To let DD spend Xmas money on whatever she wants?

[TheMoneyHasGone]

DD is 8.

She got £250 for Christmas, as well as lots of gifts. The expectation from some of my family and ExHs is that it gets saved, so I’ve put £200 into her Junior ISA.
But I personally think she should also have some spending money so I put £50 onto her rooster card.

She spent £30 on lol dolls and Baby Annabell clothes in Smyths Toys. Then she spent another £15 in B+M on notebooks, pens and other crafty stuff.

She says the B+M stuff will not only be used for fun, but she’ll use it to do Brownies Badges, and for her homework at school. She's asked to spend the last £5 at the sweet shop when it reopens later this week.

ExH isn’t happy though. He says his parents used to restrict what he could spend his Christmas and Birthday Money on so it was spent well and not wasted. He says I should take the toys back and get the £30 and make her spend it on clothes or a new pair of shoes - his parents always made him replace his clothes or shoes with his own money once he started getting it, never him buy toys or video games. He says it never did him any harm and helped him to know the importance of money. He very rarely treats himself now, he asks for it for his birthday or christmas and he spends very little on DD for her birthday or Christmas too.

She has clothes as she recently had a massive growth spurt so apart from school cardigans, she has everything she could possibly need, and she wears splints due to a foot problem (she has Cerebral Palsy mildly) so is restricted to wide shoes which I think personally are mine and ExHs responsibility to buy.

She did also get toys, board games and some bits of clothing for Christmas. And we go to the library fortnightly to borrow books and I always let her have free reign there of what she chooses - she's confident now in saying to the librarian "I liked this author is there anything else by them?"

Apart from age restricted products my parents never set restrictions on my birthday or Christmas money, they did make me save between half and 3/4s (depending on my age) so I did think £50 was more than enough for an 8yo to have free reign of. I now can budget down to my last penny, but still allow myself some treats as I was taught to spend money frivolously sometimes as a child and teen.

But WIBU? Me or ExH? If me then next time I will put restrictions in place.

@MissBPotter We saw the giant squishmallows today, DD wanted one but didn't think she wanted to spend all her money on that one thing! I think she'll save up for one though.

You were perfectly reasonable - and she’s even bought quite sensible stuff, my DC would have spent it on virtual coins/gems/skins whatever for his gaming habit and had nothing concrete to show for it at all! (And I’d have let him because sometimes they should be allowed to make their own choices and learn from them/enjoy them.) If people want to contribute to savings for a child they should specifically state that, otherwise the decision is yours as to whether she can spend it.

And shoes for an 8 year old is definitely a parental responsibility.

She sounds like a sensible girl, she bought lots of things with her money rather than one thing and knows about saving up to get something she likes.

The only restrictions I'd put on it is not spending the whole £50 on sweets or frittering it away on absolute crap. The things she has bought seem absolutely fine for an 8yo.

I think your split if saving £200 abc spending £50 was perfect. Ex-H can bog off.

Your exh is being ridiculous
You've saved the majority of it for her, letting her use part of it to actually enjoy herself now isn't a bad thing. You are doing the right thing with it

I think what you did was perfectly fine for your DD’s age - spent £50 and saved £250. I never expected my children to buy necessary clothes with money gifted to them. They always saved the majority and spent a lesser amount.

When they got to teenagers years - I let them spend the lot however they wanted but to think carefully about what they spent it on. They usually spent it over several months.

If your DH/his family want the money spent on necessary items - then it’s a gift for the parents and not the child.

I agree with not spending on routine things. She might want special clothed, that's fine, but not school shoes etc. Grim, as others say

What you did sounds perfect to me, she should be able to enjoy some of it.

To be fair I consider pretty stationery to be an essential...

What you have done seems balanced and fair. It's a gift, and gifts are supposed to have an element of fun about them. Lots saved, a bit to play with. I disagree with the poster saying she spent it too fast. She went shopping with an aim in mind and spent what was necessary. Now she can learn the other trick with money - once it's gone you can't have the next shiny thing.

My mother does half for a gift, and half for savings, and the gift can be anything that can be enjoyed or appreciated (this year we discovered 1950s vintage-style shops... both DDs have dresses and petticoats).

Your DH's situation was... odd. Unless they were very short on money they behaved terribly (I understand need-must in some situations). Essential clothing is a parent's responsibility up to adulthood.

Yanbu. I think your split of save vs spend was good. I possibly wouldn't have let her spend it all in a week, but it sounds like she spent it sensibly.

I would feel really sad for an 8 year old having to buy these own shoes especially ones needing to accommodate splints.

Does your ex realise that when she is 16, all the money in her junior ISA goes to her and he can't interfere? You are teaching her sensible habits, whereas his way risks her going mad and spending it all on rubbish.

Your ex and his parents sound utterly miserable. Clothes and shoes are for parents to buy, not to come from birthday or Christmas money.

Honestly, I would have told her how much money she has, then talked to her about the benefits of saving and the fun of spending, then I would have let her think about what she wants to do herself.

How will she ever learn to manage her own money if she's never given responsibility for it? I mean, do you really think she would have gone out and spent all £250? She would have learned a valuable lesson if she did... but it sounds like she's already been sensible with it.

I am very much of the opinion that once a gift is given it's for the recipient to do what they want with it. If the family are committed to her having savings they should pay into a savings account direct.

Rule in our house is 60/40 so 60% is saved and 40% can be spent. Zero fun for a child to have nothing from it.

Both dc got £100 from grandparents and £30 each from uncle 1 and £20 from uncle & aunt 2

So they have each put £90 in their savings account and the rest is still sat on the side for spending, whilst I do try and steer them towards certain things ultimately it’s their money.

I think we are quite lucky that neither of mine are particularly spendy (is that a word?!?) and really look long and hard at what they want.

Of course yanbu. Making an 8 year old return toys she bought with her own money is beyond cruel.

I wouldn't be excessively consulting my exh about this kind of thing if he was like this.

Also children as they get older need to learn about money by making decisions for themselves. I have a very frugal 13 year old with cash piling up and a splurging 10 year old down to her last fiver at all times. One of them has more learning to do!

I can see why he's an ex! I think you've down the right thing. Save a lot and let her spend a smaller amount on stuff she'd like now. I'm a firm believer that children need to experience money, have some control over it to help them appreciate it later in life.

Next time, when asked, oh yea it was all put into savings... then do what you think (like this time which I think was reasonable) and if they ask where did they come from... oh her pocket money 😂

He is just sucking all the fun out of any present money

I let my 8 year old spend £120 on Lego and Goojitzus today. He had a £20 gift voucher for the toy shop and had saved £540 over the last couple of years so I figured it was about time I let him treat himself. He spent a long time in the shop deliberating over what to choose. He knew he didn't have to spend it if he didn't want to or if he didn't find something. He is very happy with his purchase and knows he won't be spending like that again for a long time. I think if you have saved the majority of what your daughter was gifted then you have don't the right thing.

One of my husband's lovely Nanna's sayings which we have applied to our girls' was 'spend a bit, save a bit'-exactly what you have done here. Ignore the ex. She has saved £200. Also, the relatives could have given her gifts rather than cash in which case she would have saved £0.

Imagine being 8 and getting 'savings' for Xmas. Basically no present. Poor child.

I think she spent it quite well. Toys to play with (sort of things she would have been given for Christmas) and she's been thoughtful about the craft stuff.

Well done OP

YANBU

Your DD got £250 for Christmas, the majority has been saved but what's the point of giving children money if they're not allowed to spend any of it on fun, frivolity and fancy fripperies?

DD13 always gets money from family, this year she got £500 altogether from family (DD is the only child on ExDHs side so they always spoil her). £350 went into her savings account, £70 went to renew her annual pass to a local attraction (she could pay each time she goes with her friends but it works out more economical to pay for the annual pass and then she can go as often as she likes, especially as during the summer she can be there twice a week, so definitely gets her money's worth) and I gave her £80 to spend as she saw fit.

So far she's spent about £35 on clothes in the sales, £20 on stationery (she takes after me with her love of a new notebook or diary and the pens/stickers/washi tape to prettify it), £5 on a big tub of her favourite sweets and so has about £20 left. It's her money to spend as she likes and she knows that once it's gone it's gone.

The only time I would step in is if she was going to buy something excessive eg if she'd wanted to buy £80 of sweets and chocolate then I'd have said no because I wouldn't have coped with the temptation . Anything else would be a discussion and if I thought it was a bad idea then I'd give reasons why it would be a bad idea but ultimately the decision is hers and it would be a learning experience for her if she did waste it.

£50 is a lot of money to give to an 8 year old to spend. I wouldn’t have given her more than £20 tbh.

We go with spend half and save half. I think totally reasonable to let her spend £50

This. Shit isn't it.

He says it never did him any harm

It’s turned him into a miserable bastard.