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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Or am I bit weird/ cold

86 replies

Redtuckshop · 03/01/2023 18:23

I am a quite confident person. This confidence is misplaced as I get stuff wrong and mess up all the time. I have a sort of irrational lack of fear. I think it's impacting on my friendships and relationships (even with my children) as I don't really understand anxiety or feeling nervous. I just sort of do things, impulsively sometimes.
For example last year I went on a trip. One of my friends accidentally got separate from the group and everyone kept banging on and on about how terrible it was that she wasn't with us and how scared she must be. I just don't get it, it's one trip lasting a couple of ours, she would be fine, chat to new people, see the same sights that we all would. I knew if it was me that I would have enjoyed the trip just the same even if I wasn't with my friends. But doesn't that make me odd? Shouldn't who I'm with make the trip? I like people but I think I can make connections with others quite quickly and would welcome a bit of space, if I didn't want to talk and just wanted to experience it.
My DM remembers on a school trip once, we were delayed and stuck in another country for an extra two days. She recalls the teachers asked me if i wanted to call her and I did, out of obligation, but told her how excited I was to get more time in Italy. She said most of rest of the kids cried.
If I have to drive somewhere I just drive, I don't worry about getting lost. If I want to go somewhere I just book a flight or trip rather than trying to find someone to go with. I'm certain there are other people like me but I live in a very small town and a lot of other women (and yes it is generally women) are more social, unadventurous and some are more anxious. It makes me feel strange and 'distant' like I can't relate without lying to them or feeling like I'm making out I'm superior. I know that it's not a good trait to be fine on your own all the time.

OP posts:
Ireallywantsomechips · 03/01/2023 20:19

I’d love to be more like you OP teach me your ways I beg you! 😂

Lentilweaver · 03/01/2023 20:19

This confidence is misplaced as I get stuff wrong and mess up all the time… I think it's impacting on my friendships and relationships (even with my children).”

Actually,maybe I get what you mean. I am very much a "Get on with it" sort of person ( immigrant who has moved around a bit and therefore did not have much choice). But my DD is very anxious and just the opposite. I struggle to understand her, and sometimes this generation in general. Sometimes I think normal worry or everyday stress has been pathologised. But then I am not a doctor.

DD often thinks I never get anxious. I do. But I just put my game face on, and go ahead anyway. I used to be terrified of public speaking, but then had to do it as part of my job, so I just had to learn. I think this is the case with most things.

Original poster
Redtuckshop · 03/01/2023 20:23

I suppose what I mean is that I understand anxiety as the worry that things might go wrong. Not being anxious does not mean that things don't ever go wrong for you! I suppose, deep down, what I don't understand is where that fear comes from, as usually things turn out alright. Get on the wrong bus, you can get off and get on another one, get lost in an unfamiliar city, you'll find your way eventually, no one has ever been lost in Rome for the rest of their lives.
This can make it difficult to connect as fear is a somewhat a shared emotion. I get anxiety and feeling nervous, I get the dread of reading a WhatsApp or email, for example where I know that person will be angry at me. But fear of going outside your comfort zone, it just seems so limiting.
I do have empathy. I think. I can sort of get why people don't enjoy being alone. I can see why other peoples previous experiences might make them nervous. But it is empathy rather than sympathy.

With my children, I worry that I am unfeeling when they come to me with anxiety or fear. I express care but encourage them to overcome it. Sometimes I think I might be a bit harsh. I worry that I might come across as cold.

OP posts:
Original poster
Redtuckshop · 03/01/2023 20:24

@Lentilweaver very similar! My dd also is anxious. I struggle to understand at times.

OP posts:
TiaraBoo · 03/01/2023 20:28

I know that it's not a good trait to be fine on your own all the time.

No, it’s an excellent trait!

Lentilweaver · 03/01/2023 20:31

With my children, I worry that I am unfeeling when they come to me with anxiety or fear. I express care but encourage them to overcome it. Sometimes I think I might be a bit harsh. I worry that I might come across as cold.

You know your DC best. But I wonder if we have not done this generation a great disservice by pandering to their constant anxiety. Literally every one of my DD's friends is "anxious." About the smallest things. And then other times I think that boy, do they have a lot to be anxious about!

Holihobbies · 03/01/2023 20:35

I feel similar. I do think confidence really helps as I am never worried about being in a group of strangers and always happy to ask for help.

I am constantly met with smiles and happiness and people willing to help as that is how I approach everything and everyone.

I've also been accused of lacking empathy and this has upset me, I am good at listening and keen to help and I think sometimes my nature to try to solve problems comes across badly to those who don't want a solution and just want to wallow in their anxiety.

Twattergy · 03/01/2023 20:41

I am similar to OP but perimenopuase changes (since age c 43) have made me experience mild anxiety and a more negative/less confident approach for the first time in my life. This has helped me to empathise with others, as I don't have the in-built confidence that I once had. That said, anxiety has not dimished my contentment with doing things on my own. I actuall find its the most stress free set up, as if things go wrong I only have to deal with myself and I'm confident in my ability to use my initiative to navigate difficult situations.

DappledThings · 03/01/2023 20:50

You sound normal to me. I'd have been the same on the school trip. I broke my arm on the first of a four night residential when I was 10. Teachers offered to drive me home which hadn't occurred to me. Why would I cut the trip short? Teachers seemed really surprised.

AliasGrape · 03/01/2023 20:55

I have struggled with anxiety in the past, and I do find driving quite anxiety inducing sometimes - but I did also find myself nodding in agreement about a lot of the other stuff.

I’m very happy in my own company. Getting a flight/ going on a trip alone doesn’t bother me. I’m often baffled when people want to do things together, or make actually quite inconvenient plans just for the sake of being able to travel together for example. I don’t save things up so that I can do them with other people. The things my friends often say they get anxious about or would be ‘too nervous to do’ - I don’t tend to feel that way, but even if I did - having someone with me wouldn’t really make much difference to that or make me less so.

ShillyShallySherbet · 03/01/2023 20:55

I so relate to you OP and others like you. I actually get a kick out of getting lost, doing things on my own, flying by the seat of my pants. I like to just go with the flow, I’m very spontaneous and hate planning anything but everything seems to work out and from the outside people think I’m organised but I’m really not.

I do find it hard to make new friends though because I do think I can come across as quite cold and detached. I am sociable but I am also really happy doing my own thing and I back right off if I feel I’m being crowded by a new friend who just wants to meet up and message all the time. Luckily I have a handful of good friends who get me and know I’m always there for them even if I don’t contact them for ages, when we do meet it’s like no time has passed.

Original poster
Redtuckshop · 03/01/2023 20:56

Maybe we should start a club!

OP posts:
ShillyShallySherbet · 03/01/2023 21:08

A club sounds like a bit too much commitment for me OP 😂

Interestingly (and upsettingly if that’s a word) my daughter really struggles with anxiety. I’m wondering if it’s something to do with me having this type of personality…

saltinesandcoffeecups · 03/01/2023 21:13

Redtuckshop · 03/01/2023 20:56

Maybe we should start a club!

It would probably be a short lived club…we’d all blaze our own trail and wander off in different directions 🤣

crackofdoom · 03/01/2023 21:15

I know, right?! "Hit me up if you fancy hiking in the Pyrenees in May, but no bother because I'll also be perfectly happy on my own (shrug)" 😆

Dreamsoffreedomjoyandpeace · 03/01/2023 21:18

My exH is very much like you. I’m autistic (but didn’t know then) and have GAD so it wasn’t much fun for me because he didn’t have any empathy.

He’s absolutely useless with our two autistic sons because he can’t seem to recognise that not everyone is like him.

Of course, you could say the same about me. I would love to be like you but I can’t be because my amygdala is structurally different. And I don’t think I’d be as close to my children if I didn’t recognise their anxiety.

Lentilweaver · 03/01/2023 21:22

ShillyShallySherbet · 03/01/2023 21:08

A club sounds like a bit too much commitment for me OP 😂

Interestingly (and upsettingly if that’s a word) my daughter really struggles with anxiety. I’m wondering if it’s something to do with me having this type of personality…

So we should be more anxious so our daughters will be less anxious?:)

I think there is really no limit to mummy guilt sometimes.

Forthelast · 03/01/2023 21:24

How do you think your children should overcome negative feelings? I can understand why you worry that might come across harshly yet it may be no bad thing.

At the same time, if you're this way because you're a little shut down (not necessarily the case, maybe you just got lucky genetically and roll with the punches) it might not be great to speak to them in a way that encourages them to just swallow their feelings down somehow.

I hear you have cognitive empathy in that you understand why someone might be having feelings although your examples are quite basic (perhaps because it's mumsnet and no time to write more but if that's as deep as it goes, it seems basic). And you care about encountering negative emotions in others. Are you comfortable with others expressing feelings generally? I'm not sure you've expressed emotional empathy although it's clear that with your children, you're trying.

If you're not sure you're doing though, there are some great books on addressing feelings with children. Some steps to follow might be reassuring. 'How to listen so your kids will talk' might be worth a read if you consider it worth while.

But so many Swedish and German people would probably not raise an eyebrow at your relational style, it's all so very relative and there is lots of room for difference.

KingsAndPants · 03/01/2023 21:25

You sound brilliant! Your friends were being a bit weird and immature fretting about the one who got separated.

Forthelast · 03/01/2023 21:26

Apologies to all the hyper empathic and emotional Swedes and Germans, I realise that was a bad generalisation.

Dreamsoffreedomjoyandpeace · 03/01/2023 21:28

Do you feel guilt? Just that anxiety and guilt tend to go hand-in-hand?

Does your heart ever break for your children? Because you feel their emotions so strongly? That’s emotional empathy. Lacking in certain groups.

Dreamsoffreedomjoyandpeace · 03/01/2023 21:28

Too many question marks

Sindonym · 03/01/2023 21:30

I’m similar although I like to know where I will be sleeping that night, so do plan. Happily do stuff alone or with new people though.

123woop · 03/01/2023 21:31

I can definitely relate to this! Whilst I enjoy doing things with friends, I find it very hard to relate to people who get anxious over things, and I also have "no fear" as a general rule, which makes me good at my job, but also a bit difficult for many to relate to.
It used to drive me mad at school or even uni when you'd get people faffing and creating a fuss over things like you mention - just get on with it!

harrassedmumto3 · 03/01/2023 21:32

The Italy thing would have had me whooping as a teenager too Grin
Anywhere was more exciting than home, or so it seemed.

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