Parents of neurodivergent teenagers

[Stuckinthemiddle2003]

To expect support financially and physically...

Dd is nearly 20 and has adhd/autism and I'm feeling stuck with what to do.
She has always been quiet, has no 'real' friends (lots online) and she very rarely goes out other than with me or dh. She lies all the time even to our faces.
She attended college just before Covid happened so most of it was online and she hasn't done anything since, and lied her way through most of it, things like telling tutors we have no Internet when the only reason she hadn't submitted work is because she'd procrastinated.

She spends her days in her room which is a mess, sleeping in and staying up late.

I have tried to talk to her many times but she just cries and before now has even said 'I didn't ask to be born.'
She also seems to have high levels of anxiety.

She will reluctantly empty the dishwasher once a day (extremely slowly) and will leave anything with even the tiniest bit of food/mark on.
She doesn't do anything else and if I ask her to do something, she takes ages (like hours) and usually does it poorly.

I suggested she should contact the job centre in the hope they'd offer guidance/support in moving her life along as I am at a loss but they are doing nothing but she now has a monthly income for doing sweet FA.
Again, I am unsure how much bullsh@t she is telling them.
She gets a bus to appointments but will happily want a lift if she can get away with it. This is the only time she leaves the house without a parent.

Myself and dh both work full-time and I have a health condition. We also have a younger child (12)
She is very educated but opiniated and regularly clashes with dh although silently, they just avoid each other mostly but I feel stuck in the middle constantly trying to keep the peace, consider dd's mental health and improve things plus trying to keep myself well.
Honestly, it's hell but it's also impossible to work out whether it's just pure laziness or the adhd/autism and where to go next, she is so fragile.
Should I expect more from her? Financially and physically?
Any suggestions? Please be gentle

Why do you go along with that anyway?

Apologies I don't understand what you mean?

This is really useful thank you, I will discuss this with her. Art and animation are definitely her thing too 👍
I'd discounted higher ed after our college experience but this would be ideal. I'm not even bothered about it leading anywhere but just getting out, meeting people
Doors open all the time in life

You're right I'm not a Dr but youngest has adhd and so do I. Typical neurodivergent household plus my brother amd nephews
It's highly likely
It is her choice not to explore the possibility though

Is she happy with those labels?!

Perfect thankyou, this is helpful to explore with her. Never turned it round like this but I'm definitely using it!
I suggested GP about her anxiety recently which she is considering as again its holding her back.

She is definitely “opinionated” and “fragile” (as in delicate)
But I mean its impossible to know whether she is taking advantage or genuinely struggling

And for clarity I'm not telling her anything of the sort I just want to help her in a way that actually helps
My brother was (still is) very fragile and highly anxious and he was marched round factory's til someone gave him a job 😔
That would destroy my dd

Soul destroying isn't it 😔
Absolutely heartbreaking 💔
Feel for both of you @ditherydotty and @lollipoprainbow and your children
I'd like to say it gets easier but as OP you can see I don't have any answers

100% this! Document everything and be that parent

Hi OP, this was my DS at the same age, fortunately for us we had some respite from his behaviour as he was away at uni. His course required an internship, so a break in the course, but he came home and practically stayed in bed for 9 months.

We knew he was depressed but he refused medication but accepted counselling. At 26 he was diagnosed with ADD and accepted medication.

He is a different person now that he understands his condition and the medication has been a lifesaver. He really struggled for a long time and we struggled to understand his struggle if that makes sense.

As a result of his diagnosis, I did a lot of research to understand how we could support him and discovered I also have ADD. I'm now on medication and it has transformed my life, I didn't realise how much I'd struggled with life before this point.

I understand where you're coming from. Has your DD had a formal diagnosis and receiving meds? If not, I'd recommend both if possible.

Can I just clarify BPD - bipolar?
Incase it's cross wires
But yes she can lie for England and you can't tell. But I'm a wing it gal - blagged most of my life 😬

live their best life online and very rarely leave their flat but they seem reasonably happy - this would be her best life minus a call centre job!
I'm guessing your son with adhd is hyperactive by your description, both mine are inattentive (although busy minds) so unlikely to be trouble but who knows 🤷🏼‍♀️
Tell me it gets easier and I'm not going to end up with adult children gaming away in my house when I'm 60 odd 🙈 🤣

Apologies OP I've only just read your DD refuses to visit the doctor and doesn't want to be labelled. My DS came to the realisation that "something wasn't right" (his words) after speaking to his girlfriend's DM who is a medic but more importantly, was not me! Sometimes I think our kids automatically block out what we say as rubbish. Is there a trusted adult that could maybe raise the subject in a non threatening way?

Definitely not 🙈 hates noise, people, being centre of attention
Although she'd be amazing at scene painting!

Thank you for sharing
Yes she's very anti label, she fully acknowledges her adhd though. Just doesn't want an official label.
We talk about it a lot, youngest is diagnosed
We are in a similar position as I found out about myself through her, had no idea before any if this. Hers presents totally different to mine though. I became ill and loads of tests showed nothing, now I know it was adhd burnout. Years of masking and trying to keep my sh¡t together.
Desperately don't want dd to follow my path but I maybe it's going to take time to come round to the idea

My DD13 has ADHD and ASD. She takes medication for her ADHD which helps enormously so it's a shame your DD avoids diagnosis.

However, I am senior in the tech industry. It's full of ND people.

If she really wants in you need to get practical.

There are plenty of government and corporate based boot camps designed to get younger people into tech. Some are very well organised and get them job interviews at the end.

Couple of decent ones are the ServiceNow boot camp and Salesforce ones ( these are both software platforms) also Microsoft.

Boot camp is usually virtual and it's 13 weeks, is this something she would be interested in? I know the ServiceNow one also offers an apprenticeship based degree once they are in with an employer.

She sounds like she needs some direction and focus.

I am autistic and raising an autistic/ADHD teen (niece 14).

It’s a difficult balance to strike between not expecting enough and doing them a disservice and expecting too much. Post school leaving years can be a breeding ground for autistic burnout due to heavy masking all through school/college, a lot of young people collapse at this age. As a therapist, it’s the main group of ND clients I end up working with, post school and Uni. Just at the time when parents want them to be getting out and getting a job, their mental health and executive functioning collapse. This wasn’t my experience - I was highly motivated to work, but had a lot of difficult experiences socially in workplaces as a then undiagnosed autistic young adult. I didn’t understand hierarchy, drank too much at work socials to overcome social anxiety, was far too direct with people etc. But was always hard working and did not have the option to live at home for various reasons. I temped and contracted most of my career before retraining in mental health to survive. I didn’t know it was autism then, I just thought I couldn’t get on with people/workplaces.

Another thing to remember is that AuDHD young adults are likely to be socially and emotionally behind their chronological age compared to their NT peers and what NT society expects. And even as ND carers, we are not immune to internalised ableism because we probably have internalised all those NT benchmarks of life stages and success and we probably still use that NT yardstick for ourselves. I find myself doing it with DN and I have to remember, just because of the way I grew up (high expectations, mask your way through) doesn’t have to mean she has to do it that way. I would recommend reading up about autistic burnout and see if you recognise the signs in your DD. It can present very like depression, but also looks like regression as well in terms of loss of skills/motivation.

@Stuckinthemiddle2003
BPD is Borderline Personality Disorder which comes with a range of behaviours, especially around regulating their emotional responses to quite normal everyday situations. Yes the call centre type work is no one’s dream job and way below their abilities, but at least it’s a job they can manage as they don’t have to interact face to face with people. The self-harm rate for those with BPD is very high so for them to be reasonably happy is actually a major thing.
Yes my son with ADHD scores very high on the hyperactivity scale but he also was diagnosed with ODD - Oppositional Defiant Disorder which means the more you try and push them the more they resist.

Just be aware that art education before Uni level is more about making art inspired by “the greats” and contemporaries and showing understanding through writing rather than making lovely work and it’s very hard to keep up with. Can she make 3 paintings in a week, for example.