No Christmas Gift from working 17 y/o

[Sc34]

I'm a little bit hurt. I am a single mum of two children. I work and am the sole provider, and only constant, in my childrens lives. My eldest child, my son, who has had far more than my youngest ever will, due to being in a job with fewer hours to dedicate more time to them, and to avoid having to ask family to help with childcare.
My son is in college, and works at least 14 hours a week. He gave me a list of expensive gifts he'd like, despite being told it was money with a few small things to open, or more gifts and no money. I did put my foot down and say no to the more expensive items, as he was having £150 in money also, as per his choice. I'm fairly sure he bought his friends gifts, and bought his ds a couple of gifts out of his last pay on Christmas Eve.

He gets paid weekly and gets a minimum of £100 p/w. Where his money goes is beyond me; he really is not the type of boy to do drugs, doesn't smoke and doesn't go out too often. He told me a few days before Christmas he'd ordered me gifts, but none of them had arrived. Still nothing has arrived. Yesterday my dd commented on the fact that mummy had no presents for Christmas, and this has made her sad. He just commented 'awwww', and that is was the end of that. I didn't receive a Christmas card off him until Christmas Eve, and he didn't buy me one off his sister, because I didn't give him the money to buy one this year.

I've had a rough ride these last 3 months; disinherited from my mother due to finally standing up to her, my partner was having an affair, and I have had some health problems that will only get worse. I really tried so hard this year to create the magic, as there was just us for Christmas. I do really feel hurt that he couldn't even nip to Primark and buy me a candle, I'd have been so grateful for that. Or even a box of chocolates. I used to buy my whole family gifts this age, and have always given him spends at Christmas to buy relatives a small gift, not give to receive, but making a thoughtful gesture at a special time of year. Makes my heart sad to think my efforts of encouraging him to be thoughtful and kind have fallen of deaf ears. I really am not the type to demand expensive presents, but a gesture always means so much to me, as it just shows I've been thought of.

Does anyone else find their teens to be expecting yet reluctant to give back, or is it just mine?

I agree with you OP. He also had form for glossing over the truth (saying he has ordered something which never arrives) so I would ask him again in a week or so where are the things he's ordered. Also set stricter limits on what you get him. He can't expect expensive gifts and give nothing in return.

@picklemewalnuts
Yes definitely, thank you. I have started to go over basic meals with him, as I don't want him living off fast food when he leaves home.

And I would like to think he will be self sufficient to some extent, when he lives with others in his accommodation. Thank you for your understanding.

@mewkins yes you're right. I hope he will not expect more than he can give. If he receives more, be grateful, but don't complain if he can't repay the same efforts.

My 16yo doesn't work but buys me a gift out of pocket money. I would not expect him to buy me a gift from his younger sibling. If I wanted that I would have specifically said so in early December.

He's your son. Can't you ask him directly if he needs help chasing up the gifts lost in the post ? My 16yo son knows how to return clothes bought online in order to get a refund but might need support getting a refund so he can buy you a gift in a real shop instead. My son would not mind me asking about which company would be delivering my gifts and what date the item was dispatched.

I am a single parent with teens and I mean this kindly but you are placing too much pressure on your son to create some Christmas magic for you. (I'm assuming that he ordered you gifts) It might be wise if you are more specific about your expectations before the next event like Mothers Day or your birthday and ask him achievable things like to take his sibling out or take a photo of the two of them.

If you think that he didn't really order gifts then yanbu to expect better from him - especially if he gets to keep more of his wages because you drop off and pick up from work.

Having read you updates about his attitudes to housework I see why you are concerned. How would he feel if you cooked for everyone except him or hoovered all bedrooms except his? It is petty and in my house we call it being a Tory (it's a joke but makes the point in a lighthearted way )

@Sc34 It sounds like he could gave picked it up from your parents then, perhaps subconsciously. When my children were early teenagers I often told them that they should never feel embarrassed over me or their dad. I remember this feeling with my own parents (and they were honestly the best). Because if anyone does anything embarrassing it’s them who should be embarrassed and noone else has to take on that feeling. I don’t know why or how, but for some reason they seem to have listened to this as they’ve always laughed or just looked on quietly and then got on with it in situations I understand actually could have been embarrassing for them. 😂 I think you should call your ds out when he doesn’t say hello to you. Because that is a hurtful thing to do to anyone. Last week my 20-year old cycled to the bus stop past my work (I was outdoors with my colleagues). Apparently I didn’t see him wave a big hello, and I said why didn’t you just shout hello then. He said he didn’t want to embarrass or interrupt me in front of my colleagues, but then the next day I heard him scream ’Hiiiiii mum!!’ with a big grin on his face and a wave as he cycled past. Life is too short not to be nice to the important people in your life.

Think I'd say nothing and change it for next year. I'd explain his budget is £50, and spend £50 on myself. If he questioned your new budget, I'd point at the present under the tree (for myself) and say, about time I had a present to open, never had any last year.

Mine are late teens,at Uni,have holiday jobs
I totally discourage them buying us Christmas,birthday or other gifts

@PeekAtYou
There is too much for me to put in original post. This present thing is just topping off. I also had to ask him to get his sister a gift, he didn't do so from the kindness of his heart. He was thanked gratefully for doing so though.

I have tried so hard to raise him from a place of kindness, and give him as much as I possibly can both emotionally and physically. I think it just feels like a kick in the teeth to know he just didn't even have it about him to think, "mum loves galaxy, I'll buy her a bar off us for Christmas" but expected a £140 coat, personalised converse, new tablet etc.

I don't expect him to create Christmas magic for me, but I do expect him to offer something back, when he is quick to expect from others. I do expect him to be considerate and not expect it from others if he can but refuses to offer something himself. I'm conscious he's of an age where he's fast becoming a man, and really don't want him placing these expectations on others.

You're right, maybe I do need to ask where things are coming from. He may think twice about telling porky pies in future. The little tinker.

I like the Tory reference, I may use that term myself from now on!

@Yulestorm
I love that he wanted you to know he had tried (politely) to get your attention. Bless his heart. Goes to show you have done a wonderful job, just with that action alone.

Hopefully I can counteract his behaviours somewhere, now my mother is not involved. Hopefully my daughter will not learn this behaviour from them also.

Thank you for your comment.

@Beautiful3 He's asked for a trip to Amsterdam for his 18th. He may get a trip to the chippy instead. If he's lucky.

Wow, as soon as my siblings and I were working we upped our game with my mothers gifts. Even when we weren't working we always bought gifts from pocket money. I can't imagine sitting there opening gifts without exchanging one with my mother.

Mine did get a trip to Amsterdam, for his 19th. 😅 He brought back presents.

I can't believe that people are suggesting that a 17 year old who is capable of work, college etc buying a present isn't "achievable". In my family children were expected to buy presents for their parents (originally with money given by the parents) from primary school onwards. Nothing big, things like a pair of gloves, pack of chocs, christmas decoration etc. It's a good habit to get kids into AS EARLY AS POSSIBLE and quite honestly OP I'd make sure both your kids know that it's something you expect them to do from now on as family life isn't just one way.

Unlike other posters here I would keep pestering your son about where your present is until he cracks and bloody orders you something! As you say he's practically and adult and if you see him treat his own partner or friends with such a lack of care in future you'll be mortified.

The habit you're trying to give them involves a) thinking of others as real people and trying to think what they might like b) being generous c) being appreciative (because in some ways buying a present for them is a way of saying you appreciate them/love them/are thankful for their role in your life).

Hi op. I didn’t receive anything from my 19 year old ds either and I know how much it stings. The only time he has ever bought me something was one year when he had a gf and I’m guessing she told him he had to? He didn’t wrap it though.

my ds is at uni and works part time during his studies, he doesn’t earn much, prob £50 a week, but I give him a £60 a week allowance and he has his student loans. His excuse was ‘I didn’t have any money to get you a gift’. Despite the fact that he smokes and I know he’d been to stay with a friend in London earlier in the month so that will have cost a fair bit.

to be honest I just try and detach from it now, when he gets to 21 I will just start giving him a token gift for Xmas. You don’t give to receive and it’s not like I can’t afford to buy myself nice things if I want, it’s just nice to be thought of and appreciated especially when we do so much for our kids (like supporting hun through uni!) but if it transpires that he’s just not into gift giving then when he’s 21 he won’t get much from me. Hugs op. I get it. Try to focus on positives. Fwiw my 18 year old dd always gets me a little something as does my 15 year old ds. Maybe it’s just that some teens are more selfish than others and don’t place an importance on things like gifts.

I would feel exactly as you do, upset and disappointed that I had raised an entitled, ungrateful, ungenerous brat and that perhaps my putting them ahead of myself had caused it. This is how I do feel with my own DS (although to be fair he wouldn't ask for/expect designer clothes but certainly wouldn't think of spending his money on anyone but himself). Have only read your replies, hopefully some people have had some good suggestions for you, I shall read them now for myself.

Thank you all. I feel bad wanting to be considered, but that's due to other relationships I have had in my childhood.

The truth is I have gone above and beyond because nobody ever did that for me. From now on though, I will pull back. Maybe then he will understand what I have tried to teach him. I don't believe in classing all teenagers the same, as I have worked with far worse and far kinder. I think this is why I worry, because I really don't want him to go further down the route his is currently on.

Thank you all once again. X

From now on though, I will pull back. Maybe then he will understand what I have tried to teach him.

I’m not so sure he will get it, unless you use your words and tell him what you’ve told us. That you’ve tried hard to raise him in a certain way, that you feel talked down to by your parents which makes feel like shit, and how you feel when he doesn’t say hello to you. He might not give you much of a reaction, but he will have heard you. Be sincere and tell him you love him too.

YANBU at all. It's hugely thoughtless of him. And that's the end of it really. Yes it is possible he's awaiting a gift to come in the post (I got one today that had been delayed for a month) but you know best whether he's shining you on!

TBH I was a thoughtless little beast to my mum; on the flip side, my kids - who get minimal pocket money (less than a tenner a month) - all bought me a little something, which was surprising and lovely.

“DS, what did you order for my Christmas present? I gave you £150.”

What is the answer to this?

Why?

I'm sorry but i think your taking it to heart more than you should. Most parents tell their kids not to worry about buying them anything for christmas or birthdays, i'd rather my kids keep the money for themselves than by me a poxy christmas gift

*Buy

My young teens ordered me something little online but it still hasn’t arrived. To be honest I’d rather they spend their money on themselves.

I’d be hurt. I got a very late gift from my 16 year old but it was delayed in the post and he was upset he didn’t have anything to give on the day, so in the first instance I’d believe your son but pull him up on it if it doesn’t appear. Even my 8 year old bought everyone gifts (total budget £9.20 but everyone got chocolate or a book from the charity shop - the point was she spent her own money and she took time choosing). My 12 year old got last minute gifts for family apart from me as I coached him through it and DH didn’t think to but he is neuro diverse and struggles with this stuff. I will keep trying. Giving and receiving gifts is an important part of many people’s love language and if it’s important to you then you need to spell it out.

@lemesser6 @dutysuite I am respectful of your choices.

I guess this is why you end up with DILs who are expected to buy presents for their husband's family? Because before they arrived, no presents were required or forthcoming?