So what does he want to do then

[Sickofthisgroundhog]

Dp and I haven’t got on for ages, we’re both unhappy, I try so hard to be happy and we put on a good act for Dd, 4. But I’m concerned now that she’ll pick up on it all. Dp says things under his breath and just seems really resentful, pessimistic etc and says quite nasty things sometimes. I’ve attempted tonight, the same conversation I’ve tried a few times before and got nowhere. After me being ill in bed and Dd asking for a story before bed and him pointedly saying that he’d read her a story, then muttering something under his breath ..just nasty.
I've asked him what he wants to do as he’s clearly not happy, doesn’t seem like me anymore, is angry, resentful, always complaining etc. I’ve said I just want to be happy, for all of us to be happy and for Dd not to grow up in an unhealthy environment.
He went mad as usual, he can’t calmly discuss things, said I wasn’t going to take Dd away from him (I’ve never said this and never would) that I’m narcissistic and he can see through me 🤷🏻‍♀️that I’m trying to put all the blame on him and that this year he’s going to sort himself out and get back to himself so he can be the best for Dd.
I said about how we don’t have a relationship anymore-don’t share the same bed, sit or really talk together, don’t have a laugh etc, that I try to be happy, go out with friends (he rarely wants to come, even though it’s partners etc and knows them all) He said I went cold years ago and I said if I did it was because of the reasons stated. Started to get frustrated and asked him what we were going to do as I just want us all to be happy, he said why was it him that was expected to make changes, I can but he can’t tell me with what.
He came to no conclusion, just got angry, storming outside shouting that I was weird and had mental issues.
It's always the same, he never addresses it/says what he wants either way, so I’ve no idea so am always left in limbo in a situation that just continues on and off until the next time I bring it up
Why won’t he talk/say what we should do to all be happy

*To like me

Will he consider couples therapy? If not it seems hopeless.

Aw, this sounds rotten. I guess I'd say it's unreasonable to be asking someone how to be happy as a family. To get there maybe you need to work on specifics of what you all need. Boring response, I'm sorry, but counselling sounds the best option.

To state the obvious your communication has entirely broken down. Neither of you seem to be saying what you actually feel or want or need. You've both fallen into old patterns of speaking to each other and arguing and it sounds like neither of you are succeeding in explaining anything you feel or think and the other is not properly hearing or listening. I think you need to go to counselling asap for the sake of your child and each other. I don't think MN is going to be able to help with this one.

This

Sounds like he wants out as much as you do but won’t say so, meaning you have to, then you’re the bad guy who broke up the family.

@AnneLovesGilbert But why, why can’t we come to this decision together if he wants the same thing?

He just said he’s tired, trying to work hard and be the best dad and me saying this makes him feel 100% worse

Why are you waiting for him to do or say anything? You have done everything within your power already to get him to talk to you about it. Now you look at what else is within your power. You can stay and put up with it or you can leave. You don't need to wait for him to release you.

It seems like you're expecting him have the answer as to how you can all "be happy", and he doesn't have it. Neither do you. As others have said maybe you need to sit down in front of somebody neutral who can help you unpick what's going on and work out the next step.

Sometimes people don’t know the answer to their problems.
He’s unhappy, you’re saying he has to tell you what he wants to change in order for things to get better. He doesn’t know what to change and feels pressurised and angry that he is expected to have all the answers.
My guess, if he can’t say what’s wrong, he’s probably depressed.

This.
why can’t you make the decision yourself?
Take control of your own happiness.

Because ideally I’d love for us to stay together for Dds sake and just be happy, not the way it is

Even if he told me every single thing I did, if he just communicated it and If he just tried to be happier and more motivated, less mean and resentful and angry all the time

Couples therapy really is the answer. It will help you both work out how to be happier together, and if it becomes clear that you won't, will help you work out how to be happier apart.

Why are you allowing this fuckwit to be in control of your relationship?

This relationship is NEVER going to work, it is toxic and a horrible example for your child, and it needs to end immediately. Your partner is abusive and is gaslighting the fuck out of you.

Take control and end this right now. It's over and has been for a very long time.

@Aquamarine1029 How is he abusive and gaslighting-genuinely asking as I get so confused by it-he says I’m gaslighting, but how? by trying to talk about the relationship?

Cherchez la femme, OP.

@AuntieEntity It’s not that, he doesn’t have time, I’d know

How do you see yourselves ever being happy together?

He says you checked out years ago, you list his many many faults. There’s no team work, laugher, intimacy, communication.

When did you last have any of those things? Where did they go? Did you check out on him years ago?

And of course your DD knows, you’re both stressed and angry and resentful and the atmosphere will be awful, she’s probably used to it but that’s not a good thing.

If he just tried to be happier and more motivated, less mean and resentful and angry all the time

You've asked him to do this and he has refused to recognise that he is responsible for any part of your family's unhappiness. He attacks you instead of reflecting. You can't force him to change or acknowledge your concerns. So now do what you can control. Provide your child with a calm, happy and safe home. Away from him.

God, every time. Unhelpful, not based on anything, predictable. OP is the one who’s bringing up leaving, he’s not even agreeing to it. Just why?

@AnneLovesGilbert We’re ok in front of Dd and some days are ok, even pleasant and laughing

@AnneLovesGilbert OP is bringing up wanting to separate based on his shitty behaviour - the muttering under his breath, the unkindness. What came first, his behaviour or her desire to separate? If the former, I stand by my comment. I know many women who would've sworn blind their husbands didn't have time to have affairs.

Just my opinion in any case. Other opinions are available.

This is a difficult one, without hearing his thoughts too. Trying to be balanced in opinion rather than taking sides as such.

I'm just wondering if you are both perceiving each other a bit wrong and there is obviously a huge miscommunication. He sounds like he's frustrated and taking swipes at you. I wonder why he is doing this. What is he frustrated at in that moment. Is he depressed and taking it out on you?

I ask because men are terrible with their own emotions. Before admitting anything, they sometimes go grumpy and snap. And maybe he doesn't even know he's feeling that way.
These are obviously potentials and assumptions and I could be wrong but just going by the OP written.

If it is that he is not happy with the relationship then has he said this outright to you?