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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To want to go on this holiday

76 replies

Carrionn · 02/01/2023 17:40

There's somewhere I really, really want to take my DD with DH, I have lovely memories of going and want to do it before she starts school next year. It happens that it's quite expensive and going with multiple children and during school holidays is extortionate.

My sister, my child's auntie has said she'd come with us and just me, my sister and my DD outside of school hols, it would be affordable.

My husband has never ever made any noises about wanting to go here, in fact he's said before he thinks it's a bit of a waste of money which is why I always assumed if and when I could go, I'd go with a friend or family or even by myself with DD.

I mentioned to DH me and sis might look at booking it soon and he's now annoyed because he thinks it would be really unfair for DD to go but not his older children, DSS8 and DSD10.

It's not affordable for us to go all together in school hols (well into the thousands) and I'll miss the chance to go with DD once she starts school next year.

AIBU to think he's unreasonable to say we shouldn't go if he and older kids can't?

We have separate finances so I'd be paying the cost out of my own money so I don't see how he could demand I don't go but he's made me feel unreasonable for saying sorry he feels that way but I still want to go.

OP posts:
Original poster
Carrionn · 02/01/2023 17:41

Sorry first sentence meant my DD with DH as in she's his child not that I want to take her and him on this holiday (would love to but we can't afford to all go!).

OP posts:
Original poster
Carrionn · 02/01/2023 17:45

Oh and it's also because this means I can't afford to go on our usual summer holiday with stepkids like we usually do every year. But I've said he could still go (or pay for me if he's really that desperate for me to be there). I think seen as I've paid school hol prices every year so far to go away with his kids places I wouldn't typically choose myself then it's fine for me to have one year where I prioritise a holiday I want to go on!

OP posts:
LimeCheesecake · 02/01/2023 17:45

Is it Disney?

Usual response - he has children with more than one woman he accepts the children will have different family make ups and different experiences- would he ban his ex from taking his dcs away unless she took your dc too? Nope.

as he’s not going, it’s easy to explain to your DSC, their half sibling is going on holiday with their mummy and Aunty. He is staying at home and will be around to have some quality time with them without younger half sibling about. Your step kids are old enough to realise they aren’t related to you or your sister.

LimeCheesecake · 02/01/2023 17:47

Oh and yes, perfect solution - you go away with dc alone and this summer he takes the dcs away without you and your joint dc. Next year one big family holiday.

Nightynightnight · 02/01/2023 17:49

Does your child get to go with their siblings on every holiday they go on with their their other parent?

It's not unreasonable for you to want to go on holiday with your sister and your child. He is being an arse.

Original poster
Carrionn · 02/01/2023 17:50

LimeCheesecake · 02/01/2023 17:47

Oh and yes, perfect solution - you go away with dc alone and this summer he takes the dcs away without you and your joint dc. Next year one big family holiday.

I think it would be nice if he still took joint DC on summer holiday if he went as DSC do also go away with their mum so surely it's only the same, all go away with dad then all go away with their mum's separately.

OP posts:
Ilikewinter · 02/01/2023 17:51

Is this Disneyland Paris ..... and have you posted about this before?

Original poster
Carrionn · 02/01/2023 17:53

Sorry no it's not Disney! Didn't want to say as think sis is on here but anyway, it's Lapland so plenty of time away yet!

OP posts:
Original poster
Carrionn · 02/01/2023 17:53

But even just for 3 of us it's over £3k! 5 of us would just be crazy.

OP posts:
MelchiorsMistress · 02/01/2023 17:55

He’d have a point if he was contributing to the cost of you going on holiday or if he was expected to go and leave his children behind, but as it is he has nothing to complain about. Enjoy your holiday.

Overthebow · 02/01/2023 17:55

Carrionn · 02/01/2023 17:45

Oh and it's also because this means I can't afford to go on our usual summer holiday with stepkids like we usually do every year. But I've said he could still go (or pay for me if he's really that desperate for me to be there). I think seen as I've paid school hol prices every year so far to go away with his kids places I wouldn't typically choose myself then it's fine for me to have one year where I prioritise a holiday I want to go on!

I was with you until this not. I can see why he’s upset if it means you can’t afford a family holiday.

Original poster
Carrionn · 02/01/2023 17:57

Overthebow · 02/01/2023 17:55

I was with you until this not. I can see why he’s upset if it means you can’t afford a family holiday.

Show quote history

Thing is with this, I pay over the odds every year for a holiday in summer school hols so that I can go away with him and SC. This is just one year I'd like to prioritise what I'd like to do.

If a summer hol is that important to him, he can still go definitely!

OP posts:
AwesomeSauce4 · 02/01/2023 17:59

Don't do a summer holiday this year, all go to Lapland.

FictionalCharacter · 02/01/2023 18:00

Carrionn · 02/01/2023 17:50

I think it would be nice if he still took joint DC on summer holiday if he went as DSC do also go away with their mum so surely it's only the same, all go away with dad then all go away with their mum's separately.

Show quote history

Your stepkids also go away with their mum? And you'll be paying for the trip with your child? Perfectly reasonable then.

newmum0604 · 02/01/2023 18:01

He's being unreasonable if your step kids also go away with their mum. It's only your child missing out! Have you said that to him?

WoolyMammoth55 · 02/01/2023 18:03

YANBU OP, your DH can treat his kids how he wants but he can't prevent you from treating yours with something that's important to you. That sucks.

We did Lapland around spring equinox and saw the northern lights loads but it was F-FREEZING!!

Anotheryearsameshitshow · 02/01/2023 18:04

Tell him you will send links to him and he can send to ex. Then his dc have the option of going with 2 dps...

BigChesterDraws · 02/01/2023 18:06

Yet another “separate finances” mess. None of this would have happened if you had joint finances. You’d have a holiday budget for the year. And if you go to Lapland then the summer holiday would be scaled back accordingly. The budget would be stretched across the two holidays. Next year they’d be no Lapland do you can all have a pricier summer holiday.

But because of your insistence on my money/his money, the only way you can go on holiday this summer is if your husband “pays” for you. What a miserable situation to be in as a grown, working adult, as a wife and mother. So much for financial independence. You’re now completely dependent on him for a summer holiday.

Poetnojo · 02/01/2023 18:08

You are not being unreasonable, I'm sure his older kids go away with their Mum and your dc doesn't get to go with them, this is the very same thing.

noimaginationforausername · 02/01/2023 18:10

Does your husbands ex take your dd away when/if they go on holiday? If not then he has no argument and even less of one because he won't be going, it's a trip for you, your sister and your dd. Nothing to do with his kids.

Definitely go.

Original poster
Carrionn · 02/01/2023 18:10

You’re now completely dependent on him for a summer holiday

I disagree tbh, I much prefer have separate finances but just about this comment ^^ I'm not bothered about the summer holiday, personally I'd rather do the Lapland this year. But have said if HE really wants to go in the summer then he can.

OP posts:
Original poster
Carrionn · 02/01/2023 18:11

And also if we didn't have separate finances he'd be able to say we aren't going to Lapland because he doesn't want to pay for it. This way I get to keep control of what I can and can't do with my money and that's honestly how I prefer it especially when 2 out of the 3 children involved aren't my own. I don't want everything going in the pot and being split between everyone!

OP posts:
RewildingAmbridge · 02/01/2023 18:13

In his shoes I would be sad to miss a holiday like that with my child. I can also see why it's the kind of holiday he doesn't feel he can go on and not take his other DC (a week in benidorm is a bit different, this is child centric Christmas type holiday).
I don't know what the solution is but it's one of the reasons, unless money was plentiful, I would be very very reluctant to marry someone who already has children

FarFlungFlamingo · 02/01/2023 18:14

I'm not 100% clear, but it sounds like by going on this holiday with your sister would mean that he doesn't get to go on holiday with your joint DD at all?

incognitodorrito · 02/01/2023 18:16

I’m guessing your going for 3 nights to Lapland based on the quotation ? Why can’t he just take the other kids too and they skip a day or two of school to join ? It’s not like they are in critical academic years and if their attendance is otherwise good ?

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