So what does he want to do then

[Sickofthisgroundhog]

Dp and I haven’t got on for ages, we’re both unhappy, I try so hard to be happy and we put on a good act for Dd, 4. But I’m concerned now that she’ll pick up on it all. Dp says things under his breath and just seems really resentful, pessimistic etc and says quite nasty things sometimes. I’ve attempted tonight, the same conversation I’ve tried a few times before and got nowhere. After me being ill in bed and Dd asking for a story before bed and him pointedly saying that he’d read her a story, then muttering something under his breath ..just nasty.
I've asked him what he wants to do as he’s clearly not happy, doesn’t seem like me anymore, is angry, resentful, always complaining etc. I’ve said I just want to be happy, for all of us to be happy and for Dd not to grow up in an unhealthy environment.
He went mad as usual, he can’t calmly discuss things, said I wasn’t going to take Dd away from him (I’ve never said this and never would) that I’m narcissistic and he can see through me 🤷🏻‍♀️that I’m trying to put all the blame on him and that this year he’s going to sort himself out and get back to himself so he can be the best for Dd.
I said about how we don’t have a relationship anymore-don’t share the same bed, sit or really talk together, don’t have a laugh etc, that I try to be happy, go out with friends (he rarely wants to come, even though it’s partners etc and knows them all) He said I went cold years ago and I said if I did it was because of the reasons stated. Started to get frustrated and asked him what we were going to do as I just want us all to be happy, he said why was it him that was expected to make changes, I can but he can’t tell me with what.
He came to no conclusion, just got angry, storming outside shouting that I was weird and had mental issues.
It's always the same, he never addresses it/says what he wants either way, so I’ve no idea so am always left in limbo in a situation that just continues on and off until the next time I bring it up
Why won’t he talk/say what we should do to all be happy

Being tired all the time isn't normal. If he really wants to be his best for his child, he needs to go to the doctor. Obviously you can't force him but he could be lacking in Vitamin D, have Hypothyroidism, or depression. He needs to seek medical help.

Abusers also blow hot and cold and try to elicit sympathy as they want to keep you in a role of constantly trying to understand/help/cater to them, and ensure you are grateful for small crumbs of positivity. This pattern diminishes your energy/sense of self worth and thus maximises their control over you eg. they will make lots of excuses for themselves (stress at work/depression/exhaustion etc) and anything less pleasant (narcissism/jealousy/control) they will lay at your door, either before you can accuse them of it or as a direct counter to you calling it out.

Never go to counselling with an abuser, so read the book first and figure out if it's worth going down that route.

Hopefully you'll feel it is entirely unrelated to your situation. Good luck!

Rather than asking him what he wants, say what you want.
I want us to stay together
I want us to work at fixing our relationship
I want us both to be happy and happy as a family.

Then suggest counselling. If you said what do you want to me, I would think you want out.

Best if luck give it one more go.

Good advice. As well as saying the above to him I would also tell him that you realise you both have to make changes in how you relate to each other and you're willing to do that and you hope he is too.