Page 4 | To let DD spend Xmas money on whatever she wants?

TheMoneyHasGone · 2023-01-02T20:36:14+00:00

DD is 8. She got £250 for Christmas, as well as lots of gifts. The expectation from some of my family and ExHs is that it gets saved, so I’ve put £200 into her Junior ISA. But I personally think she should also have some spending money so I put £50 onto her rooster card. She spent £30 on lol dolls and Baby Annabell clothes in Smyths Toys. Then she spent another £15 in B+M on notebooks, pens and other crafty stuff. She says the B+M stuff will not only be used for fun, but she’ll use it to do Brownies Badges, and for her homework at school. She's asked to spend the last £5 at the sweet shop when it reopens later this week. ExH isn’t happy though. He says his parents used to restrict what he could spend his Christmas and Birthday Money on so it was spent well and not wasted. He says I should take the toys back and get the £30 and make her spend it on clothes or a new pair of shoes - his parents always made him replace his clothes or shoes with his own money once he started getting it, never him buy toys or video games. He says it never did him any harm and helped him to know the importance of money. He very rarely treats himself now, he asks for it for his birthday or christmas and he spends very little on DD for her birthday or Christmas too. She has clothes as she recently had a massive growth spurt so apart from school cardigans, she has everything she could possibly need, and she wears splints due to a foot problem (she has Cerebral Palsy mildly) so is restricted to wide shoes which I think personally are mine and ExHs responsibility to buy. She did also get toys, board games and some bits of clothing for Christmas. And we go to the library fortnightly to borrow books and I always let her have free reign there of what she chooses - she's confident now in saying to the librarian "I liked this author is there anything else by them?" Apart from age restricted products my parents never set restrictions on my birthday or Christmas money, they did make me save between half and 3/4s (depending on my age) so I did think £50 was more than enough for an 8yo to have free reign of. I now can budget down to my last penny, but still allow myself some treats as I was taught to spend money frivolously sometimes as a child and teen. But WIBU? Me or ExH? If me then next time I will put restrictions in place.

Alicetheowl · 03/01/2023 15:06

Seems fine to me. Most of it got saved, some was spent on what I would regard as trashy toys, but she's eight, so OK, the rest on stationery and craft stuff-fine. At her age, she should not be buying her own school shoes. OK, if you are skint, say, and your family don't know how skint you are, you might divert some of the money, but only if you are desperate.

Glitterandcard · 03/01/2023 15:49

FurryDandelionSeekingMissile · 03/01/2023 13:40

I'm not a parent so have no personal investment in this topic, but threads like this make me wonder about the intended eventual use of childhood savings, from both a practicality POV and an educational one.

The reason I quoted your post was because you used the phrase "for a rainy day", but what kind of rainy day might justify the eight-year-old dipping into savings? If they broke a window, would that come from their savings? Or would that seem to a parent like it wasn't a painful enough consequence, since the child isn't allowed to use that money for most stuff they'd want to buy anyway? I wonder what different kinds of purposes these childhood savings are for, and what different lessons people are teaching with them, or what purpose they or their children intend the money to serve later. Do people allow their children to dip into their built-up Christmas/birthday money in the savings account if they, say, want to buy a leavers' hoodie but haven't got enough pocket money in the piggy bank? Or maybe for going on pricey school expeditions? Or are the savings intended to accumulate through childhood and be accessed as a lump sum at the start of adulthood, in which case, a sum that would've felt like a lot to a child, and could've provided a lot of joy over a decade and a half if it hadn't been carefully salted away with the encouragement of parents, gets swallowed up in one car insurance payment or blown on a term of careless uni spending, or just seems like not so much money in the context of the first few paycheques. (I'm talking here about savings from money given to the child as presents or pocket money, rather than a savings account paid into for the child with the intention that it set them up in life at the beginning of adulthood.) It makes me wonder how much parents talk to their kids about what the eventual purpose might be of the £200 going to savings, from their £250 Christmas money.

I remember being 16 and looking at the bank book from my post office account, where I'd been encouraged to put some of my birthday and Christmas money throughout childhood and to deposit my pocket money whenever my piggy bank got filled up. I remember thinking as a kid that it was important to save and not to buy too many nice things, then at 16 seeing the accumulated sum and realising that in the adult world it really wasn't worth very much, and couldn't cushion me from proper adult rainy days. That childhood experience got me in the habit of saving, which is great, but I can't help feeling that few hundred quid would've bought more joy at 5–15 than it was worth to me as an adult.

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Obviously every parent differs, but mine are allowed to spend their savings if they want to - if they saved it then they can spend it. It’s theirs. I want them to feel a benefit from saving - that they went without lots of small things and now they can afford that more expensive item. That rule applies to birthday, Christmas and pocket money - not that they get anything like £250 at Christmas! And yes, if they broke something maliciously I’d expect them to contribute to fixing it from that money, though it’s yet to happen.

They have been given specific “for saving until adulthood” money at various points from various relatives and that is in a completely separate account that they don’t really know much about at this point. They’ll get it at 18, it’ll probably pay for car insurance or help with student living expenses or something - it’s “nice to have” but not massive amounts in the context of adult life.

I personally wouldn’t want to be stuffing a child’s ISA with money if I had strong feelings about how they used it, at 18 they get the whole lot and there’s nothing Dad can do to stop them spending every penny in a day if they want to.

FurryDandelionSeekingMissile · 03/01/2023 16:17

Sounds like a sensible approach Glitter — thanks for answering my slightly tangential query! Yes, I also mentally separate money saved by the child from money saved for the child, and my non-parent instinct is that the former should probably be controlled by the child to some extent, with appropriate guidance and encouragement and explanations about the benefits of saving and when's a good time to spend those savings, and used when the child is still a child. Of course if I actually had a kid I might find my ideas about how to do this shit don't work in practice If I were a relative wanting to give big sums like £250 to an eight year old for some reason, I'd probably separate out the two gifts myself TBH: a now-gift for the child to spend or to save towards something bigger, and a gift directed to their ISA or whatever their parents may have set up for longer-term savings.

JusteanBiscuits · 03/01/2023 16:22

Mine have always been allowed to spend their Christmas, birthday and pocket money on what ever they would like (age appropriateness aside). A present wouldn't come with restrictions of "you need to put that away and not use it" and if anyone ever gave them money with such restrictions I would ask them to please not give money in the future.

Original poster

TheMoneyHasGone · 03/01/2023 18:52

FurryDandelionSeekingMissile · 03/01/2023 13:40

I'm not a parent so have no personal investment in this topic, but threads like this make me wonder about the intended eventual use of childhood savings, from both a practicality POV and an educational one.

The reason I quoted your post was because you used the phrase "for a rainy day", but what kind of rainy day might justify the eight-year-old dipping into savings? If they broke a window, would that come from their savings? Or would that seem to a parent like it wasn't a painful enough consequence, since the child isn't allowed to use that money for most stuff they'd want to buy anyway? I wonder what different kinds of purposes these childhood savings are for, and what different lessons people are teaching with them, or what purpose they or their children intend the money to serve later. Do people allow their children to dip into their built-up Christmas/birthday money in the savings account if they, say, want to buy a leavers' hoodie but haven't got enough pocket money in the piggy bank? Or maybe for going on pricey school expeditions? Or are the savings intended to accumulate through childhood and be accessed as a lump sum at the start of adulthood, in which case, a sum that would've felt like a lot to a child, and could've provided a lot of joy over a decade and a half if it hadn't been carefully salted away with the encouragement of parents, gets swallowed up in one car insurance payment or blown on a term of careless uni spending, or just seems like not so much money in the context of the first few paycheques. (I'm talking here about savings from money given to the child as presents or pocket money, rather than a savings account paid into for the child with the intention that it set them up in life at the beginning of adulthood.) It makes me wonder how much parents talk to their kids about what the eventual purpose might be of the £200 going to savings, from their £250 Christmas money.

I remember being 16 and looking at the bank book from my post office account, where I'd been encouraged to put some of my birthday and Christmas money throughout childhood and to deposit my pocket money whenever my piggy bank got filled up. I remember thinking as a kid that it was important to save and not to buy too many nice things, then at 16 seeing the accumulated sum and realising that in the adult world it really wasn't worth very much, and couldn't cushion me from proper adult rainy days. That childhood experience got me in the habit of saving, which is great, but I can't help feeling that few hundred quid would've bought more joy at 5–15 than it was worth to me as an adult.

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@FurryDandelionSeekingMissile To look at it differently, I was made to save around 50% of mine, when I went to University it bought all my books for the entire 3 years and paid for a few trips home. To me thats an investment in my future, yes when I sold my books I only got around 50% of their value back, but now as a proper adult I can see the value. It also freed up money from my loan and grant to party!

OP posts:

FurryDandelionSeekingMissile · 03/01/2023 19:07

Very true Money; I didn't go to university until much later in life, so I guess my perspective is affected by that!

Luredbyapomegranate · 03/01/2023 19:12

Your ex sounds a bit low level damaged by some meanness from his parents - unless you are in dire financial straits, then children shouldn’t be paying for basic clothes and that includes basic sports kit, shoes, coat and say one party outfit.

Your system seems fine to me.

Imthegingerbreadwoman · 03/01/2023 19:17

I think she did well with her £50. She thought about what she wanted and only bought that. Didn't spend it on just anything and still had some change. Think she's clued up on budgeting enough for an 8 year old!

Marchitectmummy · 03/01/2023 19:25

Personally I think the Important part is teaching her to save money. She then needs to learn for herself the value pf tbe money you have allowed her to spend.

With our daughters we ask them how much they want to spend and how much they want to save. They tend to be quite sensible and peer pressure normally leads to then saving most.

The spend bit we take them to the shops and they first look around all that interest them then choose what they want from there. I don't care what they buy its their money but I want to be sure they haven't impulse bought the first thing. Its a balance isn't it, future to now.

I think you have done fine,

Blondeshavemorefun · 03/01/2023 19:48

Ex is a grump

it was a present for Her

not to buy clothes and shoes. That’s your job

you saved lots and she can spend the rest

Runningfire · 03/01/2023 19:52

I always teach my daughter that if it’s her money it’s her decision (within reason obvs!). I ask her to think about if it’s worth the money and if she’ll love it and use it. She’s bought stuff I’ve hated (Roblox for instance) but she has started to learn the importance of decision making.

a pair of shoes is not a treat for a child. Parents buy clothes. And taking stuff back is horrific. Tell your ex to fuck off!!!

AlwaysGinPlease · 03/01/2023 19:52

What kind of parent is the ex Husband that he a would expect his child to pay for clothing or shoes when that's his and your responsibility?! Jesus .

Tandora · 03/01/2023 19:58

Your ex sounds like a tight arse. Probably because his parents made him buy his own clothes and shoes aged 8 😮. Don’t bring your Dd up to be a tight arse like him, the balance you struck was great.

AccidentallyRunToWindsor · 03/01/2023 20:05

It's her money, she is learning to spend on things she likes, as well as what might be helpful for brownies etc- all sounds very sensible to me. She's till saved £200!

My exH was raised like your DH and he was shocking with money, he was never allowed to spend anything as a child and as such would make large outlandish purchases that he would then try and hide from me.

I had a huge row with my ex MIL about it when she tried to enforce the same on my DSC.

LeoEisor · 03/01/2023 20:13

You've put away more then enough. She's 8 imagine how special it feels to go and spend your money on your card for whatever you would like.

It's not always healthy to never treat yourself with things you want. Well I don't think so anyway.

Bless her you sound like a lovely mum. Ex sounds a bit stingy to me and he should lighten up

I personally feel like the potential of necessary clothes is not a present!

inpixiehollow · 03/01/2023 20:16

My children aged 2.5 and 13 months were also given money, they have no concept of being given cash and wouldn't know if i spent it elsewhere but i still either choose something for them they would like or put the money in their moneybox to be spent at a later date when they want a new toy etc. I always looked at it as my responsibility to provide clothes, shoes, a winter coat etc as necessities when I decided to have children. Your daughter seems to have spent her money wisely and your ex-h has some issues I think.

ColonelRhubarbBikini · 03/01/2023 20:17

YANBU. Your DD will have so many years of buying her own clothes and budgeting wisely. She’s only little.

I actually disagree with making them save such a large portion of their gift money. I wouldn’t be best pleased if my Christmas gift of cash wasn’t used and enjoyed. I regularly pay into a savings account for my niece and nephew but their Xmas and Birthday spends are to be spent. If they splash it all on the penny falls at the seaside then so be it as long as they had fun doing it.

It’s akin to buying a child a toy such as a Buzz Lightyear or some such and it being taken off the child still in box to be stored and sold years later for a profit.

GinIronic · 03/01/2023 20:21

You saved some and spent some. A good balance. The ex can shove off and wind his neck in. None of his business.

eatdrinkandbemerry · 03/01/2023 20:28

She is 8 she shouldn't be having to buy her own clothes and shoes.
My daughter is the same age and I put most in her bank but let her have some for fun. She bought stationary sweets and robucks

WishIwasElsa · 03/01/2023 20:34

I think you're exh is being ridiculous if I'm honest. Not much of a gift for her if she has to put it all away. She only spent a bit and on tings she would like and be able to use not just on sweets and tat. I don't restrict my dc at all with their money at all unless it was wanting to spend it all on sweets or unsuitable things and they still save a lot of it in their boxes. How could they learn any responsibility with so much control from parents.

JanuaryBluehoo · 03/01/2023 20:34

Omg!!

I thought you were going to say she spent the whole 250!!

That's more than reasonable to save that much and spend that much. Goodness me

I cannot bear this knee jerk " is didn't do me any harm/left outside a pub for hours alone/given a clip round the ear instead of. B'day present/ a lump of coal instead of gifts at Xmas...etc.

Shouldn't we be reflective and striving to do better?

Btw whats a roosters?

What a misery guts.

We do same here no matter what they get. Save some and spend some..

DarkDarkNight · 03/01/2023 20:44

Perfectly reasonable on your part. A good chunk in savings and £50 (which feels like a fortune to a child) to choose what she wants.

AuditAngel · 03/01/2023 20:52

I think your balance is very reasonable. My DC got cash and gift cards at Christmas, they have them to do with as they wish. DD2 had to have her iPad replaced this week, not her fault, just wear and tear, but immediately after Christmas it was painful and I have asked her to contribute approximately 25% plus we traded in the old one. She wanted to stay with a full size iPad, I could have made her use the iPad mini her sister no longer uses, so I think it is fair she contributes,

in the past DS has contributed when he wanted a more expensive laptop than my budget would stretch too.

if mine wanted expensive clothes, they can pay towards the “upgrade” from a mid level item. If they are careless and lose or damage an item, it is down to them to replace it

Penguinmouse · 07/12/2023 20:18

It’s her money - if people are so animated about what it should be spent on, they should buy that thing themselves or say “this is for xyz gift”

Her birthday money should absolutely not be spent on essentials like clothes and shoes unless it’s a situation like she really wants an expensive pair of trainers (unlikely at this age)

JanuaryBluehoo · 07/12/2023 20:28

it is restricted? Most is in saving