So instead of saying 'you are an idiot' or 'that was a bloody stupid thing to do!' Saying 'I'm feeling really frustrated right now' which gives you the opportunity to walk away from a situation, calm down and then come back at it in a better frame of mind.

I think time outs/ cool downs are just as important if not more for grown ups! I do it with adults I'm finding difficult to, I will just say 'I'm feeling frustrated and upset right now so think it's best we talk about this another time.'

Well, if you're able to say sorry that's a good start. Would it help - would it be possible - for both of you to explain what you're actually angry about and why you care? So many rows escalate because people are talking at cross purposes.

IME the best way to keep them honest and talking to you is not to judge them (no matter how hard this is!) for what they say. Even though they will obviously get things wrong sometimes due to being young or having believed something false, it doesn't help if you immediately point that out, it just puts them on the defensive and/or makes them feel that you don't understand.

If they expect you to kick off or tell them they are wrong or insist that your way is better (even if your justification is really really really good) then they'll shut down and not want to tell you things. How To Talk is fantastic at explaining this and helping you learn new techniques so I think you're on the right track with that one.

I have to admit I struggle when I'm trying to give my kids advice and they don't believe me - that seems to push my buttons for sure. I struggle with it as much with the 4yo as with the 14yo! At least the 14yo has some life experience now and understands the basics whereas 4yo will argue things like "No, it won't break if I throw it on the floor! Look!"