Or am I bit weird/ cold

[Redtuckshop]

I am a quite confident person. This confidence is misplaced as I get stuff wrong and mess up all the time. I have a sort of irrational lack of fear. I think it's impacting on my friendships and relationships (even with my children) as I don't really understand anxiety or feeling nervous. I just sort of do things, impulsively sometimes.
For example last year I went on a trip. One of my friends accidentally got separate from the group and everyone kept banging on and on about how terrible it was that she wasn't with us and how scared she must be. I just don't get it, it's one trip lasting a couple of ours, she would be fine, chat to new people, see the same sights that we all would. I knew if it was me that I would have enjoyed the trip just the same even if I wasn't with my friends. But doesn't that make me odd? Shouldn't who I'm with make the trip? I like people but I think I can make connections with others quite quickly and would welcome a bit of space, if I didn't want to talk and just wanted to experience it.
My DM remembers on a school trip once, we were delayed and stuck in another country for an extra two days. She recalls the teachers asked me if i wanted to call her and I did, out of obligation, but told her how excited I was to get more time in Italy. She said most of rest of the kids cried.
If I have to drive somewhere I just drive, I don't worry about getting lost. If I want to go somewhere I just book a flight or trip rather than trying to find someone to go with. I'm certain there are other people like me but I live in a very small town and a lot of other women (and yes it is generally women) are more social, unadventurous and some are more anxious. It makes me feel strange and 'distant' like I can't relate without lying to them or feeling like I'm making out I'm superior. I know that it's not a good trait to be fine on your own all the time.

I know that it's not a good trait to be fine on your own all the time

Why not?

I'm the same. I like other people but I never get anxious about being safely with friends. I'm quite happy to strike out on my own. I never get worried or panicky about anything at all. I've always been of the opinion that things will turn out right in the end, and they usually do.

I am not overly affectionate in my relationships, not big on hugging and kissing. I do love my family very deeply but I'm not demonstrative at all. Your description of feeling distant is one that I'd fully agree with.

The only thing I disagree with is your final comment that it's not good to be fine all the time. I think it's a very positive trait to have , to be honest.

Stay being yourself, you are doing fine.

I think it's fine. Some people need the security of a group, some don't.

I'm personally more comfortable on my own than in a group, in a group I worry about how others are doing, by myself I don't need to.

I’m mostly one of those people… for sure I’ll also plan things out so I’m not exactly a fly-by-seat kind of girl. But for the most part unbothered when those plans I have made go off the rails.

I just figure why bother worrying about it.. things will work out one way or another.

I’m curious about the ages of those who are similar, and this isn’t bashing anyone, and for sure I’m leading up to a generalization that doesn’t describe everyone.

I grew up pre cellphone, was a latchkey kid, and generally didn’t have a lot of parental involvement (not that they weren’t around or in charge, but most kids my age grew up without a lot of hands on involvement). I just grew up with a “well shit, that didn’t work…guess I’ll try something else” kind of attitude. I think a lot of kids were similar.

I do also think experience has a lot to do with the attitude… once you’ve found yourself in some pickles and sorted them out the next ones don’t seem as big of a deal.

You sound like my dad. Even when there is something that really bothers him, such as having to make a speech to a crowd, he is solution-focused and anticipating what he will do when it's over, rather than getting emotionally jangled by stage fright. He loves us and is protective of us, but he is also emotionally distant. He finds anxiety of any sort difficult to recognise. There's a lack of empathy.

I don't think there is anything wrong with being like this. It gives you strengths that others may not have. You can learn to say the right things, the sort of things that are socially required. Or you can find friends who do not need you to emote. You are aware that others feel differently, so, unless you go out of your way to be nasty, you can respect their need for comfort or reassurance without compromising your self-confidence.

I find people faff all the time and create anxiety by hyping everything up. Yes your mate was alone, but she is an adult?! I think we are a society of scare mongers and pessimists in general (ok, not everyone, just general) and whip everyone in a drama fuelled frenzy over anything.

You sound like you're a lot more self-sufficient and calm than a lot of the people around you. I grew up with an emotionally distant mother and learned early on there was no point running to her with problems, so I got used to relying on myself. Sometimes (marriage) I cocked it up awfully. She always used to say that I was just like my father, who was in the Merchant Navy and trained to sort things out, not panic over them. - and yes, it does come over as cold when everyone else is sitting there wringing their hands and saying how awful when like me, you're saying (taking the example of the friend who got lost) 'Is this actually such a big problem?'

Yeah, this. Everything is such a big drama.

I think you sound fine. You just need better, less wussy friends.

And this. It sounds to me like OP is perfectly OK on her own and is friends with people who can't or won't be.

You sound fairly sane and level-handed. Your mates, less so.

How does that impact your relationship with your children?

You're not weird or cold. You're just the same as everybody else.

I agree I’m with you.

Im less likely to worry about what has happened and more focused on making things right - so they go lost - story to tell later!
I also leave and head in the general direction of places - was a bit shocked on a recent trip how many people rely on sat-nav’s

You sound great, but that's because I'm like you! I really don't understand why some people make such a fuss about going to a restaurant or theatre, or on holiday, alone. It's nice to be content with our own company.

If something were to happen, like a terrorist act, fire or something you basically had to react very quickly and not freeze to survive or save others, how do you think you’d react op? Out of curiosity.

There's nothing weird about this at all. You're independent and know that if you get in a jam you've got the mental resources to figure how to get out of a jam. It would really only be an issue if you were doing really risky things without any thought to the consequences but this isn't that.

I think lots of people put off doing things because of a fear of the unknown. Not talking about anxiety disorders here (totally different thing) but rather just a general worry they might not like something. If this is how you want to live and you're not putting yourself or others at harm, why not?!

i don’t think you are that unusual. I’m much the same; I don’t worry about being alone, getting lost, walking alone at night etc. I do have other worries but they tend not to be about being alone. I think it’s just different people, different like/dislikes/worries etc. I do find it slightly hard to understand why other people worry about doing things alone/in a new place (because I really love this) but it’s just that everyone is different. I have worries, they just tend to be of a different nature.

Reading between the lines, I would say you lack empathy. I’d say that’s the problem - the self sufficiency is a strength.
The problem is not that your friend would be ok on her own on the trip when she got separated from her - it’s that you don’t care how she feels. That it might not be her ideal.
If you are happy with emotionally distanced relationships, then there is no problem for you. A lot of people feel more comfortable with friends at arms length.

You sound as if you would inspire your dch to try stuff rather than be scared of failing, which is something that you get with DH parents who are glass -half-empty people who are always worrying about things that could possibly go wrong.

I agree, I too am the same.

I don’t think most people feel that they have an irrational lack of fear and as PP said you seem not to have much empathy. Have you considered whether you might have a personality disorder?

This might sound harsh, but it’s almost like the norm now is to have anxiety or rather feel anxious over many basic things that is just life.

Every little detail is considered being life admin, even writing on your shopping list that you need to buy milk. Or call the dentist.

To tell your neighbour not to park on your driveway is too much, you’d rather stay quietly angry.

If you are not like that, you might feel unusual or like the odd one out. But you are not. You are normal.

(And yes, I do know that anxiety is real and horrible.)

Yep, same here

(with the exception of not getting lost. I tend to plan routes out in a paper atlas beforehand and write down the route in my notebook, although on my 2000 mile tour of France last summer with the DC I did come to appreciate the value of a 12 year old navigating me through the cities on Google Maps 😀)

I do view a lot of the fussing women do over new things with consternation. I suspect it's learned societal norms, and it strikes me as horribly limiting. The flapping over where to have a wee when you find yourself in the middle of the countryside is something I find particularly alien. See that bush over there? > That's where.

Mind you, I am autistic, if you hadn't already guessed.

Mind you yulestorm, coping with life admin can cause me to start keening like a hysterical small dog under my breath, so I guess we all have an Achilles heel 😆