No Christmas Gift from working 17 y/o

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I'm a little bit hurt. I am a single mum of two children. I work and am the sole provider, and only constant, in my childrens lives. My eldest child, my son, who has had far more than my youngest ever will, due to being in a job with fewer hours to dedicate more time to them, and to avoid having to ask family to help with childcare.
My son is in college, and works at least 14 hours a week. He gave me a list of expensive gifts he'd like, despite being told it was money with a few small things to open, or more gifts and no money. I did put my foot down and say no to the more expensive items, as he was having £150 in money also, as per his choice. I'm fairly sure he bought his friends gifts, and bought his ds a couple of gifts out of his last pay on Christmas Eve.

He gets paid weekly and gets a minimum of £100 p/w. Where his money goes is beyond me; he really is not the type of boy to do drugs, doesn't smoke and doesn't go out too often. He told me a few days before Christmas he'd ordered me gifts, but none of them had arrived. Still nothing has arrived. Yesterday my dd commented on the fact that mummy had no presents for Christmas, and this has made her sad. He just commented 'awwww', and that is was the end of that. I didn't receive a Christmas card off him until Christmas Eve, and he didn't buy me one off his sister, because I didn't give him the money to buy one this year.

I've had a rough ride these last 3 months; disinherited from my mother due to finally standing up to her, my partner was having an affair, and I have had some health problems that will only get worse. I really tried so hard this year to create the magic, as there was just us for Christmas. I do really feel hurt that he couldn't even nip to Primark and buy me a candle, I'd have been so grateful for that. Or even a box of chocolates. I used to buy my whole family gifts this age, and have always given him spends at Christmas to buy relatives a small gift, not give to receive, but making a thoughtful gesture at a special time of year. Makes my heart sad to think my efforts of encouraging him to be thoughtful and kind have fallen of deaf ears. I really am not the type to demand expensive presents, but a gesture always means so much to me, as it just shows I've been thought of.

Does anyone else find their teens to be expecting yet reluctant to give back, or is it just mine?

It’s rubbish you didn’t receive a gift from your son, but if he has told you he has ordered things, they could just be delayed. I know something I ordered on 05/12 is still nowhere to be seen.

Why don’t you have a word with your son to say that you were hurt that he didn’t seem to make any gesture, Christmas is a time for showing people how you feel etc. then see how he responds?

I wouldn’t expect Christmas cards to be exchanged between members of the same household tbh, and I don’t think it’s fair to expect him to take responsibility for his younger sibling. If you’d like a card or gift from your DD, I would give her some money yourself and take her to the supermarket to pick something out.

You need to sit down with him, not now but later in the year and explain the expectations for working adults in the family. He needs to get cards and presents for you and his sister at birthdays and for Christmas. They do not have to be expensive but they need to be appropriate and on time.

Also, if your DD is old enough to get regular pocket money, she needs to do similar.

Yes, I would hope that a 17yo DS with disposable income would buy his mother a gift at Christmas. However -

My eldest child, my son, who has had far more than my youngest ever will, due to being in a job with fewer hours to dedicate more time to them, and to avoid having to ask family to help with childcare.

By "far more", you seem to be saying "time with you". It seems a bit unfair to hold is against a child that you chose to spend more time with them and expect them to repay you for that. It was your choice, not theirs and parenting them should be something you enjoy - not something you expect them to repay you for.

I'm fairly sure he bought his friends gifts, and bought his ds a couple of gifts out of his last pay on Christmas Eve.

That's nice of him. You've phrased it like a criticism.

He told me a few days before Christmas he'd ordered me gifts, but none of them had arrived. Still nothing has arrived.

My gifts for my DDad, PILs and SIL still haven't arrived - ordered on December 3rd. Royal Mail have caused chaos. The Christmas cards we ordered from the printers on November 4th should've taken three weeks and aren't here.

He just commented 'awwww', and that is was the end of that.

Perhaps he's trying to keep up some air of mystery, surprise and Christmas magic?

I've had a rough ride these last 3 months; disinherited from my mother due to finally standing up to her, my partner was having an affair, and I have had some health problems that will only get worse.

That's not his fault and it's not his responsibility to make up for that. Maybe he resents feeling the burden of cheering you up.

Makes my heart sad to think my efforts of encouraging him to be thoughtful and kind have fallen of deaf ears.

Is he not kind in other ways? He was kind to his friends and brother and gave you a card too.

It seems like there's a lot more to this than it might appear at first. You should maybe speak to him about this and see what his thoughts are?

You say he "bought his ds a couple of gifts out of his last pay on Christmas Eve" - do you mean his sister, or does he have a son of his own? (in which case, I'd hope that a substantial chunk of his weekly wages was going on supporting that child)

This also struck me and he didn't buy me one off his sister - why should he? He's not responsible for buying things on behalf of his siblings to give to you.

I bought items for him off his sister, and we have always exchanged cards that's just how we've always done things. He too, has cards and gifts off his sister who is 5. I didn't think a 70p card would be an issue, or popping her name on a card considering he has at least £100 per week to spend on himself.

It's more the point that he has expected plenty, but sees me as not worth spending £1.50. I am hurt by his lack of consideration but amount of expectations, despite not being raised that way.

He told you he'd ordered things and they'd not turned up yet - why are you assuming he's made this up?

I don't know how old your younger child is, but if she's too young to have her own money, then she's young enough to make you a card which surely will be more meaningful than a card someone else has bought on her behalf. I think you are asking way to much for your teen to spontaneously realise that you would like him to buy you a card from his sister. Most adults wouldn't realise this either.

If he's bought presents for his friends then this suggests you've at least partially managed to bring him up to be thoughtful.

It's possible that he is still waiting for items to arrive, if he said he had ordered stuff?

At 17, I think it's normal to buy your mum a gift at Christmas. YANBU to think that. My dd is 17 too, and always gets me a lovely, thoughtful present. However, even the most thoughtless of her mates still manage to get something for their parents. It isn't much to ask.

I understand how you feel OP. Try not to worry about him- he's still a work in progress. He's starting to be a fully formed, caring and responsible adult but he's not there yet.

I'd concentrate on doing things that help you feel close and connected, rather than addressing anything directly. Things like deciding together what to cook/watch on tv etc. it's a tough age as they are reaching away from you.

Try and plan something together 'what shall we do for little bean's birthday?'
Shall we have a family breakfast Saturday- pancakes and bacon?
Do you fancy us all going to x,y,z?

@Chickenly how you have chosen to interpret this post is entirely up to you.

My children have never had to cheer me up, nor carry my burdens in life. However, I would like to think that he would have had a little consideration for me, when I have been rather ill and still gone above and beyond, to ensure him and his sister have had absolutely everything I could possibly give them.

@Longtimelurkerfinallyposts no he has no children of his own. He has a new boyfriend, but they are not serious enough to consider adopting etc.

Firstly for some reason you're getting a hard time on this post...some people are literally picking apart bit by bit of what you've said and critiquing it! Which I don't understand?!

I think it is completely understandable why you'd be a bit pissed off and hurt that he didn't bother with a card or gift!! I would be too!!

Teenage boys just go through this terribly grumpy selfish phase as you've said already - just disappointing it's come at such a difficult point in your life when you could do with a bit of support or acknowledgement!

I think you

• wait another few weeks incase the gifts really have just been delayed by the postal strikes etc
• if he still doesn't say anything/give you anything, you have a chat with him.

You could even start it as a joke "Guess those Christmas gifts for me got lost by the Royal Mail son eh!?" And keep it casual so it doesn't escalate into a massive row.

He will mature over time and thank you in years to come for raising him in your difficult circumstances.

It's also totally normal for older siblings to sort out little gifts from younger siblings or to join forces and buy gifts together in years to come. Don't feel bad for expecting him to get a card for you from his younger sister - it's normal!! He's old enough and has enough money and sense to do this for his mum.

Keep your chin up ⭐️

Yes, always. 3 sons, never one single gift when they were working and teenagers.

I should say, I never expected it.
However years have rolled by and 2 out of the 3 of them ate still the same.

I remember my brother buying his girlfriend a lovely, expensive present when I was about 11. Certainly didn't buy family members anything half as nice or at all!

Just to point out. He told me he ordered a picture frame for my birthday 6 months ago. That didn't show up either 😂

I just worry that he'll become an expecting person, and not put an effort into being kind and considerate back.

He made a fuss because a T-shirt off his sister wasn't a colour he would have chosen. He didn't even say thank you.

Yanbu to expect a little something but honestly i would just be grateful he bought something for his younger sibling. 17 year old boys can be thoughtless and as you have always been there for him he probably takes you for granted a bit even if he doesn't mean to.
Maybe drop some heavy hints around mother's day!

@scoobycute It is always the same on these forums. What I do find alarming is, there are many similar posts where teenage girls of the same age, have been practically tarred and feathered for being rude, ungrateful etc, but when a boy of the same age displays similar behaviour, people are quick to defend that behaviour.

I would like both my children to be considerate and respectful, regardless of gender, age etc.

I always used to take my little sister to town to get a little card or a dolly mixture for my mum, because that's just how I was. Never thought spending a quid was a burden. And I have always given him money to get me something off them both in previous years.

There's other little aspects that are coming out too, such as he will only wash up his plate after tea, and leave his sisters in the sink. If he is asked to bring milk in, he will only put his orange juice away, and leave our stuff out. Just makes me worry he's turning into someone a little self centred. I hope it's just a phase.

@neveradullmoment99 perhaps it's a (mostly) male thing 💙

@picklemewalnuts yes, he is still a work in progress you're right.

Its hard to get him to tag along, now he's older and too cool! Lucky if he says hello to us, when he's with his friends 😂

We're going to a panto next weekend. I'm hoping he will still come along with us. Theatre has always been something we've enjoyed together.

@1000yellowdaisies I was extremely grateful for this, and made sure she was aware that was off him alone. She gave a big hug and a kiss to his dismay. She is always grateful though, even if he'd have given her a balloon she'd have been made up.

You are 100% right to worry a bit, because it’s SO important to raise boys to be decent men, and not just expect girls to be nice and empathic. I have a daughter and a son. If he didn’t get me a Christmas present with some thought in it I would tell him the truth that I am really a bit sad, disappointed and
a bit surprised that he didn’t think further than to expect things himself but not to give to others. It’s not something you should get away with actually, because it’s the little things that can be really, really important your entire life! To think of others, a cup of tea when you’re making yourself one or a thank you for the food, it was really good! The little things. It goes for both children, men & women, everyone.

Perhaps you need to gently start to push back. Suggest he get you that picture frame for Christmas.

When he hasn't cleared anyone else's plates, ask whether he's expecting to cook for just himself from now on.

Does he do his own laundry? Please say yes! It's an absolute basic.

Absolutely!

@Yulestorm THANK YOU!!

I absolutely believe men and women should treat each other respectfully and equally where possible.

Showing kindness and consideration is an absolute basic in any form of relationship. I will encourage this with both my children. He literally won't even speak to us sometimes, if he bumps into us with his friends. I have let this go, hoping it's a phase, but more aspects are coming out now. It really does upset me because this is not what he has been shown by me, when growing up. However, he has witnessed my parents be very derogatory and belittling of me, so perhaps he has grown to overlook me a little.

I'm grateful that you see where I'm coming from, as a mum of both genders. Thank you.

@picklemewalnuts he has now started washing his own work uniform. He's heading off to university next year, and I have highlighted how much he will need to do for himself then. I've explained it will be a big shock to his system, if he only starts once I'm not around to do it. He has taken that on board a little.

Perfect. Mine did their own washing from quite young. It really helps with routines and responsibility.

It also emphasises that household management doesn't need ovaries.

Maybe a bit of praise and thanks when either of the DC do things that contribute to the house? Or taking it in turns to decide what's for tea and occasionally cook?