Parents of neurodivergent teenagers

[Stuckinthemiddle2003]

To expect support financially and physically...

Dd is nearly 20 and has adhd/autism and I'm feeling stuck with what to do.
She has always been quiet, has no 'real' friends (lots online) and she very rarely goes out other than with me or dh. She lies all the time even to our faces.
She attended college just before Covid happened so most of it was online and she hasn't done anything since, and lied her way through most of it, things like telling tutors we have no Internet when the only reason she hadn't submitted work is because she'd procrastinated.

She spends her days in her room which is a mess, sleeping in and staying up late.

I have tried to talk to her many times but she just cries and before now has even said 'I didn't ask to be born.'
She also seems to have high levels of anxiety.

She will reluctantly empty the dishwasher once a day (extremely slowly) and will leave anything with even the tiniest bit of food/mark on.
She doesn't do anything else and if I ask her to do something, she takes ages (like hours) and usually does it poorly.

I suggested she should contact the job centre in the hope they'd offer guidance/support in moving her life along as I am at a loss but they are doing nothing but she now has a monthly income for doing sweet FA.
Again, I am unsure how much bullsh@t she is telling them.
She gets a bus to appointments but will happily want a lift if she can get away with it. This is the only time she leaves the house without a parent.

Myself and dh both work full-time and I have a health condition. We also have a younger child (12)
She is very educated but opiniated and regularly clashes with dh although silently, they just avoid each other mostly but I feel stuck in the middle constantly trying to keep the peace, consider dd's mental health and improve things plus trying to keep myself well.
Honestly, it's hell but it's also impossible to work out whether it's just pure laziness or the adhd/autism and where to go next, she is so fragile.
Should I expect more from her? Financially and physically?
Any suggestions? Please be gentle

I think that university would be a good idea. A local university probably or a university with a lot of support available. It would gain her a degree, provide focus and support. Give her (and you) some time to think about possible careers.

Should I expect more from her?

No, you should expect less. All the examples you give in the OP suggest that you think she should be able to do the things you mention her not doing. Online learning, her room, sleep etc. she may struggle with executive function and not be able to do these things, at least not without support. Neither of my autistic DC engaged in any online learning during Covid.

I don't want to seem critical, I'm not trying to be, I just know what it's like to be that young adult who isn't coping.

So I'm gonna jump in and say just my personal experience as I have asd and I'm on the highly functioning scale.

Find something she laser focuses on would be my recommendation. I liked tech and money, so I went and got a degree (a 1st - not that it matters tbh) and now I'm in v v well paid job. Own my own house and stables (along with 3 horses and one very bad tempered donkey). But for me it was about knowing how to get to end of the tunnel, I needed to have it mapped out and I was told at a young age, growing extremely poor (probably helped, you want to earn good money first you need to go to school, go to college, degree, internships, work work work. I always always told I would be at a disadvantage having asd but actually I consider it my super power, but that made me work harder. I was never allowed to use it as a reason not to keep going.

It can be done but you have to be fairly ridge with rules and structure. If you haven't been particularly stricter with her re house rules growing up it's a bit of a sudden fear shift to go ahh your a adult now. Same actually with career stuff or even socialisation ect. That's a shock to NT folk let alone someone who's ND. Patterns we learn in patterns.

Break things into smaller chunks, simple tasks may seem easy to you but if not broken down it's easy to get overwhelmed and give up .

Have a look at failure to launch in Google. You might see some common patterns.

Obviously this is just my lived experience so will vary greatly person to person but given the right conditions people with asd can thrive. Wish washy just won't work imo because who would do chores when they have always been done for them before. There's no incentive (and emotive trains NT people would use just don't apply the same way here) esp if she's not got many friends so hasn't grown her empathy bone (and that's grown through pain and hardship iMO)

Also tech/iT seems to attract a certain crowd shall we say, your Dd may very well be suited to it, it pays well but pretty cut throat. Tends to be less about the people and more about the mechanics of things which is suited to people on the spectrum. Less room for ducking up basically.

Ffs please ignore my typos sleep deprived mum over here 😵‍💫😵‍💫

That looks ideal thankyou, I'll look into something similar near us
She is very arty and loves drawing and painting particularly comic stuff
I have discussed possible volunteering with either the library or museum but I feel unless I take her/set it up it won't happen.
Definitely need to look at autism support locally though

Adhd and depression display similarly but as someone else has said they also go hand in hand. I have discussed depression with her and she doesn't want to talk to the doctor. I have also discussed the fact she is unhappy at the moment
She is very anti label of any kind

Why is she anti-label? Would she be ashamed if she were diagnosed? Where does that sentiment arise from?

So she has no diagnosis of either ASD or ADHD? She managed to get though school and did GCSEs and Alevels with no support? I would suggest that if she managed that, she can do more than she is right now. She is a teenager too before her diagnosis.

DD1 has ASD and a chronic pain disorder. She did get UC for a bit but we also set clear boundaries of what we wanted from her. She had to pay 20% or £200 in house keeping, which ever was lowest. She got a job after a few months. We also have chores. When she's moaning about them I remind her that if she wants to do her own washing, shopping, cleaning and cooking she is more than welcome. We have a list of the whole household jobs and the bills. How much work it is to run a house. It's a good visual aid for her.

Gloves are a great idea thanks! Definitely a sensory thing, glasses chinking etc too.
It's more about the fact that without doing the dishwasher she'd choose to do nothing most days not even get dressed

I would suggest that if she managed that, she can do more than she is right now.. Unless she is depressed and it is well known that either ASD or ADHD increases risk for mental breakdowns/depression in young people.

This may not be helpful but I just wanted to post as I’ve been the teen DD with ADHD. I wasn’t diagnosed at the time though my parents just thought I was a horrible, lazy person. The relationship I had with my mum was terrible, she took everything so personally and even though I was shit to live with, looking back I can’t see how I could have been any better with none of us realising there was something wrong. So it’s great that you do know and you sound like a lovely caring Mum so your DD is lucky to have you.

It’s hard being different as a teen especially if you’re lonely.

My local council runs employability type courses for people with any disabilities/learning difficulties. It’s so many weeks of paid work experience with a qualification at the end. Do you know if yours does anything similar?

She doesn't want any labels so meds aren't possible
The likelihood of an official diagnosis is a long way off if she agrees too
But her confidence is definitely rock bottom 😔

Which I get, but shows she has the skills and resilience and some good coping skills that will help her aswell

I misread 'she has adhd/autism' to men's she has adhd and autism. As she has no diagnosis I suggest you start there.

Yeah she didn't know what she wanted to do when she left school so went with what she loves
I'll look into btec options though

That's me too. I'm about to turn 46 and my life exhausts me so much - I do work - that doing the dishwasher is sometimes beyond me too. Do some reading on executive dysfunction and then help her to break tasks down into really simple and manageable steps. Asking her to just do x is too much. She literally needs step by step instructions and maybe them written down as if she's anything like me she won't form habits however many times she repeats it.

I'm not an idiot. I have a degree from Cambridge. But autism and ADHD are real disabilities.

She is very academic so good gcses and 3 alevels but she's lost without the school structure
The Christmas job sounds fantastic, sometimes it's just trying things but her anxiety is crippling

I think you’re going to have to FORCE medical intervention here. It’s no good for her to go along with this “doesn’t want a label” nonsense. She’s wrecking her life and holding back yours. She wants to live in your house under your care? Then she needs to take some responsibility right now. Meds for depressive states and ADHD can be utterly life changing.

This looks great thankyou 😊
Never heard of it before

The Christmas job sounds fantastic,

It does, but that’s a long term goal imho. You’ve said she needs prompting just to get dressed in the morning. The answer to help her isn’t to expect more of her at this juncture. I agree you are going to have to get her to agree to assessment and diagnosis so she can access help for her disabilities.

Get her doing something that will earn her a lot of money (STEM!) (But not gaming!) so she can solve a lot of her future problems with it. A cleaner, a personal assistant, a therapist, etc.

She may not know what her she wants yet but her future self will definitely appreciate financial security, choices and options.

Have inspiring talks with her about what life she can create for herself.

I do have adhd too (diagnosed as an adult) and I'm demand avoidant too (something I can see in both my children)
I totally understand the difficulties and live the reality daily.
I also have a health condition and no amount of drive or passion helps when your body gives up
Adhd is only just becoming known more so in females so its a learning curve for everyone. I just thought I was a sh¡t adult

Brilliant thanks, I'll have a look

So she has no diagnoses of autism and adhd?

It was completely missed in school (and college tbf) so she is undiagnosed but 99% certain she has adhd (I do too and 12 yo) and about 85% certain she is autistic.
She also doesn't want a label.

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