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AIBU?

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Original poster

So what does he want to do then

54 replies

Sickofthisgroundhog · 02/01/2023 22:17

Dp and I haven’t got on for ages, we’re both unhappy, I try so hard to be happy and we put on a good act for Dd, 4. But I’m concerned now that she’ll pick up on it all. Dp says things under his breath and just seems really resentful, pessimistic etc and says quite nasty things sometimes. I’ve attempted tonight, the same conversation I’ve tried a few times before and got nowhere. After me being ill in bed and Dd asking for a story before bed and him pointedly saying that he’d read her a story, then muttering something under his breath ..just nasty.
I've asked him what he wants to do as he’s clearly not happy, doesn’t seem like me anymore, is angry, resentful, always complaining etc. I’ve said I just want to be happy, for all of us to be happy and for Dd not to grow up in an unhealthy environment.
He went mad as usual, he can’t calmly discuss things, said I wasn’t going to take Dd away from him (I’ve never said this and never would) that I’m narcissistic and he can see through me 🤷🏻‍♀️that I’m trying to put all the blame on him and that this year he’s going to sort himself out and get back to himself so he can be the best for Dd.
I said about how we don’t have a relationship anymore-don’t share the same bed, sit or really talk together, don’t have a laugh etc, that I try to be happy, go out with friends (he rarely wants to come, even though it’s partners etc and knows them all) He said I went cold years ago and I said if I did it was because of the reasons stated. Started to get frustrated and asked him what we were going to do as I just want us all to be happy, he said why was it him that was expected to make changes, I can but he can’t tell me with what.
He came to no conclusion, just got angry, storming outside shouting that I was weird and had mental issues.
It's always the same, he never addresses it/says what he wants either way, so I’ve no idea so am always left in limbo in a situation that just continues on and off until the next time I bring it up
Why won’t he talk/say what we should do to all be happy

OP posts:
mumofone2019 · 02/01/2023 23:04

This reply has been withdrawn

This post has been withdrawn at the poster's request due to privacy concerns.

Aquamarine1029 · 02/01/2023 23:04

Sickofthisgroundhog · 02/01/2023 22:43

@Aquamarine1029 How is he abusive and gaslighting-genuinely asking as I get so confused by it-he says I’m gaslighting, but how? by trying to talk about the relationship?

He shouts at you, telling you you have mental health issues, blaming you for the relationship issues. He's an arsehole and I sincerely wish you'd take the blinders off and leave him.

Original poster
Sickofthisgroundhog · 02/01/2023 23:04

@SugarplumFairyyy He hasn’t really said anything outright, just gone completely on the defensive about how I want to split up the family and blame it on him and take Dd away from him 😔I’ve never said anything of the sort and wouldn’t as want him to be around for her obviously. I don’t know if he’s just staying because of Dd. He says he’s tired all the time, anxious, ill all the time, he’s been like that for ages but as with everything, he won’t go to the drs or do anything about it. He says I judge him and having these conversations and me saying he’s these things makes him feel shit

OP posts:
SugarplumFairyyy · 02/01/2023 23:17

Sickofthisgroundhog · 02/01/2023 23:04

@SugarplumFairyyy He hasn’t really said anything outright, just gone completely on the defensive about how I want to split up the family and blame it on him and take Dd away from him 😔I’ve never said anything of the sort and wouldn’t as want him to be around for her obviously. I don’t know if he’s just staying because of Dd. He says he’s tired all the time, anxious, ill all the time, he’s been like that for ages but as with everything, he won’t go to the drs or do anything about it. He says I judge him and having these conversations and me saying he’s these things makes him feel shit

The thing about you taking DD away from him sounds like hes voicing his worst fears.

You both need to reach a space where you can talk openly, with no judgment towards each other, if possible. He also will need to be more vulnerable and tell you what's going on.

Maybe couples counselling?

SugarplumFairyyy · 02/01/2023 23:24

Aquamarine1029 · 02/01/2023 23:04

He shouts at you, telling you you have mental health issues, blaming you for the relationship issues. He's an arsehole and I sincerely wish you'd take the blinders off and leave him.

Show quote history

I think him calling her a narcissist is definitely something that needs to be unpacked. Where does he get that from?

Just would like to ask OP- do you feel he is abusive? Because saying mean things under his breath or being negative doesn't necessarily point to him being abusive.

Parrotid · 02/01/2023 23:27

John Gottman’s work, especially around the Four Horsemen is a very good place to start.

HE needs some therapy. Somehow you are the enemy and he just defend himself. So he needs to get to the bottom of that.

Original poster
Sickofthisgroundhog · 02/01/2023 23:28

@SugarplumFairyyy I think because these are the terms thrown around a lot now-gaslighting, narcissistic etc, when I say how, he can’t give examples
He’s verbally quite abusive, he storms around a lot and slams doors etc, he does it a lot less now due to Dd, but still can’t seem to realise how he acts and to get control of himself

OP posts:
GabriellaMontez · 02/01/2023 23:29

What does he say under his breath? To you or dd?

SugarplumFairyyy · 02/01/2023 23:33

Sickofthisgroundhog · 02/01/2023 23:28

@SugarplumFairyyy I think because these are the terms thrown around a lot now-gaslighting, narcissistic etc, when I say how, he can’t give examples
He’s verbally quite abusive, he storms around a lot and slams doors etc, he does it a lot less now due to Dd, but still can’t seem to realise how he acts and to get control of himself

I think your admittance to him being verbally abusive means you know hes going way over the top beyond reason. And he shouldn't be using excuses to defend that, quite honestly.
If he can't have a calm conversation and try to meet you half way then he will kill off the relationship.
You do not need to stay with someone verbally abusive and you should frankly tell him so.

Original poster
Sickofthisgroundhog · 02/01/2023 23:34

@GabriellaMontez To/about me…for example, I’ve been sick in bed and was with Dd all today, when he came back I went up to get in bed early as needed to lie down. He brought Dd up to bed and she asked for a story, that’s all, he sort of gave the vibe he was angry about it and muttered something under his breath. Likely that I couldn’t be arsed to do it or something..but I’ve been quite sick..just really mean behaviour and no need, it’s just a story, just resentful and everything is too much, it’s miserable

OP posts:
SugarplumFairyyy · 02/01/2023 23:36

Sickofthisgroundhog · 02/01/2023 23:34

@GabriellaMontez To/about me…for example, I’ve been sick in bed and was with Dd all today, when he came back I went up to get in bed early as needed to lie down. He brought Dd up to bed and she asked for a story, that’s all, he sort of gave the vibe he was angry about it and muttered something under his breath. Likely that I couldn’t be arsed to do it or something..but I’ve been quite sick..just really mean behaviour and no need, it’s just a story, just resentful and everything is too much, it’s miserable

Sounds like he's belittling you and resents you.
It's very nasty and passive aggressive way he's doing.

deflatedbirthday · 02/01/2023 23:36

OP this sounds miserable. For both of you. You can't force him to be happy. Have you considered that he might be depressed? His mentioning of mental health issues might be deflection. Perhaps there's something going on at work and he's worried, or his health. Then being told to 'just be happy' is pushing him over the edge. Maybe he just is unhappy but doesn't see a way out. He sounds like he's scared of losing his daughter. I guess for a man that can be a real worry, they know they want to leave but are scared of the next step.

SugarplumFairyyy · 02/01/2023 23:37

I agree with PP about him being depressed BUT this is no excuse for him to treat you as his punch bag.

Original poster
Sickofthisgroundhog · 02/01/2023 23:39

@SugarplumFairyyy He always feels he’s doing more, when the reality is the complete opposite in terms of Dd, I do and always have done so much more, why can’t we just work together as a team, the moaning and comments. He’s always got sort of angry when I’m sick, why? It’s just not normal to me

OP posts:
Original poster
Sickofthisgroundhog · 02/01/2023 23:41

@deflatedbirthday He says he’s anxious a lot and tired a lot and I’ve seen it, I’ve encouraged him to go to the doctors, said to meet up with his old friends, get back to his hobbies, he says he’s too tired etc. I get it, I feel the same sometimes too but do we live like this forever

OP posts:
Original poster
Sickofthisgroundhog · 02/01/2023 23:43

By trying to have these discussions, I’m trying to say to him, what does he want to do, he acts like he hates me and can’t keep doing that, then he gets angry at *Me

OP posts:
Merryoldgoat · 02/01/2023 23:43

OP - you can’t make him change. Unless he wants to he won’t.

Why are you waiting for him? Make yourself happy and get your child away from his temper.

selfindulgentmoaner · 02/01/2023 23:44

The accusations of narcissism and gas lighting are a bit of a red flag.

OP - I’m assuming you aren’t either of those! And if you aren’t, he’s the gas lighter.

my ex-H accused me of being abusive. I was devastated. It took a wise therapist to make me realise this was utter bullshit. He was the abuser.

my attempts to talk about our issues were met with accusations that I was making a fuss about nothing. I was the one who was dragging him down because nothing he did was ever good enough. The thing is, it wasn’t! He was selfish, lazy, resentful and had checked out of parenting.

what I’m saying is that if he is never taking any responsibility for any of his actions, then he is the one who’s being abusive.

deflatedbirthday · 02/01/2023 23:46

Sickofthisgroundhog · 02/01/2023 23:41

@deflatedbirthday He says he’s anxious a lot and tired a lot and I’ve seen it, I’ve encouraged him to go to the doctors, said to meet up with his old friends, get back to his hobbies, he says he’s too tired etc. I get it, I feel the same sometimes too but do we live like this forever

I agree with @SugarplumFairyyy that if he is depressed it is in no way an excuse to treat you badly. It is an explanation and a starting point perhaps.

It sounds like he needs to talk to someone other than you. Could you confide in one of his friends to see if he will open up to them? Maybe a few home truths might be in order.

Merlott · 02/01/2023 23:52

How specific have you been in saying exactly what behaviours are unacceptable?

E.g. muttering under breath = unacceptable, if he has something to say then he says it like an adult

E.g. shouting = unacceptable, same as above, if he can't control himself he needs to go for a walk to calm down and then come back and say it calmly like an adult

E.g. attacking and criticising without offering a solution = unacceptable, parenting and running a household is a team activity, again act like an adult and be the solution not the problem.

Just saying "be happy" isn't very specific and clearly he needs it spelling out as he doesn't know or want to be an adult.

samqueens · 02/01/2023 23:53

Highly recommend you download and read the Lundy Bancroft book Why Does He Do That? And see if it sheds any light on what’s happening.

Agree with previous posters that it’s a flag if he is wildly escalating accusations without cause (eg. About you taking DD away, or accusing you of being narcissistic etc)

If you read it and feel it doesn’t apply then great, but it’s an extremely insightful book.

I found it helped me understand why all conversations seemed circular and no issue was ever resolved….

Tomatotomatopotatopotato · 02/01/2023 23:55

@Sickofthisgroundhog A large number of posters have suggested counselling. It seems to be your only hope of sorting this.

Are you willing to do this?
Is he?

Original poster
Sickofthisgroundhog · 02/01/2023 23:59

I’m definitely willing to do counselling, not sure if he would be. Is it time to issue an ultimatum? Do counselling and go to the doctors or nothing will change?

OP posts:
Original poster
Sickofthisgroundhog · 03/01/2023 00:02

@samqueens A flag how though?

OP posts:
samqueens · 03/01/2023 00:24

Sickofthisgroundhog · 03/01/2023 00:02

@samqueens A flag how though?

This type of response can be part of a pattern of abuse - it is intended to ensure that you are always on the backfoot and that you're too busy fending off his accusations or second guessing yourself to analyse his behaviour too closely. A clever manipulator also finds a kernel of genuine anxiety or shame or truth to exploit, which makes it harder to outright dismiss what they are saying.

I don't know enough about your situation to say either way whether your partner is abusive but other posters have also picked up on the possibility so it's worth considering.

The book is available on kindle app etc and when I read it so many things that had made no sense to me previously suddenly fell into place.