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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To let DD spend Xmas money on whatever she wants?

100 replies

TheMoneyHasGone · 02/01/2023 20:36

DD is 8.

She got £250 for Christmas, as well as lots of gifts. The expectation from some of my family and ExHs is that it gets saved, so I’ve put £200 into her Junior ISA.
But I personally think she should also have some spending money so I put £50 onto her rooster card.

She spent £30 on lol dolls and Baby Annabell clothes in Smyths Toys. Then she spent another £15 in B+M on notebooks, pens and other crafty stuff.

She says the B+M stuff will not only be used for fun, but she’ll use it to do Brownies Badges, and for her homework at school. She's asked to spend the last £5 at the sweet shop when it reopens later this week.

ExH isn’t happy though. He says his parents used to restrict what he could spend his Christmas and Birthday Money on so it was spent well and not wasted. He says I should take the toys back and get the £30 and make her spend it on clothes or a new pair of shoes - his parents always made him replace his clothes or shoes with his own money once he started getting it, never him buy toys or video games. He says it never did him any harm and helped him to know the importance of money. He very rarely treats himself now, he asks for it for his birthday or christmas and he spends very little on DD for her birthday or Christmas too.

She has clothes as she recently had a massive growth spurt so apart from school cardigans, she has everything she could possibly need, and she wears splints due to a foot problem (she has Cerebral Palsy mildly) so is restricted to wide shoes which I think personally are mine and ExHs responsibility to buy.

She did also get toys, board games and some bits of clothing for Christmas. And we go to the library fortnightly to borrow books and I always let her have free reign there of what she chooses - she's confident now in saying to the librarian "I liked this author is there anything else by them?"

Apart from age restricted products my parents never set restrictions on my birthday or Christmas money, they did make me save between half and 3/4s (depending on my age) so I did think £50 was more than enough for an 8yo to have free reign of. I now can budget down to my last penny, but still allow myself some treats as I was taught to spend money frivolously sometimes as a child and teen.

But WIBU? Me or ExH? If me then next time I will put restrictions in place.

OP posts:
LlynTegid · 02/01/2023 20:37

I think restrictions next time, but not returning things now.

PearlclutchersInc · 02/01/2023 20:38

It's her money, it's lovely that you let her buy fun stuff. She sounds sensible in that she's bought things she can put to good use elsewhere.

Your ex sounds like a grump.

Summerishere123 · 02/01/2023 20:38

She is 8! If she was asking for some expensive pair of trainers then fine to ask her to put towards it but otherwise you are supposed to buy her clothes. Xmas money is for fun!

Lollypop701 · 02/01/2023 20:39

I’m with you, it’s not a present if she actually gets nothing? She’s saved most of it which is a great lesson so yanbu

Mrsjayy · 02/01/2023 20:39

I think letting her spend some of her money is OK and I wouldn't give what anybody else Says a seconds thought, you are allowed to make decisions too not just them,

caramellattelove · 02/01/2023 20:39

Yanbu

It was money gifted to her and she should absolutely get to choose what she does with at least some of it. I think it's good to have put some in savings too but yeah, I think she should be able to enjoy some of it and get to spend it on things she likes and has chosen (not shoes/clothes, unless she wanted to buy them).

itbemay · 02/01/2023 20:39

You've done the right thing. Save some and let her spend some. It's her Xmas money after all.

MadeForThis · 02/01/2023 20:39

You did put restrictions in place. £200 has been saved. Let the girl enjoy her money.

Headabovetheparakeet · 02/01/2023 20:39

I think saving 80% and letting her spend 20% is fair and I would never make an 8 year old buy their own shoes and clothes unless I had no other choice.

OutofControl3 · 02/01/2023 20:40

Nope the money was for her! You made her do the responsible thing by putting money away and ti be honest a parent should provide clothes, unless it's something extra like ooh I fancy a certain jacket or trainer. She's enjoyed speaking out a bit let her have her fun.

HewasH20 · 02/01/2023 20:40

Parents should buy clothes for an 8 year old, unless it's fancy dress etc. If the adults wanted your DD to buy clothes with their gift, they should have bought them for her or given her a gift card.

OutofControl3 · 02/01/2023 20:40

Speaking was supposed to be splashing

Lollypop701 · 02/01/2023 20:40

Oh and buying clothes and shoes is a parent thing imo, I used to make mine ‘put to’ for expensive non essentials .. so if they wanted expensive trainers then they put half in, as I’d know they really wanted them if they were willing to pay towards them, plus I had a budget

Ginger1982 · 02/01/2023 20:41

Your DH's parents were pretty cruel in my opinion making him replace his own shoes and clothes. That's a parents job.

startofanewlife4 · 02/01/2023 20:42

This is what I've done with my children. The majority has gone into savings but I have kept some as 'spending money' for them. My eldest has bought a couple of things, my youngest hasn't touched his but it's there if he wants something.

Twillow · 02/01/2023 20:43

I think you've been perfectly reasonable. You haven't given her unfettered access to all of it, but she's had the joy of choosing what to buy.
For older children. clothes are a reasonable option if they are expensive, out-of-the-ordinary purchases. But it sounds like exH wants her to spend it on school shoes which is really grim. Just because he had a disappointing childhood doesn't mean he should inflict the same on his daughter?

Adviceneeded200 · 02/01/2023 20:43

We put everything into savings before they knew what a shop was. Then we used to let them spend "up to" half. They often wanted to save more and have turned into saver type adults.

I'd be more worried with how fast she managed to spend it to be honest. Sort.of gives the impression she might be quite impulsive as a spender. I know she is young but it's worth her understanding about saving and spending as soon as she is old enough. And for her to know that saving isn't "wasted money" it's there for whenever something really important crops up.

And it's understanding the value of money. Was spending the £50 on what she did worth it?

Original poster
TheMoneyHasGone · 02/01/2023 20:43

HewasH20 · 02/01/2023 20:40

Parents should buy clothes for an 8 year old, unless it's fancy dress etc. If the adults wanted your DD to buy clothes with their gift, they should have bought them for her or given her a gift card.

@HewasH20 I buy basic fancy dress costume and replace but if she wanted a specific thing above that then yes I'd make her buy it, she gets pocket money as well to put towards it. Same with specific tops/trousers/dresses, I buy enough that she needs and some nice items too buy if we were shopping and she insisted she needed a certain top/jumper I'd make her buy it herself.

OP posts:
fajitaaaa · 02/01/2023 20:43

MadeForThis · 02/01/2023 20:39

You did put restrictions in place. £200 has been saved. Let the girl enjoy her money.

This

dolor · 02/01/2023 20:44

Ugh.

It was Christmas ffs. £50 to spend on things she likes with the rest saved is completely reasonable, it's supposed to be fun. £200 was saved, there's no reason for anyone to be grumpy about it, they need to stop being so controlling.

MMMarmite · 02/01/2023 20:44

I think what you've done sounds fine. Don't take it back now, that would be really unkind after she's already got it.

Next year maybe you and ex should administer half each, or each administer the parts that come from your respective families. I can see what he wants to teach and why, I don't particularly agree with him but it's not ludicrous either, so it seems fair to let him do his part of the parenting the way he wants to.

Original poster
TheMoneyHasGone · 02/01/2023 20:45

Adviceneeded200 · 02/01/2023 20:43

We put everything into savings before they knew what a shop was. Then we used to let them spend "up to" half. They often wanted to save more and have turned into saver type adults.

I'd be more worried with how fast she managed to spend it to be honest. Sort.of gives the impression she might be quite impulsive as a spender. I know she is young but it's worth her understanding about saving and spending as soon as she is old enough. And for her to know that saving isn't "wasted money" it's there for whenever something really important crops up.

And it's understanding the value of money. Was spending the £50 on what she did worth it?

@Adviceneeded200 She gets pocket money as well and often saves that for a specific thing, she's wanted some new clothes for her Annabell for awhile.

OP posts:
Ingleduh · 02/01/2023 20:45

We did the same. We put a chunk into long term saving, then some into their current account for spending later in the year and then gave them some cash to spend now.
We talk it through with them and decide on figures but putting it all away or making them spend it on clothes and shoes is depressing and in my opinion more likely to make them want to blow it all on rubbish when they are older as they've missed out when they were kids.

MissBPotter · 02/01/2023 20:45

I agree with you. £250 loads and it would be silly to let her spend it all on toys but you’ve not done that. Your plan is sensible and normal and making an 8 year old replace their shoes is not good - u less money is very very tight. I’ve done similar with mine £75 for birthday so I pit £25 in premium bonds and she’s deciding what to do with the rest. I will probably advise her a bit eg she can’t spend it all on sweets, but she wants a giant Squishmallow I think, which is fine!

Blossomtoes · 02/01/2023 20:46

Ginger1982 · 02/01/2023 20:41

Your DH's parents were pretty cruel in my opinion making him replace his own shoes and clothes. That's a parents job.

This. You let her spend 20% of her money on what she wanted @TheMoneyHasGone. That sounds perfectly fair to me.