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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To want to go on this holiday

76 replies

Carrionn · 02/01/2023 17:40

There's somewhere I really, really want to take my DD with DH, I have lovely memories of going and want to do it before she starts school next year. It happens that it's quite expensive and going with multiple children and during school holidays is extortionate.

My sister, my child's auntie has said she'd come with us and just me, my sister and my DD outside of school hols, it would be affordable.

My husband has never ever made any noises about wanting to go here, in fact he's said before he thinks it's a bit of a waste of money which is why I always assumed if and when I could go, I'd go with a friend or family or even by myself with DD.

I mentioned to DH me and sis might look at booking it soon and he's now annoyed because he thinks it would be really unfair for DD to go but not his older children, DSS8 and DSD10.

It's not affordable for us to go all together in school hols (well into the thousands) and I'll miss the chance to go with DD once she starts school next year.

AIBU to think he's unreasonable to say we shouldn't go if he and older kids can't?

We have separate finances so I'd be paying the cost out of my own money so I don't see how he could demand I don't go but he's made me feel unreasonable for saying sorry he feels that way but I still want to go.

OP posts:
frazzledasarock · 02/01/2023 19:39

@Jennyfromthetoiletblock the OP has made a decision for herself. Her husband has the option to join alone or with his older children, or not.

her husband has the same option, go on holiday with all his children with or without OP.

I go on holiday/breaks without DH (or the kids), DH has the option of doing the same if he wants.

Jennyfromthetoiletblock · 02/01/2023 19:45

Your solution is OP always and forever does what her DH wants and never what she wants. Is that right? But the OP is doing exactly what SHE wants.
Surely the point is that they both need to make these decisions TOGETHER. Not make them unilaterally and then expect the other person to suck it up?

I’m always astounded on MN and how many people’s relationships aren’t built on a partnership. It’s impossible to see how one, or both partners will not end up feeling resentful of the other in this situation.

Jimboscott0115 · 02/01/2023 19:45

Carrionn · 02/01/2023 19:39

For me I see it as I don't want my child to miss out on experiences I'd like them to have and could otherwise afford if I weren't also trying to pay for two other children who do plenty of stuff my child doesn't with their own mother if that makes sense?

Show quote history

I get it and can't/won't judge because hey we're all different, I just tend to think that experiences are as much about who you're with and what you do every bit as much as where you go.

Jennyfromthetoiletblock · 02/01/2023 19:48

@Jennyfromthetoiletblock the OP has made a decision for herself.

@frazzledasarock thats LITERALLY my point

Her husband has the option to join alone or with his older children, or not.

His options are limited because the OP has made the decision SHE wants.

Duckingella · 02/01/2023 19:48

I once saw a very sensible post on the effects of expecting the younger half siblings lives to be dictated by the older half siblings lives and actually it being the younger ones who ultimately miss out.This behaviour seems to be mainly perpetuated by fathers who feel guilty that their older children don't live with them full time.

FancyFelix · 02/01/2023 19:50

Jennyfromthetoiletblock · 02/01/2023 19:45

Your solution is OP always and forever does what her DH wants and never what she wants. Is that right? But the OP is doing exactly what SHE wants.
Surely the point is that they both need to make these decisions TOGETHER. Not make them unilaterally and then expect the other person to suck it up?

I’m always astounded on MN and how many people’s relationships aren’t built on a partnership. It’s impossible to see how one, or both partners will not end up feeling resentful of the other in this situation.

She's proposing to do what she wants for one year, having spent multiple years doing what her DH wants!

I think it's totally fair enough OP. If he wants his other kids to come then he can take them out of school and pay for them. I think you said he wasn't interested in going anyway, it's crap of him to try to stop you.

frazzledasarock · 02/01/2023 19:58

@Jennyfromthetoiletblock you're expecting OP to get permission from her husband before spending her own money to take her own child on a holiday she wants to go on?
The OP going on holiday holiday does not affect the DH in any way.

the husband has no interest in the holiday, he doesn’t want OP going without his older children. That’s the only issue.

DrMarciaFieldstone · 02/01/2023 19:59

Yanbu

Original poster
Carrionn · 02/01/2023 20:02

Duckingella · 02/01/2023 19:48

I once saw a very sensible post on the effects of expecting the younger half siblings lives to be dictated by the older half siblings lives and actually it being the younger ones who ultimately miss out.This behaviour seems to be mainly perpetuated by fathers who feel guilty that their older children don't live with them full time.

I think I read this too on here a while ago! And I do agree it can end up that way. I definitely refuse to stop my child having experiences though because of her older siblings.

OP posts:
Jennyfromthetoiletblock · 02/01/2023 20:07

@frazzledasarock stop being obtuse.

I’m saying that in most healthy relationships, couples make decisions like this TOGETHER, not one making a decision and the other then having to make a limited options decision consequential to that. The same would be true if their positions would be reversed here.

The OP and her husband don’t even share finances, and make holiday decisions unilaterally. I’m saying that’s not the foundation for a lasting relationship. Especially if the one partner’s decision results in the other having to choose between a holiday with his partner and their child and a holiday with his other DC. (What DSC do or don’t do with their mum is neither here nor there - they could have ten holidays a year with their mum and it would still be shit if they missed out on a break with their dad and younger sibling.)

Oh sorry, I forgot, he can have a holiday with them all if he pays for the OP to have her cake and eat it.

Jennyfromthetoiletblock · 02/01/2023 20:07

@frazzledasarock stop being obtuse.

I’m saying that in most healthy relationships, couples make decisions like this TOGETHER, not one making a decision and the other then having to make a limited options decision consequential to that. The same would be true if their positions would be reversed here.

The OP and her husband don’t even share finances, and make holiday decisions unilaterally. I’m saying that’s not the foundation for a lasting relationship. Especially if the one partner’s decision results in the other having to choose between a holiday with his partner and their child and a holiday with his other DC. (What DSC do or don’t do with their mum is neither here nor there - they could have ten holidays a year with their mum and it would still be shit if they missed out on a break with their dad and younger sibling.)

Oh sorry, I forgot, he can have a holiday with them all if he pays for the OP to have her cake and eat it.

Jennyfromthetoiletblock · 02/01/2023 20:08

@frazzledasarock stop being obtuse.

I’m saying that in most healthy relationships, couples make decisions like this TOGETHER, not one making a decision and the other then having to make a limited options decision consequential to that. The same would be true if their positions would be reversed here.

The OP and her husband don’t even share finances, and make holiday decisions unilaterally. I’m saying that’s not the foundation for a lasting relationship. Especially if the one partner’s decision results in the other having to choose between a holiday with his partner and their child and a holiday with his other DC. (What DSC do or don’t do with their mum is neither here nor there - they could have ten holidays a year with their mum and it would still be shit if they missed out on a break with their dad and younger sibling.)

Oh sorry, I forgot, he can have a holiday with them all if he pays for the OP to have her cake and eat it.

Jennyfromthetoiletblock · 02/01/2023 20:09

Sorry, no idea why that posted multiple times. Going to ask HQ to remove the duplicates.

Ireallywantsomechips · 02/01/2023 20:11

I wouldn’t have cared that my stepmum took her child on holiday with her sister in the slightest. If my dad went too I’d have been miffed if it was
somewhere I wanted to go.

I also wouldn’t have cared that this meant my stepmum couldn’t come on the summer family holiday. Sure she’d have been missed but as a teen/child I’d have been having too much fun to notice!

Original poster
Carrionn · 02/01/2023 20:11

Oh sorry, I forgot, he can have a holiday with them all if he pays for the OP to have her cake and eat it.

Where have I said that? Are you deliberately misunderstanding or accidentally?

I said, and I've said it multiple times actually, I'm happy for him to go without me. He doesn't HAVE to pay for me. That was a suggestion if he really really wanted me to go. He's welcome to go with the children without me as well. No cake eating here.

OP posts:
catsonahottinroof · 02/01/2023 20:12

As you have separate finances the solution is easy - you go on this holiday and he is welcome to come too if he wants, but has to pay for him and his children.

HeddaGarbled · 02/01/2023 20:18

It’s just one of those places, like Disney, that is a really special thing for children. Any other normal type of holiday, I’d agree with you, but this is different. It has the potential to go down in the annuls of family history as “when my step-sister got taken to Lapland and I wasn’t”.

AnneLovesGilbert · 02/01/2023 20:22

Your plan is great, do it. Sounds amazing for you, DC and sister. He’s being incredibly selfish to give you grief about it.

DrMarciaFieldstone · 02/01/2023 20:24

Do DSC go on holiday with their DM? Presumably your DC misses out on those.

Yanbu, go with your sis and have a great time.

flummingbird · 02/01/2023 20:25

I also say do it. Your DSCs get to do two of everything with two seperate parents, and your own DD can only ever do half of that because their parents are still together? Doesn't strike me as fair...

Anotheryearsameshitshow · 02/01/2023 20:39

If the dsc are older then their dps have had all those years to take them haven't they? Unless it was on dh's list of To Do things yanbu
. But ime it's actually the younger dc who get the short straw with step siblings.

When I had dsc their dm went batshit when me and dh had plans to take my dc away. On a holiday paid for by my dm. And yet dsc wasn't allowed tp go as it wasn't fair dsc had great fun and the dm wasn't there to see it.. Batshittery at it's best.

catandcoffee · 02/01/2023 20:51

Maybe point out that your joint child misses out on holidays as the other siblings get 2 holidays....1 with their mum and 1 with you and their dad.

That's not really fair to your joint child, is it.

Just book it for you,sis and your child and have a lovely time.

Don't let him or people on here make you feel guilty.

Just an afterthought, maybe his 2 older children would love to holiday with their Dad only.

MrsTerryPratchett · 02/01/2023 20:57

HeddaGarbled · 02/01/2023 20:18

It’s just one of those places, like Disney, that is a really special thing for children. Any other normal type of holiday, I’d agree with you, but this is different. It has the potential to go down in the annuls of family history as “when my step-sister got taken to Lapland and I wasn’t”.

They're 8 and 10 so getting too old for it to be a big deal.

And they can all go, just not also have a summer holiday.

Aprilx · 02/01/2023 21:57

frazzledasarock · 02/01/2023 19:58

@Jennyfromthetoiletblock you're expecting OP to get permission from her husband before spending her own money to take her own child on a holiday she wants to go on?
The OP going on holiday holiday does not affect the DH in any way.

the husband has no interest in the holiday, he doesn’t want OP going without his older children. That’s the only issue.

Well I would have thought they could agree it together, you know like married couples normally do. How can you possibly think her going on holiday does not effect her husband in any way? It impacts household finances, it impacts the use of her annual leave time, it impacts the time she has for joint holidays etc. And not to mention it is his child too and maybe he would like to be involved in the Lapland trip. I’d be very surprised if my husband announced he was off on an expensive holiday without me and then told me it was nothing to do with me. But then I think we are more of a partnership that OP and her husband are.

frazzledasarock · 02/01/2023 22:12

@Aprilx the husband isn’t interested in the holiday though. He can go if he wants, he doesn’t want. He’s aggrieved on behalf of his older children, who also have holidays with their own mum anyway.

it’s a non issue.

@Jennyfromthetoiletblock I'm not being obtuse, in an a marriage/family one partner will make concessions/compromise for the happiness of their partner. In this case OP has been taking the financial hit for years to holiday with her husband and step children during school holidays, and going on holidays she’s not too bothered about.

why can’t the H on this occasion accept his wife will be going on holiday to somewhere she wants. He’ll still get his holiday with all his children.