No Christmas Gift from working 17 y/o

[Sc34]

I'm a little bit hurt. I am a single mum of two children. I work and am the sole provider, and only constant, in my childrens lives. My eldest child, my son, who has had far more than my youngest ever will, due to being in a job with fewer hours to dedicate more time to them, and to avoid having to ask family to help with childcare.
My son is in college, and works at least 14 hours a week. He gave me a list of expensive gifts he'd like, despite being told it was money with a few small things to open, or more gifts and no money. I did put my foot down and say no to the more expensive items, as he was having £150 in money also, as per his choice. I'm fairly sure he bought his friends gifts, and bought his ds a couple of gifts out of his last pay on Christmas Eve.

He gets paid weekly and gets a minimum of £100 p/w. Where his money goes is beyond me; he really is not the type of boy to do drugs, doesn't smoke and doesn't go out too often. He told me a few days before Christmas he'd ordered me gifts, but none of them had arrived. Still nothing has arrived. Yesterday my dd commented on the fact that mummy had no presents for Christmas, and this has made her sad. He just commented 'awwww', and that is was the end of that. I didn't receive a Christmas card off him until Christmas Eve, and he didn't buy me one off his sister, because I didn't give him the money to buy one this year.

I've had a rough ride these last 3 months; disinherited from my mother due to finally standing up to her, my partner was having an affair, and I have had some health problems that will only get worse. I really tried so hard this year to create the magic, as there was just us for Christmas. I do really feel hurt that he couldn't even nip to Primark and buy me a candle, I'd have been so grateful for that. Or even a box of chocolates. I used to buy my whole family gifts this age, and have always given him spends at Christmas to buy relatives a small gift, not give to receive, but making a thoughtful gesture at a special time of year. Makes my heart sad to think my efforts of encouraging him to be thoughtful and kind have fallen of deaf ears. I really am not the type to demand expensive presents, but a gesture always means so much to me, as it just shows I've been thought of.

Does anyone else find their teens to be expecting yet reluctant to give back, or is it just mine?

plenty of time when they have full time jobs

YOu can spell out to your son as well, OP, that presents don't have to be expensive - you would appreciate something that gets used up like food or flowers just as much.

To clarify, as some seem to totally misunderstand the root of my concern. I worry that he will become a man who will continue to expect and not give. Or someone who will see other peoples efforts as inferior, whilst offering little back himself. This can be applied to many aspects, not just a gift. My hopes for my children are that they are people who are considerate of others, and grateful for the gifts they receive from others, be it materialistic or something else.

I worry that he is on his way to becoming self centred. Not the fact he didn't go out and blow weeks worth of wages on a moaning old crow. It's the thought process, or lack of, behind the action.

Once again, thank you to for your comments.

My brother was like this with my Mother as an older teenager, and he had a well paid full time apprenticeship job, so far more disposable income than your son even.

She found it upsetting too. She didn't care about what a gift might have been or the value, it was the lack of thought and respect, indeed love, that broke her heart.

In the end she instigated a conversation where she suggested that he didn't seem to be that bothered about swapping gifts with family members any more, which was fine if that was what he wanted, she understood that not everyone felt gift exchanging was fun or important particularly as they grew older. But she just wanted to clarify in time for his next birthday and Christmas so he wasn't disappointed that his older sister (me) would still be receiving and giving gifts as part of a family exchange.

Funnily enough he was quick to reassure her that this wasn't the case, that he just 'forgot' and 'didn't plan properly' this time but would be sad if they didn't carry on with family gifts. He was pretty consistent in making an effort after that.

I think he probably realised she was calling his bluff somewhat, but he obviously did recognise she was calling him out for being a bit of a selfish git but in a way that gave him a reason to step up in future without being openly shamed into it.

My 8 year old niece bought my sister some Chocolate bars out of her pocket money from local shop, wrapped them up herself and put them under the tree. No one suggested it to her. She is just a kind and loving little girl. She certainly did not have £150 spent on her for Xmas. More like £70. I would be ashamed of my son was mean and grabby like yours. My son's have always bought me a gift from their own pocket money they have had to save to get me flowers or a mug. They are adults now but bought me flowers and a gift each. I would be telling your DS he is disappointing you by being thoughtless. My DS also offered to babysit on NY Eve so DH and I could go out for a meal too. He does this every other year.

I'm with you OP. My 16 year old bought gifts for her siblings and friends and dad but literally went out on Christmas Eve to get something for me, after me hinting for days because I knew she hadn't bought me anything. Considering I bought and wrapped all her presents (just like I have for the past 15 years) I was pretty put out I was so far down her priority list. She also "didn't have time" to make a card for her loving grandparents despite spending endless hours on YouTube etc between end of term and xmas. I'm hoping she might get more thoughtful as she gets older but I don't hold out much hope.....

I would be honest about how you feel . That is upset and unappreciated . There is a chance the orders could still turn up ?
I was really upset last Mother’s Day as DS was away at Uni and I didn’t even get a card just a text . I would not have mentioned it but he had a go at my husband and I at the state of our house when he came back for Easter . We had junk in the front room as my mom had just moved into a care home and we were transferring her things . He upset me because he was embarrassed about our house and didn’t appreciate all I had organised and I was emotional . I ended up crying and bought up I was also hurt about Mother’s Day lack of a card etc.
anyway he bought me a lovely Christmas present .
is it right to be open and honest with your children ? Others may see it differently .

is it right to be open and honest with your children ? Others may see it differently

As long as it’s honest and doesn’t turn in to some sort of emotional blackmail. Nothing would be worse.

I think a lot of this lack of consideration is a result of the whole "Santa brings you piles of presents" thing. Kids aren't taught that gifts are exchanged, they are taught it's a one way street even when they no longer believe in Santa. Less Santa and more emphasis on family reciprocity might help.

@Carolservicedeprived they obviously have it in them to be considerate. I wonder why it is, that they overlook those that they rely on day to day?

@kerstina I have always given him a space to be open and honest with me, this reflects that he was happy enough to tell me that he was gay aged 13. However, perhaps I have not given my feelings or thoughts freely, in order to avoid hurting his. You've highlighted something important for me there. Thank you.

I'm glad your son was able to learn from that experience, and ensure he fixed it when he had the opportunity.

@Liorae this is a very valid point. Thank you

Wait until his birthday and asks for something and then say "oh I wasn't going to get much as you don't buy for us and you're working now so assumed you weren't bothered about presents any more" then obviously get him it and say "imagine if got nothing today. Happy birthday"

@Sc34 I don't think your son is on the road to being self centered I think he's taken up residence and forwarding his mail there! There's no excuse for this and tbh I think it's a lie that he's ordered you something and it's in transit (if I understood correctly that point) it's been nine days are they coming from Timbuktu? I think you should pull him aside in private at home and calmly tell him you feel hurt he's got champagne taste requesting gifts but zero budget for any reciprocation. It doesn't need to be a Nuremberg trial it just needs to be clearly explained that he's damn well old and capable enough to be a responsible family member. Gently to you he sounds spoiled

Yes don't hint about it. Spell out to him that he got you nothing for your birthday and again nothing for Christmas. If he wants to receive presents going forward he needs to sort it

My ds, who is also 17, would get me a gift but it would be something edible or ordered from etsy and never arrive.
For my last birthday and this Xmas I bought myself something and asked for a contribution towards it. I never specified how much. My Xmas gift cost nearly £40, he gave me £13. When I asked why 13, because I was curious, his reply was, why not.😁
Subtle reminders don't work, blatant reminders don't work. I refuse to martyr myself. It's easier to ask for money towards something.

Theres one way to resolve this. Talk to him. I’d be upset if my son hadn’t given me a birthday or Christmas present. My ex never did it and I make sure my children do so they’ll repeat that behaviour with loved ones as they get older. If you don’t challenge it when he disrespects you, he will continue to disrespect you. You need to clearly explain to him what you expect him to do and there will be consequences if he doesn’t give you appropriate gifts, on time, to show he appreciates you. He’ll change his tune pretty quickly when if doesn’t get anything on his next birthday.

Maybe it’s just that some teens are more selfish than others and don’t place an importance on things like gifts.
The same teens place plenty of importance on receiving gifts, just not on giving them.🙄

I've suffered the same as you op . Brought my son up to be thoughtful, caring , generous. He works full time as he's dropped out of college and never bought me anything , when I asked why he also said it's in the post .
Needless to say, he will be getting a lot less from me next year as I scrimp and scrape the money to make sure Christmas is really special for him and his sister - and I know some posters say grow up, we are the adults and shouldnt 'expect' anything, but it's not the actual worth of the gift, it's that it makes us feel so totally irrelevant and invisible to them. I suppose it's just that it really hurts . Feeling your pain

I honestly don't understand why some parents expect nothing from their children. I don't mean in terms of material things, obviously, but in terms of consideration.

Your role in life isn't to show them that other people don't have needs, and the world revolves around them.

Have to say though this is explaining a lot about all the dates I went on with men who didn't ask me a single question about myself. Why bother when they've been raised to think they're the main character on planet earth?

He’s selfish but you continue being a good mum